The List

I think most people can relate to the fact that I have a list. Not just any list.

THE list.

You know. The one that is filled with the desired traits/interests/dreams/appearance of the man that I some day want to be with. That list.

For as long as I can remember I have had a very specific list. To spare you I won't write down everything. But it was just a lot of appearances, and likes, and dreams, and so on and so forth.

Let me start by saying that I'm not here to hate on the list.

Everyone has a type.

Whether it's a look, or a personality trait, there is always something there in someone that immediately attracts you to them.

For me it's always been if someone is kind. Which surprisingly enough hasn't been too many people.

Of course we are all drawn to different people for different reasons and that is totally fine. God created each of us differently and with that comes different preferences and attractions.

Honestly, I think that having a list is fine. Depending on what is on it.

For me, my list became so specific that honestly, I don't even think any man could have ever checked off every item, not even Jesus himself.

Today I was talking to my friend about this guy that I have a crush on. Immediately I started listing off all these things that were on my list that he didn't have or do. And it hit me that maybe he doesn't have to have or do those things.

I think that I got so caught up in what my human mind would want, that I failed to even ask God what he thinks would be good for me.

I have this huge list of things that I want in a potential guy, and honestly if I met a man with all those things but he wasn't the right person it still wouldn't work. Just because we want something it doesn't mean it's good for us.

This is not me saying that we need to lower our standards and take things off our list.

It's simply just me saying that I think we need to take a minute and ask God what he sees for us.

God created us and he knows us, he knows the desires of our hearts. I think taking a look at the list with a God perspective and choosing what the actual important items are, the deal breakers if you will, is what we need to be doing.

Think about it this way.

God could have this amazing man out there for you. He's kind and sweet and makes you laugh and actually treats you like a human, and you don't want to give him the time of day because he isn't tall enough. Or he doesn't look like your type normally looks. Or he isn't a musician. Or he isn't....blah blah blah.

You could totally miss out on the right guy for you because you're too focused on a fictional character that you've made up in your mind that doesn't really exist.

Are you going to let yourself miss out? Or are you going to decide what's important and then go for it?

Realizations of a Typical Adult

Today I arrived back in Hollister. I'm here for about a week before I fly out to Switzerland. I made it in about eight hours, walked in the door, and ate breakfast for dinner.

Everyone kind of went off to bed and I decided that it was a great idea to read one of my journals from high school. Mistake numero uno.

It was cool though, I got to read prayers that I had written down to God about other people, yes, but mainly about my life and what my purpose was. It was cute. I was kind of just sitting there all proud of myself I guess. You know, like a parent is proud of their child's scribbly marker art, or even their kid mumbling through giving thanks before a meal. It was cute in a childish way.

Reading through my very first completed journal actually made me realize how far I have come.

I found out through my twenty-five year old eyes that my sixteen year old self was whiney as hell. Like it legitimately bothered me. I was secretly hoping that the ramblings that filled each page were never actually spoken aloud to others before they were written down. Unlikely.

Not only was I completely boy obsessed, which by the way I would love to go back and punch myself in the stomach for being so naive, but I was also very persistent on saying I wanted things to change without actually doing anything to change them.

Lets take my boy crazed self for example. I wrote page after page about my crushes on these guys and talked all about how they probably didn't like me. Not that I actually gave them the chance to. Seeing as I never told any of them. To be honest, I didn't really talk to many of them either. It was more of a silent appreciation from afar. No wonder I used to sign my journal entries as "A Typical Teenager." *cue eye roll*

But here I am now. I'm sure my prayers have improved at least a little bit. I can also honestly say that I feel as though I'm not boy crazy anymore. I actually talk to guys now. Don't worry readers. I've evolved. I'm not a total creeper anymore.

The part that gets me the most I think, is that the concerns I voiced in my journal are still things that concern me today. It almost doesn't feel like a flashback to before my college years.

I literally wrote that I was scared to go through college only to not find a job and have to move home. Which I ended up having to anyways but that isn't the point. My point is that I have been scared to take leaps and bounds because I don't want to end up back at my parent's house. Or back where I started. It feels like ten thousand steps back.

