Fasting Fear

When I was in high school, my church did a week long fast.

New to the whole fasting concept, I chose to fast dinner.

I had no idea what kind of effect this would have on my mind as a young girl struggling to fit in.

When I lost weight in the first few days of the fast, I got excited.

Immediately the fast became about my weight and it wasn’t about God anymore.

After the fast was over, I kept going.

I wasn’t eating enough.

At some point I remember being in my kitchen with my mom, reaching for a cereal box out of the cabinet and I woke up on the floor. I remember opening my eyes to my mom standing over me asking me if I was okay.

As most moms would do, she took me to the doctor and I had to tell her that I wasn’t eating dinner and I was eating very little for my other meals.

Basically she was like, yeah, you can’t do that.

So I stopped.

Honestly, it was as simple as that.

Since then I have been very wary about fasting food.

When I was in college, the whole school did lent together. I was constantly surrounded by people brainstorming what they were going to fast. People mentioning Facebook and Instagram and all of these things that weren’t food. It had honestly never occurred to me that you could fast something else.

I went from someone who refused to fast, because of her own insecure tendencies, to someone who gets excited and welcomes it because she knows it will bring her closer to God.

Now when I fast, I try and find the thing that is standing in between me and growth. What is it that is causing my growth to cease? What have I put in priority over God? What have I put on His thrown? In His place?

As my current church was gearing up to start our three week fast, I realized that the thing I had put in His place, was my own comfort.

I’ve become so afraid of what people will think of me and the things I do that I’ve just been sitting in this little comfort bubble. When I was praying about what to fast, I realized that by staying in this comfort bubble, I am consciously deciding to not be the person God has created me to be.

He did not make me the way that I am, with the passions I have and the things that I love, so that I could hide it all and never show it to anyone.

So, I am fasting - not doing things out of fear of what people think.

We started the fast on Monday, and already I’ve been challenged to do things that scare me and to trust fully that God has me.

The best thing I’ve learned so far, is that I never regret facing the fear… And doing the thing.

Going Afraid

Over and over again I have had the realization that sometimes in life you are just going to be afraid, but you're going to have to do it anyways. Yesterday I was at a coffeeshop with some friends and we were all working on different projects. This girl walks in and apparently knows one of my friends and he introduced us to her.

Later, when I was about to leave, my friend looks at me and says "you should give her a word" pointing at his friend.

For those of you who don't know what that means. It basically means asking God if He wants to say anything to someone, a word of encouragement or a prophetic word. Listening. And then sharing it with someone.

Without missing a beat, I say "I don't have anything."

"You didn't even ask" he says. Which threw me. Honestly. In my past three years of being involved in a ministry school and a church that does prophetic ministry, no one has ever challenged me in this way. If I had said I didn't have anything people would take my word for what it was and not push it. But he pushed it.

I walked downstairs to go to the bathroom and I was like fine I'll ask.

So I just say (in my head) God do you have anything for her?

And then I saw this picture. Shoot. He did have something for her.

I heard someone come into the restroom and I was like oh if that's her I can tell her really quick and leave and not have to encounter my friend who had challenged me.

It wasn't her. And so I paced around for a good minute before I got up the courage to walk back upstairs. I looked to where she was sitting and there was my friend smiling at me because he knew.

I walked over and super awkwardly gave her the word I thought God was speaking to her. And this girl who I knew nothing about got up and gave me a hug saying "that means so much to me."

I was so relieved. I said goodbye and started walking out and I heard her say to my friend "did you tell her anything?"

It was one of those dumb humbling moments where you're like "Okay God, I get it."

That was more important than my fear. The fact that this girl, who for all I know doesn't believe in God, knew that in that moment God knew her and loved her.

I have been fighting my fear for a long time thinking that I can't do things if I'm afraid, but that is not even close to being the case.

Almost always there will be fear, and there will be the opportunity to do it anyways.

Yesterday, I chose doing it anyways. I chose going forward afraid, but trusting that God had me.

And everyday I will trust in the fact that God always has me, and that even if I am afraid, I can do it anyways.

