Extra

For as long as I can remember I’ve believed that I’m not good enough.

Things were said to me as a child that I held on to. Lies that I took on as my identity.

The past four years have consisted of me trying to figure out the lies I’ve been believing and finding the truth to replace them.

It’s been a process. It’s not easy to get out of certain patterns of believing.

Honestly, that’s the biggest lie that tries to creep itself back into my mind, I am not good enough.

I think it’s the biggest lie we can all believe about ourselves.

It’s a root. And it grows into almost everything.

Like friendships.

And jobs.

Passions.

Because I struggle so much with not feeling good enough, I try and compensate for it.

I people please. To an unhealthy extent.

This means not saying “no.”

It means dancing around issues that I don’t want to address and cause conflict.

Not feeling good enough throws me into not being myself.

It means trying to fit into what I see as good. Not what God sees as good.

Not feeling good enough also makes me not want to try.

I have passions and things that I love to do and feel called to do, but I don’t do them.

I do destructive things that only further my feeling of not good enough.

But the thing is. It’s not anyone else telling me I’m not good enough.

It’s fear telling me I’m not good enough.

It’s fear telling me if I try I’ll fail.

It’s fear breathing down my neck in a conversation telling me my joke just flopped and everyone things I’m dumb.

It’s fear telling me I’m too afraid.

So I believe it. And I stop.

Being myself.

Doing what I love.

Trying.

Fighting.

I stop myself.

Because of fear.

Because it tells me I’m not good enough.

Recently I was challenged to think about the lies I believe and find a truth to replace it.

The lie: obviously, “i’m not good enough.”

As I was praying about it I felt God’s peace.

The truth: God made us good enough.

God has made us righteous.

“God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God.” 2 Corinthians 5:21

There’s nothing we could do or say to make ourselves good enough. Because He has already done it.

Everything else is just extra.

So be yourself.

Feel what you need to feel.

Step out in courage, because even if you fail this time, He’s got you.

Even if there’s rejection, He’s got you.

Follow your dreams and wake up each morning knowing that you were made good enough and anything you could do today is just extra.

I Am His and He is My King

Bound by chains, heavy as stones Pulling and dragging me back, to where I don't belong.

I pull and I fight, digging my heals to the core

But the chain slips through my fingers, I'm about to lose the war.

I'm tired, and my eyes fill with tears. I look to the sky and a wonderful king appears.

As he stands next to my accuser he begins to speak, and I stand there worthless, sinful, and weak.

They speak for a minute and the accuser gives in, the king smiles at me as the accuser puts MY chains on Him.

When the accuser pulls my king away,

he doesn't fight back but smiles and waves.

He whispered in my ear, just before he went

The softest sweetest voice, it was hard to know what he meant.

He said, "you were made for a purpose, you're beautiful and strong,

I've paid all your debt, my child run along.

Don't give in to the accuser's lies, or stray from the path and lose your life.

I love you my dear, so please choose me,

over pleasure, over sin, over the world, my child follow ME."

As the tears streamed down my face,

I knelt to the ground at such redeeming grace.

This king paid my debt with His life indeed.

This love, this mercy, all for me?

A king gave His life for a peasant and called me His child.

As excitement rushed through my veins I began to go wild!

I jumped to my feet, my king still in sight

I raced to His side, touched His hand, and was filled with light.

"My king I choose you!" I declared from my knees.

"My Father I love you! Remember me please!"

And my king reached out His shackled hand, and placed it on my heart.

"My child more than all the grains of sand, we shall never part."

I laid my head down at His feet,

And when I rose, He was nowhere to be seen.

I hear a soft whisper every now and then,

a reassuring "I love you" and I tear up again.

This love was so unfathomable, nothing can compare.

Yet sometimes I forget that he's even there.

But when I am in trouble, I know that he's around.

Paying all my debts, without even a sound.

He fought for my life, because it has a purpose.

So there is absolutely no reason to think I am worthless.

A king called me His own, His child, beautiful and strong.

I am His princess and in His kingdom I belong.

This world has nothing for me, but tricks and misery.

But my kings kingdom....

THAT... is where I was always meant to be.

Addictions

Addictions are our attempts to fill the void. 

Addiction is my attempt to fill the void in my heart. 

The loneliness, the impatience, the hurt. 

My past and my childhood basically set me up for a failure. It set me up to give in, to lose control, to have my life completely lost. 

My childhood set me up to have an addiction, a sexual addiction. 

As hard as it is to say, i was addicted, or am, or i don't know. 

Addiction in my life, is the thing i go to when i get lonely, or upset, or something i just figure i can get momentary pleasure out of. 

I even see it in others with drugs and drinking, even those that gamble. 

It completely tears you apart. And for what?!?

God made us in His image, an image that by giving in to addictions has been disgraced. 

Countless times, i give in to my addictions. 

No more than a minute later i feel so ashamed and wish that i could take the whole thing back. But i can't. 

I can be wiped clean. I can be forgiven. 

But it doesn't change the fact that i've done it again, and now it will be even more difficult for me to say no to it in the future. 

I think my life would be a whole lot easier if i were just honest with myself and others. 

I can't watch sex scenes in movies. I can't hear foul words about genitalia and sex. 

I can't see naked people because it will forever be engraved in my brain. 

I lust. I take action on those lusts. 

And i give up. 

I lay it all down completely to God because in the end He's the only one who can help me. He's the only one who can forgive me, because He's the only one who sees. 

I'm sorry if it's disgusting, but it's honest. 

It's my life, it's my struggles. 

My doubts. 

But i think the more openly i can say it on the internet, the more open with myself and others i can be as to why i have to have such boundaries.