I was talking with one of my best friends today. Mainly just about feelings of obligation, and guilt.
Two things that shouldn't apply to friendships.
I have the opportunity to attend a young adult event tonight at 6pm, at one of my previous friends house.
I say previous, because I feel as though those two words have begun to describe our friendship. At least on my side.
The moment I left for school, ish basically hit the fan for this friend.
His life kind of got really hard, and he was depressed all the time and calling me needing encouragement.
Which as the INFP that I am, I did the best I could and immediately started to feed the changing friendship that would later be labeled as codependent.
When I would come home to visit, they would always want to hangout and I would say yes, and then later feel like I had to and would make up excuses not to go. He began to think I was a flake, which I kind of was, purposefully.
But hanging out with this person was starting to feel like a chore, an obligation, and I would feel guilted into it.
I am in no place to try and fix anyone, I can barely take care of myself. But I felt as though I needed to go because he didn't have anyone else.
I am always so caught up in what my actions are going to do to other people, that I, most of the time, live for others rather than myself.
If I could possibly hurt someone in some way by my actions, I will try everything else no matter what the inconvenience to me.
I want to live my life. You know?
I want to live and breathe honesty, and have healthy relationships.
I want to have friendships that aren't ridden with obligation.
So do I go? I'm finally free from that friendship. I've gone a good amount of time without feeling guilted into it.
Do I go and risk getting into it again?
I know that Jesus wants us to love everyone, and I am trying my best. But can I love from afar?
I think it's fair to do so.
I think that I truly want the best for this person, but I also want what's best for me, and right now that's taking care of myself.
Letting God fix my heart and help me have boundaries.
I need healing from this relationship.
Friendships are never easy. There are always ups and downs. But mostly, there is give and take. And for the past four years I feel that all this friendship has been is take.
What do I do?
Lord help me...