Fasting Fear

When I was in high school, my church did a week long fast.

New to the whole fasting concept, I chose to fast dinner.

I had no idea what kind of effect this would have on my mind as a young girl struggling to fit in.

When I lost weight in the first few days of the fast, I got excited.

Immediately the fast became about my weight and it wasn’t about God anymore.

After the fast was over, I kept going.

I wasn’t eating enough.

At some point I remember being in my kitchen with my mom, reaching for a cereal box out of the cabinet and I woke up on the floor. I remember opening my eyes to my mom standing over me asking me if I was okay.

As most moms would do, she took me to the doctor and I had to tell her that I wasn’t eating dinner and I was eating very little for my other meals.

Basically she was like, yeah, you can’t do that.

So I stopped.

Honestly, it was as simple as that.

Since then I have been very wary about fasting food.

When I was in college, the whole school did lent together. I was constantly surrounded by people brainstorming what they were going to fast. People mentioning Facebook and Instagram and all of these things that weren’t food. It had honestly never occurred to me that you could fast something else.

I went from someone who refused to fast, because of her own insecure tendencies, to someone who gets excited and welcomes it because she knows it will bring her closer to God.

Now when I fast, I try and find the thing that is standing in between me and growth. What is it that is causing my growth to cease? What have I put in priority over God? What have I put on His thrown? In His place?

As my current church was gearing up to start our three week fast, I realized that the thing I had put in His place, was my own comfort.

I’ve become so afraid of what people will think of me and the things I do that I’ve just been sitting in this little comfort bubble. When I was praying about what to fast, I realized that by staying in this comfort bubble, I am consciously deciding to not be the person God has created me to be.

He did not make me the way that I am, with the passions I have and the things that I love, so that I could hide it all and never show it to anyone.

So, I am fasting - not doing things out of fear of what people think.

We started the fast on Monday, and already I’ve been challenged to do things that scare me and to trust fully that God has me.

The best thing I’ve learned so far, is that I never regret facing the fear… And doing the thing.

Extra

For as long as I can remember I’ve believed that I’m not good enough.

Things were said to me as a child that I held on to. Lies that I took on as my identity.

The past four years have consisted of me trying to figure out the lies I’ve been believing and finding the truth to replace them.

It’s been a process. It’s not easy to get out of certain patterns of believing.

Honestly, that’s the biggest lie that tries to creep itself back into my mind, I am not good enough.

I think it’s the biggest lie we can all believe about ourselves.

It’s a root. And it grows into almost everything.

Like friendships.

And jobs.

Passions.

Because I struggle so much with not feeling good enough, I try and compensate for it.

I people please. To an unhealthy extent.

This means not saying “no.”

It means dancing around issues that I don’t want to address and cause conflict.

Not feeling good enough throws me into not being myself.

It means trying to fit into what I see as good. Not what God sees as good.

Not feeling good enough also makes me not want to try.

I have passions and things that I love to do and feel called to do, but I don’t do them.

I do destructive things that only further my feeling of not good enough.

But the thing is. It’s not anyone else telling me I’m not good enough.

It’s fear telling me I’m not good enough.

It’s fear telling me if I try I’ll fail.

It’s fear breathing down my neck in a conversation telling me my joke just flopped and everyone things I’m dumb.

It’s fear telling me I’m too afraid.

So I believe it. And I stop.

Being myself.

Doing what I love.

Trying.

Fighting.

I stop myself.

Because of fear.

Because it tells me I’m not good enough.

Recently I was challenged to think about the lies I believe and find a truth to replace it.

The lie: obviously, “i’m not good enough.”

As I was praying about it I felt God’s peace.

The truth: God made us good enough.

God has made us righteous.

“God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God.” 2 Corinthians 5:21

There’s nothing we could do or say to make ourselves good enough. Because He has already done it.

Everything else is just extra.

So be yourself.

Feel what you need to feel.

Step out in courage, because even if you fail this time, He’s got you.

Even if there’s rejection, He’s got you.