No More Fear

Sometimes I sit down to write about a certain topic, and I get halfway through what I want to say and realize that I don't want to finish it. Sometimes crushes just aren't that important, or poems aren't meant to be read by everyone. Whatever the case, I gave up my previous post about graduating to start this one and see where it goes. So here I am.

I love writing. I write about love. I write about the people that matter to me and unfortunately the people that hurt me. Luckily I'm not a famous blogger so I don't get crap for it like Taylor Swift does.

I have a couple of friends who read through my ramblings. (Thanks Jen) And I have a few more people that I don't actually know personally.

Either way, I'm happy that some people find entertainment from the words I put down.

I started my blog five years ago. Mainly to write about school, or the guys that I thought I was in love with. I've expanded to family and friends and identity. If there's one thing that I've learned through finding my true identity, it's that everyone should know what their true identity is.

So, I guess I'm just testing the waters. I'm kind of done being afraid. I've lived my life full of fear. Fear of trying things or sharing my heart, past, and passions with people. I've been so scared of being judged, or hurt, or made fun of. Maybe I've just been scared of failing. But I actually think that maybe I've been afraid of succeeding.

Sometimes in life, our enemies don't want us to succeed. Maybe sometimes we pick up on that and take that fear as our own.

I don't want to be afraid anymore.

I am in the process of writing a book. There it is. It's now out there for all you five to keep me accountable.

I am seven pages into a very rough telling of my life. Hard stories. Ridiculous stories. Me trying too hard to be funny or make readers laugh. Maybe me being too raw, or making light of things that are light to me now but weren't when they happened.

You see. When you know someone's past. The things that happened to them, and the things that they did in a moment of weakness. You can attest to God's goodness in who they are now. That is testimony.

Seeing where someone came from, and seeing them in present day thriving despite the past.

Hearing someone's stories about being held captive by darkness for so long, and not necessarily believing it because of who they are now.

So. I guess this is just the beginning.

Get ready?

Get The Hell Out

Recently a lot of stuff has been happening. By recently I mean, basically this whole fall into winter.

This past fall season, I took on more responsibilities at The Station.

Two new employees moved into the staff house and both were coincidentally in first year at the school of ministry.

Things seemed to be going good. Not too many hiccups.

Then Christmas break came. And all hell broke loose.

It seemed as though both of these people began making choices that didn't reflect a Godly lifestyle. 

If you know me at all, you know that I am not a very vocal person when it comes to my opinion or when I disagree with someone.

So all I did was sit back, and listen, and watch them break the camp rules.

I listened to the struggles. I listened to them both tell me that they didn't really get why there were such rules, and how they wanted to keep living in those lifestyles. Because they chose to keep living in those lifestyles, they ended up getting asked to leave The Station.

Eventually, the school of ministry pulled the plug on first year for them.

As all this is going on, I feel like I'm barely holding on to my sanity. Two people, that yes were making bad decisions, but I still shared life with were getting kicked out, or having the floor fall out from underneath them because the school was everything to them.

So I listened more. Still listening even though I had crap of my own that I was dealing with.

I got a dog. Wasn't ready. Took it back. Tried not to fall apart. Was pretty okay. Turned 25. Had a good day. Endured the worst winter I've ever imagined. Became one of the only employees at the camp besides the director. Wanted to quit my other job. Didn't quit my other job. Still want to quit my other job. Trying to find traction in my relationship with God. Hoping that I'm being stable enough for people to count on. Got sick. Fell apart on my boss. Had a mini breakdown. Hoped that it would go away on it's own. Feeling the weight of everything build up until I couldn't take it anymore. I needed help. Prayed that God would restore my joy. God restored my joy. Someone asked me what was wrong. Started feeling like something was actually wrong when I thought I was fine.

So much has been going on in my life, and I'm still trying to find out how to process it all.

I think that there are so many lies that I keep letting into my heart, and then I keep believing them.

So here is goes. I'm going to speak truth.

It was not my fault. I did not make them make those choices.

I am strong enough to hold down the fort, despite everyone else around me falling apart and making stupid decisions.