I was trying to figure out my purpose then and here I am now still trying to figure out the things that actually make me happy and aren't just in my life to please someone else.

It hit me that maybe there are certain things that we will always struggle with. Mine is letting go and trusting that things will be taken care of.

I'm basically like the Israelites in the desert when they all forget what God literally just did to get them out of Egypt.

Not letting my fears get in the way of God's plan for my life will be the greatest thing I could ever do.

So this time I don't want to immediately think of the worst case scenario. I want to think of what I truly want and to go for that full force without thinking it will land me back in my old bedroom in my parent's house.

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

Sincerely,

A Typical Adult

Living for the Future

Have you ever gotten so caught up in plans, and ideas for your future that it just completely consumes everything you are? Lately, I've been so focused on what will be that I don't take a second to look at what is.

Last night our team got some pretty upsetting news. That we most likely will not be here next summer.

Now I believe that God does miracles and I'm all for seeing The Station being one, but I can't not make plans for my future.

Where will I live? What mediocre job will I take to replace the awesome one I have now? How can I still be a part of something bigger that matters?

So many questions swirling around in my brain. So many thoughts.

Thoughts like how much I hate job hunting, and how there really aren't affordable places to rent in Mammoth and I definitely lucked out with what I have.

These questions seem so overwhelming. But in the midst of the chaos in my brain, I took a second to stop and look around.

I somehow halted the perforating thoughts for long enough to breathe and be thankful for the now.

Gazing around our crowded lodge at all the campers and staff, I had this moment. I was grateful.

I was so happy that all these people are here and that I get to be a part of this.

This place was once my bosses dream, and for the past nine years she has been walking it out. She has fought and trudged through way worse things than just being snowed into the staffhouse.

Not only has she chosen to not give up, but she chooses each day to believe that there is something new God wants to show her.

So as I try to slow my mind and tell it the future will come and have worries of its own, I must also look to my King as He tells me "be still and know that I am God."

Know that He has everything covered.

Know that my wildest dreams don't even come close to the plans that He has for me.

And know that as I walk, stumble, fall, freak out, and hope to God my future isn't as hard as it's seeming to be, that He will always love me just as I am.

Here's to living for the future while being completely consumed by the now, and trusting that God will tell me when one becomes the other.

In My Own Head

Two Weeks ago I wrote a blog post about getting to know people and it being extremely hard for me to say goodbye to those people. Last night I had a bit of an emotional episode.

This summer, friends have come back to work at The Station. People that I truly care about and quite honestly I feel as though I was just holding my breath waiting for them to come back.

For some reason I have allowed this future goodbye make me fall apart.

At every point where I am shut out or cut off from community and hanging out with people I feel a little twinge in my heart. Another opportunity to grow closer, missed.

I think that because I decided to open my heart to people and get to know them, my heart feels extremely exposed. It's like I went from feeling scared to open up, to being scared that I'm not opening up enough and I'm going to say goodbye to these amazing individuals again and it's going to ruin me.

I got in my head.

I allowed my mind to tell me that there isn't enough time.

I've allowed my own season coming to an end make me feel as though everything is.

It's as though I spoke out that I wanted to open up to people and get to know them even if goodbyes are hard, and then I'm faced with another huge goodbye that is going to suck.

A goodbye to friends. A goodbye to summer. A possible last summer at The Station. And a possible last summer in Mammoth. A possible goodbye to my home.

But if I start breaking down now, I can't have my last experience.

I can't live in the moment if I'm thinking of the last one we'll have.

So I need to stop.

Somehow.

I need to stop getting into my own head.

Sometimes People Get Led On And Sometimes Those People Are Me

I didn't realize that I had fallen for this guy until one day we were hanging out doing homework and he said "don't fall for me." Don't ask me how we got on a subject that triggered this response, because for the life of me I can't remember.

All I remember was this sinking feeling. This feeling of dread. Because inside I knew that I had already done what I was advised not to do.

