Living as though I have a million dollars.

Last year at some point, the camps bookkeeper and I decided that we wanted to buy lottery tickets. One day we were just sitting in the office dreaming up all the things the camp could do if it had the money.

A new lodge building. State of the art kitchen. Real staff housing (which I took a little offense to since I love the Staffhouse). So much more.

We both dreamed of what each of us would do if we had the money. A lot of my things were just normal things, with me being out of debt from my student loans.

So we went out and bought some. We didn't win anything. Obviously.

Then after we stopped talking about it I just let the idea die. And I let some of the dreams die too. Even the ridiculous ones that seemed too far-fetched even if I was rich.

It's been a year and our bookkeeper brought it up that she was going to go buy more tickets. And it put the idea in my head again.

So I went on my own and bought more tickets.

Last night I sat in my room dreaming again. What would I do if I had a million dollars?

And again, I realized that not much was different. The dreams were the same.

I wanted to do music, and be a part of a studio or something along those lines. And a couple of other things. But the main point being I don't actually need a million dollars to do them.

The million dollars is incentive. It's the safety net.

The idea that I can go off and take risks and do whatever I want because at least I'll be taken care of if things don't turn out how I thought.

But why would I wait if it's something I really want to do?

No one is going to drop a million dollars in your lap. For the longest time I thought of the things I would do with a million dollars, but realized I'd actually have to go out and buy a ticket to even get a shot at it.

I  realized that I don't take enough risks. I'm scared of being uncomfortable, and to actually work for something I want. Because I'm scared if it doesn't work out that I'll be running home to my parents house with my tail between my legs.

I'm scared of failure. And this is because of a lack of confidence in myself, and a lack of trust in my God.

Everything about this coming season is up in the air. The camp's lease is up in May and I'm not sure what I'm going to be doing. Where I'm going to live. If I even want to stay in Mammoth if The Station isn't here. It's been a lot to process.

It's been a lot to be overwhelmed about, I should say. And I've let myself get overwhelmed. Because I haven't been trusting God that he's going to take care of me.

I've been walking around only making choices that I know I can control. Which I think is why I ended up in Mammoth in the first place. I wasn't planning on moving here.

I had quit my job to take a position at the camp I grew up at and came to Mammoth to visit a friend. But I think deep down that God knew I would never just up and quit my job to move somewhere I had never been before. I always needed that safety net made by me.

So here I am now. Stuck in this place of wanting to stay but wanting to start the next chapter of my life. Wanting to be around all my close friends, and also wanting new scenery.

Last week I sent out an email out to a woman who works at Bethel. I told her about how much I loved the Bethel Music studio and how I really wanted to work there. And basically just reached out saying I will take anything you have to give me.

I started the email to her never expecting a reply.

Now in a week I will be having a phone interview with her to talk about possible internships. And I have no idea what to do or what to say.

I mean, I'm still kind of committed at the camp. Two of my friends are moving in next week and we have winter camps booked and I'm supposed to be the cook.

But I stopped today and took a second to think about it. I thought about what I really wanted and not what I was just willing to do to avoid causing others any problems.

And I asked myself, "What would I do if I had a million dollars?"

I saw myself going.

Choosing to go and choosing to trust that God will take care of the rest. Because he always has.

It's funny how sometimes it takes forever to truly realize what already have.

And I already have my safety net. Because God will always be there to catch me.

In a way. I've always had my million dollars.

In My Own Head

Two Weeks ago I wrote a blog post about getting to know people and it being extremely hard for me to say goodbye to those people. Last night I had a bit of an emotional episode.

This summer, friends have come back to work at The Station. People that I truly care about and quite honestly I feel as though I was just holding my breath waiting for them to come back.

For some reason I have allowed this future goodbye make me fall apart.

At every point where I am shut out or cut off from community and hanging out with people I feel a little twinge in my heart. Another opportunity to grow closer, missed.

I think that because I decided to open my heart to people and get to know them, my heart feels extremely exposed. It's like I went from feeling scared to open up, to being scared that I'm not opening up enough and I'm going to say goodbye to these amazing individuals again and it's going to ruin me.

I got in my head.

I allowed my mind to tell me that there isn't enough time.

