Joy In the Midst of Despair

At 9pm on March 24th, my very first EP was released.

I had waited for this moment for years.

I waited through constant back and forth with the person who did all the recordings and mixed everything, and I was finally ready to put it out there.

“I Am Free” is a reminder that God has us and He loves us and He loves our dreams and wants to see them come to fruition.

I waited, and it finally happened.

I left work that morning, grabbed lunch and drove home to get ready for my other job, when I realized my dad was calling me.

Since he never calls me, unless it’s a butt dial, something was most likely wrong.

Fast forward about twenty seconds and I hear my dad say “grandma died today.”

I couldn’t breathe.

To be honest, we all knew she wasn’t doing well, but even so I don’t think you can ever fully be prepared to lose someone.

I was still in my car, but managed to make it inside my apartment before I fully lost it.

Suddenly, all the amazing memories with my grandma began flooding into my mind and I couldn’t stop the tears or hyperventilating.

Eventually I texted my boss that I definitely was not okay to come into work that afternoon.

I crawled into bed and just cried. 

Later that night, deciding I shouldn’t be alone, I went to my friends house.

There were five of us just sitting there, making jokes and laughing.

I would laugh, but also it made me feel almost guilty, like I shouldn’t be.

My grandma just died, why am I having a good time with my friends?

There was obviously a heaviness to the evening, and I definitely felt like I should still be laying in my bed crying.

I looked at the time on my phone and said “my album is out.”

It was definitely hard to let myself be happy and be proud of this accomplishment.

But I knew even though it was hard, and I wasn’t necessarily okay, I had spent years waiting for this moment so I was going to choose to sit and listen to it with my friends and allow myself to be stoked.

I am currently reading through Good Enough by Kate Bowler and came across this statement, “Some people will try to tell you to just “choose joy,” as if reframing your perspective will make things hurt less. I wish I could tell you joy was a magic formula. But, no matter how joyful you choose to act, joy does not erase the pain. Some things cannot be cancelled out. But you are capable of a whole range of emotions that can coexist. Joy and sorrow. Grief and delight. Laughter and despair. Sometimes, the absurdity even keeps us afloat.”

Yes, horrible and very sad things happen everyday and we can and should acknowledge them, but this does not mean we can’t experience joy in the midst of despair.

Even at my grandma’s funeral a week later, we all laughed as we cried while family shared funny stories about her life, including the times I embarrassed her in public when I was a kid.

There is always room for joy. 

Even in the difficult seasons. 

Even if it’s just laughter at the situation.

It also okay to grieve. Even when you know joy exists and something you are going through isn’t the end of the world. 

Jesus wept when his friend died, even though he was a miracle worker and knew he would raise him from the dead. 

So I’d say it’s okay to feel your emotions. Jesus did.

It gives me more freedom to know these feelings can coexist. I don’t have to beat myself up for laughing in the midst of death and sorrow.

But it’s also okay to allow myself to grieve in the midst of some of my dreams coming true.

So I will allow myself to feel joy, to grieve, to have hope for the future while living through difficult things, and not tell myself it’s wrong. 

Because there can be joy in the midst of despair. 

Love and Only Love

“Love and Only Love”

I wrote this song while I was still in college. Since it’s been almost 10 years, the meaning of the song for me was bound to change.

It started as a challenge.

See I went to a Bible college, and we would do Lent every year where you give up something for the 40 days until Easter.

For some reason I had chosen to not “slander” people.

Granted, I wouldn’t say that I’m a huge gossip or even someone that makes up lies about others. But it was something I felt like I needed to do or at least pay attention to.

It definitely made me realize how much of a human I was.

Very humbling.

I think some of the time we don’t realize how much we can run our mouths without even realizing it.

So I wrote the line “Jesus will you please take my tongue, because i’ve hurt too many to count, and I am bitter and broken, I am so outspoken, to others of them.”

Meaning I talk a lot without taking into account who I’m hurting.

As the years have gone by it has morphed from a challenge into a lament of my short comings.

A lament of falling short of the call I have on my life, to be like Jesus.

I want to be like Jesus.

Did Jesus talk crap about people?

Did Jesus call people out and condemn them?

No. So why would I?

Within the last few years it has been EXTREMELY difficult for me to call myself a Christian.

To be associated with people spewing hate towards homosexuals, transgender, people of different colors, people who have different beliefs than them, left/right wing, and the list goes on.

It’s honestly embarrassing.

Because as much as you don’t want it, stereotypes are formed.

After a while, when someone meets a Christian out in the wild, they automatically associate you with those hateful words or acts.

So I wrote this song to bring forth Love.

To sing about love being the only thing that I want to leave my mouth.

I don’t ever want to be a reason for someone to think God is hateful because I have said something hateful and I am supposed to look like him.

We are supposed to be an example of God’s love, so what kind of example are we setting?

Are we loving people where they are at?

Are we loving people for who they are?

Because God does.

God loves everyone, no matter what.

God does not hate “the gays.”

God doesn’t just “not hate” he “can’t hate.”

He cannot hate His beautiful creation.

If He did He would be going against the entirety of His nature.

God is Love.

1 John 4:16 says “God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them.“

So even though love is the call on our lives.

I will not shame anyone for the way that they live their life, because I myself have fallen short and that would defeat the purpose of love.

But I will choose to forgive my past self of the short comings and the potential hate that I have spread, and move forward with the new goal of Love.

And I hope that when people encounter me, people of different races, beliefs, genders, or lifestyles, that they will feel God’s love. Because this is life, and love is the point.

What Are My Motives?

