The Hello and The In Between

When it all comes down to it, I guess the person I'm mad at the most is myself. I let my mind, and more stupidly my heart, go there. I checked onto a train going the opposite direction and left them to fend for themselves in the midst of your being.

I wrote off all reason and logic and let my heart really go with it.

I let my mind run with all the encouragements from outer sources, that the feelings of which my heart was taking on could be reciprocated.

I let my mind be changed by positive feedback.

I let my life be turned upside down by your heart.

I let everything that I held dear become nothing compared to being able to spend time with you and make memories that I would have years after you leave.

Stupidly, I allowed myself to really fall for you. Heart and mind.

So here I am. Opening at the coffeeshop after a night filled to the brim with tears and goodbye letters and hope that in some alternative universe you have feelings for me too and it would somehow all work out.

At least five thousand unlikely scenarios race through my mind as I think of the day I say goodbye to you and hand you the letter.

The one I luckily wrote on my phone first rather than paper, otherwise my tears would have made it unreadable.

I think of the best possible scenarios and those still don't seem to be good enough to will you to stay, or me decide to abandon any previous reservations from our differences in values.

It's crazy though, because I have seen it. I've seen the alternative universe. The one where our values collide. The one where you're passionate, but not about the same things.

There was this hope in your voice. This hope that something greater could and would answer your prayers.

I saw the fire around your heart as you prayed. It was new and fragile but as you prayed it grew. It grew and took over your whole body in some amazing fashion that was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

I saw you sitting in front of us all, asking God to be there with us. Asking God things I'm sure you've never asked him before.

Then I could see how your heart, paired with Christ's, was going to change the world like nothing anybody could have ever imagined.

Somewhere I read that it's okay to love someone who doesn't love you back, as long as they are worthy of it. As long as they deserve it.

You do.

I've got to be honest, I don't think we could find anyone who doesn't love you.

That's what makes it so hard. You make it really really...REALLY difficult to not love you.

I feel like you would have to try with such vigor to get me to not love you.

I know that it's different this time. I don't see you on this pedestal. I haven't lifted you up to something that you're not. I haven't fallen in love with the idea of you.

I can see flaws and some little things that I'm sure down the road would annoy me to no end. But I overlook them, because in all reality they don't matter. Because it's you.

Things that used to be a big deal for me have seemed to be just tiny differences in our thinking.

Somewhere along the way, in between me liking you and me trying not to like you and then me throwing caution to the wind and becoming fully head over chucks for you, I saw you. I saw your heart. I saw your dreams and passions and family.

I saw all these things that sometimes it hurts to know that I'll be forced to live without them. I'll be forced to say goodbye.

And like I said, the person I'm really mad at is myself. I'm the one to blame.

You took no part in it. You were just there, being yourself. And I was here becoming myself around you.

You sir, were a force of nature, and you came into my life and everything was drastically changed.

So yes I'm upset at myself. But I know that down the road I will never regret it. Any of it.

Getting to know you while secretly harboring feelings for you. Allowing you to be the catalyst that threw me into being myself. Trusting you with tough things, and you in turn completely blowing my mind by how trustworthy you really were.

I don't now, and will never regret these last six months. It was a whirlwind. It was something that swept me off my feet and made me believe that guys like you actually exist.

So I'm mad. But I am so much more thankful that I ended up here, and ended up meeting one of the most amazing men I have ever met.

Even if it had to end in goodbye, the hello and the in between were the most wonderful things I could have ever asked for.

It Was a Simpler Time

It's crazy how being an adult can put so much stress on a person. I can remember being in high school and I had homework to do and I had commitments, but I hung out on Myspace daily and always had my friends over.

These days, I go to work and then come home and watch tv and hangout on Tumblr all night. Sometimes I write, or play music, or read.

But mostly I'm on the computer.

And yet, I'm more stressed out than I was even two years ago.

How is it that with age comes more stress?

Today I took a trip down memory lane and went through all of my old pictures.

Boy was that a terrible idea.

For one thing I was skinnier back then.

I just kept passing over pictures of friends and I hanging out at parks, or camps, and at school.

Things were structured but they weren't.

We had summer. We had winter break.

We had all these things that we had to look forward to.

I'm sitting here looking forward to an email. An EMAIL.

I look forward to the weekend, and then on Saturday I already start dreading Monday.

I feel like I've had nothing to look forward to lately.

The only thing I look forward to is hanging out with people.

Which, I'm starting to think is more important. Really it's all there is.

I get so nostalgic looking at old pictures because they were taken with friends. With people that I love.

You grow up hanging out with everyone so often because it's convenient. They go to school with you, or live down the block.

