I am not ashamed.

On September 5th, I took my first antidepressant. I had been struggling with anxiety/depression almost every day for about three months. I had been working out regularly and eating pretty well, so I wasn’t sure why I was so anxious all the time.

Finally, after spending months trying to rule out certain things, I gave in.

I kept beating myself up because I was thinking it was something I was doing. Or wasn’t doing. So I went to the doctor.

Initially I didn’t want to.

I have grown up in the church. I have grown up surrounded by people telling me “not to claim it” when I’m sick. Or basically just feeling like I’m not believing hard enough if I’m not getting healed.

Don’t get me wrong. I am definitely a believer that God can heal. But I’m also a believer that God uses his children for healing. Including doctors. Including medicine. So instead of continuing to believe that medication meant I had failed, I went in and got some.

And you know what? It helped.

I had spent three months of my life, riddled with anxiety everyday. Losing myself in fear and panic. Getting depressed because I felt lost in this cycle of feeling good for a day and thinking I’d been healed only to wake up in a panic the next day.

Crying after a panic attack because I was so upset that it happened again. Asking people to pray for me almost daily. Crying out to God to fix me. To heal me. To help me.

All of this had ceased and I felt like I could breathe again. I could breathe. And I could be myself. People around me even started to notice that I seemed more like myself. Lighter.

All because of a tiny little pill made by someone whom God made.

Through this whole process, I was leading worship at my church. I was still walking with God. I was still a very strong believer.

And yet, word got back to me that someone I had trusted and told all this to, had told one of the pastors that they couldn't follow a worship leader that was on medication.

I share that not because I'm upset, but because sometimes when people get on medication, other people might question their credibility. Inside or outside the church.

And if you are one of those people who feel doubted and questioned, do not be discouraged or ashamed. There is nothing wrong with medication. There is nothing wrong with taking a step to help yourself. God does not condemn you. So don't listen to anyone else who tries to. 

But find the people who are going to love and support you through your process. The people you can run to when you have a bad day. The people who will always be praying for you. Find those people.

And never be ashamed.

Living as though I have a million dollars.

Last year at some point, the camps bookkeeper and I decided that we wanted to buy lottery tickets. One day we were just sitting in the office dreaming up all the things the camp could do if it had the money.

A new lodge building. State of the art kitchen. Real staff housing (which I took a little offense to since I love the Staffhouse). So much more.

We both dreamed of what each of us would do if we had the money. A lot of my things were just normal things, with me being out of debt from my student loans.

So we went out and bought some. We didn't win anything. Obviously.

Then after we stopped talking about it I just let the idea die. And I let some of the dreams die too. Even the ridiculous ones that seemed too far-fetched even if I was rich.

It's been a year and our bookkeeper brought it up that she was going to go buy more tickets. And it put the idea in my head again.

So I went on my own and bought more tickets.

Last night I sat in my room dreaming again. What would I do if I had a million dollars?

And again, I realized that not much was different. The dreams were the same.

I wanted to do music, and be a part of a studio or something along those lines. And a couple of other things. But the main point being I don't actually need a million dollars to do them.

The million dollars is incentive. It's the safety net.

The idea that I can go off and take risks and do whatever I want because at least I'll be taken care of if things don't turn out how I thought.

But why would I wait if it's something I really want to do?

No one is going to drop a million dollars in your lap. For the longest time I thought of the things I would do with a million dollars, but realized I'd actually have to go out and buy a ticket to even get a shot at it.

I  realized that I don't take enough risks. I'm scared of being uncomfortable, and to actually work for something I want. Because I'm scared if it doesn't work out that I'll be running home to my parents house with my tail between my legs.

I'm scared of failure. And this is because of a lack of confidence in myself, and a lack of trust in my God.

Everything about this coming season is up in the air. The camp's lease is up in May and I'm not sure what I'm going to be doing. Where I'm going to live. If I even want to stay in Mammoth if The Station isn't here. It's been a lot to process.