I've allowed my own season coming to an end make me feel as though everything is.

It's as though I spoke out that I wanted to open up to people and get to know them even if goodbyes are hard, and then I'm faced with another huge goodbye that is going to suck.

A goodbye to friends. A goodbye to summer. A possible last summer at The Station. And a possible last summer in Mammoth. A possible goodbye to my home.

But if I start breaking down now, I can't have my last experience.

I can't live in the moment if I'm thinking of the last one we'll have.

So I need to stop.

Somehow.

I need to stop getting into my own head.

Hard Goodbyes

A couple of weeks ago, we had a ministry meeting at the camp. This meeting included the two staff members, the three guys living with us, and my boss and her family.

It was an amazing time of our fearless leader opening up about her crazy awesome testimony to three guys who don't necessarily believe in God.

Once the sharing time was over, she had us all go around in a circle and say what we liked about each other. (Undercover prophetic words if you will).

When it came to my turn for everyone to tell me what they liked about me, it was all good stuff, but there was one thing that stayed on my heart and mind. There was a lot said about how people wished I had opened up more.

I brushed it off that night, but a couple of days later I brought it up to my friend Rachel. "I didn't realize that I was so closed off..." In a moment of full vulnerability and letting go of previously conceived thoughts about myself, I allowed my friend to speak words into my life.

There were a lot of tears, and a lot of things that were brought up that stung, but in the end I had gotten down to what the issue was.

I had been so conditioned by words, and judgment from my childhood, that I expected everyone I met to have judged me before I even spoke, and decide that I wasn't good enough. This is why when I meet people I don't necessarily open up right away, or sometimes even talk. I've been so scared of what people are going to think of me. I have hesitated with friendships or conversations because of a false judgment I put on myself.

"Oh well they'll think this..."

"They probably think that I'm..."

"They are too cool to talk to me..."

I doubt myself. I have lacked this confidence in who I am, since I was a little girl being called names on the playground.

So it shouldn't have been a surprise to me that these new guys felt as though I wasn't opening up. It's because I wasn't. I was hiding. I didn't want them to see me because I was scared the real me wasn't good enough.

After this conversation, I made a decision. I was going to open up to them, even if it was utterly terrifying.

And because of this I had an amazing last week and a half with them.

I even offered to drive them to San Francisco. I made a nine hour road trip with three guys I had only known a month, two of which didn't speak much english.

One of them actually became a huge encourager to me. He was honestly the hardest one to say goodbye to.

I hugged them all and I drove home.

As I drove, I started crying. These three guys had become part of a family in our house. Always there. Always joking around. I already missed them.

It was such a hard goodbye.

And yet, the only thing that I regret, was not opening up to them sooner.

Girl In The Meadow

Awhile back I changed the name of my blog from "A Doubting Girl" to "Girl In the Meadow." I'm not sure if many people noticed this, or even really cared, but it happened. And here's why.

For most of my life, I doubted myself. In almost every single thing that I did. This is why I called my first real blog "A Doubting Girl" because it was the truth, and partially because it seemed dramatic and a little edgy.

I started my blog at a time in my life where I was still figuring out who I was, and now that I know who I am, I want my blog name to reflect that.

Now I could have gone with Daughter something or other, because that is how I walk out my life now (Daughter of God), but I didn't. Instead, I looked back on a picture that God showed me of myself as a little girl standing in a field with arms stretched wide and flowers in my hand. A picture of me coming to God as a child with childlike faith and just embracing the beauty of where I was at. This is where I want to always stay. Just standing in awe of God with the faith to keep walking out life as His daughter.

So. Girl in The Meadow.

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about being believed in. In that post I shared that I have started making stencils and using spray paint to make awesome pieces of wall art. Whether it be with canvas or burlap, I have so much fun making them. So I decided to start my own Etsy shop to hopefully sell them on. I just put up two different items that I just made and I'm super stoked. It's a very small step to get where I want to be, but I'm hoping that this will take off. My Etsy shop is called GirlintheMeadow.

If you feel like you want to take a gander, my link is below. I've also attached a few pictures to give you a feel for what I do. If you want something custom you can also send me a message on here or email michellewheelus@gmail.com and I can give you a quote for a custom design and a time frame. Thanks!

