You are Worthy

For years I've waited. I've been the patient one. I didn't jump in for fun.

For years I've waited. I was the wise one. Though nothing I ever advised was done.

For years I've waited. To be told I'm loved. By someone who wasn't supposed to.

Now I stand on the edge. I stand on the precipice of what has been in my life and what could be. I stand on the edge as you look at me.

I've always told others to jump in and go for it. To say how they felt and they wouldn't regret it.

And here I am wanting to tell you that I like you, but thinking that their case and mine are not the same.

My life is different, I've always argued. They were the pretty ones. And I was there wishing that I was.

Now, however, everything has changed. I know who I am and what I am capable of.And I know that I am beautiful.

I know that sometimes things don't work out, but that doesn't mean we don't go for them.

Sometimes people don't feel the same, but that shouldn't bring us to the conclusion that we are not worthy.

You are worthy. And I am worthy.

And all I want right now is to tell you that I see your worthiness.

I see how you struggle but I'm here to tell you, you are wonderful.

I see the little things that make me laugh, the little things that somehow make me feel more worthy. I want to be the one who makes you laugh. The one who points you towards God in everything.

You are worthy. And so am I.

So even if I open my lips and say I like you, and you don't say yes, I know I'll be just fine.

I Never Know What To Think

We've all had crushes in our lives. We've also all had a friend who inspires hope for said crush. False hope, one could say.

All of my life, I have been best friend to this person who deems it okay to blurt out that they "totally like you back."

And even though I know it has never been that way before, I allow for the hope to seep into my heart and in turn it is let loose on a wild goose chase for love.

I don't know why I let this false hope dictate my getting over someone.

I was thinking about it today, mainly because I have a crush on someone I realize now probably isn't just a bored crush. (A bored crush is defined as someone who is basically just there, your only option, or the best out of what you have in front of you).

It's been about three months, and I've had a crush on the same person. Yes I see him on a daily basis, and yes I do believe he is the best out of what is in front of me, but for some reason I think it's more than just the bored crush.

As stated in my last post, I had a conversation with a co-worker about character, and reading people. That co-worker and my crush, are one and the same.

After that whole conversation had gone down, I didn't really know what to do so I sent a text to one of my best friends about it. We talked through it and everything was okay, it wasn't a big deal.

Today, she asked me "Have you talked to _____ yet?"

I was taken off guard thinking she was talking about the things he said so I just replied, "Well, I talk to him all the time, but I don't think he would actually ask about that."

But then she replied, "Well no, I mean, just everything he said. People don't just notice all those things, even if they are observant."

And so it begins....

I don't have to justify this crush. I really don't. There have been a few times where I had thought he liked me back but I was just reading into things too much. Then this happened.

She didn't openly say anything encouraging about this crush or anything like "he likes you too!"

A simple, "people don't just notice all those things.."and I'm soaring.

In my head....

"Oh my God, you're right, he totally was just saying he was really observant with everyone to cover up the fact that he noticed all that stuff about me, and he actually likes me too and...and...and...blah...blah..blah..."

Good Lord! When will it end?!?!

How about we go back to when we held off until a guy said he was interested. Or how about we just show our interest and possibly even speak up before we become completely lost in a crush that will go no where.

I have wasted almost six months of my life before, being led on, and fed false hope from many friends, only to realize that this person was never going to like me back.

I have been tricked and hurt, mainly by myself, because I sat in the hope that my interest will be reciprocated, but I also waited, inactive and trying to play it "cool."

I have driven probably around a thousand miles if not more, in hopes that I would drive past certain crushes on the off chance that they would be out walking around, or in their own car driving by.

It's funny though, because even though my friends feed me false hope, I never actually believe it. I never actually believe that someone likes me.

So in this moment, I'll wait I guess. I don't know if he likes me. I don't know what to think about the things he writes, or the observations he blurts out.

All I know is that when he said all those things, I felt comfort in the fact that someone saw some of the darkest insecurities and secrets that I had and treated me the same. I know that when he jokingly says "that's hot" to something I awkwardly do or say, It makes me blush inwardly. (never outwardly). I know that when he brushes past me, he smells good, and I wish that he was closer. I'm not going to lie, he knows that I don't like being touched. And I wish that he didn't know that. Because I wouldn't mind if it was him.

