I Will Laugh Again

I haven't written in a while and I think I just didn't really know what to say. The past few months have been filled with change, anxiety, sadness, excitement, and a lot of goodbyes.

Sometimes all of those things in the same day and even the same second if you would believe that.

Once we moved from The Station it was as if "goodbye" just became normal. And not even a "goodbye I'll see you tomorrow." They were goodbyes where friends moved back home, or to a different state.

I said goodbye to levels of friendship because we no longer had schedules that lined up and we couldn't hangout all the time.

I said goodbye to a dream I didn't even realize was a dream until it was over. Or paused.

I said goodbye to the most annoying yet most beautiful place to live ever. And it kills me to drive past it.

I held myself together for almost two months after we moved. I didn't cry. I didn't even think about it. I went about my business telling myself I was fine. It was fine. Everything is fine.

I guess pushing things down or away doesn't REALLY help. It just postpones the inevitable breakdown. It just shoves away the healthy reactions and they build up until one day you can't keep a lid on top anymore.

Honestly, I can't keep a lid on it anymore. I didn't take the time to let my feelings out as they came, and now I cry at anything. I think about the camp and I cry. I think about my mom and I cry. I think about being in Mammoth and I cry. Honestly ANYTHING.

And then I get annoyed at myself for crying. And then I cry more.

This may be one of the most vulnerable posts I have written. And I'm not even entirely sure if it's helpful. It's just what is.

I don't have answers, I just have the process and I have to keep moving. Because that's the only way to get through it.

I have to be okay with the fact that I cry every day. As long as I'm getting it out eventually it has to stop (fingers crossed). I have to be okay with where I am but I also need to have hope for where I am going and be okay with the actions I need to take to get there. Even if they are actions I never thought I would have to take.

It may take a good while, but there is a time for everything.

"a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance" Ecc 3:4.

I just need to keep moving. I need to keep pushing through, because one day I will laugh again.

Addictions

Addictions are our attempts to fill the void. 

Addiction is my attempt to fill the void in my heart. 

The loneliness, the impatience, the hurt. 

My past and my childhood basically set me up for a failure. It set me up to give in, to lose control, to have my life completely lost. 

My childhood set me up to have an addiction, a sexual addiction. 

As hard as it is to say, i was addicted, or am, or i don't know. 

Addiction in my life, is the thing i go to when i get lonely, or upset, or something i just figure i can get momentary pleasure out of. 

I even see it in others with drugs and drinking, even those that gamble. 

It completely tears you apart. And for what?!?

God made us in His image, an image that by giving in to addictions has been disgraced. 

Countless times, i give in to my addictions. 

No more than a minute later i feel so ashamed and wish that i could take the whole thing back. But i can't. 

I can be wiped clean. I can be forgiven. 

But it doesn't change the fact that i've done it again, and now it will be even more difficult for me to say no to it in the future. 

I think my life would be a whole lot easier if i were just honest with myself and others. 

I can't watch sex scenes in movies. I can't hear foul words about genitalia and sex. 

I can't see naked people because it will forever be engraved in my brain. 

I lust. I take action on those lusts. 

And i give up. 

I lay it all down completely to God because in the end He's the only one who can help me. He's the only one who can forgive me, because He's the only one who sees. 

I'm sorry if it's disgusting, but it's honest. 

It's my life, it's my struggles. 

My doubts. 

But i think the more openly i can say it on the internet, the more open with myself and others i can be as to why i have to have such boundaries.