I am not ashamed.

On September 5th, I took my first antidepressant. I had been struggling with anxiety/depression almost every day for about three months. I had been working out regularly and eating pretty well, so I wasn’t sure why I was so anxious all the time.

Finally, after spending months trying to rule out certain things, I gave in.

I kept beating myself up because I was thinking it was something I was doing. Or wasn’t doing. So I went to the doctor.

Initially I didn’t want to.

I have grown up in the church. I have grown up surrounded by people telling me “not to claim it” when I’m sick. Or basically just feeling like I’m not believing hard enough if I’m not getting healed.

Don’t get me wrong. I am definitely a believer that God can heal. But I’m also a believer that God uses his children for healing. Including doctors. Including medicine. So instead of continuing to believe that medication meant I had failed, I went in and got some.

And you know what? It helped.

I had spent three months of my life, riddled with anxiety everyday. Losing myself in fear and panic. Getting depressed because I felt lost in this cycle of feeling good for a day and thinking I’d been healed only to wake up in a panic the next day.

Crying after a panic attack because I was so upset that it happened again. Asking people to pray for me almost daily. Crying out to God to fix me. To heal me. To help me.

All of this had ceased and I felt like I could breathe again. I could breathe. And I could be myself. People around me even started to notice that I seemed more like myself. Lighter.

All because of a tiny little pill made by someone whom God made.

Through this whole process, I was leading worship at my church. I was still walking with God. I was still a very strong believer.

And yet, word got back to me that someone I had trusted and told all this to, had told one of the pastors that they couldn't follow a worship leader that was on medication.

I share that not because I'm upset, but because sometimes when people get on medication, other people might question their credibility. Inside or outside the church.

And if you are one of those people who feel doubted and questioned, do not be discouraged or ashamed. There is nothing wrong with medication. There is nothing wrong with taking a step to help yourself. God does not condemn you. So don't listen to anyone else who tries to. 

But find the people who are going to love and support you through your process. The people you can run to when you have a bad day. The people who will always be praying for you. Find those people.

And never be ashamed.

Addictions

Addictions are our attempts to fill the void. 

Addiction is my attempt to fill the void in my heart. 

The loneliness, the impatience, the hurt. 

My past and my childhood basically set me up for a failure. It set me up to give in, to lose control, to have my life completely lost. 

My childhood set me up to have an addiction, a sexual addiction. 

As hard as it is to say, i was addicted, or am, or i don't know. 

Addiction in my life, is the thing i go to when i get lonely, or upset, or something i just figure i can get momentary pleasure out of. 

I even see it in others with drugs and drinking, even those that gamble. 

It completely tears you apart. And for what?!?

God made us in His image, an image that by giving in to addictions has been disgraced. 

Countless times, i give in to my addictions. 

No more than a minute later i feel so ashamed and wish that i could take the whole thing back. But i can't. 

I can be wiped clean. I can be forgiven. 

But it doesn't change the fact that i've done it again, and now it will be even more difficult for me to say no to it in the future. 

I think my life would be a whole lot easier if i were just honest with myself and others. 

I can't watch sex scenes in movies. I can't hear foul words about genitalia and sex. 

I can't see naked people because it will forever be engraved in my brain. 

I lust. I take action on those lusts. 

And i give up. 

I lay it all down completely to God because in the end He's the only one who can help me. He's the only one who can forgive me, because He's the only one who sees. 

I'm sorry if it's disgusting, but it's honest. 

It's my life, it's my struggles. 

My doubts. 

But i think the more openly i can say it on the internet, the more open with myself and others i can be as to why i have to have such boundaries.