My Etsy Shop

The Replacements

Yesterday the replacement moved in. Harsh sure, but it's how I've been feeling.

Ironically enough, the replaced was once the replacer as well.

I had this realization today that sometimes you just have those people that aren't permanent.

Sometimes we go through life and someone comes along and it's fleeting, but it's wonderful.

They make you laugh, and they become the person you want to be around as often as possible. This can go both ways. It can be platonic, and it could also be a case for the hopeful romantics.

For me it's usually the latter.

Usually I meet someone, and I get to know them and for a good few weeks it feels like it may be developing into something more. Something that could last.

Being that I live in a seasonal town, and up until now a seasonal mindset, it never lasts.

People leave, people drift away, and people break your heart.

You go through a time where you wonder why? Why did I get so close to this person that I knew would leave, or I knew it wouldn't work, or I knew wasn't the right person.

I've also been in the place where I ask God why. Why was I allowed to fall in love with these humans. Why did God put such amazing people in my path that were just going to end up leaving.

I still don't have an answer, but I know that eventually it gets better. Eventually the pain of someone gone goes away, and then the space in your life is filled with someone new. Sometimes if you're lucky, they worm their way into your heart.

Yesterday the replacement moved in.

I've heard great things.

I've heard and seen that he's cute.

I've heard he is super sweet.

And I know that this isn't his fault. But i'm upset.

He's here instead of  you.

Get The Hell Out

Recently a lot of stuff has been happening. By recently I mean, basically this whole fall into winter.

This past fall season, I took on more responsibilities at The Station.

Two new employees moved into the staff house and both were coincidentally in first year at the school of ministry.

Things seemed to be going good. Not too many hiccups.

Then Christmas break came. And all hell broke loose.

It seemed as though both of these people began making choices that didn't reflect a Godly lifestyle. 

If you know me at all, you know that I am not a very vocal person when it comes to my opinion or when I disagree with someone.

So all I did was sit back, and listen, and watch them break the camp rules.

I listened to the struggles. I listened to them both tell me that they didn't really get why there were such rules, and how they wanted to keep living in those lifestyles. Because they chose to keep living in those lifestyles, they ended up getting asked to leave The Station.

Eventually, the school of ministry pulled the plug on first year for them.

As all this is going on, I feel like I'm barely holding on to my sanity. Two people, that yes were making bad decisions, but I still shared life with were getting kicked out, or having the floor fall out from underneath them because the school was everything to them.

So I listened more. Still listening even though I had crap of my own that I was dealing with.

I got a dog. Wasn't ready. Took it back. Tried not to fall apart. Was pretty okay. Turned 25. Had a good day. Endured the worst winter I've ever imagined. Became one of the only employees at the camp besides the director. Wanted to quit my other job. Didn't quit my other job. Still want to quit my other job. Trying to find traction in my relationship with God. Hoping that I'm being stable enough for people to count on. Got sick. Fell apart on my boss. Had a mini breakdown. Hoped that it would go away on it's own. Feeling the weight of everything build up until I couldn't take it anymore. I needed help. Prayed that God would restore my joy. God restored my joy. Someone asked me what was wrong. Started feeling like something was actually wrong when I thought I was fine.

So much has been going on in my life, and I'm still trying to find out how to process it all.

I think that there are so many lies that I keep letting into my heart, and then I keep believing them.

So here is goes. I'm going to speak truth.

It was not my fault. I did not make them make those choices.

I am strong enough to hold down the fort, despite everyone else around me falling apart and making stupid decisions.

I am stable. You can be stable and still sometimes need to cry. It's totally normal and a part of life.

I am steadfast. I can be trusted. I can be there for people. I can be counted on.

I am beautiful. I am wanted. I am home for people. I have a mothers heart. I am a daughter of the king. I am a warrior.

So here's what I say to all the lies.

The doubts. The anxiety. The depression. The fear. The second guessing myself. The little tiny things that sneak into my mind and make me feel like I'm not good enough just as I am.

Get the hell out.

This Is It. This Is How It Ends.

Tomorrow is the day that I have been waiting for. I graduate from the Mammoth Lakes School of Supernatural Ministry. It's been seven months I believe and so much has happened.