After a rough couple of weeks I have come to the realization that one of the hardest things to do in life is to check your own motives. 

The last four or so months I have been training to hike Mt. Whitney. 

All of our hikes had been fun and slightly challenging; I was growing and getting stronger. 

For the last month and a half I have been dealing with major stress revolving around Whitney. What if I don’t summit? “I have to summit”, I would think to myself. But the doubt would creep in. What if..?

Finally within the last week I began feeling more confident about it and truly felt that I would make it if I just paced myself. 

Yesterday I received an email that said, because of a fire, the road to the Whitney trailhead was closed until further notice. I began to spiral. 

We are supposed to hike out July 3rd, a little over a week away. 

The new stress of not being able to do it set in. 

For some reason I felt the need to sit down and ask myself “why am I doing this?” Why do I feel like I’m going to fall apart if I don’t get to do this? Was I doing this because it’s a newfound dream or was there another motive?

It started as a dream. Then as time went on, more and more people found out about it and I took that as pressure to succeed. Because if all these people knew I was doing it and I couldn’t summit, I would be embarrassed. 

It started as a challenge for myself, for me to prove to myself that I could do hard things. It ended up becoming me trying to impress others. 

Then just like that the stress left. Once I realized I was no longer doing this for myself but to prove myself to others, it lost its power over me.

I was able to step back and return to the original point. I am doing this for me. 

The point is to have fun. 

To be challenged. 

The point is to try, even if I don’t succeed. 

It’s not easy to admit that you are doing things for the wrong reasons. But if I hadn’t stopped to question myself I would still be in that stressed out anxious place, trying to impress the world. 

In the end, I’m the only one I need to prove myself to. 

Lucky for me, I’m easily impressed. 

It's okay to not be okay

I think sometimes we forget that it’s okay to not be okay. 

I can remember so many times when I’ve had even a small breakdown and then I felt ashamed that I cried or couldn’t hold myself together. 

But I shouldn’t be ashamed, because it’s normal. 

It’s normal for things to seem overwhelming at times, or impossible. 

It’s normal to cry. 

It’s normal to feel out of control, even when you pride yourself on being in control all the time. 

The past couple of weeks for me have been this way.

Certain situations trigger my insecurities, and then all the emotions come flooding in. 

Thoughts like “I’m not good enough, beautiful enough, skinny enough.”

“I don’t do enough.”

So I breakdown. I get stuck in my head and basically have to ride it out. 

I’m not gonna lie, sometimes it’s hard being single when all you want is someone there who will hold you when you cry. 

It’s so hard for me because I sometimes take pride in being the stable one. The one that’s there for everyone and listens and holds people while they cry. But it’s so extremely insanely STUPIDLY difficult for me to ask anyone for help when I need it. 

In fact, I try to hide it. 

But I think having breakdowns and moving on should be normal. Just cry for a couple hours and get it out and then don’t beat yourself up about it, just keep living.

Two years ago when I was struggling with anxiety, I would basically have an attack everyday and then cry from shame afterwards because it happened again and I couldn’t control it. 

We aren’t meant to hold everything in. 

I’m sitting here watching Gilmore Girls. It’s an episode where Rory and Lorelei end up both having breakdowns at the same time and completely feel like they’re failing and can’t go on. As I was watching it hit me, they actually don’t address it at all after those scenes. 

They both had their breakdowns and then the next episode starts and they don’t even talk about it, they are back to normal. 

I’m not saying we shouldn’t address our breakdowns. Obviously if there’s an issue that is the common denominator in your breakdowns you should probably look into it. 

I’m saying that it’s okay to have a breakdown and move on. 

It’s okay to not be okay. But it’s also okay to be okay, after not having been okay two hours ago. 

I may just be speaking to myself here, but I hope this encourages someone. 

Don’t beat yourself up for having overwhelming feelings sometimes that have to come out as tears and ugly sobs. 

And I guess I’ll try to stop that too. 

Black Lives Matter

I have been mostly silent through all of this, mainly just trying to figure out how the best way to respond is. I know that silence isn’t great, but I also didn’t want to be shamed into acting or posting on my instagram story and knowing that my heart really hadn’t grasped the fullness of what’s going on. 

I was reading in Acts this week when, finally, I felt my own anger rise up inside of me. 

Peter said to them, “You all know that it is against the Jewish laws for me to associate with or even visit the home of one who is not a Jew. Yet God has shown me that I should never view anyone as inferior or ritually unclean…Now I know for certain that God doesn’t show favoritism with people but treats everyone on the same basis. It makes no difference what race of people one belongs to.” Acts 10:28-34 (Passion Translation)

I have so many thoughts racing around in my brain that it’s hard to even pinpoint the ones I should say. 

First off. Black Lives Matter. 

Second. It is NEVER okay for anyone, ESPECIALLY a Christian who follows God and believes the Bible is fully inspired by Him, to say or believe otherwise.

Third. “Black Lives Matter” does not mean All Lives don’t. 

Fourth. When God says that he loves someone and that their life matters, yet we are shaming, killing, ignoring, or saying/thinking we are better than, we are in direct disagreement with the kingdom of God. 

What will you say when you, a Christian, get to judgment day and God asks “why didn’t you love my people?”

Though fear is not a reason to start caring for Black people, or jumping on the Black Lives Matter wagon. You join the cause simple because they do. Black Lives Matter. And to live in a world that this is even a question is infuriating.

To any Black person that may read this, 

I am sorry. Sorry for my silence, and sorry that anyone and everyone has made you feel inferior just for being born a different color. You matter. You are beautiful. You are powerful. You are loved. 

