I Move to Be With My Father

Chapel today was a huge wake up call. Well, at least more than usual. 

This woman spoke about her experience with going to Indonesia to love on women who are being sold into prostitution daily. 

After telling us this amazing story of love and compassion, she reads a letter she wrote to the school about compassion. 

A letter that is full of conviction to move. A letter that told the whole school that we need to move out with compassion. 

We need to be where the Father is. 

Like in the story of the Prodigal Son, the other son who stayed and was faithful, though he was doing what his father was asking of him, his father wasn't even there. The son was in the house doing who knows what, and the father was moved by compassion to go to his returning son and to celebrate his coming home. 

She spoke about this moving because of compassion. She tells us that we all desire this comfortable home, but that God will not be there, he won't give us this comfort. He wont be in the house with the fireplace and the warm cozy couch. He will be out in the road in the wind, waiting for us to follow because of compassion, to follow because we know the Lord isn't there anymore. God has moved, and we need to follow Him with compassion. 

Yesterday, i was speaking to one of my pastors, the one from Massachusetts. And i basically poured out my heart to her telling her i had no idea what i was going to do. Then she asked what my options were, and i told her either go to Massachusetts where every bit of me would be stretched and shaped and grown, or go home. At home i would have the comfort of my family and my friends, but at Massachusetts i would be where i would grow.

I told her that in the past, i've always made decisions that would cause the most growth. This message was the perfect thing that i could have heard today. The "home" that this woman spoke of today, is the city of Hollister for me. The smooth country road, and the past, and everything i know. And going out, is this place in Massachusetts, where i would finally be forced to start living my dreams, where i would move to be with my Father. I can't stay in Hollister because that's not where my Father is anymore, He's moved out, and moved on to more, and i need to follow Him. Because if there is one thing i will always do in my life, i move to be with my Father.  

Dream With Me

Today i was in my Organizational Dynamic class. It may sound boring... and well, it kind of is sometimes, but this class was actually interesting. 

We talked about certain types of motivational theories in the organizations. Motivation, something that propels you to do something. Kind of. 

So, i'm sitting there in class and i'm thinking about my future, and how i basically expect these opportunities to be handed to me. I want to be a recording artist, but i'm not perfecting my songs or trying to record them on my school's campus where it's free. I want to be a writer, but i've yet to finish any of the books i've started writing. And i have an amazing opportunity to go to Massachusetts, and i'm expecting some other thing to come along and take my mind off of the overly humid but lovely home of the Patriots. 

I need to get off my butt and do something. I need to make decisions, and make plans, and work harder than i am. 

I need to charge forward and hope for the best. I need to have faith that once i throw myself out there that everything i need will be provided for if i make room for God to provide. I need to plant the seeds and wait for the rain. I need to prepare for what God is going to bring. 

So as i'm sitting there in my classroom, i have this surge of motivation. This motivation that nothing can stop me. That i know whatever decision i make i can still live my dreams if i work really hard to make them happen. 

Dreams don't fall into your lap. Is basically what i've been learning this year. Dreams don't just happen. You will rarely find someone who tells you they are living their dreams, but didn't do anything to get there. 

So this is the beginning. This is where the motivation starts. Where i can begin to live my dreams, by working my butt off to get there. 

Where is home?

Is home where you were born? 

Is home where your family is?

Is home where your friends are?

Is home where your heart leads you to to make you grow?

Is home where you interned once, and felt like you were living your dreams leading worship and you can't forget any face that you encountered there?

Guys, i'm struggling. Really bad. 

I think i wanted to just back out. 

I have this amazing opportunity to go back to Massachusetts and do a year long program, or maybe stay longer, and i am thinking about turning it down. Am i running? 

I have no idea. 

While i was there the pastor gave a sermon about how God gives us freedom to choose where we go and sometimes, either choice is good, and either choice could make us happy. 

Knowing this, i think i wanted to just go home. I wanted to forget i ever fell in love with the people in Massachusetts and just get on with my life, two streets away from my beautiful nephew. 

I wanted to be by my family, and know that i'll have a safe place to come home to. And i want to keep my wonderful couch. 

But i had made my decision! I told people, i didn't want to go back. 

But then why am i still haunted by dreams of me returning to my church family in Massachusetts and being completely content? 

So i pull up the program poster, the poster for the program i helped set up, with intentions of going back. And i'm completely broken, and i feel a need to keep myself up all night just to make this decision. 

I actually just took time to see how long of a drive it would be from Washington where i'll be attending a friends wedding. 

It's like i want to, but i'm afraid. 

I'm afraid of moving on with my life. Leaving this place i gave four years of my life to. 

Leaving the reach of my parents. 

Not seeing my nephew for a very long time. Maybe once a year. 

It breaks my heart. But i'm thinking i can do it. I can at least give up a year of my life and see if i can do it. 

It will take honesty with how i feel. It will take pulling myself up by my bootstraps. And it will most definitely take a box of tissues when i tell my mother. It will take faith. But i think that is what is most important at this point. Having faith, that God is going to work it all out, no matter what state i'm in.

I think i know. I think i've always known. I also think that they always knew. That i would be coming back.