You are Worthy

For years I've waited. I've been the patient one. I didn't jump in for fun.

For years I've waited. I was the wise one. Though nothing I ever advised was done.

For years I've waited. To be told I'm loved. By someone who wasn't supposed to.

Now I stand on the edge. I stand on the precipice of what has been in my life and what could be. I stand on the edge as you look at me.

I've always told others to jump in and go for it. To say how they felt and they wouldn't regret it.

And here I am wanting to tell you that I like you, but thinking that their case and mine are not the same.

My life is different, I've always argued. They were the pretty ones. And I was there wishing that I was.

Now, however, everything has changed. I know who I am and what I am capable of.And I know that I am beautiful.

I know that sometimes things don't work out, but that doesn't mean we don't go for them.

Sometimes people don't feel the same, but that shouldn't bring us to the conclusion that we are not worthy.

You are worthy. And I am worthy.

And all I want right now is to tell you that I see your worthiness.

I see how you struggle but I'm here to tell you, you are wonderful.

I see the little things that make me laugh, the little things that somehow make me feel more worthy. I want to be the one who makes you laugh. The one who points you towards God in everything.

You are worthy. And so am I.

So even if I open my lips and say I like you, and you don't say yes, I know I'll be just fine.

You Believed In Me.

Not a day goes by where I don't think about you. Miss you. I think about all the conversations and all the encouragements, and I never forget how you believed in me.

You always told me to forget the world and prove them wrong.

You told me that what I had to offer was amazing, and it was worthy.

You encouraged my voice and told me how to break out and use it.

You seemed safe enough. And to my surprise you still are.

Even the memory of you holds it's own encouragement, that people like you exist.

You hold me to my dreams. You call out the gold and God never even told you to.

Somehow, along the way, you believing in me caused me to believe in myself.

I feel my value, and my confidence in that value growing.

Something I don't remember is ever feeling like I disappointed you.

You never called me condemned, but you convicted in a loving way.

After all of this, I sit here and still write to you. Letters, poems, songs.

I write and I do so because you inspire me. I do so because you told me how much I could do. You always told me there was more, and to reach for the stars.

So you are not here, and even though I'm sad, I'm living.

I'm living life, dreaming of my future and dreaming up things I never would have dreamed up.

And I do so, because you believed in me.

What You See is Not What Everyone Else Sees

This morning I woke up with my bun on the very top of my head and at least half of my hair had fallen out from the bottom. In that moment, I knew it was going to be a bad hair day.

My hair was greasy, and my part was now, thanks to my bun, indecipherable.

I finally got ready and did my best to style my hair, ending up with it in a pony tail.

I did my make-up and I picked out my outfit for the day.

Feeling fine with myself, I made my way across the property to the camp office and began my weekly task of cleaning the office.

I was sweeping when one of my roommates walked in to ask me a question.

As they were making their way out the door they stopped and said "you are having a good hair day. What's different?"

And then I say hesitantly, "It's in a pony tail."

"Oh." He replied, "I like it. You wearing make-up?"

"Yes." I say.

"Lipstick?" He asked further.

"Yup." I reply, now just completely taken aback.

"I like it." He said and then turned and left.

As I continued sweeping I felt my "feeling fine" mood lift off of me, and I felt full on happy with how the day had turned out.

There were two things that I realized through this experience.

One being that you never know how someone is feeling about themselves. I was feeling basically crappy about how my hair looked today and then now I feel great.

Because someone went out on a limb and decided to compliment me, I instantly felt better. So we should never hold back when trying to encourage people.

Two being that people see us very differently then we see ourselves. We are our own worst critic, and somehow sometimes we don't think good things about ourselves, when on the opposite end people could think the world of us.

We could think we look crappy as hell, and then people tell us that we need to keep doing what we're doing because we look great. What even is that?

As I begin to walk out this newfound confidence in the fact that I am totally and completely ridiculous when it comes to overthinking my appearance, I hope that you realize that people see you very differently then you see yourself.

So when you look in the mirror just remember, what you see is not what everyone else sees.

Rejection and the Confidence From a Shaken Hand

When I was in high school I had this fear. I still have this fear, but I had it in high school too. 

It's called the fear of rejection. 

Heard of it? 

Well, I was run by it. 

I used to think that people wouldn't like me because of how I looked. I still sometimes think this. 

It was times like when people would hug me, or shake my hand that it would seem more evident. I didn't think people even wanted to touch me, because deep down I felt that people didn't think I was worthy enough to touch, or even hug. I felt that people would be disgusted with me. I wasn't good enough for their "good" hugs, and their "real" handshakes, just their "i'm doing this because I did it to everyone else gestures."

I could see how this mindset changed when I came to LIFE. I began hugging people. People were hugging me. I loved it. I loved "good" hugs. Giving them and receiving them. It seemed that those insecurities somewhat melted away a bit. 

However, until today I didn't realize how much I really wanted the intentional. I wanted someone to be intentional with me. 

Today I introduced myself to a new student. Let me just tell you that this was a great moment today. A very great moment, and you can't rain on my parade. 

I said, "Hey I'm Michelle" and he told me his name, and I kid you not, he shook my hand. Not one of those "I have to do this because you just introduced yourself" or the limp hand, dead fish handshakes. He was intentional and he gave me a firm handshake. 

Let me tell you. All day i walked around with confidence because a man was intentional enough to shake my hand like a real person should. 

People, be intentional with others, you never know how appreciated it might be.