Our friendship wasn't even something that I saw coming, so why would I see my feelings for him coming?

All I knew was that I wanted to hangout with him everyday, even if it was just doing homework at the nearest coffeeshop.

One time he even let me use his Costco card to buy chocolate covered Acai berries, and when we were in the checkout line he pretended that we were together so the lady wouldn't question me using his card.

You can understand my confusion when only a couple of days earlier he was telling me not to fall for him.

I continued hanging out with him not knowing myself well enough yet to realize that it wasn't a good idea (I wasn't good at setting up boundaries).

All I wanted to do was be his friend. I would keep telling myself this at least, wishing that I was speaking the truth. Now I can see that sure I would have loved to tell my feelings to go away and just be his friend, but sometimes it's just not possible, at least for me.

I think this happens to many of us. We catch "feelings" for someone and every single thing that they do encourages us.

They look at you a certain way, or they say something slightly cute to you. And sometimes they are super touchy feely and grab your hand in target with no actual intent on ever doing it again, at least in a romantic way.

Then there you are head over chucks for some guy who only sees you as a friend, or someone to hangout with until they find their next girlfriend.

Now, I'm not saying that this was all his fault. I'm really not.

I mean. He told me not to fall for him right?

I look back on that moment and wish that I could tell myself to snap out of it.

Like seriously. How is it not possible for me to just take people's words and believe that's all it's ever gonna be?

I will say, I definitely learned a lot through this experience. I remember after it was all over I never wanted someone to feel how I felt, especially because of me.

It's kind of funny because just as I was coming out of this toxic thing I'll call a crush fog, someone else came into the picture. Just a friend.

This guy and I had been friends for a year or so and we talked off and on. He knew what I had been going through and mentioned going on a "friend date."

I would later find out it was a ploy, because he had feelings for me, but at the time it seemed like a good idea.

We both agreed and decided when and where we should go.

But before we went I told him one thing.

"Don't fall for me."

No More Fear

Sometimes I sit down to write about a certain topic, and I get halfway through what I want to say and realize that I don't want to finish it. Sometimes crushes just aren't that important, or poems aren't meant to be read by everyone. Whatever the case, I gave up my previous post about graduating to start this one and see where it goes. So here I am.

I love writing. I write about love. I write about the people that matter to me and unfortunately the people that hurt me. Luckily I'm not a famous blogger so I don't get crap for it like Taylor Swift does.

I have a couple of friends who read through my ramblings. (Thanks Jen) And I have a few more people that I don't actually know personally.

Either way, I'm happy that some people find entertainment from the words I put down.

I started my blog five years ago. Mainly to write about school, or the guys that I thought I was in love with. I've expanded to family and friends and identity. If there's one thing that I've learned through finding my true identity, it's that everyone should know what their true identity is.

So, I guess I'm just testing the waters. I'm kind of done being afraid. I've lived my life full of fear. Fear of trying things or sharing my heart, past, and passions with people. I've been so scared of being judged, or hurt, or made fun of. Maybe I've just been scared of failing. But I actually think that maybe I've been afraid of succeeding.

Sometimes in life, our enemies don't want us to succeed. Maybe sometimes we pick up on that and take that fear as our own.

I don't want to be afraid anymore.

I am in the process of writing a book. There it is. It's now out there for all you five to keep me accountable.

I am seven pages into a very rough telling of my life. Hard stories. Ridiculous stories. Me trying too hard to be funny or make readers laugh. Maybe me being too raw, or making light of things that are light to me now but weren't when they happened.

You see. When you know someone's past. The things that happened to them, and the things that they did in a moment of weakness. You can attest to God's goodness in who they are now. That is testimony.

Seeing where someone came from, and seeing them in present day thriving despite the past.

Hearing someone's stories about being held captive by darkness for so long, and not necessarily believing it because of who they are now.

So. I guess this is just the beginning.

Get ready?

Just Talk

I know it's been a while. So how about an update on where I'm at? Since school started I have changed drastically. I have prophesied. I have prayed for multiple people I didn't know. I have grown and I have been stretched.