I am stable. You can be stable and still sometimes need to cry. It's totally normal and a part of life.

I am steadfast. I can be trusted. I can be there for people. I can be counted on.

I am beautiful. I am wanted. I am home for people. I have a mothers heart. I am a daughter of the king. I am a warrior.

So here's what I say to all the lies.

The doubts. The anxiety. The depression. The fear. The second guessing myself. The little tiny things that sneak into my mind and make me feel like I'm not good enough just as I am.

Get the hell out.

How I Got Here

I never used to think of things in the big picture perspective. I've always thought, things happened, and then other completely unrelated things happened, and that even more things will continue to happen.

It was never, things happened because other things happened.

But now I fully believe that everything, at least almost everything is connected.

So with that said, I would like to tell you how I got here, November 21 2015, sleepless at 4:45 am.

It all started with my seeking out another job in May.

I got a job offer and gave my notice at my current job. Then a week before my time of employment was up, the other job was seemingly less likely.

A little stressed I decided to still go on a road trip with my best friend two weeks later. I arrived in Mammoth Lakes, CA on July 12th, 2015. Immediately it felt like home and like I had purpose here.

After a week of wondering what I should do, I ended up emailing the other place and saying I would be staying in Mammoth. I applied for the school at Lighthouse, and I waited. I waited for God to provide, and He did.

In the two months between the time I arrived and the time the school started I dealt with a lot of stuff that I had willingly taken on while being home. Things that weren't my responsibility or things that were just lies. So already I had an amazing amount of healing.

School started and it was the most amazing shift I think I've ever been through. I went from "being done" with school to not being able to wait to go to school the next day.

The third week of school we went on a trip to Redding and I prophesied over someone for the first time, and it's as if I had been doing it the whole time.

This past week a fellow student talked a lot about how people have fear of man, and how Moses had fear of man and that's where Aaron came in. Every time she would mention it, I would feel myself kind of stiffen. I think deep down I knew that that was exactly what I struggled with in my walk with God, being afraid of what everyone would think or say.

Last night, the camp's developing worship team (four staff members) got together to have a mini worship practice. We were going for a couple of minutes and two of my friends got up and went into another room, and I was left sitting next to my roommate Jacob.

He was playing the guitar and singing and I was just sitting there. A couple minutes before I had felt God say, well at least I thought He said, to lift my hands to Him. However, I've always been pretty reserved in my worship. But when it was just Jacob and me, I decided, you know what, and I raised both arms straight up into the air and began praying.

I began to pray that I wouldn't be afraid of what people thought anymore. That I wouldn't have a fear of man, but a fear of God. I didn't want to hold back in worship because I thought people would think how I worshipped was weird. So I prayed this prayer and put my hands down feeling satisfied.

If that little prayer from my end could make me feel satisfied, you will understand why what happened next left me completely crippled.

Almost as soon as the other girls came back Jacob started playing the opening riff to You Won't Relent. And as earlier discussed with him, I was going to be singing it. So I started singing the first verse, and my friend began to tremble under the Holy Spirit probably about four words in.

I continued singing, happy that she was having that experience, and focused on the words and my voice. By the time I had sang through the second part twice I couldn't do anymore. I hadn't noticed right away but I had been physically shaking the whole time I was singing, and it wasn't because I was nervous. The Holy Spirit was on me.

I stopped singing, because I couldn't. I was basically paralyzed. It felt like every inch of me was vibrating and I couldn't move. I didn't sing for the rest of the night, and very gradually the shaking feeling faded. Though I could still barely make my way to the car because my legs felt so weird.

When I arrived home I went straight to the bathroom washed my tear stricken face and came upstairs to lay down. Not sleep. Just lay down and let myself bask in what had just happened, and allow myself to fully calm down. For about an hour I laid on my bed and just thought about how God has answered my prayer. Since the day I arrived in Mammoth I've been asking God to show me His presence, to let His spirit fall on me.

I actually have a song that says "Jesus speak to me, let your presence fall, and we will sing." Little did I know when I wrote that, that it would be almost impossible for me to even speak when His presence came on me.