I can honestly say that I have grown more this year than I did in four years of bible college.

I have made relationships that I know will last beyond this season and I have gained a family in Lighthouse Church.

Though I am very happy to be graduating, there are many things that make it a little bittersweet.

Yes. Tomorrow I graduate. Again.

But the day after, I have to say goodbye to some of my best friends in the world.

The friends that were here when all of the growth was happening. The ones that saw me start to believe in myself and become more bold and confident. And more importantly, the ones who called it out of me.

If they don't know that they had the biggest impact on me in this season then they are insane. Never have I lived in a community that loved this hard.

This community includes the people who encourage you, that push you, that make you feel safe. They are the people that help restore and build up. They are the people that will hold you when you know you are being completely ridiculous and yet you are still crying all over their sweater. The people that love you too much to let you sit and wallow past the point of what is socially acceptable.

It's always amazing to be able to sit in a classroom and learn things that change your life. But this place has become so much more than that. I get to be a part of something so much bigger than just a school.

I get to be a part of a huge family that spans over nations. I get to travel all the way to Switzerland and immediately feel like I'm at home. I get to finally dream for things in the future that I know are completely possible and are most likely, sorry, most definitely going to happen.

Here in this place I started to dream again. I started to believe in myself again. I've started calling the gold out of myself. I have joy and I have strength and I am bold.

So as I say goodbye to this season, I get to look forward with the knowledge that I have this family behind me. I get to transition into something new and know that I am supported and I have full confidence that I will always have those people in my life.

The ones that love you enough to encourage you to be who God made you to be.

Switzerland: Day 12

Today. The last day of our trip before we travel home. We got to attend Lighthouse in Laax and our MLSSM team prophesied over the whole group.

Every single person left with a word. And I personally left feeling encouraged by giving words.

We end tonight, a bit tired and still processing our whole trip.

Tomorrow will hold a bus ride, a long train ride, another train ride, and then we make our way home on Swiss airlines.

I can't believe that for my first time off the continent I got to go I Switzerland.

I still feel so amazingly blessed, and even though I'm very homesick and excited to make my way back, I'll have memories here that I won't forget.

I won't ever forget my wonderful team: Amanda, Abi, Forrest, Patti, Jamie, Natalie & little Hudson.

Switzerland: Day 11

Laax is WONDERFUL!!!

Seriously. From the minute Amanda and I sat on the balcony of our temporary home we've been in love.

This little town is one of the most beautiful places I've ever been. The mountains are just crazy and the open land somewhat reminds me of home.

This part of the trip is where I got to meet all the people I heard so much about from people at home. They are all incredibly wonderful.

We went to lunch and then hiked down to a lake where I took so many pictures and Amanda waded in the water and accidentally cut her heal.

On our hike back up we found a cool tire swing.

Amanda and Abi had a lot of fun on that one.

After making our way back up and out we went to the market and made dinner for the leaders of the Laax Lighthouse.

To end the night we encouraged them and prophesied over them.

Today is day 12 and our last full day in Switzerland. Tomorrow morning we'll be heading back to Zürich to fly home. I don't know how much time I'll have to write a blog post for today, but I know that a lot is going to happen at our Lighthouse church meeting tonight at The Livingroom coffee shop.

Switzerland has been truly amazing, and even though I'm home sick, I am going to be very sad to leave.

Switzerland: Day 10

After a fun night watching Skyfall with the YWAM students yesterday, today seemed a bit sad having to say goodbye after finally connecting with some of the students. We packed up our things and had a last horrah in town. We rode the bus for probably an hour just to see where it went. It was actually amazing getting to spend that time just to go around the town.

Church was at 5pm and it was awesome. We got to give people words and encourage the whole church. And even pray for YWAM students.

By the time we got back to the YWAM base, everyone was starving. The soup was amazing and I had three rolls with it. Never ashamed.

About a hundred sad goodbyes later and we were on our way to Laax. Two hours later and we are all in bed ready to face tomorrow. Which will consist of sleeping in, maybe jumping in the indoor sauna and then meeting the Laax Lighthouse team tomorrow night.

The trip is quickly coming to an end, but I am so excited to get to know more of our Lighthouse family.

