There Is No End

I've always known that I'm terrible at communication. At least when said communication, is me communicating when things are not okay.

Equalling me confronting someone; a friend, an employee, a parent, etc.

I'm terrible at it because it usually needs to happen after a certain amount of time has passed and the same thing has continued to happen, continued to hurt.

If you know me at all you know that I will go as long as humanly possible taking hits, being teased, being hurt, being upset, well, basically letting people walk all over me, before I say anything.

It sucks because it's not just one person, it's multiple people, it's people that aren't even in my life anymore, it's people that are still very much in my life if not the closest people to me.

It's people that despite our friendship being as long as it is, don't actually know me as well as they should.

They don't understand how truly sensitive I am, or what I've actually been through. Because I haven't trusted enough people to speak it.

I've been cut very deep by the people closest to me and I think it makes it hard to let people in because I don't want them to get that close to end up hurting me. Especially when I see similar tendencies in them as I do in the person that did the initial hurting.

And despite all of the pain someone has caused me, intentional or not, it's still the hardest thing for me to bring it up and tell them what they have done. Like I don't want them to get upset that I'm bringing up what they did to hurt me. Or I don't want them to get defensive and then I stop presenting my side and start defending them instead so they can leave the conversation feeling better than I do.

It's not like I want to do it to hurt them either, I'm doing it so that they will understand and try not to do those things, or say those things. Then by the time I've gotten the courage to say something, I wonder, is it just me? Am I just too sensitive?

It doesn't matter.

People need to know when they are hurting you, and if they are good people, they will try to stop.

I know I'm mainly just saying all this for myself, because I need to be stronger that this.

I need to be stronger than I am.

I am weak. I am scared, and I am untrusting.

I need to be stronger and stand up for myself. If I don't like the way that I am being talked down to, I need to ask politely if they can stop treating me like I'm inferior, or talking to me like I'm stupid.

I am weak. So I can't.

I need to be courageous and believe that my life matters, my opinions matter, my feelings matter, and my need for respect matters.

I am not courageous.

I need to be trusting in my friends. I need to trust my parents. I need to trust coworkers. I need to trust people and believe that they care enough about me to let me speak my mind. I need to trust that one friendship will not fall to pieces if I open up and say that I don't like the way they've been treating me. That it won't fall apart if I tell them what's really happened to me.

I need to trust that people will still love me, despite my wounds, despite my fears, despite my darkness, and despite my past. Even now I need to trust that people I love will read this and not get upset, but understand that there are things I can't say.

But I don't trust.

And there is no end.

Coffee Shop Revelations

I'm sitting in the Coffee Bean in Claremont Ca, talking to a friend over text. She expressed to me that she had been really tired lately.

But she asked how i was.

I replied "Same. Tired. But i think it's gonna be a good week..."

"haha why.?" she asked me.

"I don't know. I can just feel it."

Lately, i've felt like i've just been racing along trying to get everything done. Yet, though i've been racing around, it's seemed like life has been passing me by, like i haven't taken time to really enjoy where i am, or the people beside me.

Tonight i got the opportunity to go out to this coffee shop with a friend while she did her homework. I had planned on watching a movie on Netflix, like every other night. When we got here, we had conversations about friends, ourselves, and God. It was good conversation and it was much needed friend time.

I think i get so stuck in these little tiny rivets in life that seem like routine but really they are a bit of anti-social/paranoia. I used to be spontaneous, my freshmen year at least. I was in a new place and had made all new friends because i went to a school where i know no one. Well, take freshmen year and add three years and here i am at the beginning of my senior year wondering what i'm going to do with my life and making sure that my schedule is foolproof. I have work, church, classes, and then the extra time is made up of Netflix, sitting in my room on Pinterest, and/or creeping on Facebook.

However, today, i got to leave campus, and i got to hangout with a good friend and have good conversation. So as we sat talking and a silence came into the conversation, i took my opportunity to just ask a random question.

"Jenny" I said, "tell me what to do with my life!"

Okay, not really a question. But it needed an answer nonetheless.

She replied. "Record music."

Okay, check. She said something i love doing.

And then she told me, "disciple people."

Um, what? I sat there puzzled but just blurted out, "Why?"

She went in depth to tell me that i have the temperament, patience, and commitment to disciple people.

It was nice to hear that she thought i was strong enough emotionally and spiritually to be able to do so.

However she also threw in that she thought i was going to be a good mother. Which we made jokes about how i need to just have a baby right now, and then proceeded to jokingly ask a barista. Don't worry, he didn't hear us.

I think that in life, we just need those people you know? We need those people who are going to speak into us, or lovingly correct us, or give us a little guidance when we feel like we have no clue where we are going.

The smallest conversation can spark confidence, or a feeling of purpose.

So, i may be a little bit anti-social, but that will change.

Alright, i may be a little bit shy, and set in my routine, but there is always time to go out for coffee with a friend.

I may not be a very good guitar player, but i've got a voice that deserves to be heard, and a heart that is fully exposed in my songs.

I may have been tired for the past, well, my whole life.

But this week is going to be a good week. I can just feel it.