This is why I'm single...

When I went home for Thanksgiving last month, I had an amazing time being with family and I even got to meet a few new members of it. The one tiny detail about me being the last single person in my family is not lost on me. It's basically my uncle and me and then everyone else with kids.

As the night went on, I underwent all the "are you dating anyone?" questions, and of course informed everyone that, no, I was not dating anyone, but would send out a group message once I was.

This of course isn't that big of a deal to me.

But then, later after dinner we all sat and watched the little ones play.

Everything went a little chaotic for a second with the kids and my uncle looked at me and made a comment about us choosing the right way. Or simple way. Or basically the way that prevented us both from sitting there with crazy kids to take care of.

Without missing a beat I said "You say it as if I had a choice."

It wasn't until this moment where it was like, oh wow. So that's how I really feel.

I've been living my life "single" and doing what I feel God is leading me to do, but deep down as I watch everyone else around me find love, get married and make babies it just makes me wonder, when is it my turn?

I'm not upset about it. But I do wonder.

So I may or may not have bought the book "Loveology" by John Mark Comer.

If I have all this time as a single person, I'm sure as heck going to prepare myself for what's to come.

So I'm reading through this book, and in the back of my head I just hear the whining "why am I single?" You know. Like one of those thoughts you don't give yourself permission to think.

Page after page, of wonderful insight by the way, and I found it.

"The point of marriage isn't to find our missing half. It's to help each other become all that God intended. Our future, real selves. In marriage, two people partner to that end. They see the best in each other -- the person God created them to be -- and they push and pull each other toward that goal.

Don't get married because you think he or she is "the one." Trust me, they're not. There's no such thing! But do get married when you see who God is making somebody to be, and it lights you up. When you want to be a part of that story of transformation. That journey to the future. When you are well aware it will be a long and bumpy ride, but you don't want to miss one mile. Because you believe in God's calling on them, and you want in."

Okay. I'm not going to lie to you. I definitely started crying when I read this.

It was this moment of clarity.

Then suddenly all the crushes, almost boyfriends, and people that I gave a second glance to came rushing through my mind. There was a reason I never allowed myself to let anything become more than it was. It's not that there was a lack of opportunity, but there was a lack of future.

It honestly put my mind at ease when I realized that I had finally found the reason why I didn't have anyone. But it was also the reason why I didn't want anyone.

I have not felt this way about anyone that has ever crossed my path.

You know you have crushes and sometimes you have opportunities to speak up and say something, but you don't. Somewhere deep down inside you know this is just a crush, and it wouldn't actually go anywhere. I like them, but the future I see for them is not a future that I want.

Sometimes I think when we're single we start thinking about all the things that could be wrong with who we are. The reasons why people don't pursue us. We start doubting ourselves and believing lies about who we are only because guys aren't dropping at our feet telling us how amazing we are.

Maybe it's just the same for them? They think you're great, but you are not someone they want their future with. It doesn't have to be made into some self-hating thing. (I am mostly speaking to myself here.)

So someone doesn't want to waste your time! Why are you complaining?

I would most definitely rather not have guys pursue me for the sake of pursuing.

If I have to wait in complete silence from men, for the one person who sees my heart and where my future leads and wants in, then it was worth it.

So until that happens. This is why I'm single...

Living for the Future

Have you ever gotten so caught up in plans, and ideas for your future that it just completely consumes everything you are? Lately, I've been so focused on what will be that I don't take a second to look at what is.

Last night our team got some pretty upsetting news. That we most likely will not be here next summer.

Now I believe that God does miracles and I'm all for seeing The Station being one, but I can't not make plans for my future.

Where will I live? What mediocre job will I take to replace the awesome one I have now? How can I still be a part of something bigger that matters?

So many questions swirling around in my brain. So many thoughts.

Thoughts like how much I hate job hunting, and how there really aren't affordable places to rent in Mammoth and I definitely lucked out with what I have.

These questions seem so overwhelming. But in the midst of the chaos in my brain, I took a second to stop and look around.

I somehow halted the perforating thoughts for long enough to breathe and be thankful for the now.

Gazing around our crowded lodge at all the campers and staff, I had this moment. I was grateful.

I was so happy that all these people are here and that I get to be a part of this.

This place was once my bosses dream, and for the past nine years she has been walking it out. She has fought and trudged through way worse things than just being snowed into the staffhouse.

Not only has she chosen to not give up, but she chooses each day to believe that there is something new God wants to show her.

So as I try to slow my mind and tell it the future will come and have worries of its own, I must also look to my King as He tells me "be still and know that I am God."

Know that He has everything covered.