Switzerland: Days 8&9

So yesterday was day 8 and today is day 9.Because we've had somewhat of a break from commitments and we've been able to just hangout I thought I'd combine these two days. So yesterday we got to sit in on the YWAM students last class of the week as they got to watch the videos of the prophetic words they were given from people in Mammoth.

We headed into town after lunch and ended up at a bookstore that also sold Swiss Army Knives. So naturally I had to buy two for my parents and one for myself. And a journal. And another gift for my mom. Once we were back at the YWAM base Abi and I tried to download a movie but couldn't. So we both just laid down. She fell asleep and I journaled about personal issues that I will be returning to when I get back to Mammoth. A good time of crying out to God and asking for answers, followed by pulled pork sandwiches for dinner. What else could put me back in a good mood.

Also!!! My Swiss Army Knife has tweezers in it!!! How cool is that? So needless to say my eyebrows are on point today.

This morning we got to sleep in because breakfast was later. And I really needed the sleep. Abi and I got to come into town with Natalie and Hudson and go to the store. Where I bought pounds of chocolate for everyone at home.

We ended up back at the bookstore where I used my self control and didn't buy anything else.

And now we are back at Kaffee Klatsch for the third day in a row and I'm downloading The Night Before for us to watch when we get back to the base.

It's been a nice couple of days to relax, but Abi and I are both eager to head to Laax on Sunday night.

Switzerland: Day 7

Our second day in Davos was pretty laid back. Abi and I woke up after breakfast because we stayed up pretty late, but we had orange juice and apples in our room and that was sufficient enough for breakfast.

Then we headed to the YWAMs class where they recapped all that happened last night. Students had stories about prophesying over strangers and getting to encourage people.

Hearing their stories was truly amazing because a lot of them lined up with the MLSSM students stories.

Abi and I had given words to this teenage boy who Amanda and a YWAM girl Felicia had gotten to encourage. Then I found out that another student Max had given the same word to one of the girls I had walked up to and given a word to.

It was all just so amazing.

After lunch the MLSSM team headed into town to one of Jamie's favorite coffee shops. Amazing. The food was great and the coffee was even better.

Following that we went to a designer store called Freitag where literally everything sold there is made out of the tarps that go on the side of the semi truck trailers. It sounded a little weird to me at first too, but it was so awesome. Though sadly too expensive.

We made our way home and arrived almost right in time for dinner and then had a night of worship.

The night of worship was the perfect end to a pretty perfect day. But now onto the next.

Switzerland: Day 6

Davos called and we went. Today we arrived in Davos after a couple hours of train rides. Tired and a little hungry we showed up to the YWAM base where we were welcomed by the wonderful students and staff.

We mentally prepared ourselves for the Wednesday night service and then went down to dinner. We had risotto and yes it was awesome.

Then I had about half a pound of chocolate.

We met downstairs for the service and they began with worship and then Natalie spoke and Reto translated.

The service consisted of Natalie speaking and the team encouraging the congregation, some of which might not have believed in God.

The whole MLSSM team went up and gave encouraging words to individuals as well as the whole group.

Finally I decided to speak up and encourage them about seeking God and finding him.

Jeremiah 29:13 has been one of my favorite life verses for years and I'm glad everytime I get to share it.

Afterwards a girl came up to me and gave me a word about myself and how God made me. Cue the emotions.

I finally convinced myself, after I got myself together, that I would try to go and pray for the girls in the back row who Forest pointed out hadn't been prayed for yet.

If you know me at all, you know that I've been basically terrified to talk to strangers and pray for them, even when I'm not by myself. And this time I was.

So I went, and it was a bit awkward, but I told them that God thought they were beautiful and amazing and that he loved them very much. They said thank you politely and I added that I wanted to see if they needed prayer for anything. They said no. So I persisted a little further and asked them to write their names in my phone and I could pray for them later. Thankfully they did and it wasn't super awkward after. I thanked them and left, which in all honesty I'm more glad that I went instead of regretting it later.

So it's almost time to go to bed and Abi and I make our way to the door. A girl who Abi had given a word to earlier stopped me and told me she (also) got a word for me when I was standing at the front.

She got the word rockstar. She told me that she didn't know if I liked music or singing or anything but that I should be on a stage. That I should be up there on a stage as much as possible. And then I started really tearing up.