Sometimes I feel so dumb for liking him too. He always talks and I just listen. I could probably listen to him all day, which is rare because I don't really like when people talk a lot. He does this cute thing where he says "shut up" when I'm about to start a conversation with him, and I want to slap him in the face. But God bless my heart, I like him like crazy.

He does all these things that make me like him more, and I don't know if he's just nice, or you know...

I never know what to think.

So here I am. Fighting the false hope. Fighting the crush that probably isn't right. And fighting my conscience. Because I just might tell him. I might just tell him that either his detective skills just aren't good enough to realize it, or he's just pretending to be ignorant to the fact that I have liked him the whole time.

The Head and The Heart

She had been dwelling on what had happened. 

She was so excited and she felt so special, but I told her that it wasn't a good idea.

She would run crazy if I didn't pull her back to reality. She's always so hung up on the ideas and on just going for it, but what about being practical? That's my responsibility in her life. I try my best to make her think about what she's doing. To weigh the pros and cons, or to even just analyze something first.

I'll admit it, I get a little carried away sometimes though. Sometimes I force her to see all the negative things that could happen. It's like I need to make sure she knows what could happen. Even if it means overkill on analyzing the facts and not the underlying feelings. 

She pleads with me a lot to let up. She just wants to run free and have people follow her, but I can't allow for that. It's reckless and in all honesty, it's going to end up in her being broken. So I'm here to protect her from that. 

Here she is again, hung up on something that should have only been one night. One night that would end up as just memories. 

She's convinced that it should mean more than just memories. She's convinced that the actions and the things that were said meant more than just kindness or him being a gentleman. She was convinced, or at least she hoped that it was supposed to be more.

This has to be the thousandth time she has done this. She puts herself out there and then gets broken, and I have to pick up the pieces and use my knowledge of her to put them back together. It's been a good while since I've let her really go for it. Usually I shut it down right away in hopes that she will get over him quick. I sometimes have to plant a deceptive seed in her to overanalyze her worthiness. 

It's not that she isn't worthy, trust me, I know she is. 

But on the off chance that he doesn't feel the same as she does, I give her the thoughts and the mindset that he won't ever. 

I make her think that what she's doing is awkward, or bothersome, or a burden. Sometimes this causes her insecurities to come out. When her insecurities come out, she becomes anxious. And when she becomes anxious she is restless, and then in turn she sometimes get impulsive. When she's impulsive, things end quickly. 

It's a somewhat tough process, having to see her put herself out there, or try. I hate being the bearer of bad news, or the one who brings rain on her parade, but I'm the logical one. I will keep her safe from harm. If she would only let me. 

So I'm waiting. It's been a while since I let her go. I haven't seen her truly go for it and win in at least three years, but even then it had started too soon and ended quickly. 

I'm torn. I'm wearing down because, believe it or not it does get exhausting having to bring people down to logic when they are sitting so high on cloud nine. 

Maybe just this once I can let her lead her own life. Maybe just this once I'll let Heart lead. She's waited a long time for this.

But if this time doesn't work. If for some reason it's not what she originally hoped, she will be crushed. 

And I'll be there, to set up a new set of walls to hold her together again. 

It was all in your look

The look that knew I was there.The look that made me feel as though I was an actual person. That you could see me. Your look, the one that says "I'm being sincere...tell me honestly" And yet, I kept up the wall. I felt safe with your look, and yet it's the same thing that makes me scared for my heart. If I tell you too much, if I open up too much, only for you to turn in the other direction, how would my heart ever recover? It's crazy, but I think that I really do, like you. But my hints have either fallen short, or I have. I've racked my brain trying to figure out if I should bring it up. It's hard because I get the feeling that other's feelings may be involved, and I don't want to hurt anyone by making them feel how I felt ever day of high school, when I was the beautiful girl's best friend. It's not easy, and I don't want to rub it in. But that doesn't change my feelings. It won't change my heart. I deserve more than settling, and at this point anyone else would be. People keep saying you're just a boy, there are others. But right now you're the only boy. I don't care anymore. If I come on too strong. Because what's love, but a risk? And what's life without love?