Then you go to college and you have your roommates and quadmates and they're always there.

You are so surrounded with all of these people that you love and that love you and support you.

Then you become an adult. And it all somewhat falls apart.

Your friends disperse. To different cities. Different states.

Life becomes about working, and making a living and paying bills.

Soon you don't have time to try and make an effort to see people.

That was the biggest slap in the face.

Having all these people surround you, and you promise each other that you will always be friends and that you'll talk all the time. And then you don't.

Out of sight becomes out of mind.

I am so guilty of this.

Then when you don't talk to anyone, you feel alone, then you feel like you can't talk to them.

So you don't tell them anything, because you can't lie and say that you're fine anymore.

It's so hard to grow up. It's hard to have things change.

It's getting so difficult to look back on memories and not be jealous of my younger self.

It's now almost impossible for me to see myself then and not be furious at myself for taking those times for granted.

It was a simpler time.

Regrets

I lay here in bed, wishing that I didn't have to go to sleep, so that I won't have to wake up and go to a job where I feel like I'm wasting away. I like my job, don't get me wrong.

I like what I do, I've learned a lot.

But I sit here and wonder, what if?

What if I had made a different decision?

What if I had chosen to actually go back to Massachusetts?

What if I had chosen not to stick around a good church and be a worship leader?

I wouldn't have deepened a couple of friendships this summer. I would regret not having that.

I would regret not getting worship leading experience.

I would regret not being able to try being on my own. At least for a few months.

But I feel so anxious.

Like I'm headed in the wrong direction. Like I'm falling behind, on top of falling apart.

I'm becoming more vain, because I don't have much to focus on other than work and working out and how I dress.

I don't like it.

I don't like not having a lot of friends close.

Was I just scared though?

I'm wondering.

I chose not to move across the country because family, and because I wanted to be there for my church, and then because I felt like I didn't want to go and be in an uncomfortable internship type program.

But I honestly think I was scared.

Scared that they would challenge me.

Scared that I would grow, and that it would hurt.

Scared of constructive criticism.

Just scared to live.

Now I regret not going.

I regret that I couldn't just take a year and try something that could be exciting.

I could have gone on an adventure, alone, and pioneered a great program.

I could have done a worship arts program basically. Running it, and mentoring people.

I think I feel as though I'm not thriving here because there's no one to fellowship with. Really.

I just miss feeling like I was trying new things, and seeing new places.

I loved it over there, and I let my fear of growth, and my fear of people loving me, put a bad taste in my mouth and I thought that I wouldn't be able to handle it.

And now it seems that even home is suffocating me.

I want to pray about this. Honestly, because if I can talk to the pastors there, I would love to have a second chance to make my decision. It's late already, but maybe if I begged. Ha.

Truly, I know that God is everywhere, and that he blesses me anyways. I just know that I've become complacent here, and I need the accountability. I need the challenge. Because it was a challenge, and it was tiring.

But I felt the growth. I felt the strength. I would do that internship over. I would do it over twice.

Lord, give me clarity. Give me hope. I loved them all so much.

Help me to follow your will, but also to follow my heart and not the words of others around me.

I have lived so much of my life based on other people's actions, or words of what I should or shouldn't do. I'm tired.

I'm done. Really. I'm done feeling as though I can't handle things.

I'm done feeling as though I need someone to go with me.

This may seem like a late night ramble, and maybe it is. But I want to love hard. And I want to live harder.

I want to charge into this life. I want to be fearless when it comes to the world and have full faith that my lord will provide.

So I will pray,

Lord, help me to have the peace that comes from your spirit. I know that this world gets crazy, and that things will never be perfect. But I also pray that you will help me to not be afraid to take leaps. Huge leaps of faith. If this is something that could be remotely possible, lord give me peace. I don't want this to be one of those things that it a great idea in the moment and then I regret it completely later. I feel as though I've missed my window, but Lord, help me to decide. I think that my life is so full of indecisiveness that maybe just making a decision would be easiest. Help Lord, I need you. I need you like the air I breathe.

Amen.

Sometimes It's Hard.

Sometimes it's hard to be home. I've gotten used to it mostly, but then something will happen and remind me why it was so hard before.

I've gotten used to the not being alone, and basically having no privacy.

I haven't gotten used to the manipulation, chaos, and emotion.

It's funny the things you don't notice when you aren't there.

I have to sit and watch these people take advantage of my family, of my parents.

It's killing me.

It's hard to choose family over family.

It's hard to walk in to my mom's room and find her crying.

It's hard to see the toll things are taking on her.

It's hard not being able to do anything about it.

It's hard.

Friendships

I was talking with one of my best friends today. Mainly just about feelings of obligation, and guilt.