Sincerely,

A formerly blind, white Christian woman.

Fasting Fear

When I was in high school, my church did a week long fast.

New to the whole fasting concept, I chose to fast dinner.

I had no idea what kind of effect this would have on my mind as a young girl struggling to fit in.

When I lost weight in the first few days of the fast, I got excited.

Immediately the fast became about my weight and it wasn’t about God anymore.

After the fast was over, I kept going.

I wasn’t eating enough.

At some point I remember being in my kitchen with my mom, reaching for a cereal box out of the cabinet and I woke up on the floor. I remember opening my eyes to my mom standing over me asking me if I was okay.

As most moms would do, she took me to the doctor and I had to tell her that I wasn’t eating dinner and I was eating very little for my other meals.

Basically she was like, yeah, you can’t do that.

So I stopped.

Honestly, it was as simple as that.

Since then I have been very wary about fasting food.

When I was in college, the whole school did lent together. I was constantly surrounded by people brainstorming what they were going to fast. People mentioning Facebook and Instagram and all of these things that weren’t food. It had honestly never occurred to me that you could fast something else.

I went from someone who refused to fast, because of her own insecure tendencies, to someone who gets excited and welcomes it because she knows it will bring her closer to God.

Now when I fast, I try and find the thing that is standing in between me and growth. What is it that is causing my growth to cease? What have I put in priority over God? What have I put on His thrown? In His place?

As my current church was gearing up to start our three week fast, I realized that the thing I had put in His place, was my own comfort.

I’ve become so afraid of what people will think of me and the things I do that I’ve just been sitting in this little comfort bubble. When I was praying about what to fast, I realized that by staying in this comfort bubble, I am consciously deciding to not be the person God has created me to be.

He did not make me the way that I am, with the passions I have and the things that I love, so that I could hide it all and never show it to anyone.

So, I am fasting - not doing things out of fear of what people think.

We started the fast on Monday, and already I’ve been challenged to do things that scare me and to trust fully that God has me.

The best thing I’ve learned so far, is that I never regret facing the fear… And doing the thing.

You Complete Me

What if there isn’t anyone for me? 

I think about this question sometimes. 

I’m not restless about finding someone to date and marry (anymore), but I would admit that it’s something that’s on my mind. 

Sometimes I think that growing up in the church put my focus more on my “future husband” than on my own future. I know that’s a strong statement. I’m not saying it’s every church, but sometimes I think the church puts a heavy emphasis on people finding mates.

To be honest, I can’t remember a time where I wasn’t thinking about who my “future husband” could be. 

It’s as if this became the most important thing to me. Finding him. 

At some point I think I stopped having my own dreams and just started only thinking about what my future would be like when I meet the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. 

I wanted to be a rockstar. A writer. A painter. 

I wanted to be Avril Lavigne. 

I wanted to be a spy. 

When I was a child, I didn’t dream about being someone’s wife. 

I dreamt about having a horse and hacking into the mainframe. 

I mean maybe I dreamt about having my own Sk8er Boi.

My identity became completely wrapped up in finding someone. In changing who I was to be what someone liked. I lost myself to try and find someone else. 

I’m twenty-seven years old now, and I finally feel like I know what my identity is. It’s not lost in a sea of things that I pretended to like or dislike. Or in my choice to wear makeup or not. Or if I end up with someone or not.

It’s lost in a God that loves me the way He made me. Who says I don’t have to change to be loved by Him. 

It’s crazy how far any of us could be from the truth, and yet God still loves us anyways. 

So now when I think about that question, “what if there isn’t anyone for me?”

I can immediately dismiss it. Because honestly who cares? 

As long as God is for me and I am for me, does it really matter? 

Of course God said it’s not good for man to be alone, but He made us for Him. Other’s aren’t made to complete us. That’s His job.

Extra

For as long as I can remember I’ve believed that I’m not good enough.

Things were said to me as a child that I held on to. Lies that I took on as my identity.

The past four years have consisted of me trying to figure out the lies I’ve been believing and finding the truth to replace them.

It’s been a process. It’s not easy to get out of certain patterns of believing.

Honestly, that’s the biggest lie that tries to creep itself back into my mind, I am not good enough.

I think it’s the biggest lie we can all believe about ourselves.

It’s a root. And it grows into almost everything.

Like friendships.

And jobs.

Passions.

Because I struggle so much with not feeling good enough, I try and compensate for it.

I people please. To an unhealthy extent.

This means not saying “no.”

It means dancing around issues that I don’t want to address and cause conflict.

Not feeling good enough throws me into not being myself.

It means trying to fit into what I see as good. Not what God sees as good.

Not feeling good enough also makes me not want to try.

I have passions and things that I love to do and feel called to do, but I don’t do them.

I do destructive things that only further my feeling of not good enough.

But the thing is. It’s not anyone else telling me I’m not good enough.

It’s fear telling me I’m not good enough.

It’s fear telling me if I try I’ll fail.

It’s fear breathing down my neck in a conversation telling me my joke just flopped and everyone things I’m dumb.

It’s fear telling me I’m too afraid.

So I believe it. And I stop.

Being myself.

Doing what I love.

Trying.

Fighting.

I stop myself.

Because of fear.

Because it tells me I’m not good enough.

Recently I was challenged to think about the lies I believe and find a truth to replace it.

The lie: obviously, “i’m not good enough.”

As I was praying about it I felt God’s peace.

The truth: God made us good enough.

God has made us righteous.

“God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God.” 2 Corinthians 5:21

There’s nothing we could do or say to make ourselves good enough. Because He has already done it.

Everything else is just extra.