Just this last week I have addressed problems in my life that have all coincidentally led back to a spirit of fear.

I'm afraid.

Straight up.

It's where my anxiety comes from. My feelings of inadequacy. My constant feeling that I won't be accepted or liked.

And it's so much more than me needing people to tell me I am good enough.

It's rooted so deep down from my childhood that I don't even really know where it started.

So last week we had an assignment to go up to Mammoth Mountain for the skiing and snowboard qualifiers. We were supposed to prophesy to four people we didn't know, and pray for two people we did know.

I didn't do it.

Actually sorry. I couldn't do it.

I was so scared and I literally stood there paralyzed because I couldn't hear God or didn't want to. So I didn't go up to anyone.

This week, I had to tell my teachers that I didn't do it. And I was also terrified to tell them. One, because I thought they would be disappointed. And two, I almost cry every time I talk about it.

They weren't disappointed. And they were encouraging about me trying again with everyone. I was not ready to even try and wrap my head around that.

I had to go and try again?

Well, last night I had my small group with the other students/friends, and basically I spilled the beans about everything. Fear, anxiety, how I can't talk to strangers let alone prophesy to them. Then they began praying for me and I went about my night.

Opening up my journal, I began writing. I didn't really know what it was until I realized it was God speaking directly to me in letter form. Most of it was encouraging, but then I got to the challenge.

He told me this, "I love you so much! You are my daughter, you are a daughter of the king, a daughter of God. It's time that you start stepping up and stepping out and acting like it. You carry power and I have given you authority. And all you need to be confident in is the fact that I am always there."

Great. I thought to myself. Am still thinking to myself.

You know that it's been pretty bad if God has to give you a kick in the butt.

Today I shared this with my class, and my teacher sat there smiling. Everyone knew that it was something that was most definitely truth in my life and lucky me, I was going to have a chance to walk it out again.

Our assignment today was to go out wherever God told us to go and start conversations with people, give them words, pray for them. Everyone else seemed a little nervous but fine, and I was sitting there on the edge of tears again.

We began praying for where God was leading us and my friend asked me how I felt about it and I just said "I'm scared" and started tearing up.

After I pulled myself together finally, we went out and we talked to some people.

I didn't prophesy over anyone, or pray for anyone, but we talked to a few people.

I came back feeling a little discouraged, but all in all I talked to people.

I took the step, and was intentional to talk to people, and I'm sure we left them feelings encouraged and loved.

So I may not have prophesied, or prayed. But I did talk.

Sometimes it's okay to just talk.

Pain is a Matter of Opinion

Recently I had a discussion with a friend about needles. I mentioned being a child and promising my mother that I wouldn't cry "this time" when she took me in for my seasonal shots.

It's funny because every year I would promise that and every year I would break my promise because I was scared. Not because the needle was actually already inside of me and it hurt.

Since then I have become someone who gives blood when she can, and sometimes can't because it hasn't been twelve months since her last tattoo.

It doesn't hurt anymore.

I've come to realize that pain is a matter of opinion. Someone who hated needles as kids could easily grow out of it, though there are those people who still can't handle them.

It's the same with anything people find painful. Usually when you're a kid you find things more painful than you would as an adult. Probably through experience but more likely because the emotional pain of life sometimes becomes more painful than the physical pain.

I've been thinking a lot about how sometimes when people express that they are hurting emotionally we don't take it as seriously as physical pain and we write it off.

When I was a kid I would run around and scrape my knees and twist my ankles and just basically throw caution to the wind when it came to taking care of my body.

As I've grown up, the physical pain has never measured up to the emotional hurts that I've received.

I've been rejected, called names, been judged because of beliefs, done things to myself I can't take back, let others take advantage, etc.

No physical pain that I've ever been through will hurt more than the emotional trauma I carry around with me everyday.

So sometimes when people see others in pain, they don't necessarily see it. Do you know what I mean?

They don't see someone with trigger words, or boundaries, or fears of being involuntarily touched. They only see if someone's bleeding, or limping, or in a cast.