Two things that shouldn't apply to friendships.

I have the opportunity to attend a young adult event tonight at 6pm, at one of my previous friends house.

I say previous, because I feel as though those two words have begun to describe our friendship. At least on my side.

The moment I left for school, ish basically hit the fan for this friend.

His life kind of got really hard, and he was depressed all the time and calling me needing encouragement.

Which as the INFP that I am, I did the best I could and immediately started to feed the changing friendship that would later be labeled as codependent.

When I would come home to visit, they would always want to hangout and I would say yes, and then later feel like I had to and would make up excuses not to go. He began to think I was a flake, which I kind of was, purposefully.

But hanging out with this person was starting to feel like a chore, an obligation, and I would feel guilted into it.

I am in no place to try and fix anyone, I can barely take care of myself. But I felt as though I needed to go because he didn't have anyone else.

I am always so caught up in what my actions are going to do to other people, that I, most of the time, live for others rather than myself.

If I could possibly hurt someone in some way by my actions, I will try everything else no matter what the inconvenience to me.

I want to live my life. You know?

I want to live and breathe honesty, and have healthy relationships.

I want to have friendships that aren't ridden with obligation.

So do I go? I'm finally free from that friendship. I've gone a good amount of time without feeling guilted into it.

Do I go and risk getting into it again?

I know that Jesus wants us to love everyone, and I am trying my best. But can I love from afar?

I think it's fair to do so.

I think that I truly want the best for this person, but I also want what's best for me, and right now that's taking care of myself.

Letting God fix my heart and help me have boundaries.

I need healing from this relationship.

Friendships are never easy. There are always ups and downs. But mostly, there is give and take. And for the past four years I feel that all this friendship has been is take.

What do I do?

Lord help me...

You Are Enough

I'm counting down the days, until I say goodbye The seconds pass so quickly, and I'm running out of time

Being torn in many directions, yet my heart might be left here

There's someone that I'm leaving, and they won't know, I fear

They won't know that they are loved, or just how much I care

I waited much too long, so now it won't seem fair

I've liked you for some time now, and please don't ask me why

Maybe it's because you're handsome, or because you drink whiskey when you cry

I wouldn't mind if you touched me, or even if we kissed

I think I waited too long, for the moment sure was missed

So for now I'll just be saying, that even though it's tough

You truly matter to me, You are enough.

Sometimes Things Happen. And They Hurt.

Sometimes things happen. Sometimes you have a totally fine day and then you get off work and all the sudden something happens that hurts you down to your core and you have no way of making it any better.

Sometimes people aren't receptive of apologies.

Sometimes people target you when really other things are going on in their lives.

Sometimes things hurt. And they can't be stopped.

The Head and The Heart

She had been dwelling on what had happened. 

She was so excited and she felt so special, but I told her that it wasn't a good idea.

She would run crazy if I didn't pull her back to reality. She's always so hung up on the ideas and on just going for it, but what about being practical? That's my responsibility in her life. I try my best to make her think about what she's doing. To weigh the pros and cons, or to even just analyze something first.

I'll admit it, I get a little carried away sometimes though. Sometimes I force her to see all the negative things that could happen. It's like I need to make sure she knows what could happen. Even if it means overkill on analyzing the facts and not the underlying feelings. 

She pleads with me a lot to let up. She just wants to run free and have people follow her, but I can't allow for that. It's reckless and in all honesty, it's going to end up in her being broken. So I'm here to protect her from that. 

Here she is again, hung up on something that should have only been one night. One night that would end up as just memories. 

She's convinced that it should mean more than just memories. She's convinced that the actions and the things that were said meant more than just kindness or him being a gentleman. She was convinced, or at least she hoped that it was supposed to be more.

This has to be the thousandth time she has done this. She puts herself out there and then gets broken, and I have to pick up the pieces and use my knowledge of her to put them back together. It's been a good while since I've let her really go for it. Usually I shut it down right away in hopes that she will get over him quick. I sometimes have to plant a deceptive seed in her to overanalyze her worthiness. 

It's not that she isn't worthy, trust me, I know she is. 

But on the off chance that he doesn't feel the same as she does, I give her the thoughts and the mindset that he won't ever. 

I make her think that what she's doing is awkward, or bothersome, or a burden. Sometimes this causes her insecurities to come out. When her insecurities come out, she becomes anxious. And when she becomes anxious she is restless, and then in turn she sometimes get impulsive. When she's impulsive, things end quickly. 

It's a somewhat tough process, having to see her put herself out there, or try. I hate being the bearer of bad news, or the one who brings rain on her parade, but I'm the logical one. I will keep her safe from harm. If she would only let me. 

