Surround Yourself With People Who Want to See Your Dreams Come True

In September I took a trip to Switzerland. Again. I know right? How does a girl who never even thought about traveling other than wanting to visit her homeland (Italy), end up going to Switzerland twice in two years?

Well, the simplest answer is that when I moved to Mammoth, I was immediately surrounded by people that travelled a lot.

After living in a place where traveling is the norm and streets are filled with foreign skiers and snowboarders, it kind of changes your mindset. Lets just say that it rubbed off on me.

This last trip was a totally different experience than the first.

My first trip was a missions trip. Every day planned and filled with some sort of meeting with people my pastors knew but I had only ever heard of.

This trip was more freeing in a way. When it started, I was in an awesome city with three of my closest friends. I'm sure when we all lived in the Staffhouse together that we were not expecting to all be in Zürich together two years later.

But I think it was a reunion that we all needed. We needed to see each other as we were all getting ready to embark on a different chapter of our own lives.

So in the span of two and a half weeks I went from Zürich to Laax, Laax to Interlaken, Interlaken to Saas Fee, and then back to Zürich to begin my travels home.

It was a very wonderful trip. That's all I can think to say to people when they ask me how my trip was. For some reason I wouldn't really elaborate at all unless people asked. Then I found myself grasping at straws for stories to entertain them.

I think now I understand why.

When I was staying in Saas Fee with the Bowman's, my Mammoth family, they decided they wanted to take me to either France or Italy. Since I am a quarter Italian and had always wanted to go I opted for that, so we went.

We drove over the border and into Italy and it was as if in my mind I was picturing a new check on my bucket list. Sure it was the equivalent of driving from San Diego into Tijuana for the day, but it meant the world to me. It was probably my favorite day out of the whole trip.

I got to experience this awesome country with the people that I love.

I had real Italian Pizza, a cappuccino, gelato shaped like a flower, and delicious Italian wine.

We talked, we laughed, and eventually we began our journey back to Saas Fee via a very windy pass in the dark of night. In between falling asleep in the backseat we laughed at how fast we were going and how not everyone was cool with it.

A day trip into the country that I had always wanted to go to, all because the people I was with love me and wanted to see this small dream of mine come true.

I think that before I moved to Mammoth, I wasn't necessarily encouraged to follow all of my dreams. I mean of course generally people would try and support what I wanted to do, but it kind of always came off as if they meant they wanted to support my dreams while I followed them from behind the walls of my high school bedroom.

Which I totally understand that when people aren't making crazy leaps of faith all the time, seeing other people doing it may seem irresponsible or insane. Or both.

But when you love someone, you want to see their dreams come true. Even if it means you don't get to be directly next to them when that happens.

I think the biggest lesson that I have learned is that you need to surround yourself not only with people who love you and love what you love, but also people who are going to want to see your dreams come true. Maybe sometimes they'll even help you along the way if they can.

I think the reason I have such a hard time telling people about my trip and the places I went is because the places actually didn't matter to me. Yes yes. Everything was amazingly beautiful. But for me I was just happy to see my friends. I was happy to be with the people that I love and who love me.

THAT is my dream come true.

And to experience a beautiful country together, well, that was just a bonus.

Realizations of a Typical Adult

Today I arrived back in Hollister. I'm here for about a week before I fly out to Switzerland. I made it in about eight hours, walked in the door, and ate breakfast for dinner.

Everyone kind of went off to bed and I decided that it was a great idea to read one of my journals from high school. Mistake numero uno.

It was cool though, I got to read prayers that I had written down to God about other people, yes, but mainly about my life and what my purpose was. It was cute. I was kind of just sitting there all proud of myself I guess. You know, like a parent is proud of their child's scribbly marker art, or even their kid mumbling through giving thanks before a meal. It was cute in a childish way.

Reading through my very first completed journal actually made me realize how far I have come.

I found out through my twenty-five year old eyes that my sixteen year old self was whiney as hell. Like it legitimately bothered me. I was secretly hoping that the ramblings that filled each page were never actually spoken aloud to others before they were written down. Unlikely.