I felt so blessed, which was ironic because we came here to bless them. It just proves to show that God wants to give us more and more.

Today was only the first day in Davos and I already felt truly blessed and at home again in a new place.

My prayer for tonight will be that God will make us feel completely at home with these people and that we can love on them and become family with them like the last two places we spent our time.

Amen

Switzerland: Day 5

Today was the day of all days, but sadly enough our last full day in Zürich. We started off by staying up way too late last night and getting out of bed at 11am.

Once we had all had breakfast and were ready, we left the house to head to the river and do a prophetic act. We declared Psalms 46 over the city then we made our way onto what we all wanted to do in the city.

Mainly it consisted of finding souvenirs for our family or friends, but we did end up stopping for an amazing lunch of fondue and dessert.

Amanda had the desire to go over to the art house and to be completely honest at first I wasn't sure how I felt about it, but the minute the three of us (Amanda, Abi, and I) walked in it was like walking into a movie where someone is giving their date a tour of the museum themselves and showing them all their favorite pieces. The art was amazing but it was almost more awesome just to listen to a good friend describe her favorite artists and paintings.

We started to run out of time and had to leave to go catch the bus to take us to the train station where we would be meeting the rest of the team. Except that the bus didn't show up on time and it didn't seem that it would be showing up at all. So we began to walk, quickly.

As it was raining outside, we showed up to the train station 8 minutes late and basically soaking. Oh if only glasses had windshield wipers on them.

After a quick stop at a chocolate shop and a tiny sugar coma later, we were on our way to a small group meeting where we had the amazing opportunity to be able to speak life into the leaders.

This day was the best possible day to be our last. Friends chatting about which Swiss boy they should marry and who would be the flower girls at our triple wedding. Chocolate consumption beyond all chocolate consumptions. Pounds of cheese and bread. And feeling the presence of God within every minute of it.

Zürich has been the most amazing experience and I'm sad to leave, but there is such a peace in my heart that I will make my way back here someday. And I don't mean next week when we fly out of Zürich airport to go home.

Switzerland: Day 4

Yesterday was our forth day in Switzerland and our second day in Zürich. We began our day with breakfast and coffee and then headed out with a wonderful new friend/tour guide.

We took trains and trams and explored the city of Zürich with someone who knew exactly where we were going.

We prayed over the city and over people and expected that God would show up and move.

After being joined by another friend, he took us on a tiny historic tour of Christianity through the city. We learned so much about how Christianity began In the city and even just how Switzerland was established.

We took the time to pray over businesses, and the local skatepark, but we also got to stop at a bakery and get some amazing treats.

Getting home was probably the least exciting part of the day, except for that we got to opportunity to pray for and encourage the ICF small group that was being held where we were staying.

It's truly amazing to discover new people and realize that the world is so much bigger than the small town of Mammoth that we all travelled from.

Every single person I have met so far has felt like family. I feel comfortable with them and again the gatherings just feel like family get togethers that nobody wants to leave.

Unfortunately today is our last day in Zürich and tomorrow we make our way to Davos. Even though we don't have much planned for the day I know that God is going to show up in extraordinary ways.

Switzerland: Day 2

Today started with Abi and I being awake at 4:30 in the morning. Or 7:30pm California time. Finally I fell back asleep and then woke up confused at 10:45am.

After we all raced to get ready, we made our way down to the same house we had Raclette at (about a five minute walk) last night.

We had an amazing breakfast, at 12pm. Homemade Swiss bread and a bunch of other wonderful things, including more amazing cheese.

At 2pm Abi and I were crashing a bit on the couch waiting for us to start our staff meeting. Though we made it through, it was somewhat difficult when the couch was so comfortable.

Finally at 4:30 we were in a living room packed full of the Switzerland Lighthouse members.

The whole MLSSM team got a chance to share encouraging words and maybe even testimonies that we had that would be encouraging to them. Patti even got to welcome the new Lighthouse to the family with a lighthouse figurine.

I personally had a wonderful time hanging out with all of our Lighthouse family. I got to pray for a wonderful woman that I had never met before, and the whole night just felt like one of those family gatherings that you don't want to leave because you all just love hanging out with each other.