Follow your dreams and wake up each morning knowing that you were made good enough and anything you could do today is just extra.

Life Is More Than What I Have Accomplished

Today was rough. I'm not even gonna say that life is great. Life has been tough.

The past couple of days I have had a couple of realizations.

And the weight of those realizations was crushing.

In school today we had the chance to talk about said realizations. About the things that make us feel alive. About the things that I haven't necessarily been doing.

I have dreams. I have passions and desires to do things that I love doing.

But to be honest. I've just barely been surviving.

We went through a whole conversation about past events that could have led me here to this place. This place where I doubt everything I do. This place where I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Where I can't remember the last time I wrote a song. To this place where I feel like all I'm doing is what is asked of me, instead of what I want.

Once we had finished this conversation, it was as if my chest was ripped open and my heart was exposed. And I laid on the sanctuary floor with my chest open crying out to my God. Crying out for help and crying out for some explanation as to why I was crying so uncontrollably.

I couldn't breathe. I was trying to worship but all I could do was curl up into a ball and lay there, right in front of where I stand on occasion and lead worship. I had tried to sing through the tears, but it made it worse and I began hyperventilating.

Completely alone on the floor, I reached out my hands for something. I reached out for hope maybe. Or maybe something that felt like more. Maybe something that was similar to joy. Something I have been lacking for a while.

Natalie told me to text if I wasn't okay. And I desperately wanted to. But I also desperately wanted to be okay. I desperately wanted to seem as though I was strong. Because I am, and I should always be, right?

Today was a relatively good day too. I got to see the dog I took back to the shelter with his new owner. I got to hangout with good friends and eat amazing Mexican food and watch trashy television.

Then I walked into class and it seemed like the flood gates were opened and I couldn't stop.

I feel okay now. I feel very drained, but overall okay.

I have carried around this expectation of myself. That I need to be exactly who I was. I need to have the same consistency with writing songs that I did in high school.

But a wonderful friend so graciously told me today that I don't need to. I can let my focus slip to other things that matter to me. I can paint and take pictures. I can draw and make bracelets. I can write on my blog and I can write in my journal. I can do whatever I want. Because whatever it is, I am creating.

I am a creative.

I love to write, and sing, and be.

I care about people and love crafting relationships out of thin air.

I love creating things that mean the world to me.

I love learning new things.

So as I sit here internally processing, and then externally processing to you all.

I have the realization that it honestly doesn't matter what I do. If I do it with love.

So music doesn't have to be the end all be all.

Creating does. Being in relationship does.

As long as I am doing what God created me to do, then I am doing what I want to do.

As I have this revelation, a quote from my favorite band comes to mind:

"I have come to the realization that life is more than what I have accomplished and life is more than the realization that we have accomplished nothing at all..."

Liebster Blog Award Nomination

Well, it appears as though i have been nominated for something. 

I would like to thank not only my roommate, but also my favorite blog who nominated me imjusttryingtolive.

The award has to do with getting to know bloggers better, and the rules are this:

1. You must link back to the person who nominated you.
2. You must answer the 10 Liebster questions given to you by the nominee before you.
3. You must pick 10 bloggers to be nominated for the award with under 200 followers.
4. You must come up with 10 questions for your nominees to answer.
5. You must go to their blogs and notify your nominees.

Okay, so i will try my best to do all these things.. I'm not even sure i know 10 bloggers. And i can't renominate someone who has been nominated already. So anywhoozers. 

Here are the questions Sara asked me:

1.) Why did you start blogging?
         I originally started this blog for many reasons. One of them being, I got too addicted to Tumblr and had to have something that didn't constantly have pretty pictures and funny gifs to always distract me from my homework, and my life. Two, blogs are somewhat cooler than just writing in your journal, it's a way to be vulnerable with people by sharing your heart. And lastly, i think i just got to the point where i wanted to share my life with people, whether they know me in person or not. 