So be yourself.

Feel what you need to feel.

Step out in courage, because even if you fail this time, He’s got you.

Even if there’s rejection, He’s got you.

Follow your dreams and wake up each morning knowing that you were made good enough and anything you could do today is just extra.

Evil Doesn't Win

Have you ever watched a movie where the bad guy gets away?

You spend an hour or two watching the villain harass the protagonist, fully knowing that they will get theirs in the end.

Then as the end approaches the very unsettling feeling of dread washes over you as suddenly you realize that they get away. The bad guy gets away. The murderer escapes. The villain lives another day to torment someone else.

You want to know why it’s so unsettling?

Because most of us are instilled with the belief that good always wins.

We have been trained since birth that bad guys never win, and good guys always have the last word.

Evil is always conquered.

There has to be a reason that we walk around every day knowing that good always wins.

There has to be a reason that even though I have been walking through the hardest season of my life, I still know deep down in my heart that this isn’t how it ends. That this isn’t where it ends because evil does not win. And I think that we were created with this belief.

God created us in His image, and God is a God of justice.

He is the ultimate “good guy.”

Think about it.

He sent His Son to die on a cross as the atonement for our sins. Do you know what that means?

If we believe in Him… everything we have ever done and everything we will ever do… every mistake we make…knowingly and unknowingly… is paid for. It’s wiped away. It’s forgotten. There is no more record. Because He keeps no record of wrongs.

“For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.” John 3:16

So why do we believe that good always wins?

Because everything that God has ever done has been proof that it does.

Because even if we suffer, there is hope.

Because even if we die, there is eternal life.

Because even if we lose a battle, He has won the war.

Because God is good.

And Good always wins.

I am not ashamed.

On September 5th, I took my first antidepressant. I had been struggling with anxiety/depression almost every day for about three months. I had been working out regularly and eating pretty well, so I wasn’t sure why I was so anxious all the time.

Finally, after spending months trying to rule out certain things, I gave in.

I kept beating myself up because I was thinking it was something I was doing. Or wasn’t doing. So I went to the doctor.

Initially I didn’t want to.

I have grown up in the church. I have grown up surrounded by people telling me “not to claim it” when I’m sick. Or basically just feeling like I’m not believing hard enough if I’m not getting healed.

Don’t get me wrong. I am definitely a believer that God can heal. But I’m also a believer that God uses his children for healing. Including doctors. Including medicine. So instead of continuing to believe that medication meant I had failed, I went in and got some.

And you know what? It helped.

I had spent three months of my life, riddled with anxiety everyday. Losing myself in fear and panic. Getting depressed because I felt lost in this cycle of feeling good for a day and thinking I’d been healed only to wake up in a panic the next day.

Crying after a panic attack because I was so upset that it happened again. Asking people to pray for me almost daily. Crying out to God to fix me. To heal me. To help me.

All of this had ceased and I felt like I could breathe again. I could breathe. And I could be myself. People around me even started to notice that I seemed more like myself. Lighter.

All because of a tiny little pill made by someone whom God made.

Through this whole process, I was leading worship at my church. I was still walking with God. I was still a very strong believer.

And yet, word got back to me that someone I had trusted and told all this to, had told one of the pastors that they couldn't follow a worship leader that was on medication.

I share that not because I'm upset, but because sometimes when people get on medication, other people might question their credibility. Inside or outside the church.

And if you are one of those people who feel doubted and questioned, do not be discouraged or ashamed. There is nothing wrong with medication. There is nothing wrong with taking a step to help yourself. God does not condemn you. So don't listen to anyone else who tries to. 

But find the people who are going to love and support you through your process. The people you can run to when you have a bad day. The people who will always be praying for you. Find those people.

And never be ashamed.

Going Afraid

Over and over again I have had the realization that sometimes in life you are just going to be afraid, but you're going to have to do it anyways. Yesterday I was at a coffeeshop with some friends and we were all working on different projects. This girl walks in and apparently knows one of my friends and he introduced us to her.

Later, when I was about to leave, my friend looks at me and says "you should give her a word" pointing at his friend.

For those of you who don't know what that means. It basically means asking God if He wants to say anything to someone, a word of encouragement or a prophetic word. Listening. And then sharing it with someone.

Without missing a beat, I say "I don't have anything."

"You didn't even ask" he says. Which threw me. Honestly. In my past three years of being involved in a ministry school and a church that does prophetic ministry, no one has ever challenged me in this way. If I had said I didn't have anything people would take my word for what it was and not push it. But he pushed it.

I walked downstairs to go to the bathroom and I was like fine I'll ask.

So I just say (in my head) God do you have anything for her?

And then I saw this picture. Shoot. He did have something for her.

I heard someone come into the restroom and I was like oh if that's her I can tell her really quick and leave and not have to encounter my friend who had challenged me.

It wasn't her. And so I paced around for a good minute before I got up the courage to walk back upstairs. I looked to where she was sitting and there was my friend smiling at me because he knew.

I walked over and super awkwardly gave her the word I thought God was speaking to her. And this girl who I knew nothing about got up and gave me a hug saying "that means so much to me."

I was so relieved. I said goodbye and started walking out and I heard her say to my friend "did you tell her anything?"

It was one of those dumb humbling moments where you're like "Okay God, I get it."

That was more important than my fear. The fact that this girl, who for all I know doesn't believe in God, knew that in that moment God knew her and loved her.

I have been fighting my fear for a long time thinking that I can't do things if I'm afraid, but that is not even close to being the case.

Almost always there will be fear, and there will be the opportunity to do it anyways.