It's been a lot to be overwhelmed about, I should say. And I've let myself get overwhelmed. Because I haven't been trusting God that he's going to take care of me.

I've been walking around only making choices that I know I can control. Which I think is why I ended up in Mammoth in the first place. I wasn't planning on moving here.

I had quit my job to take a position at the camp I grew up at and came to Mammoth to visit a friend. But I think deep down that God knew I would never just up and quit my job to move somewhere I had never been before. I always needed that safety net made by me.

So here I am now. Stuck in this place of wanting to stay but wanting to start the next chapter of my life. Wanting to be around all my close friends, and also wanting new scenery.

Last week I sent out an email out to a woman who works at Bethel. I told her about how much I loved the Bethel Music studio and how I really wanted to work there. And basically just reached out saying I will take anything you have to give me.

I started the email to her never expecting a reply.

Now in a week I will be having a phone interview with her to talk about possible internships. And I have no idea what to do or what to say.

I mean, I'm still kind of committed at the camp. Two of my friends are moving in next week and we have winter camps booked and I'm supposed to be the cook.

But I stopped today and took a second to think about it. I thought about what I really wanted and not what I was just willing to do to avoid causing others any problems.

And I asked myself, "What would I do if I had a million dollars?"

I saw myself going.

Choosing to go and choosing to trust that God will take care of the rest. Because he always has.

It's funny how sometimes it takes forever to truly realize what already have.

And I already have my safety net. Because God will always be there to catch me.

In a way. I've always had my million dollars.

Hard Goodbyes

A couple of weeks ago, we had a ministry meeting at the camp. This meeting included the two staff members, the three guys living with us, and my boss and her family.

It was an amazing time of our fearless leader opening up about her crazy awesome testimony to three guys who don't necessarily believe in God.

Once the sharing time was over, she had us all go around in a circle and say what we liked about each other. (Undercover prophetic words if you will).

When it came to my turn for everyone to tell me what they liked about me, it was all good stuff, but there was one thing that stayed on my heart and mind. There was a lot said about how people wished I had opened up more.

I brushed it off that night, but a couple of days later I brought it up to my friend Rachel. "I didn't realize that I was so closed off..." In a moment of full vulnerability and letting go of previously conceived thoughts about myself, I allowed my friend to speak words into my life.

There were a lot of tears, and a lot of things that were brought up that stung, but in the end I had gotten down to what the issue was.

I had been so conditioned by words, and judgment from my childhood, that I expected everyone I met to have judged me before I even spoke, and decide that I wasn't good enough. This is why when I meet people I don't necessarily open up right away, or sometimes even talk. I've been so scared of what people are going to think of me. I have hesitated with friendships or conversations because of a false judgment I put on myself.

"Oh well they'll think this..."

"They probably think that I'm..."

"They are too cool to talk to me..."

I doubt myself. I have lacked this confidence in who I am, since I was a little girl being called names on the playground.

So it shouldn't have been a surprise to me that these new guys felt as though I wasn't opening up. It's because I wasn't. I was hiding. I didn't want them to see me because I was scared the real me wasn't good enough.

After this conversation, I made a decision. I was going to open up to them, even if it was utterly terrifying.

And because of this I had an amazing last week and a half with them.

I even offered to drive them to San Francisco. I made a nine hour road trip with three guys I had only known a month, two of which didn't speak much english.

One of them actually became a huge encourager to me. He was honestly the hardest one to say goodbye to.

I hugged them all and I drove home.

As I drove, I started crying. These three guys had become part of a family in our house. Always there. Always joking around. I already missed them.

It was such a hard goodbye.

And yet, the only thing that I regret, was not opening up to them sooner.

You Believed In Me.

Not a day goes by where I don't think about you. Miss you. I think about all the conversations and all the encouragements, and I never forget how you believed in me.