Not only was I completely boy obsessed, which by the way I would love to go back and punch myself in the stomach for being so naive, but I was also very persistent on saying I wanted things to change without actually doing anything to change them.

Lets take my boy crazed self for example. I wrote page after page about my crushes on these guys and talked all about how they probably didn't like me. Not that I actually gave them the chance to. Seeing as I never told any of them. To be honest, I didn't really talk to many of them either. It was more of a silent appreciation from afar. No wonder I used to sign my journal entries as "A Typical Teenager." *cue eye roll*

But here I am now. I'm sure my prayers have improved at least a little bit. I can also honestly say that I feel as though I'm not boy crazy anymore. I actually talk to guys now. Don't worry readers. I've evolved. I'm not a total creeper anymore.

The part that gets me the most I think, is that the concerns I voiced in my journal are still things that concern me today. It almost doesn't feel like a flashback to before my college years.

I literally wrote that I was scared to go through college only to not find a job and have to move home. Which I ended up having to anyways but that isn't the point. My point is that I have been scared to take leaps and bounds because I don't want to end up back at my parent's house. Or back where I started. It feels like ten thousand steps back.

I was trying to figure out my purpose then and here I am now still trying to figure out the things that actually make me happy and aren't just in my life to please someone else.

It hit me that maybe there are certain things that we will always struggle with. Mine is letting go and trusting that things will be taken care of.

I'm basically like the Israelites in the desert when they all forget what God literally just did to get them out of Egypt.

Not letting my fears get in the way of God's plan for my life will be the greatest thing I could ever do.

So this time I don't want to immediately think of the worst case scenario. I want to think of what I truly want and to go for that full force without thinking it will land me back in my old bedroom in my parent's house.

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

Sincerely,

A Typical Adult

Living as though I have a million dollars.

Last year at some point, the camps bookkeeper and I decided that we wanted to buy lottery tickets. One day we were just sitting in the office dreaming up all the things the camp could do if it had the money.

A new lodge building. State of the art kitchen. Real staff housing (which I took a little offense to since I love the Staffhouse). So much more.

We both dreamed of what each of us would do if we had the money. A lot of my things were just normal things, with me being out of debt from my student loans.

So we went out and bought some. We didn't win anything. Obviously.

Then after we stopped talking about it I just let the idea die. And I let some of the dreams die too. Even the ridiculous ones that seemed too far-fetched even if I was rich.

It's been a year and our bookkeeper brought it up that she was going to go buy more tickets. And it put the idea in my head again.

So I went on my own and bought more tickets.

Last night I sat in my room dreaming again. What would I do if I had a million dollars?

And again, I realized that not much was different. The dreams were the same.

I wanted to do music, and be a part of a studio or something along those lines. And a couple of other things. But the main point being I don't actually need a million dollars to do them.

The million dollars is incentive. It's the safety net.

The idea that I can go off and take risks and do whatever I want because at least I'll be taken care of if things don't turn out how I thought.

But why would I wait if it's something I really want to do?

No one is going to drop a million dollars in your lap. For the longest time I thought of the things I would do with a million dollars, but realized I'd actually have to go out and buy a ticket to even get a shot at it.

I  realized that I don't take enough risks. I'm scared of being uncomfortable, and to actually work for something I want. Because I'm scared if it doesn't work out that I'll be running home to my parents house with my tail between my legs.

I'm scared of failure. And this is because of a lack of confidence in myself, and a lack of trust in my God.

Everything about this coming season is up in the air. The camp's lease is up in May and I'm not sure what I'm going to be doing. Where I'm going to live. If I even want to stay in Mammoth if The Station isn't here. It's been a lot to process.

It's been a lot to be overwhelmed about, I should say. And I've let myself get overwhelmed. Because I haven't been trusting God that he's going to take care of me.

I've been walking around only making choices that I know I can control. Which I think is why I ended up in Mammoth in the first place. I wasn't planning on moving here.