Yesterday, I chose doing it anyways. I chose going forward afraid, but trusting that God had me.

And everyday I will trust in the fact that God always has me, and that even if I am afraid, I can do it anyways.

Made For More

When I was a junior in college I got my first tattoo. Now, for those of you who don't like tattoos I can understand that this may not affect you.

But for those of you who do have tattoos, do you remember dreaming up things that you wanted to get before you got any? Trying to find the perfect tattoos, or maybe ones with a lot of meaning. Or maybe you just got them because they looked cool. All good reasons.

For me, tattoos have mostly always been about the meaning behind them.

So when I was a junior in college, I made the leap.

I was struggling a lot with my health and wanting to be more healthy and workout and a friend of mine had this book called Made To Crave.

I only remember reading the first chapter before I found it. The author was talking about how we were "made for more." No I don't remember the context. But I remember how I felt.

I felt as though "made for more" was the most encouraging butt kicking statement that I had come across. Ever. Just the fact that God has made us for more.

I had spent years dreaming up all these tattoos and never doing it and then I read that line and two weeks later I got "made for more" tattooed on my foot.

My friend liked the concept so much that she eventually got it tattooed on her as well. Then that summer I did my internship in Massachusetts and the pastor's wife there saw mine and ended up getting it tattooed on her foot.

My first tattoo, would follow me wherever I went. Literally and figuratively.

Every time I was struggling or felt stuck, I would simple recite my tattoo. "I was made for more"

It started out as the start of a health journey but turned into my life long motto. I got it six years ago and I feel like in every season of my life I find new meaning in it.

A new way to relate it to something I'm going through.

A new way to see that God has made me for great things. God has made me for more than I could ever have imagined. His dreams are bigger than mine. His thoughts are bigger than mine.

But when it really comes down to it, I was made for him.

I was made for more than this world. I was made for the king.

I follow this woman named Rachel Hollis on social media, and I'm in the middle of her book "Girl Wash Your Face"

The other day she made a post about a conference or some kind of meeting with the hashtag #madeformore

Stunned I clicked on it and there are about 150k posts with that tag.

My tattoo was a movement and until this week I had no idea.

And I am so glad.

This is definitely something that people need to realize about themselves.

Each and every one of us were made for more than anything we could ever possibly imagine. God made us for great things.

So be encouraged.

When you are going through it. When you struggle or when you feel stuck. There is always more.

Know that God wants the best for us and if we let Him, He will get us there.

He will get us to the more.

I Will Laugh Again

I haven't written in a while and I think I just didn't really know what to say. The past few months have been filled with change, anxiety, sadness, excitement, and a lot of goodbyes.

Sometimes all of those things in the same day and even the same second if you would believe that.

Once we moved from The Station it was as if "goodbye" just became normal. And not even a "goodbye I'll see you tomorrow." They were goodbyes where friends moved back home, or to a different state.

I said goodbye to levels of friendship because we no longer had schedules that lined up and we couldn't hangout all the time.

I said goodbye to a dream I didn't even realize was a dream until it was over. Or paused.

I said goodbye to the most annoying yet most beautiful place to live ever. And it kills me to drive past it.

I held myself together for almost two months after we moved. I didn't cry. I didn't even think about it. I went about my business telling myself I was fine. It was fine. Everything is fine.

I guess pushing things down or away doesn't REALLY help. It just postpones the inevitable breakdown. It just shoves away the healthy reactions and they build up until one day you can't keep a lid on top anymore.

Honestly, I can't keep a lid on it anymore. I didn't take the time to let my feelings out as they came, and now I cry at anything. I think about the camp and I cry. I think about my mom and I cry. I think about being in Mammoth and I cry. Honestly ANYTHING.

And then I get annoyed at myself for crying. And then I cry more.

This may be one of the most vulnerable posts I have written. And I'm not even entirely sure if it's helpful. It's just what is.

I don't have answers, I just have the process and I have to keep moving. Because that's the only way to get through it.

I have to be okay with the fact that I cry every day. As long as I'm getting it out eventually it has to stop (fingers crossed). I have to be okay with where I am but I also need to have hope for where I am going and be okay with the actions I need to take to get there. Even if they are actions I never thought I would have to take.

It may take a good while, but there is a time for everything.

"a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance" Ecc 3:4.

I just need to keep moving. I need to keep pushing through, because one day I will laugh again.

Not an End

I'll just start by saying these past two and a half years have been my favorite season of my life. I have grown and matured more than I could have ever imagined and I got to meet amazing people along the way. Then enters this thing called transition.

Not a fan.

Transition is just a fancy way of saying things are changing and you either get with it or you put it off but eventually have to give in anyways because it has to happen.

It's not something you can stop. A lot of the time it's not something you even see coming.

You can be living life, loving it and not wanting anything to change, and then here comes transition lurking around the corner ready to slap you upside your head, or rip the rug out from underneath you.

Sometimes, however, you know when it's coming.

Sometimes you get to see it all unfold in front of you and you get time to process.

I'm not sure if this is better or not.

Being jolted into something new is sometimes better because otherwise you probably wouldn't have chosen to do it. That's how I ended up here in the first place.

Seeing the moment of transition coming and not wanting it to happen and not being able to stop it is hard.

That's how this has been.

Two years ago someone bought the permit to the land The Station is currently located on. We've had two years to process the fact that when our lease is up at the end of this month we will be moving.

We just had our last camp on the property.

So on the last morning, I got up early and went into the lodge to pray and worship. I sat at the back and stared at all of the chairs that sat there waiting to be occupied for breakfast.