You always told me to forget the world and prove them wrong.

You told me that what I had to offer was amazing, and it was worthy.

You encouraged my voice and told me how to break out and use it.

You seemed safe enough. And to my surprise you still are.

Even the memory of you holds it's own encouragement, that people like you exist.

You hold me to my dreams. You call out the gold and God never even told you to.

Somehow, along the way, you believing in me caused me to believe in myself.

I feel my value, and my confidence in that value growing.

Something I don't remember is ever feeling like I disappointed you.

You never called me condemned, but you convicted in a loving way.

After all of this, I sit here and still write to you. Letters, poems, songs.

I write and I do so because you inspire me. I do so because you told me how much I could do. You always told me there was more, and to reach for the stars.

So you are not here, and even though I'm sad, I'm living.

I'm living life, dreaming of my future and dreaming up things I never would have dreamed up.

And I do so, because you believed in me.

Switzerland: Day 11

Laax is WONDERFUL!!!

Seriously. From the minute Amanda and I sat on the balcony of our temporary home we've been in love.

This little town is one of the most beautiful places I've ever been. The mountains are just crazy and the open land somewhat reminds me of home.

This part of the trip is where I got to meet all the people I heard so much about from people at home. They are all incredibly wonderful.

We went to lunch and then hiked down to a lake where I took so many pictures and Amanda waded in the water and accidentally cut her heal.

On our hike back up we found a cool tire swing.

Amanda and Abi had a lot of fun on that one.

After making our way back up and out we went to the market and made dinner for the leaders of the Laax Lighthouse.

To end the night we encouraged them and prophesied over them.

Today is day 12 and our last full day in Switzerland. Tomorrow morning we'll be heading back to Zürich to fly home. I don't know how much time I'll have to write a blog post for today, but I know that a lot is going to happen at our Lighthouse church meeting tonight at The Livingroom coffee shop.

Switzerland has been truly amazing, and even though I'm home sick, I am going to be very sad to leave.

Switzerland: Day 7

Our second day in Davos was pretty laid back. Abi and I woke up after breakfast because we stayed up pretty late, but we had orange juice and apples in our room and that was sufficient enough for breakfast.

Then we headed to the YWAMs class where they recapped all that happened last night. Students had stories about prophesying over strangers and getting to encourage people.

Hearing their stories was truly amazing because a lot of them lined up with the MLSSM students stories.

Abi and I had given words to this teenage boy who Amanda and a YWAM girl Felicia had gotten to encourage. Then I found out that another student Max had given the same word to one of the girls I had walked up to and given a word to.

It was all just so amazing.

After lunch the MLSSM team headed into town to one of Jamie's favorite coffee shops. Amazing. The food was great and the coffee was even better.

Following that we went to a designer store called Freitag where literally everything sold there is made out of the tarps that go on the side of the semi truck trailers. It sounded a little weird to me at first too, but it was so awesome. Though sadly too expensive.

We made our way home and arrived almost right in time for dinner and then had a night of worship.

The night of worship was the perfect end to a pretty perfect day. But now onto the next.

Switzerland: Day 3

Today was the day we all travelled to stay in Zürich. We took a bus, a train, a cable car, and walked up an extremely steep hill to the home in which we were staying on the fourth floor.

Needless to say our legs are killing us.

We arrived for brunch that consisted of potatoes, cheese, eggs, more bread, and lovely coffee.

No words can describe the feeling I get when I'm around these people.

You'd think it would be awkward being surrounded by people who are speaking Swiss-German to each other but surprisingly enough I have felt right at home.

Every single gathering has been amazing. It's felt like the longtime awaited family reunion that no one wanted to leave. And it was wonderful.

We did however have to say bye to our lovely hosts from Uster, which wasn't the best, but we know we have made good friends that we can always think about when we think of this amazing place.

We also had to say goodbye, temporarily, to our fearless leaders as they left early to make the way to Davos. This was just minutes after their son let me hold him for a large amount of time. And I am convinced that he will love me by the end of the trip.