2.) What is your favorite adventure idea?
         I think my favorite adventure idea would be just being completely spontaneous. Like i stated in my last blog post, i used to be spontaneous. It would probably be the best thing to just be someone who would be willing to just go when someone asks. I love going on adventures that include driving. I can see myself traveling a few states away with a friend, or maybe even flying to a random country that is chosen at the airport. Spontaneity all the way.
 
3.) What country would you live in if you could live anywhere?
         This question is going to get such a biased answer. Italy. I'm Italian, you all probably didn't know that. I would have gotten around to telling you anyways. But yes, I Michelle Wheelus, am a quarter Italian. I would love to go see the beautiful Italy. Venice would be pretty amazing i think. Maybe i'll meet a hot Italian man. ;) 

4.) What would you do if all your bills were covered, so you had no debt, and you had an extra $100,000?
         HA! Easy! I would buy the 1966' Mustang coupe that i've always wanted, baby blue, maybe stick, but it should probably have a nice stereo because of my love for music. Which brings me to the other thing i would get, the Gibson guitar i've always wanted. It's 3,000 dollars and i would never be able to justify buying it if i didn't have a buttload of money left. Then with the left over money, i would plan roadtrips, traveling in Europe, and independently releasing my own record. I may have gone over 100,000..... oooops .

5.) What superpower do you wish you had?
        I think it would be pretty awesome to be able to just learn. Think about it. Someone just hands you a guitar and minutes later you're a pro. What if you became like a pro at everything... Well, that actually would be no fun. Scratch that, TELEPORTATION!

6.) Why do you believe what you believe?
         The reason i believe what i believe is because of experience, usually. I believe in God, because i've experienced His love. I believe in love, because i've been completely immersed in it since the day i was born. I believe in life, because it was given to us so graciously. I believe in second chances, because i love people and know they are only human and they make mistakes. I don't, however, believe in fifth chances, because i'm not stupid. 

7.) What are you passionate about?
           I am passionate about almost everything. I think at this point i'm just passionate about life and i'm happy i get to have big dreams. I'm passionate about music, and beauty in the world. I'm passionate about the noise the toaster makes when it pops my Eggos up toasted to perfection. I'm passionate about the needle in my speedometer passing eighty-five. I'm passionate about the friends i have and dreaming of the future and the wonders it holds. Lastly, i'm passionate about Jesus, and why he came and died to give us all grace. I'm passionate about the life he gives. 

8.) What is you favorite movie?
           See, i could answer this question, but then i would have to subject the rest of my movie collection to being second best. And i just don't think i want to do that to them. 

9.) What is your fondest memory?
             My fondest memory huh? Well. I can't think of just one. Because to be honest, i don't have one super great memory that i always have when i think of the best times in my life. But the best times in my life would have to be when i'm sitting around with a group of friends just laughing. Obviously not at nothing. But you know those times where there is some huge joke and you all CANNOT stop laughing, and then you just end up laughing at other peoples laughs. And it's just this huge laugh fest? Well, those would be my favorite memories. But i actually did just think of a pretty good moment that does take the cake. =] The first time i heard my nephew laugh. I love laughter if you hadn't noticed. 

10.) Who was your first friend?
           My first friend was my best friend for years. Her name is Rachel. We're still Facebook friends, but we did drift apart. We used to play Dance Dance Revolution all the time, and we did our first talent show together in front of the whole school and it was completely humiliating. We went through a lot together and she was a wonderful first best friend. 

Here are the only people i follow with less that 200 followers:

Love Thy Introvert

Ryann Kunst

On A Mission

But they are also the ones i would have picked anyways ;) 

So my questions for you three. 

1. What's your favorite season and why?
2. What prompted you to start writing?
3. What are your two biggest passions?
4. If you could take a free flight anywhere right now, where would it be?
5. If there was a fire, and you could only grab three things from your house, what would you grab and why?
6. What is your favorite thing to do with friends?
7. If you had full control over your future, and had all the money to make your dreams come true, what would your future plans look like?
8. What is your favorite band?
9. What is your favorite joke that you tell everyone?
10. What is your favorite blog and why?