Our last night in Uster is going to be a little bittersweet.

I've had a wonderful time with the people we are staying with and the people who most generously provided us with our last three meals. But tomorrow we head to Zürich to stop at our next temporary home and I'm sure get to have even more amazing food.

Tonight was a whirlwind of being with a family that I had never met before, and it was wonderful feeling like I was a part of something. Something amazing.

My Orphan Heart Has Found Its Home

Attending the Mammoth Lakes School of Supernatural Ministry has probably been the hardest step that I have ever had to take, but by far the best. Our current reading assignment is "Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship" by Jack Frost.

I hadn't started reading the book until this evening, and I'm somewhat glad that I didn't.

Last week, I got into an accident in the snow. My first time taking on icy roads obviously didn't turn out well. But my friend/fellow student and I were perfectly fine and no other cars were involved.

With that said, it's been a tough week.

I have had car troubles in the past, many times, and every single time it's felt like one of my limbs has been ripped off and I'm left grasping for what the heck I'm going to do.

This week has been difficult in the fact that I've started training in a new job, and I have school every day. It doesn't help that I can't necessarily walk because it's always freezing outside and there's snow everywhere.

Everyday since my car accident last Monday, I have needed to get a ride from someone. Whether it be my roommate, classmate, coworker, etc. But I have had one of the hardest times asking for help.

I grew up feeling somewhat alone a lot so I became kind of dependent on myself. You could probably ask anybody, but I'm just an independent person. I'm the one that likes to volunteer to drive and I never enjoy feeling stuck because I'm waiting on somebody else.

Just this morning I opened up to my boss about the whole situation and how I was chomping at the bit for my car to get fixed and I could drive myself again. I told her that I felt that God was working in my life even when it felt like nothing good could be happening right now. I have never really felt okay asking for help. I've always told myself that I didn't want to be a burden, and because of that I never asked, I try to stay out of the way and I don't draw attention to myself.

So because I have to keep depending on people and asking for rides and even asking for food from my roommates, I feel that insecurity rising up in me. I feel like at any second one of them is going to express annoyance at my not being able to take care of myself. As that insecurity came rising up, I felt God whispering to me "you are a blessing, not a burden."

I made this revelation this morning, and then I cracked open this book.

Jack Frost talks about how all of us are born with "orphan hearts" that reject parental authority and seek to do everything their own way. Sometimes we are raised and our parents unintentionally (sometimes not) hurt or reject us, and because of that we view God's love that way and don't want to see ourselves as His son or daughter.

If I didn't already associate with this, I did when I found this passage (bare with me):

When wanting to cast out an orphan heart, remember that you can displace it only by introducing it to a loving Father. Even then, an orphan heart must choose to embrace the spirit of sonship by willingly becoming interdependent in relationships and embracing God's community of love. This is not a once-and-for-all choice. You choose sonship over and over because orphan thinking doesn't surrender easily, and it often comes back and tries to assert its influence once again. The orphan spirit tries constantly to weaken our families, relationships, and the nations by deceiving us into becoming subject to our own mission rather than living life to experience God's love and to give it away.

We are called to live in interdependent relationships and embrace God's community of love.

I have lived my life independently because it seemed easier. It seemed that if I took care of myself and did my own thing I wouldn't get hurt. I never allowed myself to belong because it was too big of a risk.

"I am a blessing, not a burden."

Here I am, living in a house with another girl and three boys and I feel at home, for probably the first time in my life.

I have a family that doesn't see me as a burden, not that I felt my real family thought that, but this is the place where I finally believe that I'm not.

I am not a burden. I am not an orphan.

God's love has become so real to me in the past month, but even more so in the past ten minutes of reading this book.

I am a daughter of the king. I accept my spiritual "sonship" and I choose God's will instead of my own independent ways.

I was born with an orphan heart.

But now my orphan heart has found its home.

Not Afraid.

On July 12th, I set out to Mammoth Lakes, CA to begin a road trip with my friend. This probably seems normal to everyone who knew I was leaving on a road trip, but only a handful of people know that I left a day early. I left early because life in Hollister just became too much.

Family drama. Falling into old habits. Anxiety that got so bad it drove me to suicidal thoughts. Well. One. It would be easier if I wasn't here.

