Unshaken

Your river flows further down.

Washing the bank as it goes.

Your river flows further down.

When will it stop? No one knows.

More and more of the bank erodes.

All the dirt, and the grass.

Pulled deep below.

---

Your river flows further down.

I sit and enjoy this glorious sound.

Your river flows further down.

I open my heart, as it surrounds.

No pain, or hurt is left behind.

Not on my heart.

Or in my mind.

---

Your river flows further down.

The dirt inside, rushed away.

Your river flows further down.

The goodness is what's left to stay.

Your river is all that I see.

It's all I want.

You're all I need.

---

Your river flows further down.

Scrapping past this solid ground.

Your river flows further down.

Cleaning all the rocks around.

All that's left is what can't be shaken.

The stones, and the ground,

and my strong foundation.

Unusual Adventure

I'm sitting on top of a storage bin. I'm sitting here because I'm about to watch a meteor shower and a couple of new friends invited me. Climbing up the side of this storage unit was one of the scariest moments of my life.

I thought I was going to fall.

That my body and muscles were going to fail me and I wouldn't make it up.

I pulled with everything within me, in hopes that I would get to the top.

And to my surprise I did.

I made it. Shaking and a bit cold.

But I made it nonetheless.

I think this is what adventure is.

Doing the things that you wouldn't necessarily do before.

Doing things that seem scary, but fulfilling.

Now I know all I did was climb a tiny wall of a storage bin.

But I did it.

And it was the biggest rush that I've had in a long time.

Here's to hoping there's many more adventures to come.

Him

There wasn't really a time where I didn't notice him. We grew up together, but separate.

I admired him when we were kids. His desire to always seek adventure.

He'd end up hurt and try to act like he was fine, like I did.

I usually kept up with him too. Well. Not running. He was too fast.

Too skinny and aerodynamic. But in spirit I kept up with him.

I remember that he was always hyper, always wanted to do something.

I remember playing truth or dare, and wishing that someone would dare him to kiss me.

I remember being disappointed when he was dared to kiss me and he didn't.

I remember him being there when I started falling for the biggest devastation of my life.

I remember wishing that we were closer. That he could see the potential he saw in her, in me.

Sometimes there are people we just notice. People that no matter where you are in your life, if you see them you will stand up straight and hope that they give you the time of day even though you haven't ever really had a good conversation with them.

You wish you were funnier, or more interesting because then maybe he would seem interested when you talked to him.

I was there when it seemed like he was falling away. Wishing that there was something I could do or say to make it better.

It's good though, to see him now. He's doing well. I don't even have to talk to him to see it. Not that I don't want to.

I'm just scared. Like I've always been.

Scared that he won't notice me.

When I've always noticed him.

When I've noticed him grow up into a man. Finally taking charge and growing. Making progress to do and be better, for himself.

He's so calm now. Like me.

We both used to run around playing games and sports and chasing each other.

I remember when he fell and ripped his cargo pants, leaving his bloody knee exposed.

I remember when he got a concussion playing musical chairs. Musical Chairs.

Now, he seems so stoic almost. Calm and collected, like he's trying to keep in everything that's happened to him. Like me.

Maybe one day he'll look at me and see that he can trust me.

I haven't really talked to him in years. But there's still time.

Time to reach out.

Because when I think of the person I've always noticed, it's always been him.

There Is No End

I've always known that I'm terrible at communication. At least when said communication, is me communicating when things are not okay.

Equalling me confronting someone; a friend, an employee, a parent, etc.

I'm terrible at it because it usually needs to happen after a certain amount of time has passed and the same thing has continued to happen, continued to hurt.

If you know me at all you know that I will go as long as humanly possible taking hits, being teased, being hurt, being upset, well, basically letting people walk all over me, before I say anything.

It sucks because it's not just one person, it's multiple people, it's people that aren't even in my life anymore, it's people that are still very much in my life if not the closest people to me.

It's people that despite our friendship being as long as it is, don't actually know me as well as they should.

They don't understand how truly sensitive I am, or what I've actually been through. Because I haven't trusted enough people to speak it.

I've been cut very deep by the people closest to me and I think it makes it hard to let people in because I don't want them to get that close to end up hurting me. Especially when I see similar tendencies in them as I do in the person that did the initial hurting.

And despite all of the pain someone has caused me, intentional or not, it's still the hardest thing for me to bring it up and tell them what they have done. Like I don't want them to get upset that I'm bringing up what they did to hurt me. Or I don't want them to get defensive and then I stop presenting my side and start defending them instead so they can leave the conversation feeling better than I do.

It's not like I want to do it to hurt them either, I'm doing it so that they will understand and try not to do those things, or say those things. Then by the time I've gotten the courage to say something, I wonder, is it just me? Am I just too sensitive?

It doesn't matter.

People need to know when they are hurting you, and if they are good people, they will try to stop.

I know I'm mainly just saying all this for myself, because I need to be stronger that this.

I need to be stronger than I am.

I am weak. I am scared, and I am untrusting.

I need to be stronger and stand up for myself. If I don't like the way that I am being talked down to, I need to ask politely if they can stop treating me like I'm inferior, or talking to me like I'm stupid.

I am weak. So I can't.

I need to be courageous and believe that my life matters, my opinions matter, my feelings matter, and my need for respect matters.

I am not courageous.

I need to be trusting in my friends. I need to trust my parents. I need to trust coworkers. I need to trust people and believe that they care enough about me to let me speak my mind. I need to trust that one friendship will not fall to pieces if I open up and say that I don't like the way they've been treating me. That it won't fall apart if I tell them what's really happened to me.

I need to trust that people will still love me, despite my wounds, despite my fears, despite my darkness, and despite my past. Even now I need to trust that people I love will read this and not get upset, but understand that there are things I can't say.

But I don't trust.

And there is no end.