I Will Laugh Again

I haven't written in a while and I think I just didn't really know what to say. The past few months have been filled with change, anxiety, sadness, excitement, and a lot of goodbyes.

Sometimes all of those things in the same day and even the same second if you would believe that.

Once we moved from The Station it was as if "goodbye" just became normal. And not even a "goodbye I'll see you tomorrow." They were goodbyes where friends moved back home, or to a different state.

I said goodbye to levels of friendship because we no longer had schedules that lined up and we couldn't hangout all the time.

I said goodbye to a dream I didn't even realize was a dream until it was over. Or paused.

I said goodbye to the most annoying yet most beautiful place to live ever. And it kills me to drive past it.

I held myself together for almost two months after we moved. I didn't cry. I didn't even think about it. I went about my business telling myself I was fine. It was fine. Everything is fine.

I guess pushing things down or away doesn't REALLY help. It just postpones the inevitable breakdown. It just shoves away the healthy reactions and they build up until one day you can't keep a lid on top anymore.

Honestly, I can't keep a lid on it anymore. I didn't take the time to let my feelings out as they came, and now I cry at anything. I think about the camp and I cry. I think about my mom and I cry. I think about being in Mammoth and I cry. Honestly ANYTHING.

And then I get annoyed at myself for crying. And then I cry more.

This may be one of the most vulnerable posts I have written. And I'm not even entirely sure if it's helpful. It's just what is.

I don't have answers, I just have the process and I have to keep moving. Because that's the only way to get through it.

I have to be okay with the fact that I cry every day. As long as I'm getting it out eventually it has to stop (fingers crossed). I have to be okay with where I am but I also need to have hope for where I am going and be okay with the actions I need to take to get there. Even if they are actions I never thought I would have to take.

It may take a good while, but there is a time for everything.

"a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance" Ecc 3:4.

I just need to keep moving. I need to keep pushing through, because one day I will laugh again.

In My Own Head

Two Weeks ago I wrote a blog post about getting to know people and it being extremely hard for me to say goodbye to those people. Last night I had a bit of an emotional episode.

This summer, friends have come back to work at The Station. People that I truly care about and quite honestly I feel as though I was just holding my breath waiting for them to come back.

For some reason I have allowed this future goodbye make me fall apart.

At every point where I am shut out or cut off from community and hanging out with people I feel a little twinge in my heart. Another opportunity to grow closer, missed.

I think that because I decided to open my heart to people and get to know them, my heart feels extremely exposed. It's like I went from feeling scared to open up, to being scared that I'm not opening up enough and I'm going to say goodbye to these amazing individuals again and it's going to ruin me.

I got in my head.

I allowed my mind to tell me that there isn't enough time.

I've allowed my own season coming to an end make me feel as though everything is.

It's as though I spoke out that I wanted to open up to people and get to know them even if goodbyes are hard, and then I'm faced with another huge goodbye that is going to suck.

A goodbye to friends. A goodbye to summer. A possible last summer at The Station. And a possible last summer in Mammoth. A possible goodbye to my home.

But if I start breaking down now, I can't have my last experience.

I can't live in the moment if I'm thinking of the last one we'll have.

So I need to stop.

Somehow.

I need to stop getting into my own head.

Laugh

"How wonderful is it that we laugh because our bodies cannot contain the joy"

---

This quote basically killed me today. You want to know why? Because I cannot even count the number of people that have apologized for the sound, or decibel of their laugh. Sometimes, me and a friend of mine drive around in my car and one of us will laugh ridiculously, and then it spirals out of control into this unspoken contest of who can make the stupidest sounding laugh. And you know what? We laughed.

I've apologized for my laugh. Sometimes I'll be at work and I'll laugh at a friends joke, loudly, and I look towards our bosses office scared that he'll come out and scold me for laughing. Even though he's never given me a reason to believe he would actually do such a thing. Why is it that I feel I need to apologize for laughing? Why does anyone feel that way? It's idiotic.

The only time that maybe I was justified for apologizing after a laugh, was on my first date when I laughed and water squirted out of my mouth. And I'm gonna be honest, that was probably my selling point, because I couldn't really shake him.

I love laughing. I love crying because I'm laughing so hard. You really know that something is funny if you are alone and you are rolling around on the floor cracking up. I'm sure my quadmates all thought I was crazy from all the laughs they heard down the hall because I think everything is funny.

I usually always get insecure when someone points out my laugh. And it's not even bad. Someone will be like, "I love your laugh." And then I overanalyze everything they could be talking about. The sound? How my face looks when I laugh? How I basically open my mouth fully and let the sound echo up and out from my diaphragm?

I don't get it. But I know that it's a compliment that I'm no longer going to let make me feel insecure.

Laughter is beautiful. It's probably one of the most amazing expressions of life. If you can make someone who is sad laugh, I think that you've done a great thing.

About two years ago in college, I remember struggling with myself and who I was. I remember I went through a time where I was even more insecure than I am now. I was sitting in one of my classes and all the sudden out of nowhere, like God was speaking right to my heart I heard Him say that he smiles when I laugh.

God smiles when I laugh. I understand now through that one quote that it's basically what it is. Joy escaping our lips because we cannot contain it. And why wouldn't God smile at His joyful children?

This is the most important thing. Knowing how to laugh and letting the joy consume you. Let your laugh echo in the late night hours. Let your stomach muscles clench so hard because you are laughing so hard. Let your laugh be and don't be insecure about it. God smiles when you laugh.