And I thought about all of the campers that have come through our doors. And then I began to thank God for all the campers who have come through our doors.

I started thanking him for my life being impacted by this small little camp with the biggest vision. I thanked him for the friends I have made and the family I have become a part of. I somehow in a matter of minutes turned my mindset from "this is the end" to "this is just the beginning."

And honestly, it's the truth.

Transitions don't necessarily mean it's an end. Sometimes things end, but for this it's just the property.

The dream hasn't died. The vision is still there. It's just the beginning of what God wants to do with The Station.

So as I sat, finally accepting this transition.

The only word I could think of was thankful.

Thankful for this place and what it means to me.

And thankful for the more to come.

The List

I think most people can relate to the fact that I have a list. Not just any list.

THE list.

You know. The one that is filled with the desired traits/interests/dreams/appearance of the man that I some day want to be with. That list.

For as long as I can remember I have had a very specific list. To spare you I won't write down everything. But it was just a lot of appearances, and likes, and dreams, and so on and so forth.

Let me start by saying that I'm not here to hate on the list.

Everyone has a type.

Whether it's a look, or a personality trait, there is always something there in someone that immediately attracts you to them.

For me it's always been if someone is kind. Which surprisingly enough hasn't been too many people.

Of course we are all drawn to different people for different reasons and that is totally fine. God created each of us differently and with that comes different preferences and attractions.

Honestly, I think that having a list is fine. Depending on what is on it.

For me, my list became so specific that honestly, I don't even think any man could have ever checked off every item, not even Jesus himself.

Today I was talking to my friend about this guy that I have a crush on. Immediately I started listing off all these things that were on my list that he didn't have or do. And it hit me that maybe he doesn't have to have or do those things.

I think that I got so caught up in what my human mind would want, that I failed to even ask God what he thinks would be good for me.

I have this huge list of things that I want in a potential guy, and honestly if I met a man with all those things but he wasn't the right person it still wouldn't work. Just because we want something it doesn't mean it's good for us.

This is not me saying that we need to lower our standards and take things off our list.

It's simply just me saying that I think we need to take a minute and ask God what he sees for us.

God created us and he knows us, he knows the desires of our hearts. I think taking a look at the list with a God perspective and choosing what the actual important items are, the deal breakers if you will, is what we need to be doing.

Think about it this way.

God could have this amazing man out there for you. He's kind and sweet and makes you laugh and actually treats you like a human, and you don't want to give him the time of day because he isn't tall enough. Or he doesn't look like your type normally looks. Or he isn't a musician. Or he isn't....blah blah blah.

You could totally miss out on the right guy for you because you're too focused on a fictional character that you've made up in your mind that doesn't really exist.

Are you going to let yourself miss out? Or are you going to decide what's important and then go for it?

This is why I'm single...

When I went home for Thanksgiving last month, I had an amazing time being with family and I even got to meet a few new members of it. The one tiny detail about me being the last single person in my family is not lost on me. It's basically my uncle and me and then everyone else with kids.

As the night went on, I underwent all the "are you dating anyone?" questions, and of course informed everyone that, no, I was not dating anyone, but would send out a group message once I was.

This of course isn't that big of a deal to me.

But then, later after dinner we all sat and watched the little ones play.

Everything went a little chaotic for a second with the kids and my uncle looked at me and made a comment about us choosing the right way. Or simple way. Or basically the way that prevented us both from sitting there with crazy kids to take care of.

Without missing a beat I said "You say it as if I had a choice."

It wasn't until this moment where it was like, oh wow. So that's how I really feel.

I've been living my life "single" and doing what I feel God is leading me to do, but deep down as I watch everyone else around me find love, get married and make babies it just makes me wonder, when is it my turn?

I'm not upset about it. But I do wonder.

So I may or may not have bought the book "Loveology" by John Mark Comer.

If I have all this time as a single person, I'm sure as heck going to prepare myself for what's to come.

So I'm reading through this book, and in the back of my head I just hear the whining "why am I single?" You know. Like one of those thoughts you don't give yourself permission to think.

Page after page, of wonderful insight by the way, and I found it.

"The point of marriage isn't to find our missing half. It's to help each other become all that God intended. Our future, real selves. In marriage, two people partner to that end. They see the best in each other -- the person God created them to be -- and they push and pull each other toward that goal.

Don't get married because you think he or she is "the one." Trust me, they're not. There's no such thing! But do get married when you see who God is making somebody to be, and it lights you up. When you want to be a part of that story of transformation. That journey to the future. When you are well aware it will be a long and bumpy ride, but you don't want to miss one mile. Because you believe in God's calling on them, and you want in."

Okay. I'm not going to lie to you. I definitely started crying when I read this.

It was this moment of clarity.

Then suddenly all the crushes, almost boyfriends, and people that I gave a second glance to came rushing through my mind. There was a reason I never allowed myself to let anything become more than it was. It's not that there was a lack of opportunity, but there was a lack of future.

It honestly put my mind at ease when I realized that I had finally found the reason why I didn't have anyone. But it was also the reason why I didn't want anyone.

I have not felt this way about anyone that has ever crossed my path.

You know you have crushes and sometimes you have opportunities to speak up and say something, but you don't. Somewhere deep down inside you know this is just a crush, and it wouldn't actually go anywhere. I like them, but the future I see for them is not a future that I want.

Sometimes I think when we're single we start thinking about all the things that could be wrong with who we are. The reasons why people don't pursue us. We start doubting ourselves and believing lies about who we are only because guys aren't dropping at our feet telling us how amazing we are.