People can write off emotional pain as if it doesn't matter. But that's their opinion. Obviously it's going to matter to the person who is going through it.

So maybe instead of shying away from people when they express emotional hurts, unstability, or scars, we decide to stay and listen.

We decide to acknowledge we shouldn't say certain things around certain people. Maybe we ask before putting our arms around someone.

We stay and let them express what's truly hurt them in their life.

Don't write them off because they aren't bleeding.

Pain is a matter of opinion.

Just because you don't think something would hurt someone, doesn't mean that it wont.

Inspired

If there's a person who can truly make you inspired, I think it's Olan Rogers. If you haven't had a chance to watch any of his videos, you should make time for it.

Not only is he one of the most hilarious people that I've ever seen, his Soda Parlor Documentary is inspiring as heck.

He talks about his dream of opening up this Soda Parlor to be able to spend time with people whenever he wants. This person that loves people, and getting to know them talks about how he felt that this dream almost wasn't going to come true.

If you feel like you're uninspired, discouraged, disappointed in everything including yourself, this 15 minute documentary can maybe lift your spirits just enough to allow you to breath. To allow you to realize that there is still life, and that if you're willing to work hard and fight for your dreams that you can do it, one step at a time.

I've been living in a state completely bare of any motivation, or beauty. Usually I can find the beauty in the world, but recently all I've found is anxiety, and fear that I'll be stuck here forever. A fear that I'll never live my dreams.

And then I sit in my room and wonder what my true dreams were in the first place.

Well, one of my dreams is to make it on my own. I want to be able to support myself, without the help of parents, family, or even a husband. I'm not one who has always depended on people, and being home depending completely on my parents makes me feel like I'm worthless.

Another dream is that I want to write music, and perform and I want people to like my songs. I want to live completely immersed in music. I want to have a legit EP. One that's recorded with people. I want musicians around me that make me better.

Dream number three is to be a writer. Which at this point I've done a lot more writing than I have practicing my guitar. I like writing words that could somehow make a difference. So I write teen fiction with tiny little pieces of my life in it. I want to subtly write my story in the back stories of my characters and somehow change someone's life. Like Rainbow Rowell, or Melody Carlson, or Robin Jones Gunn.

I dream of traveling. I want to road trip everywhere. I want to fly over seas, out of this country and see what it's really like out there. I want to see all these amazing sights that I've only heard about, or seen pictures of.

I dream of a family. I dream of marrying the man of my dreams and living together in a tiny house, or apartment. Coincidentally I dream of marrying the man I do music with. But that doesn't have to happen. I just want someone who will support my crazy dreams and someone whose dreams I can love to support. I can't wait to come home to the love of my life, to greet him with a kiss and to be able to hold him and not have to let go. I can't wait to wake up next to someone. Right now this is one of the most important dreams to me, however I put it last because I realize it shouldn't be the most important to me.

I want to live my life. I haven't yet learned how to share this life with someone. I can barely keep up with my relationship with God. I don't need another distraction from my Lord.

My God has given me these dreams, and I don't think He is the type to dangle something I love in front of me and not let me have it. Dreams are supposed to be work, and I get that now.

I think I just need to stop being paralyzed by fear.

I fear that others will judge me, but to be honest with myself, some probably will.

I'm afraid that people won't like my music, or my writing, but some people won't.

I'm afraid of money. I let it consume me. Constantly checking my bank account to see if I have enough. Yet I spend money on things that aren't important to me.

I'm afraid of feeling guilty for leaving a job I don't necessarily think will grow me in the areas I need it to.

I'm afraid of people being upset with me. I care too much about how people see me and my choices.

I have so many things standing in my way and I think that I need to take the time to sit before God and give everything up.

I need to set it all at his feet. I need to set it at his feet and ask that he either bless it, or close the door on it.

I watched the Soda Parlor Documentary again today. It's something that maybe I should watch daily. It makes me feel like my dreams are achievable. Which they are, I just don't know where to start. I need to find inspiration in myself. I think.