At some point I fell asleep and woke up around 1:30 this morning, and I've been awake every since.

You know when you are waiting for something to happen and you can't fall asleep the night before? Or something so good happens that you're too happy to sleep?

I honestly don't know which it is, probably both, but I am still wide awake. It's 5:08 am. What the heck.

Anyways, back to my point.

It was all connected.

I have repeatedly told people that I probably wouldn't have been here if I hadn't have gone for that first job that I gave my notice for. If I hadn't of quit ahead of time, I wouldn't have felt okay leaving. But because I had already gone out on a limb, I decided why the hell not?

Literally? "Why the hell not?" Is how I ended up here?

I don't fully believe that, but that's how it started. But since then God has opened every door, and the next, and the next. I went from a place of anxiety and depression, to healing and His presence.

God knew that I wasn't ready to just jump right in. I needed healing first. It was all those steps that led me to last night and being able to lay down my fear at the cross, and feel His presence.

That is how I got here, sleepless at 5:14 in the morning on November 21, 2015. I'm tired, and ecstatic and just in awe of what God managed to completely change in me in one night. Now I am left wanting more.

But first sleep because I need to be up in an hour.

Take Chances

Last night I made the courageous (for me) decision to make myself a music page on Facebook. So I did it, I had just finished making an acoustic album (of questionable quality) and put it up on Soundcloud.

I've spent so many years afraid to share my music because I thought it wasn't perfect.

If you've read any of my past posts, you know that it got so bad, to the point where I hadn't written anything or practiced at all because I didn't want people to hear me.

After I edited my last couple of songs, I set up the album and put it on the internet.

I placed the link on my Facebook page and allowed for all of my friends and family to hear it.

Most of my family doesn't even know I'm a songwriter/Musician.

I was so scared to be critiqued that I wouldn't even put myself out there.

But I was wrong.

Instead of hearing words of judgment, I heard words of encouragement.

I saw people posting loving words about my voice, and my talent and telling me congratulations for the album.

I became excited about music again.

I took the chance and put myself out there.

I decided to be faithful to the gifts God has given me.

And because I decided to be faithful, God opened the door on my dream.

Today, a day after I made my page, I get a message from a musician at the church I attend.

He told me that I have an awesome voice and he would love to do guitar, bass, or drums on any of my songs. He has his own studio and went to school for it.

Something that I've always wanted to do is finally happening.

So now, I'm thankful that I took the chance and put myself out there.

Because people saw my heart, heard my voice, and they accepted it yes, but they liked it.

Because I remained faithful and I am being rewarded.

God loves to bless his children.

Take the chance.

Dear Twelve Year Old Self,

I want to start off by saying that you are beautiful. You are not ugly.

You are beautiful. Would you like to know why?

Because you don't care what others think yet, and though you may look different it doesn't bother you.

You are quick to run to the swings and plan all the adventures.

You would help plant the random change in the dirt so that you and your friend could dig it up later like it was treasure.

You would sing at the top of your lungs and not even care who was around to hear you.

I admire you.

You are beautiful.

Remember the fun you have when you make a whole binder of plans for when you are eighteen and plan to move out with your two best friends. Remember those best friends, because they are wonderful and sometimes friends grow apart. But still love them. And of course smile when you find the binder with the contracts you all signed saying you would do it.

In two years when you are about to enter high school, and you think that you need a boy to define you, stop. Stop and look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful. You are a beautiful creation that doesn't have to settle for some random guy to make herself feel loved, you are loved.

In high school, pay attention just a little bit more and apply yourself, actually focus on learning and not getting by.

When you finally get that 2' by 3' little card that allows you to drive a car alone, cherish it. It will become one of the ways that you can go and get away and feel free. And don't drive like the jerk driver you learned from and maybe your truck will live a little longer.

When people say that you should apply for scholarships, and you're just thinking to yourself, "oh I'll just get loans." Please don't do that to me, apply for all the damn scholarships you can. Exploit every little interest you have.