Know that my wildest dreams don't even come close to the plans that He has for me.

And know that as I walk, stumble, fall, freak out, and hope to God my future isn't as hard as it's seeming to be, that He will always love me just as I am.

Here's to living for the future while being completely consumed by the now, and trusting that God will tell me when one becomes the other.

People Matter

Right now I have two good friends who are on their way to visit me. One I have known for about four years and the other I've known of for four years but only became really close with this summer.

Last night I was talking to her about how I've basically isolated myself since being home, no old friends, no new ones. Just work and I've barely been invested in church.

She told me that when she first got married she felt very isolated too, until we started hanging out.

It's funny how you end up bonding with people right when you need someone the most.

I needed someone. And she made an effort to be my friend, and invite me over even if we just watched tv.

She needed someone. And I made the effort to get to know her better, and to be honest, she became my best friend.

I think that sometimes we don't think things mattered until someone tells you.

Recently I hung out with an old close friend, the first time since I've been home. I met her at her house where her father was too and he started questioning why I haven't been around.

Come to find out later, my friend had thought that I didn't want to be close with her because I hadn't reached out to hang out since being home.

I felt terrible.

Honestly.

This girl that was my favorite person when we were kids and still to this day, thought that I didn't like her.

She only told me this after I told her that I would consider her a close friend until the day I die.

I think we don't tell people they matter enough.

I've been home for almost four months, and I haven't attended my old church, and I haven't seen anyone from there.

They all know that I'm back.

After this realization with my friend, I thought about it.

These people, that always supported me and loved me and even helped me pay for school, probably think that I want nothing to do with them.

When really all I needed was time, and they pushed, and I withdrew. Until I had fully isolated myself into a workout, work, tv show, sleep stupor.

That's when I made my decision to go back, and to look the people that love me in the eye and tell them how much they actually do matter to me, despite my actions.

I've lived my life and had many different types of friendships.

Toxic friendships. Loving friendships. Shallow friendships. Healthy friendships. You name it.

But the ones that I always remember are the ones that mattered.

The ones that were natural, not forced.

The ones that spiraled into every summer day running around looking for adventure.

The ones that brought equal growth. Where you challenge each other and even have to be brutally honest but it works, and you both thrive.

The ones that teach you life lessons, which may hurt, and it may end, but it was a lesson nonetheless.

People have always told me things about myself; that i'm mysterious, that I'm "cool, calm, and collected," that I'm stoic.

Whatever the heck that means.

But I think the fact that I'm not very vocal about certain things makes it hard for people to understand.

I thrive on relationships. I love my friends.

But I NEED to tell them. I need to let them know how much I truly cherish their presence in my life, and their existence altogether.

I need to smile more to reassure that I'm having a good time.

I need to let them know they matter.

We need to let the people in our lives know they matter.

Lets say it until we sound like a broken record, and then keep going.

"I love you."

"I'm thankful for you in my life."

"You matter to me."

"Thank you for being my friend when I desperately needed one."

It's important. People are important. Tell them.

Transparent

Now that i've got myself all comfortable on my couch; room clean, tv show on, and the dorm doors unlocked to everyone. 

I can relax. 

Now that i've hidden every flaw of our room, every dirty sock, every chord sticking out from in front of the tv. 

Now that I'm "dressed" in my Halloween costume. 

Now that i have everything hidden that i don't want people to see.

I can show people the side of me that may not be so revolting. 

I think this is my life in a nutshell. 

I only walk out of my room into the world after i have hidden the blemishes, the belly pouch, the frizzies, the puffy eyes and possibly my frown. 

Why is it that i feel i have to be perfectly put together twenty-four seven? 

Why do we all think that?

Do we really think the world can't handle our bad sides? Our dark sides even? 

If we think people can't handle bad moods, a little bit of frizzy hair and sometimes the occasionally pimple, then we are destined to be a nuisance and alone for all of our lives. 

Think about it, i open up to only my close friends. But what if even they couldn't handle my faults, my flaws? 

I would wonder through, day by day, trying to deal with every frustration, every thought, all alone. 

What kind of world would this be? 

That's why i'm thankful that i have even those friends that will listen to my ramblings that don't always make sense. I'm thankful that i can be transparent with them, and sometimes cry in their arms for no good reason. 

Sometimes i wish i were more transparent, and open, and comfortable with people outside of these people i call close friends. 

What would the world be if we were all transparent and completely comfortable with one another, rather than trying to hide the faults and the ridiculous quirks that make us who we are? 

Let us be ourselves in a world of people always striving to be someone else. 

Let us be original, somewhat weird, and completely against conforming. 

Let us be transparent.