After an afternoon jaunt around the nearby streets and a bit of time editing the many photos I took, we had dinner with the housemates. Wonderful spaghetti and salad. Not something I was expecting in Switzerland, but as an Italian I did enjoy the meal.

A session of being prayed for by the Swiss, and a coat of nail polish later and we are all in bed ready to face tomorrow, which will consist of a tour around town, hopefully some good coffee and a good time with my team.

What You See is Not What Everyone Else Sees

This morning I woke up with my bun on the very top of my head and at least half of my hair had fallen out from the bottom. In that moment, I knew it was going to be a bad hair day.

My hair was greasy, and my part was now, thanks to my bun, indecipherable.

I finally got ready and did my best to style my hair, ending up with it in a pony tail.

I did my make-up and I picked out my outfit for the day.

Feeling fine with myself, I made my way across the property to the camp office and began my weekly task of cleaning the office.

I was sweeping when one of my roommates walked in to ask me a question.

As they were making their way out the door they stopped and said "you are having a good hair day. What's different?"

And then I say hesitantly, "It's in a pony tail."

"Oh." He replied, "I like it. You wearing make-up?"

"Yes." I say.

"Lipstick?" He asked further.

"Yup." I reply, now just completely taken aback.

"I like it." He said and then turned and left.

As I continued sweeping I felt my "feeling fine" mood lift off of me, and I felt full on happy with how the day had turned out.

There were two things that I realized through this experience.

One being that you never know how someone is feeling about themselves. I was feeling basically crappy about how my hair looked today and then now I feel great.

Because someone went out on a limb and decided to compliment me, I instantly felt better. So we should never hold back when trying to encourage people.

Two being that people see us very differently then we see ourselves. We are our own worst critic, and somehow sometimes we don't think good things about ourselves, when on the opposite end people could think the world of us.

We could think we look crappy as hell, and then people tell us that we need to keep doing what we're doing because we look great. What even is that?

As I begin to walk out this newfound confidence in the fact that I am totally and completely ridiculous when it comes to overthinking my appearance, I hope that you realize that people see you very differently then you see yourself.

So when you look in the mirror just remember, what you see is not what everyone else sees.

Transparent

Now that i've got myself all comfortable on my couch; room clean, tv show on, and the dorm doors unlocked to everyone. 

I can relax. 

Now that i've hidden every flaw of our room, every dirty sock, every chord sticking out from in front of the tv. 

Now that I'm "dressed" in my Halloween costume. 

Now that i have everything hidden that i don't want people to see.

I can show people the side of me that may not be so revolting. 

I think this is my life in a nutshell. 

I only walk out of my room into the world after i have hidden the blemishes, the belly pouch, the frizzies, the puffy eyes and possibly my frown. 

Why is it that i feel i have to be perfectly put together twenty-four seven? 

Why do we all think that?

Do we really think the world can't handle our bad sides? Our dark sides even? 

If we think people can't handle bad moods, a little bit of frizzy hair and sometimes the occasionally pimple, then we are destined to be a nuisance and alone for all of our lives. 

Think about it, i open up to only my close friends. But what if even they couldn't handle my faults, my flaws? 

I would wonder through, day by day, trying to deal with every frustration, every thought, all alone. 

What kind of world would this be? 

That's why i'm thankful that i have even those friends that will listen to my ramblings that don't always make sense. I'm thankful that i can be transparent with them, and sometimes cry in their arms for no good reason. 

Sometimes i wish i were more transparent, and open, and comfortable with people outside of these people i call close friends. 

What would the world be if we were all transparent and completely comfortable with one another, rather than trying to hide the faults and the ridiculous quirks that make us who we are? 

Let us be ourselves in a world of people always striving to be someone else. 

Let us be original, somewhat weird, and completely against conforming. 

Let us be transparent.