I had quit my job to take a position at the camp I grew up at and came to Mammoth to visit a friend. But I think deep down that God knew I would never just up and quit my job to move somewhere I had never been before. I always needed that safety net made by me.

So here I am now. Stuck in this place of wanting to stay but wanting to start the next chapter of my life. Wanting to be around all my close friends, and also wanting new scenery.

Last week I sent out an email out to a woman who works at Bethel. I told her about how much I loved the Bethel Music studio and how I really wanted to work there. And basically just reached out saying I will take anything you have to give me.

I started the email to her never expecting a reply.

Now in a week I will be having a phone interview with her to talk about possible internships. And I have no idea what to do or what to say.

I mean, I'm still kind of committed at the camp. Two of my friends are moving in next week and we have winter camps booked and I'm supposed to be the cook.

But I stopped today and took a second to think about it. I thought about what I really wanted and not what I was just willing to do to avoid causing others any problems.

And I asked myself, "What would I do if I had a million dollars?"

I saw myself going.

Choosing to go and choosing to trust that God will take care of the rest. Because he always has.

It's funny how sometimes it takes forever to truly realize what already have.

And I already have my safety net. Because God will always be there to catch me.

In a way. I've always had my million dollars.

Living for the Future

Have you ever gotten so caught up in plans, and ideas for your future that it just completely consumes everything you are? Lately, I've been so focused on what will be that I don't take a second to look at what is.

Last night our team got some pretty upsetting news. That we most likely will not be here next summer.

Now I believe that God does miracles and I'm all for seeing The Station being one, but I can't not make plans for my future.

Where will I live? What mediocre job will I take to replace the awesome one I have now? How can I still be a part of something bigger that matters?

So many questions swirling around in my brain. So many thoughts.

Thoughts like how much I hate job hunting, and how there really aren't affordable places to rent in Mammoth and I definitely lucked out with what I have.

These questions seem so overwhelming. But in the midst of the chaos in my brain, I took a second to stop and look around.

I somehow halted the perforating thoughts for long enough to breathe and be thankful for the now.

Gazing around our crowded lodge at all the campers and staff, I had this moment. I was grateful.

I was so happy that all these people are here and that I get to be a part of this.

This place was once my bosses dream, and for the past nine years she has been walking it out. She has fought and trudged through way worse things than just being snowed into the staffhouse.

Not only has she chosen to not give up, but she chooses each day to believe that there is something new God wants to show her.

So as I try to slow my mind and tell it the future will come and have worries of its own, I must also look to my King as He tells me "be still and know that I am God."

Know that He has everything covered.

Know that my wildest dreams don't even come close to the plans that He has for me.

And know that as I walk, stumble, fall, freak out, and hope to God my future isn't as hard as it's seeming to be, that He will always love me just as I am.

Here's to living for the future while being completely consumed by the now, and trusting that God will tell me when one becomes the other.

In My Own Head

Two Weeks ago I wrote a blog post about getting to know people and it being extremely hard for me to say goodbye to those people. Last night I had a bit of an emotional episode.

This summer, friends have come back to work at The Station. People that I truly care about and quite honestly I feel as though I was just holding my breath waiting for them to come back.

For some reason I have allowed this future goodbye make me fall apart.

At every point where I am shut out or cut off from community and hanging out with people I feel a little twinge in my heart. Another opportunity to grow closer, missed.

I think that because I decided to open my heart to people and get to know them, my heart feels extremely exposed. It's like I went from feeling scared to open up, to being scared that I'm not opening up enough and I'm going to say goodbye to these amazing individuals again and it's going to ruin me.

I got in my head.

I allowed my mind to tell me that there isn't enough time.

I've allowed my own season coming to an end make me feel as though everything is.

It's as though I spoke out that I wanted to open up to people and get to know them even if goodbyes are hard, and then I'm faced with another huge goodbye that is going to suck.

A goodbye to friends. A goodbye to summer. A possible last summer at The Station. And a possible last summer in Mammoth. A possible goodbye to my home.

