You Complete Me

What if there isn’t anyone for me? 

I think about this question sometimes. 

I’m not restless about finding someone to date and marry (anymore), but I would admit that it’s something that’s on my mind. 

Sometimes I think that growing up in the church put my focus more on my “future husband” than on my own future. I know that’s a strong statement. I’m not saying it’s every church, but sometimes I think the church puts a heavy emphasis on people finding mates.

To be honest, I can’t remember a time where I wasn’t thinking about who my “future husband” could be. 

It’s as if this became the most important thing to me. Finding him. 

At some point I think I stopped having my own dreams and just started only thinking about what my future would be like when I meet the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. 

I wanted to be a rockstar. A writer. A painter. 

I wanted to be Avril Lavigne. 

I wanted to be a spy. 

When I was a child, I didn’t dream about being someone’s wife. 

I dreamt about having a horse and hacking into the mainframe. 

I mean maybe I dreamt about having my own Sk8er Boi.

My identity became completely wrapped up in finding someone. In changing who I was to be what someone liked. I lost myself to try and find someone else. 

I’m twenty-seven years old now, and I finally feel like I know what my identity is. It’s not lost in a sea of things that I pretended to like or dislike. Or in my choice to wear makeup or not. Or if I end up with someone or not.

It’s lost in a God that loves me the way He made me. Who says I don’t have to change to be loved by Him. 

It’s crazy how far any of us could be from the truth, and yet God still loves us anyways. 

So now when I think about that question, “what if there isn’t anyone for me?”

I can immediately dismiss it. Because honestly who cares? 

As long as God is for me and I am for me, does it really matter? 

Of course God said it’s not good for man to be alone, but He made us for Him. Other’s aren’t made to complete us. That’s His job.

How is it possible, that I can't stop caring?

Somewhere along the way, I think I lost my ability for self-preservation. I think I've lost my ability to say no, and I've lost my hope that anything can come of all this.

I get to the point where I would fight for you. I would defend you with every last breath, even if they are right. Even if everything they say is true. I would defend you.

Not a day goes by where you don't mention some girl who means a little bit more to you, at least for that second.

I'm back and forth, up and down, and yet, you're always there, and I'm always wanting you to be.

I always want you to be there. Hear your voice. See your smile when you're making fun of me.

You infuriate me more than most, and yet you make me smile a lot more than the rest.

You make awful things seem cool and sometimes you wishing to seem cool to others makes me feel awful.

I think that you don't get it. You don't understand how truly great you are. You don't see how your big heart could be meant for someone who is going to appreciate it, instead of young girls who are going to use it for their benefit.

I so desperately want you to see what I see.

I want you to see the dedication, the drive, the heart, the light and the beauty that I see in you.

You are so much better than trying to fit in with the people who will never be what you truly need. The people who live the lifestyle because they don't know what real love truly is. God's love.

And you know His love. You can be such a light for His love. You can spread hope, and joy, and you can be so much more than just someone who tries to fit into the mold that the world has set before you.

You are so much better than this. You deserve so much more than this.

Yes I've said all this before. You don't know the extent of my heart behind it, but you know that I care. At least there's that.

I care about you. I care if you get hurt, or if there's a girl you're interested in who is seriously not good enough for you. I care if your dreams come true. I care if you leave and I care if you stay. I care...

Forever Best Friend

It's getting to that point in my life where it's more evident that certain friendships wont last. 

I'm almost at the very end of my college career and after graduation everyone will disperse. 

I know people moving to different cities and states, doing the things they were born to do!

It's so exciting to see everyone following their dreams. 

I always end up stopping to think about myself in these times, I think of myself a lot actually. I'm an extremely selfish self absorbed person but I don't think people notice much because I'm not verbal about it. 

But anyways, I think about my dreams, and my life here at this wonderful college that has contributed to a significant amount of growth for me. 

I think of all the friendships that will probably fade away, and I think to the hopes that I have always had, the hopes that I would find someone here to be a forever best friend. 

I always wanted to meet someone, you know? The one. The one person I want to be with above all else. The one person who makes me feel safe, or reassured. The one person who can send me one small text saying "good morning" and immediately my day would be made. The person who would let me use their jacket and then "forget" to get it back from me. 

I wanted to meet someone who would be with me forever. The friendship that never truly ends. 

I wanted to meet someone that I never got tired of spending time with. I wanted to meet someone who makes me laugh until it literally feels as though I should have a six pack. I wanted someone who would go on drives with me and tease me and let me tease him right back. 

I'm an idealist. What can I say? 

I wanted to meet the man of my dreams. The man who was somewhat innocent and sweet and there for me. 