Even as I right this, I'm tearing up at remembering how helpless and sick I felt being there.

I couldn't stand up for myself.

I wasn't doing anything I loved.

I wasn't healthy. I was being enabled. And codependent.

If you want to see someone get truly depressed, just put them in a place they don't like, doing something they don't love, and have them completely isolated from any meaningful relationships.

That was me.

So when I arrived at the wonderful camp that is The Station, it felt like an immediate 180.

I came here for three days before we left on our trip and volunteered in the kitchen.

Something as simple as setting up tables made me feel like I was doing something meaningful again.

I felt like there was purpose again.

And instead of getting anxiety for thinking nothing was ever going to happen for me, I got nervous because I knew it was going to.

So I stayed.

---

This weekend I had the opportunity to go home to Hollister.

The city that it probably seems like I just disappeared from.

I went to a going away party for a couple that I've known since highschool and beyond.

Our pastor encouraged them with words about their future, and how no matter what happens they shouldn't be afraid because God will always be by their side.

Almost everything that was said in encouragement for them, I felt as though God was whispering it to me.

That he was telling me that life is going to be okay.

Life isn't going to be easy by a long shot, but it's all going to be okay. And that I needn't be scared.

---

That night brought so much healing for me.

I got to hug those that I thought might have been hurt by me just up and leaving.

I got to pray for friends, and joke with acquaintances.

I got to actually, for once in my life, tell people that I've been happy. I didn't have to say "I've been okay." or "Things are fine."

I told people what I've been up to and it wasn't as excruciating as it usually is.

I went in with anxiety, scared that I would be shunned, or made to feel bad about my choices.

I left feeling encouraged. My family in Hollister still loves me, and to be honest my insecurities were the only thing to make me believe anything else.

I left that night knowing that I shouldn't be afraid for my future. I'm going to make mistakes, and I'm going to stumble.

Probably a lot.

But God says it'll be okay.

---

Now I can think of myself charging forward into my future with God by my side.

And I'm not afraid.

Unusual Adventure

I'm sitting on top of a storage bin. I'm sitting here because I'm about to watch a meteor shower and a couple of new friends invited me. Climbing up the side of this storage unit was one of the scariest moments of my life.

I thought I was going to fall.

That my body and muscles were going to fail me and I wouldn't make it up.

I pulled with everything within me, in hopes that I would get to the top.

And to my surprise I did.

I made it. Shaking and a bit cold.

But I made it nonetheless.

I think this is what adventure is.

Doing the things that you wouldn't necessarily do before.

Doing things that seem scary, but fulfilling.

Now I know all I did was climb a tiny wall of a storage bin.

But I did it.

And it was the biggest rush that I've had in a long time.

Here's to hoping there's many more adventures to come.

Deja Vu

We all have those moments. Where we see something that we think we've already seen before.

We hear words that sound exactly like they did once before, when we heard them the first time.

I remember one time I had deja vu so bad, that I honesty believed that I had dreamt the situation before. No one could convince me that it hadn't happened at some point.

Today I took the time to put my stuff away in my new home.

I filled my dresser and made my bed while I listened to The Classic Crime on my record player.

Somehow everything found it's place. Everything seemed to fit perfectly into this tiny little space that was going to be my new home.

I looked over at my records stacked against my bed and it happened. Deja Vu. I sat there wondering where I had seen it all before and then I stopped.

It hadn't happened before. I knew that. I know that.

But for some reason, as I put my last book in it's place the deja vu gave me this weird feeling.

I stared down at my stack of records and this overwhelming feeling of peace came over me.

Almost as if I was finally where I was supposed to be.

I have found myself in this place where I am challenged. I am pushed further and further outside of my comfort zone everyday.

And you know what, I kind of love it.

I love the people. I love this place. I love the new adventures. And I love the future here.

The future that will consist of God pulling apart my life and putting it back together with only the important stuff.

The things that I've limited myself in, I will excel in.

The things I've told myself I've hated for so long will now be the things that intrigue me.

I sit here staring at my new home, with the amazing feeling that finally the things I've dreamed of before are coming into reality.

So maybe I haven't seen this all before and it actually was deja vu.

But I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am in the right place.