Subconscious Check

They say that when we dream about certain things that it's our "subconscious trying to tell us something."

I have always somewhat believed that, except for my David dream, because I never felt like I had seen this person before.

But anyways, last night I had a weird dream.

My roommate was in it, our friend Michael (MOberle), and then the person that i've had a pretty steady crush on the past few weeks. 

In this dream we were in a school gym, or at least it had the vibe of a school gym. 

We were all hanging out in a little group and then something obnoxiously loud happened in the background. 

Then my roommate said, "when Michelle kisses someone I'm going to do that and embarrass her!" She's referring to the loud noises and screaming. 

Both the guys laugh and then Sara and I share a look and the guys ask what. 

I explain to them that, "I've never kissed anyone, that's why she would be making a big deal about it."

Then the guy I have a crush on says, "Well if your looking for someone to kiss..." 

Yeah, I know right. He's basically offering to be my first kiss. 

And what do I do? 

"Oh, nah..." I said a little unsure. 

And then realizing what I have done as he begins to back down, I go to say "well..." 

And then my alarm goes off and wakes me out of this dream where I make a complete idiot of myself. 

What the heck?!?!

Was my subconscious trying to tell me something? 

In the past i've been a little nonchalant about it, and sometimes I really just want to get it over with. 

Somehow my first kiss and my first boyfriend/relationship have become synonymous. 

They should be, I think. 

I don't want to go around kissing guys that I'm not going to date. 

But this dream, it completely threw me. Even in my dream I held to the fact that I really don't want to kiss someone just to kiss someone. 

It was a reassurance that I've been waiting for a reason. 

I have shared so many other things with people that should have waited. 

But this, this truly must wait. 

It's the last thing I have left to give. And I'm going to make it worth it. 

Transparent

Now that i've got myself all comfortable on my couch; room clean, tv show on, and the dorm doors unlocked to everyone. 

I can relax. 

Now that i've hidden every flaw of our room, every dirty sock, every chord sticking out from in front of the tv. 

Now that I'm "dressed" in my Halloween costume. 

Now that i have everything hidden that i don't want people to see.

I can show people the side of me that may not be so revolting. 

I think this is my life in a nutshell. 

I only walk out of my room into the world after i have hidden the blemishes, the belly pouch, the frizzies, the puffy eyes and possibly my frown. 

Why is it that i feel i have to be perfectly put together twenty-four seven? 

Why do we all think that?

Do we really think the world can't handle our bad sides? Our dark sides even? 

If we think people can't handle bad moods, a little bit of frizzy hair and sometimes the occasionally pimple, then we are destined to be a nuisance and alone for all of our lives. 

Think about it, i open up to only my close friends. But what if even they couldn't handle my faults, my flaws? 

I would wonder through, day by day, trying to deal with every frustration, every thought, all alone. 

What kind of world would this be? 

That's why i'm thankful that i have even those friends that will listen to my ramblings that don't always make sense. I'm thankful that i can be transparent with them, and sometimes cry in their arms for no good reason. 

Sometimes i wish i were more transparent, and open, and comfortable with people outside of these people i call close friends. 

What would the world be if we were all transparent and completely comfortable with one another, rather than trying to hide the faults and the ridiculous quirks that make us who we are? 

Let us be ourselves in a world of people always striving to be someone else. 

Let us be original, somewhat weird, and completely against conforming. 

Let us be transparent.