And when you finally get to college, stop and breathe it in. Not everyone gets this opportunity and you sure as hell aren't going to take it for granted. Learn. Make good friends. Don't pay attention to boys that will eventually hurt you and then pretend you don't exist.

When you walk across that stage and grab the little book that doesn't actually hold your degree; one, don't trip and two, look over and let them take your picture, don't be scared of the audience.

Finally, when you're in a place of waiting and you feel scared, isolated and alone, you are not. You are never alone.

When you feel like you're suffocating and drowning in doubt for what your future holds, know that you will be okay. You will always be okay.

Just stop and take a breath and remember that the One who created you is holding you still. Have peace and know that He is in control and that you need to try your hardest to stay faithful. Try your hardest to stay as innocent and adventure driven as you are now. Always live for adventure. Always live your life for Christ, and believe that he has amazing things in store for you.

Don't be scared to take a few leaps. Don't let money fool you, it's not the most important thing.

Let yourself be beautiful the way you are. Seriously. Let yourself laugh at the funny things and then even laugh at the times that are hard. Remember that you have your whole life ahead of you. You don't have to have everything figured out by the time you're twenty-three. Trust me, you won't anyways.

I hope that you will be happy, truly. Don't allow others words, or actions dictate your happiness. If you get to the point where you feel as though you are being taken advantage of or hurt or controlled, stop it. Don't let people hurt you in your life because they are hurting in theirs. Stay strong and stand up for yourself. Always stand up for yourself.

And again, remember to keep your childlike heart, believe the best in people, hope for greatness and live for adventure.

Love,

Your twenty-three year old self

There Is No End

I've always known that I'm terrible at communication. At least when said communication, is me communicating when things are not okay.

Equalling me confronting someone; a friend, an employee, a parent, etc.

I'm terrible at it because it usually needs to happen after a certain amount of time has passed and the same thing has continued to happen, continued to hurt.

If you know me at all you know that I will go as long as humanly possible taking hits, being teased, being hurt, being upset, well, basically letting people walk all over me, before I say anything.

It sucks because it's not just one person, it's multiple people, it's people that aren't even in my life anymore, it's people that are still very much in my life if not the closest people to me.

It's people that despite our friendship being as long as it is, don't actually know me as well as they should.

They don't understand how truly sensitive I am, or what I've actually been through. Because I haven't trusted enough people to speak it.

I've been cut very deep by the people closest to me and I think it makes it hard to let people in because I don't want them to get that close to end up hurting me. Especially when I see similar tendencies in them as I do in the person that did the initial hurting.

And despite all of the pain someone has caused me, intentional or not, it's still the hardest thing for me to bring it up and tell them what they have done. Like I don't want them to get upset that I'm bringing up what they did to hurt me. Or I don't want them to get defensive and then I stop presenting my side and start defending them instead so they can leave the conversation feeling better than I do.

It's not like I want to do it to hurt them either, I'm doing it so that they will understand and try not to do those things, or say those things. Then by the time I've gotten the courage to say something, I wonder, is it just me? Am I just too sensitive?

It doesn't matter.

People need to know when they are hurting you, and if they are good people, they will try to stop.

I know I'm mainly just saying all this for myself, because I need to be stronger that this.

I need to be stronger than I am.

I am weak. I am scared, and I am untrusting.

I need to be stronger and stand up for myself. If I don't like the way that I am being talked down to, I need to ask politely if they can stop treating me like I'm inferior, or talking to me like I'm stupid.

I am weak. So I can't.

I need to be courageous and believe that my life matters, my opinions matter, my feelings matter, and my need for respect matters.

I am not courageous.

I need to be trusting in my friends. I need to trust my parents. I need to trust coworkers. I need to trust people and believe that they care enough about me to let me speak my mind. I need to trust that one friendship will not fall to pieces if I open up and say that I don't like the way they've been treating me. That it won't fall apart if I tell them what's really happened to me.

I need to trust that people will still love me, despite my wounds, despite my fears, despite my darkness, and despite my past. Even now I need to trust that people I love will read this and not get upset, but understand that there are things I can't say.

But I don't trust.

And there is no end.