Maybe it's just the same for them? They think you're great, but you are not someone they want their future with. It doesn't have to be made into some self-hating thing. (I am mostly speaking to myself here.)

So someone doesn't want to waste your time! Why are you complaining?

I would most definitely rather not have guys pursue me for the sake of pursuing.

If I have to wait in complete silence from men, for the one person who sees my heart and where my future leads and wants in, then it was worth it.

So until that happens. This is why I'm single...

Surround Yourself With People Who Want to See Your Dreams Come True

In September I took a trip to Switzerland. Again. I know right? How does a girl who never even thought about traveling other than wanting to visit her homeland (Italy), end up going to Switzerland twice in two years?

Well, the simplest answer is that when I moved to Mammoth, I was immediately surrounded by people that travelled a lot.

After living in a place where traveling is the norm and streets are filled with foreign skiers and snowboarders, it kind of changes your mindset. Lets just say that it rubbed off on me.

This last trip was a totally different experience than the first.

My first trip was a missions trip. Every day planned and filled with some sort of meeting with people my pastors knew but I had only ever heard of.

This trip was more freeing in a way. When it started, I was in an awesome city with three of my closest friends. I'm sure when we all lived in the Staffhouse together that we were not expecting to all be in Zürich together two years later.

But I think it was a reunion that we all needed. We needed to see each other as we were all getting ready to embark on a different chapter of our own lives.

So in the span of two and a half weeks I went from Zürich to Laax, Laax to Interlaken, Interlaken to Saas Fee, and then back to Zürich to begin my travels home.

It was a very wonderful trip. That's all I can think to say to people when they ask me how my trip was. For some reason I wouldn't really elaborate at all unless people asked. Then I found myself grasping at straws for stories to entertain them.

I think now I understand why.

When I was staying in Saas Fee with the Bowman's, my Mammoth family, they decided they wanted to take me to either France or Italy. Since I am a quarter Italian and had always wanted to go I opted for that, so we went.

We drove over the border and into Italy and it was as if in my mind I was picturing a new check on my bucket list. Sure it was the equivalent of driving from San Diego into Tijuana for the day, but it meant the world to me. It was probably my favorite day out of the whole trip.

I got to experience this awesome country with the people that I love.

I had real Italian Pizza, a cappuccino, gelato shaped like a flower, and delicious Italian wine.

We talked, we laughed, and eventually we began our journey back to Saas Fee via a very windy pass in the dark of night. In between falling asleep in the backseat we laughed at how fast we were going and how not everyone was cool with it.

A day trip into the country that I had always wanted to go to, all because the people I was with love me and wanted to see this small dream of mine come true.

I think that before I moved to Mammoth, I wasn't necessarily encouraged to follow all of my dreams. I mean of course generally people would try and support what I wanted to do, but it kind of always came off as if they meant they wanted to support my dreams while I followed them from behind the walls of my high school bedroom.

Which I totally understand that when people aren't making crazy leaps of faith all the time, seeing other people doing it may seem irresponsible or insane. Or both.

But when you love someone, you want to see their dreams come true. Even if it means you don't get to be directly next to them when that happens.

I think the biggest lesson that I have learned is that you need to surround yourself not only with people who love you and love what you love, but also people who are going to want to see your dreams come true. Maybe sometimes they'll even help you along the way if they can.

I think the reason I have such a hard time telling people about my trip and the places I went is because the places actually didn't matter to me. Yes yes. Everything was amazingly beautiful. But for me I was just happy to see my friends. I was happy to be with the people that I love and who love me.

THAT is my dream come true.

And to experience a beautiful country together, well, that was just a bonus.

Realizations of a Typical Adult

Today I arrived back in Hollister. I'm here for about a week before I fly out to Switzerland. I made it in about eight hours, walked in the door, and ate breakfast for dinner.

Everyone kind of went off to bed and I decided that it was a great idea to read one of my journals from high school. Mistake numero uno.

It was cool though, I got to read prayers that I had written down to God about other people, yes, but mainly about my life and what my purpose was. It was cute. I was kind of just sitting there all proud of myself I guess. You know, like a parent is proud of their child's scribbly marker art, or even their kid mumbling through giving thanks before a meal. It was cute in a childish way.

Reading through my very first completed journal actually made me realize how far I have come.

I found out through my twenty-five year old eyes that my sixteen year old self was whiney as hell. Like it legitimately bothered me. I was secretly hoping that the ramblings that filled each page were never actually spoken aloud to others before they were written down. Unlikely.

Not only was I completely boy obsessed, which by the way I would love to go back and punch myself in the stomach for being so naive, but I was also very persistent on saying I wanted things to change without actually doing anything to change them.

Lets take my boy crazed self for example. I wrote page after page about my crushes on these guys and talked all about how they probably didn't like me. Not that I actually gave them the chance to. Seeing as I never told any of them. To be honest, I didn't really talk to many of them either. It was more of a silent appreciation from afar. No wonder I used to sign my journal entries as "A Typical Teenager." *cue eye roll*

But here I am now. I'm sure my prayers have improved at least a little bit. I can also honestly say that I feel as though I'm not boy crazy anymore. I actually talk to guys now. Don't worry readers. I've evolved. I'm not a total creeper anymore.

The part that gets me the most I think, is that the concerns I voiced in my journal are still things that concern me today. It almost doesn't feel like a flashback to before my college years.

I literally wrote that I was scared to go through college only to not find a job and have to move home. Which I ended up having to anyways but that isn't the point. My point is that I have been scared to take leaps and bounds because I don't want to end up back at my parent's house. Or back where I started. It feels like ten thousand steps back.