But if I start breaking down now, I can't have my last experience.

I can't live in the moment if I'm thinking of the last one we'll have.

So I need to stop.

Somehow.

I need to stop getting into my own head.

No More Fear

Sometimes I sit down to write about a certain topic, and I get halfway through what I want to say and realize that I don't want to finish it. Sometimes crushes just aren't that important, or poems aren't meant to be read by everyone. Whatever the case, I gave up my previous post about graduating to start this one and see where it goes. So here I am.

I love writing. I write about love. I write about the people that matter to me and unfortunately the people that hurt me. Luckily I'm not a famous blogger so I don't get crap for it like Taylor Swift does.

I have a couple of friends who read through my ramblings. (Thanks Jen) And I have a few more people that I don't actually know personally.

Either way, I'm happy that some people find entertainment from the words I put down.

I started my blog five years ago. Mainly to write about school, or the guys that I thought I was in love with. I've expanded to family and friends and identity. If there's one thing that I've learned through finding my true identity, it's that everyone should know what their true identity is.

So, I guess I'm just testing the waters. I'm kind of done being afraid. I've lived my life full of fear. Fear of trying things or sharing my heart, past, and passions with people. I've been so scared of being judged, or hurt, or made fun of. Maybe I've just been scared of failing. But I actually think that maybe I've been afraid of succeeding.

Sometimes in life, our enemies don't want us to succeed. Maybe sometimes we pick up on that and take that fear as our own.

I don't want to be afraid anymore.

I am in the process of writing a book. There it is. It's now out there for all you five to keep me accountable.

I am seven pages into a very rough telling of my life. Hard stories. Ridiculous stories. Me trying too hard to be funny or make readers laugh. Maybe me being too raw, or making light of things that are light to me now but weren't when they happened.

You see. When you know someone's past. The things that happened to them, and the things that they did in a moment of weakness. You can attest to God's goodness in who they are now. That is testimony.

Seeing where someone came from, and seeing them in present day thriving despite the past.

Hearing someone's stories about being held captive by darkness for so long, and not necessarily believing it because of who they are now.

So. I guess this is just the beginning.

Get ready?

Get The Hell Out

Recently a lot of stuff has been happening. By recently I mean, basically this whole fall into winter.

This past fall season, I took on more responsibilities at The Station.

Two new employees moved into the staff house and both were coincidentally in first year at the school of ministry.

Things seemed to be going good. Not too many hiccups.

Then Christmas break came. And all hell broke loose.

It seemed as though both of these people began making choices that didn't reflect a Godly lifestyle. 

If you know me at all, you know that I am not a very vocal person when it comes to my opinion or when I disagree with someone.

So all I did was sit back, and listen, and watch them break the camp rules.

I listened to the struggles. I listened to them both tell me that they didn't really get why there were such rules, and how they wanted to keep living in those lifestyles. Because they chose to keep living in those lifestyles, they ended up getting asked to leave The Station.

Eventually, the school of ministry pulled the plug on first year for them.

As all this is going on, I feel like I'm barely holding on to my sanity. Two people, that yes were making bad decisions, but I still shared life with were getting kicked out, or having the floor fall out from underneath them because the school was everything to them.

So I listened more. Still listening even though I had crap of my own that I was dealing with.

I got a dog. Wasn't ready. Took it back. Tried not to fall apart. Was pretty okay. Turned 25. Had a good day. Endured the worst winter I've ever imagined. Became one of the only employees at the camp besides the director. Wanted to quit my other job. Didn't quit my other job. Still want to quit my other job. Trying to find traction in my relationship with God. Hoping that I'm being stable enough for people to count on. Got sick. Fell apart on my boss. Had a mini breakdown. Hoped that it would go away on it's own. Feeling the weight of everything build up until I couldn't take it anymore. I needed help. Prayed that God would restore my joy. God restored my joy. Someone asked me what was wrong. Started feeling like something was actually wrong when I thought I was fine.

So much has been going on in my life, and I'm still trying to find out how to process it all.

