When I was in high school, my church did a week long fast.
New to the whole fasting concept, I chose to fast dinner.
I had no idea what kind of effect this would have on my mind as a young girl struggling to fit in.
When I lost weight in the first few days of the fast, I got excited.
Immediately the fast became about my weight and it wasn’t about God anymore.
After the fast was over, I kept going.
I wasn’t eating enough.
At some point I remember being in my kitchen with my mom, reaching for a cereal box out of the cabinet and I woke up on the floor. I remember opening my eyes to my mom standing over me asking me if I was okay.
As most moms would do, she took me to the doctor and I had to tell her that I wasn’t eating dinner and I was eating very little for my other meals.
Basically she was like, yeah, you can’t do that.
So I stopped.
Honestly, it was as simple as that.
Since then I have been very wary about fasting food.
When I was in college, the whole school did lent together. I was constantly surrounded by people brainstorming what they were going to fast. People mentioning Facebook and Instagram and all of these things that weren’t food. It had honestly never occurred to me that you could fast something else.
I went from someone who refused to fast, because of her own insecure tendencies, to someone who gets excited and welcomes it because she knows it will bring her closer to God.
Now when I fast, I try and find the thing that is standing in between me and growth. What is it that is causing my growth to cease? What have I put in priority over God? What have I put on His thrown? In His place?
As my current church was gearing up to start our three week fast, I realized that the thing I had put in His place, was my own comfort.
I’ve become so afraid of what people will think of me and the things I do that I’ve just been sitting in this little comfort bubble. When I was praying about what to fast, I realized that by staying in this comfort bubble, I am consciously deciding to not be the person God has created me to be.
He did not make me the way that I am, with the passions I have and the things that I love, so that I could hide it all and never show it to anyone.
So, I am fasting - not doing things out of fear of what people think.
We started the fast on Monday, and already I’ve been challenged to do things that scare me and to trust fully that God has me.
The best thing I’ve learned so far, is that I never regret facing the fear… And doing the thing.