Him

There wasn't really a time where I didn't notice him. We grew up together, but separate.

I admired him when we were kids. His desire to always seek adventure.

He'd end up hurt and try to act like he was fine, like I did.

I usually kept up with him too. Well. Not running. He was too fast.

Too skinny and aerodynamic. But in spirit I kept up with him.

I remember that he was always hyper, always wanted to do something.

I remember playing truth or dare, and wishing that someone would dare him to kiss me.

I remember being disappointed when he was dared to kiss me and he didn't.

I remember him being there when I started falling for the biggest devastation of my life.

I remember wishing that we were closer. That he could see the potential he saw in her, in me.

Sometimes there are people we just notice. People that no matter where you are in your life, if you see them you will stand up straight and hope that they give you the time of day even though you haven't ever really had a good conversation with them.

You wish you were funnier, or more interesting because then maybe he would seem interested when you talked to him.

I was there when it seemed like he was falling away. Wishing that there was something I could do or say to make it better.

It's good though, to see him now. He's doing well. I don't even have to talk to him to see it. Not that I don't want to.

I'm just scared. Like I've always been.

Scared that he won't notice me.

When I've always noticed him.

When I've noticed him grow up into a man. Finally taking charge and growing. Making progress to do and be better, for himself.

He's so calm now. Like me.

We both used to run around playing games and sports and chasing each other.

I remember when he fell and ripped his cargo pants, leaving his bloody knee exposed.

I remember when he got a concussion playing musical chairs. Musical Chairs.

Now, he seems so stoic almost. Calm and collected, like he's trying to keep in everything that's happened to him. Like me.

Maybe one day he'll look at me and see that he can trust me.

I haven't really talked to him in years. But there's still time.

Time to reach out.

Because when I think of the person I've always noticed, it's always been him.

Coffee Shop Revelations

I'm sitting in the Coffee Bean in Claremont Ca, talking to a friend over text. She expressed to me that she had been really tired lately.

But she asked how i was.

I replied "Same. Tired. But i think it's gonna be a good week..."

"haha why.?" she asked me.

"I don't know. I can just feel it."

Lately, i've felt like i've just been racing along trying to get everything done. Yet, though i've been racing around, it's seemed like life has been passing me by, like i haven't taken time to really enjoy where i am, or the people beside me.

Tonight i got the opportunity to go out to this coffee shop with a friend while she did her homework. I had planned on watching a movie on Netflix, like every other night. When we got here, we had conversations about friends, ourselves, and God. It was good conversation and it was much needed friend time.

I think i get so stuck in these little tiny rivets in life that seem like routine but really they are a bit of anti-social/paranoia. I used to be spontaneous, my freshmen year at least. I was in a new place and had made all new friends because i went to a school where i know no one. Well, take freshmen year and add three years and here i am at the beginning of my senior year wondering what i'm going to do with my life and making sure that my schedule is foolproof. I have work, church, classes, and then the extra time is made up of Netflix, sitting in my room on Pinterest, and/or creeping on Facebook.

However, today, i got to leave campus, and i got to hangout with a good friend and have good conversation. So as we sat talking and a silence came into the conversation, i took my opportunity to just ask a random question.

"Jenny" I said, "tell me what to do with my life!"

Okay, not really a question. But it needed an answer nonetheless.

She replied. "Record music."

Okay, check. She said something i love doing.

And then she told me, "disciple people."

Um, what? I sat there puzzled but just blurted out, "Why?"

She went in depth to tell me that i have the temperament, patience, and commitment to disciple people.

It was nice to hear that she thought i was strong enough emotionally and spiritually to be able to do so.

However she also threw in that she thought i was going to be a good mother. Which we made jokes about how i need to just have a baby right now, and then proceeded to jokingly ask a barista. Don't worry, he didn't hear us.

I think that in life, we just need those people you know? We need those people who are going to speak into us, or lovingly correct us, or give us a little guidance when we feel like we have no clue where we are going.

The smallest conversation can spark confidence, or a feeling of purpose.

So, i may be a little bit anti-social, but that will change.

Alright, i may be a little bit shy, and set in my routine, but there is always time to go out for coffee with a friend.

I may not be a very good guitar player, but i've got a voice that deserves to be heard, and a heart that is fully exposed in my songs.

I may have been tired for the past, well, my whole life.

But this week is going to be a good week. I can just feel it.