Lord help me to see the plan. Open the doors, and close the ones that I shouldn't even be looking at. Lord help me. Give me peace in my times of anxiety. Help me to immediately look to you and know that it's going to be okay. It's not my whole life. That i'm only 23 and I have the rest of my life ahead of me. Give me strength, and help me to fight for my dreams. I love you Lord. Amen.

I Never Know What To Think

We've all had crushes in our lives. We've also all had a friend who inspires hope for said crush. False hope, one could say.

All of my life, I have been best friend to this person who deems it okay to blurt out that they "totally like you back."

And even though I know it has never been that way before, I allow for the hope to seep into my heart and in turn it is let loose on a wild goose chase for love.

I don't know why I let this false hope dictate my getting over someone.

I was thinking about it today, mainly because I have a crush on someone I realize now probably isn't just a bored crush. (A bored crush is defined as someone who is basically just there, your only option, or the best out of what you have in front of you).

It's been about three months, and I've had a crush on the same person. Yes I see him on a daily basis, and yes I do believe he is the best out of what is in front of me, but for some reason I think it's more than just the bored crush.

As stated in my last post, I had a conversation with a co-worker about character, and reading people. That co-worker and my crush, are one and the same.

After that whole conversation had gone down, I didn't really know what to do so I sent a text to one of my best friends about it. We talked through it and everything was okay, it wasn't a big deal.

Today, she asked me "Have you talked to _____ yet?"

I was taken off guard thinking she was talking about the things he said so I just replied, "Well, I talk to him all the time, but I don't think he would actually ask about that."

But then she replied, "Well no, I mean, just everything he said. People don't just notice all those things, even if they are observant."

And so it begins....

I don't have to justify this crush. I really don't. There have been a few times where I had thought he liked me back but I was just reading into things too much. Then this happened.

She didn't openly say anything encouraging about this crush or anything like "he likes you too!"

A simple, "people don't just notice all those things.."and I'm soaring.

In my head....

"Oh my God, you're right, he totally was just saying he was really observant with everyone to cover up the fact that he noticed all that stuff about me, and he actually likes me too and...and...and...blah...blah..blah..."

Good Lord! When will it end?!?!

How about we go back to when we held off until a guy said he was interested. Or how about we just show our interest and possibly even speak up before we become completely lost in a crush that will go no where.

I have wasted almost six months of my life before, being led on, and fed false hope from many friends, only to realize that this person was never going to like me back.

I have been tricked and hurt, mainly by myself, because I sat in the hope that my interest will be reciprocated, but I also waited, inactive and trying to play it "cool."

I have driven probably around a thousand miles if not more, in hopes that I would drive past certain crushes on the off chance that they would be out walking around, or in their own car driving by.

It's funny though, because even though my friends feed me false hope, I never actually believe it. I never actually believe that someone likes me.

So in this moment, I'll wait I guess. I don't know if he likes me. I don't know what to think about the things he writes, or the observations he blurts out.

All I know is that when he said all those things, I felt comfort in the fact that someone saw some of the darkest insecurities and secrets that I had and treated me the same. I know that when he jokingly says "that's hot" to something I awkwardly do or say, It makes me blush inwardly. (never outwardly). I know that when he brushes past me, he smells good, and I wish that he was closer. I'm not going to lie, he knows that I don't like being touched. And I wish that he didn't know that. Because I wouldn't mind if it was him.

Sometimes I feel so dumb for liking him too. He always talks and I just listen. I could probably listen to him all day, which is rare because I don't really like when people talk a lot. He does this cute thing where he says "shut up" when I'm about to start a conversation with him, and I want to slap him in the face. But God bless my heart, I like him like crazy.

He does all these things that make me like him more, and I don't know if he's just nice, or you know...

I never know what to think.

So here I am. Fighting the false hope. Fighting the crush that probably isn't right. And fighting my conscience. Because I just might tell him. I might just tell him that either his detective skills just aren't good enough to realize it, or he's just pretending to be ignorant to the fact that I have liked him the whole time.