I was trying to figure out my purpose then and here I am now still trying to figure out the things that actually make me happy and aren't just in my life to please someone else.

It hit me that maybe there are certain things that we will always struggle with. Mine is letting go and trusting that things will be taken care of.

I'm basically like the Israelites in the desert when they all forget what God literally just did to get them out of Egypt.

Not letting my fears get in the way of God's plan for my life will be the greatest thing I could ever do.

So this time I don't want to immediately think of the worst case scenario. I want to think of what I truly want and to go for that full force without thinking it will land me back in my old bedroom in my parent's house.

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

Sincerely,

A Typical Adult

Living as though I have a million dollars.

Last year at some point, the camps bookkeeper and I decided that we wanted to buy lottery tickets. One day we were just sitting in the office dreaming up all the things the camp could do if it had the money.

A new lodge building. State of the art kitchen. Real staff housing (which I took a little offense to since I love the Staffhouse). So much more.

We both dreamed of what each of us would do if we had the money. A lot of my things were just normal things, with me being out of debt from my student loans.

So we went out and bought some. We didn't win anything. Obviously.

Then after we stopped talking about it I just let the idea die. And I let some of the dreams die too. Even the ridiculous ones that seemed too far-fetched even if I was rich.

It's been a year and our bookkeeper brought it up that she was going to go buy more tickets. And it put the idea in my head again.

So I went on my own and bought more tickets.

Last night I sat in my room dreaming again. What would I do if I had a million dollars?

And again, I realized that not much was different. The dreams were the same.

I wanted to do music, and be a part of a studio or something along those lines. And a couple of other things. But the main point being I don't actually need a million dollars to do them.

The million dollars is incentive. It's the safety net.

The idea that I can go off and take risks and do whatever I want because at least I'll be taken care of if things don't turn out how I thought.

But why would I wait if it's something I really want to do?

No one is going to drop a million dollars in your lap. For the longest time I thought of the things I would do with a million dollars, but realized I'd actually have to go out and buy a ticket to even get a shot at it.

I  realized that I don't take enough risks. I'm scared of being uncomfortable, and to actually work for something I want. Because I'm scared if it doesn't work out that I'll be running home to my parents house with my tail between my legs.

I'm scared of failure. And this is because of a lack of confidence in myself, and a lack of trust in my God.

Everything about this coming season is up in the air. The camp's lease is up in May and I'm not sure what I'm going to be doing. Where I'm going to live. If I even want to stay in Mammoth if The Station isn't here. It's been a lot to process.

It's been a lot to be overwhelmed about, I should say. And I've let myself get overwhelmed. Because I haven't been trusting God that he's going to take care of me.

I've been walking around only making choices that I know I can control. Which I think is why I ended up in Mammoth in the first place. I wasn't planning on moving here.

I had quit my job to take a position at the camp I grew up at and came to Mammoth to visit a friend. But I think deep down that God knew I would never just up and quit my job to move somewhere I had never been before. I always needed that safety net made by me.

So here I am now. Stuck in this place of wanting to stay but wanting to start the next chapter of my life. Wanting to be around all my close friends, and also wanting new scenery.

Last week I sent out an email out to a woman who works at Bethel. I told her about how much I loved the Bethel Music studio and how I really wanted to work there. And basically just reached out saying I will take anything you have to give me.

I started the email to her never expecting a reply.

Now in a week I will be having a phone interview with her to talk about possible internships. And I have no idea what to do or what to say.

I mean, I'm still kind of committed at the camp. Two of my friends are moving in next week and we have winter camps booked and I'm supposed to be the cook.

But I stopped today and took a second to think about it. I thought about what I really wanted and not what I was just willing to do to avoid causing others any problems.

And I asked myself, "What would I do if I had a million dollars?"

I saw myself going.

Choosing to go and choosing to trust that God will take care of the rest. Because he always has.

It's funny how sometimes it takes forever to truly realize what already have.

And I already have my safety net. Because God will always be there to catch me.

In a way. I've always had my million dollars.

Living for the Future

Have you ever gotten so caught up in plans, and ideas for your future that it just completely consumes everything you are? Lately, I've been so focused on what will be that I don't take a second to look at what is.

Last night our team got some pretty upsetting news. That we most likely will not be here next summer.

Now I believe that God does miracles and I'm all for seeing The Station being one, but I can't not make plans for my future.

Where will I live? What mediocre job will I take to replace the awesome one I have now? How can I still be a part of something bigger that matters?

So many questions swirling around in my brain. So many thoughts.

Thoughts like how much I hate job hunting, and how there really aren't affordable places to rent in Mammoth and I definitely lucked out with what I have.

These questions seem so overwhelming. But in the midst of the chaos in my brain, I took a second to stop and look around.

I somehow halted the perforating thoughts for long enough to breathe and be thankful for the now.

Gazing around our crowded lodge at all the campers and staff, I had this moment. I was grateful.

I was so happy that all these people are here and that I get to be a part of this.

This place was once my bosses dream, and for the past nine years she has been walking it out. She has fought and trudged through way worse things than just being snowed into the staffhouse.

Not only has she chosen to not give up, but she chooses each day to believe that there is something new God wants to show her.

So as I try to slow my mind and tell it the future will come and have worries of its own, I must also look to my King as He tells me "be still and know that I am God."

Know that He has everything covered.

Know that my wildest dreams don't even come close to the plans that He has for me.

And know that as I walk, stumble, fall, freak out, and hope to God my future isn't as hard as it's seeming to be, that He will always love me just as I am.

Here's to living for the future while being completely consumed by the now, and trusting that God will tell me when one becomes the other.