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For as long as I can remember I’ve believed that I’m not good enough.

Things were said to me as a child that I held on to. Lies that I took on as my identity.

The past four years have consisted of me trying to figure out the lies I’ve been believing and finding the truth to replace them.

It’s been a process. It’s not easy to get out of certain patterns of believing.

Honestly, that’s the biggest lie that tries to creep itself back into my mind, I am not good enough.

I think it’s the biggest lie we can all believe about ourselves.

It’s a root. And it grows into almost everything.

Like friendships.

And jobs.

Passions.

Because I struggle so much with not feeling good enough, I try and compensate for it.

I people please. To an unhealthy extent.

This means not saying “no.”

It means dancing around issues that I don’t want to address and cause conflict.

Not feeling good enough throws me into not being myself.

It means trying to fit into what I see as good. Not what God sees as good.

Not feeling good enough also makes me not want to try.

I have passions and things that I love to do and feel called to do, but I don’t do them.

I do destructive things that only further my feeling of not good enough.

But the thing is. It’s not anyone else telling me I’m not good enough.

It’s fear telling me I’m not good enough.

It’s fear telling me if I try I’ll fail.

It’s fear breathing down my neck in a conversation telling me my joke just flopped and everyone things I’m dumb.

It’s fear telling me I’m too afraid.

So I believe it. And I stop.

Being myself.

Doing what I love.

Trying.

Fighting.

I stop myself.

Because of fear.

Because it tells me I’m not good enough.

Recently I was challenged to think about the lies I believe and find a truth to replace it.

The lie: obviously, “i’m not good enough.”

As I was praying about it I felt God’s peace.

The truth: God made us good enough.

God has made us righteous.

“God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God.” 2 Corinthians 5:21

There’s nothing we could do or say to make ourselves good enough. Because He has already done it.

Everything else is just extra.

So be yourself.

Feel what you need to feel.

Step out in courage, because even if you fail this time, He’s got you.

Even if there’s rejection, He’s got you.

Follow your dreams and wake up each morning knowing that you were made good enough and anything you could do today is just extra.

Sometimes People Get Led On And Sometimes Those People Are Me

I didn't realize that I had fallen for this guy until one day we were hanging out doing homework and he said "don't fall for me." Don't ask me how we got on a subject that triggered this response, because for the life of me I can't remember.

All I remember was this sinking feeling. This feeling of dread. Because inside I knew that I had already done what I was advised not to do.

Our friendship wasn't even something that I saw coming, so why would I see my feelings for him coming?

All I knew was that I wanted to hangout with him everyday, even if it was just doing homework at the nearest coffeeshop.

One time he even let me use his Costco card to buy chocolate covered Acai berries, and when we were in the checkout line he pretended that we were together so the lady wouldn't question me using his card.

You can understand my confusion when only a couple of days earlier he was telling me not to fall for him.

I continued hanging out with him not knowing myself well enough yet to realize that it wasn't a good idea (I wasn't good at setting up boundaries).

All I wanted to do was be his friend. I would keep telling myself this at least, wishing that I was speaking the truth. Now I can see that sure I would have loved to tell my feelings to go away and just be his friend, but sometimes it's just not possible, at least for me.

I think this happens to many of us. We catch "feelings" for someone and every single thing that they do encourages us.

They look at you a certain way, or they say something slightly cute to you. And sometimes they are super touchy feely and grab your hand in target with no actual intent on ever doing it again, at least in a romantic way.

Then there you are head over chucks for some guy who only sees you as a friend, or someone to hangout with until they find their next girlfriend.

Now, I'm not saying that this was all his fault. I'm really not.

I mean. He told me not to fall for him right?

I look back on that moment and wish that I could tell myself to snap out of it.

Like seriously. How is it not possible for me to just take people's words and believe that's all it's ever gonna be?

I will say, I definitely learned a lot through this experience. I remember after it was all over I never wanted someone to feel how I felt, especially because of me.

It's kind of funny because just as I was coming out of this toxic thing I'll call a crush fog, someone else came into the picture. Just a friend.

This guy and I had been friends for a year or so and we talked off and on. He knew what I had been going through and mentioned going on a "friend date."

I would later find out it was a ploy, because he had feelings for me, but at the time it seemed like a good idea.

We both agreed and decided when and where we should go.

But before we went I told him one thing.

"Don't fall for me."

People Matter

Right now I have two good friends who are on their way to visit me. One I have known for about four years and the other I've known of for four years but only became really close with this summer.

Last night I was talking to her about how I've basically isolated myself since being home, no old friends, no new ones. Just work and I've barely been invested in church.

She told me that when she first got married she felt very isolated too, until we started hanging out.

It's funny how you end up bonding with people right when you need someone the most.

I needed someone. And she made an effort to be my friend, and invite me over even if we just watched tv.

She needed someone. And I made the effort to get to know her better, and to be honest, she became my best friend.

I think that sometimes we don't think things mattered until someone tells you.

Recently I hung out with an old close friend, the first time since I've been home. I met her at her house where her father was too and he started questioning why I haven't been around.