So I'm waiting. It's been a while since I let her go. I haven't seen her truly go for it and win in at least three years, but even then it had started too soon and ended quickly. 

I'm torn. I'm wearing down because, believe it or not it does get exhausting having to bring people down to logic when they are sitting so high on cloud nine. 

Maybe just this once I can let her lead her own life. Maybe just this once I'll let Heart lead. She's waited a long time for this.

But if this time doesn't work. If for some reason it's not what she originally hoped, she will be crushed. 

And I'll be there, to set up a new set of walls to hold her together again. 

With all due respect sir

You don't know me.You don't know what I'm thinking or what I feel. You can't see the hurt behind my smile. And you definitely can't see the compassion that floats just beneath the worried look that you think judges. I have been struck down, and I have been gasping for air above these waters. I have a mind that works nonstop except for the few glorious hours of silence I get from slumber. I over think. I think deeply. I think in connecting dots that circle through my mind. The strain from thoughts displayed by my eyebrows. No I can't hide my emotions that well on my ever revealing face. But at least I show emotion. At least I choose to smile and wave when people look at me. At least I offer kindness to those who are worried and hurt. At least I encourage when people are stressed. I don't strike people when they are down, and I definitely don't pretend to know them. So with all due respect, not that you actually deserve it, you don't know me.

Sometimes something needs to happen to push you out of neutral

Have you ever just been completely stuck in some random place in your life and you seriously have no idea what you're going to do? 

It's like the negatives and positives of all the options you have weigh the same and you have to actually make the decision. 

Because it's not completely black and white on which option is best. 

This is me. All the time.

I don't know if I was actually ever going to say anything. But nevertheless that option is gone now. 

I could have spoken up and said something, but thinking about it now the timing was perfect.

You see I wouldn't have done anything to change where I was. I wouldn't have made the decision to drop it or bring it up.

I would have just stayed, stuck in neutral.

So this is good I think. The whole thing being ripped off of the table. 

This way all things are left in tact and not made awkward by my words or lack thereof. 

This next step is going to be hard, but I think I've decided that it will be worth it. 

I'm not in neutral anymore. I think that's what makes this okay. I think it's what makes me okay. 

I guess this is the something I needed. The something I prayed for. To throw me out of neutral. 

What's The Worst That Could Happen?

"Why don't you trust me?" He asked calmly. 

"I don't know." She answered back timidly. "I think I'm just afraid of what could happen if I give myself to you completely." 

She thought of before, when she was in high school and tried to trust other guys. She thought back to that desperate moment where she decided it would be a good idea to date a guy because of the fact that he could like her. He didn't at the time, but she begged her best friend, to beg him, to ask her out. And he did, because he liked her, her meaning the best friend. She was always the girl who had the beautiful best friend. In middle school, in high school, and even up until her college years, it seemed as though everyone went for her best friends. She hated it inwardly, allowing for herself to become a little bitter, and sarcastic.

"What's the worst that could happen?" He interrupted her thoughts.

What's the worst that could happen? She thought to herself. Every time she trusted people they betrayed her. They broke her heart. She was always so desperate for love. So desperate that the one boy she begged to have date her ended up being, well, someone she didn't think he was. She broke up with him the next day because she, "couldn't lie to her mom." But deep down she knew it was because it was wrong. It was so wrong to beg for love. She knew she deserved more than some random guy she had only known since the day before and who blew a wine burp in her face earlier that morning. She was fourteen, and already she felt that her worth was dependent on if a guy liked her. 

"You know you mean the world to me right? That I would give anything just to show you that I love you." There he went again, interrupting her thoughts. But she felt the comfort with him. When he spoke she felt the words flow into her ears and down around her heart. Why couldn't it always be like this? 

"I think I'm starting to realize just how much." She said as she sat down on the floor at the foot of her unmade bed, letting it sink in. She let the words he spoke reach in and grasp her heart so tightly. This is all i've ever wanted right? Love? Then why does it feel so different than the other times i've tried? All her thoughts were swarming around in her head making it hard to fully cling to her decision. But she thought, maybe, just maybe, if he would come over and lay his hand on her back, she would feel the real comfort. If he did that, then she would know that this was really real, and he was really there. 

"Just let me know. Let me know you're real" Desperate for the confirmation that she needed to finally let him in to her heart, into her life. In that moment, she felt the warmth of a hand on her upper back. The touch of reassurance that she needed to know that he was real, that he really truly loved her, that he was there. She turned to see her empty room with the door closed. 

As she smiled to herself with complete confidence that what had just happened wasn't made up, she sat there as tears started running down her face. "Okay God, you can have my heart. You can have it all."