My time here was spent pining over guys that were never going to like me. I told God I wouldn't date my first year here because I wanted to be sure that finding a man wasn't the reason I chose to come to this school. Now i'm not so sure it wasn't the reason. My whole life I have wanted that person, why would it ever change, especially in college when everyone is around the same age and all trying to figure themselves out. Knowing that it would have happened in whatever school I chose is a little bit comforting though. 

But I got here and no joke, a month later I started talking to someone. He seemed like a really cool guy and like he loved Jesus. We ended up having a DTR that took place at the most popular DTR spot, the "foursquares." I told him I liked him and then asked if he liked me and he said yes. But because I wasn't dating anyone for a year that was it. We hung out all the time still, walking the lines of friendship and dating. He would text me good morning, and he let me use his jacket and I left it next to my pillow and it smelled like him. I let him drive my truck, which that itself was me being vulnerable. I would grab at the rubber band on his wrist to snap it because I knew he would grab my hand and try to make me stop. Then we would sit there for a few seconds and let go. It was in those little moments where I could feel the butterflies the most. I realized a few weeks in to whatever the hell that was, that he wasn't the person I thought he was. I told him that I only liked him as a friend and the same day he told me he was dropping out and going home. A few weeks later I saw him change his religion on Facebook to Atheist. Dodged a bullet? Yeah I think so. 

But you see, that was the only thing I ever had that was close to a relationship, or close to what I wanted. 

Don't get me wrong, I have friends. I have wonderful friends who are beautiful and kind and hilarious. They are there for me and I try my hardest to be there for them too. But once your friends get their "someones" and decide that they want to make those "someones" their forever best friends, there isn't much room left for you. You get to attend the parties and toast to a wonderful couple and then you send them off saying goodbye to a little bit of that friendship you will never get back. And that's life. 

I wanted to find my forever best friend here. The one person who I could be completely honest to. The one person who would call me out when I need it, or comfort me when I need it. The person who would love me for me and think that i'm hilarious even when my jokes or stories fall short of even a pity laugh. The person would be sweet enough to want to pay for the tickets even though I asked. The person who would truly understand me. 

I think all I've ever wanted was for someone to understand me. To see me for who I am. I want someone to look at my expression and know what it means. I want someone to ask me if i'm okay and it not piss me off. Only one person has ever succeeded at this. 

I wanted the person who would think of me as more than just someone they saw around campus. More than just the girl who would say hi in passing. I wanted that friendship, with the jokes, and the laughter, and the slowly falling for one another. You know the slowly, but then all at once stuff. I wanted to build a friendship and then it turn into more. I wanted something that would last longer than the four years of college. I wanted something that wouldn't disappear the second we walk across the stage and flip our tassels. 

I wanted my forever best friend. But wanting something so bad it hurts still doesn't make it show up any faster than it's perfect timing. 

I wanted my forever best friend. I will always want my forever best friend. That longing will never go away. I am convinced that the anticipation is killing me. But it will never diminish the joy I will feel when I can look at the people I love on that day, the day I make my best friend my forever best friend, and tell them that he was worth the waiting. 

Subconscious Check

They say that when we dream about certain things that it's our "subconscious trying to tell us something."

I have always somewhat believed that, except for my David dream, because I never felt like I had seen this person before.

But anyways, last night I had a weird dream.

My roommate was in it, our friend Michael (MOberle), and then the person that i've had a pretty steady crush on the past few weeks. 

In this dream we were in a school gym, or at least it had the vibe of a school gym. 

We were all hanging out in a little group and then something obnoxiously loud happened in the background. 

Then my roommate said, "when Michelle kisses someone I'm going to do that and embarrass her!" She's referring to the loud noises and screaming. 

Both the guys laugh and then Sara and I share a look and the guys ask what. 

I explain to them that, "I've never kissed anyone, that's why she would be making a big deal about it."

Then the guy I have a crush on says, "Well if your looking for someone to kiss..." 

Yeah, I know right. He's basically offering to be my first kiss. 

And what do I do? 

"Oh, nah..." I said a little unsure. 

And then realizing what I have done as he begins to back down, I go to say "well..." 

And then my alarm goes off and wakes me out of this dream where I make a complete idiot of myself. 

What the heck?!?!

Was my subconscious trying to tell me something? 

In the past i've been a little nonchalant about it, and sometimes I really just want to get it over with. 

Somehow my first kiss and my first boyfriend/relationship have become synonymous. 

They should be, I think. 

I don't want to go around kissing guys that I'm not going to date. 

But this dream, it completely threw me. Even in my dream I held to the fact that I really don't want to kiss someone just to kiss someone. 

It was a reassurance that I've been waiting for a reason. 

I have shared so many other things with people that should have waited. 

But this, this truly must wait. 

It's the last thing I have left to give. And I'm going to make it worth it.