Come to find out later, my friend had thought that I didn't want to be close with her because I hadn't reached out to hang out since being home.

I felt terrible.

Honestly.

This girl that was my favorite person when we were kids and still to this day, thought that I didn't like her.

She only told me this after I told her that I would consider her a close friend until the day I die.

I think we don't tell people they matter enough.

I've been home for almost four months, and I haven't attended my old church, and I haven't seen anyone from there.

They all know that I'm back.

After this realization with my friend, I thought about it.

These people, that always supported me and loved me and even helped me pay for school, probably think that I want nothing to do with them.

When really all I needed was time, and they pushed, and I withdrew. Until I had fully isolated myself into a workout, work, tv show, sleep stupor.

That's when I made my decision to go back, and to look the people that love me in the eye and tell them how much they actually do matter to me, despite my actions.

I've lived my life and had many different types of friendships.

Toxic friendships. Loving friendships. Shallow friendships. Healthy friendships. You name it.

But the ones that I always remember are the ones that mattered.

The ones that were natural, not forced.

The ones that spiraled into every summer day running around looking for adventure.

The ones that brought equal growth. Where you challenge each other and even have to be brutally honest but it works, and you both thrive.

The ones that teach you life lessons, which may hurt, and it may end, but it was a lesson nonetheless.

People have always told me things about myself; that i'm mysterious, that I'm "cool, calm, and collected," that I'm stoic.

Whatever the heck that means.

But I think the fact that I'm not very vocal about certain things makes it hard for people to understand.

I thrive on relationships. I love my friends.

But I NEED to tell them. I need to let them know how much I truly cherish their presence in my life, and their existence altogether.

I need to smile more to reassure that I'm having a good time.

I need to let them know they matter.

We need to let the people in our lives know they matter.

Lets say it until we sound like a broken record, and then keep going.

"I love you."

"I'm thankful for you in my life."

"You matter to me."

"Thank you for being my friend when I desperately needed one."

It's important. People are important. Tell them.

Friendships

I was talking with one of my best friends today. Mainly just about feelings of obligation, and guilt.

Two things that shouldn't apply to friendships.

I have the opportunity to attend a young adult event tonight at 6pm, at one of my previous friends house.

I say previous, because I feel as though those two words have begun to describe our friendship. At least on my side.

The moment I left for school, ish basically hit the fan for this friend.

His life kind of got really hard, and he was depressed all the time and calling me needing encouragement.

Which as the INFP that I am, I did the best I could and immediately started to feed the changing friendship that would later be labeled as codependent.

When I would come home to visit, they would always want to hangout and I would say yes, and then later feel like I had to and would make up excuses not to go. He began to think I was a flake, which I kind of was, purposefully.

But hanging out with this person was starting to feel like a chore, an obligation, and I would feel guilted into it.

I am in no place to try and fix anyone, I can barely take care of myself. But I felt as though I needed to go because he didn't have anyone else.

I am always so caught up in what my actions are going to do to other people, that I, most of the time, live for others rather than myself.

If I could possibly hurt someone in some way by my actions, I will try everything else no matter what the inconvenience to me.

I want to live my life. You know?

I want to live and breathe honesty, and have healthy relationships.

I want to have friendships that aren't ridden with obligation.

So do I go? I'm finally free from that friendship. I've gone a good amount of time without feeling guilted into it.

Do I go and risk getting into it again?

I know that Jesus wants us to love everyone, and I am trying my best. But can I love from afar?

I think it's fair to do so.

I think that I truly want the best for this person, but I also want what's best for me, and right now that's taking care of myself.

Letting God fix my heart and help me have boundaries.

I need healing from this relationship.

Friendships are never easy. There are always ups and downs. But mostly, there is give and take. And for the past four years I feel that all this friendship has been is take.

What do I do?

Lord help me...

Friends

Last night I had the privilege to go out ice skating with a few of my friends and then a bunch of other people that I have never met before.

As we tried our best in balancing and not falling on our butts we not only bonded further, but I got to meet and laugh with people that I didn’t even know.

Now if you know me at all, you know that this is a great success, seeing as i’m an introvert and don’t say much when i’ve just met people.

I went in to this night thinking it could be awkward, but it ended up being a really fun night. One of many to come I hope.

I think that as i’ve grown older, i’ve grown more comfortable with myself and who I am and know that it’s okay to be who I am right away. That I don’t have to ease people into getting to know me. That i should just be myself right away, and if they like me they like me, if they don’t, well, their loss.

I’m not conceited, but i’ve become more confident.

I know that I try my hardest to be a good friend, and to have somewhat good morals. I know that I want to be there for people and to laugh with people and make people feel good about themselves. Who wouldn’t want a friend like that?

This picture is of my roommate (on left) and I (on right) at a dance our school calls “social.” This woman is one of my best friends. Someone who knows me, and laughs with me, and laughs at me. She’s there when I need her and she is cute as hell. I’m glad that she is my friend and that she allows me to be these things with her as well.

Friends are people who allow each other to be who they are, all of who they are, without judgment, laughter maybe, but not judgment.

I enjoy these friendships and I know now that they are something that I need to appreciate more.