I think that there are so many lies that I keep letting into my heart, and then I keep believing them.

So here is goes. I'm going to speak truth.

It was not my fault. I did not make them make those choices.

I am strong enough to hold down the fort, despite everyone else around me falling apart and making stupid decisions.

I am stable. You can be stable and still sometimes need to cry. It's totally normal and a part of life.

I am steadfast. I can be trusted. I can be there for people. I can be counted on.

I am beautiful. I am wanted. I am home for people. I have a mothers heart. I am a daughter of the king. I am a warrior.

So here's what I say to all the lies.

The doubts. The anxiety. The depression. The fear. The second guessing myself. The little tiny things that sneak into my mind and make me feel like I'm not good enough just as I am.

Get the hell out.

Do What You Love, Even If You Aren't Great At It

Recently I've had a couple realizations. 1.) I wasn't necessarily investing my time and money into things that I loved. But rather, I was investing time and money into things that were convenient and weren't really that important in the end.

and

2.) I've been letting my lack of experience or knowledge in those things I love stop me from trying.

I think deep down I've spent my whole life NOT doing things because I was scared that I wouldn't be any good at them.

I was scared that I would put my heart into something and fail. To me, not trying was easier.

That's why I don't play sports, or attempt handstands (more common sense than anything, I have zero upper body strength), but also why I haven't played my music in front of people a lot. Even though I love those things, I'm so scared of what people will think if I'm not good at them.

I have always loved photography. Always. And last week I finally decided to do something about it. I bought a camera. Not a point and shoot. Not something that's attached to my phone. A real Canon camera. I think I put it off for so long because I was scared I wasn't even good enough to own one. That it wasn't a big enough hobby for me to actually spend the money on it.

But you know what I did? I took my new camera, went off on an adventure by myself and took some pictures in the forest. Even if I only liked five out of the seventy I took, going out and doing that brought me so much joy.

This picture was my favorite. And it may be too dark, or out of focus, but I took it. I took it and I love it.

I think that we spend too much time caring about what other people think. I have wasted the twenty-four years of my existence being scared I wasn't good enough.

And I may still struggle with it from time to time. But today I want to make the choice to believe that I am good enough. I'll probably have to remind myself tomorrow. But as long as I am out there doing the things I love, I'm fine with working through that struggle.

Are you?

The Hello and The In Between

When it all comes down to it, I guess the person I'm mad at the most is myself. I let my mind, and more stupidly my heart, go there. I checked onto a train going the opposite direction and left them to fend for themselves in the midst of your being.

I wrote off all reason and logic and let my heart really go with it.

I let my mind run with all the encouragements from outer sources, that the feelings of which my heart was taking on could be reciprocated.

I let my mind be changed by positive feedback.

I let my life be turned upside down by your heart.

I let everything that I held dear become nothing compared to being able to spend time with you and make memories that I would have years after you leave.

Stupidly, I allowed myself to really fall for you. Heart and mind.

So here I am. Opening at the coffeeshop after a night filled to the brim with tears and goodbye letters and hope that in some alternative universe you have feelings for me too and it would somehow all work out.

At least five thousand unlikely scenarios race through my mind as I think of the day I say goodbye to you and hand you the letter.

The one I luckily wrote on my phone first rather than paper, otherwise my tears would have made it unreadable.

I think of the best possible scenarios and those still don't seem to be good enough to will you to stay, or me decide to abandon any previous reservations from our differences in values.

It's crazy though, because I have seen it. I've seen the alternative universe. The one where our values collide. The one where you're passionate, but not about the same things.

There was this hope in your voice. This hope that something greater could and would answer your prayers.

I saw the fire around your heart as you prayed. It was new and fragile but as you prayed it grew. It grew and took over your whole body in some amazing fashion that was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

I saw you sitting in front of us all, asking God to be there with us. Asking God things I'm sure you've never asked him before.

Then I could see how your heart, paired with Christ's, was going to change the world like nothing anybody could have ever imagined.

Somewhere I read that it's okay to love someone who doesn't love you back, as long as they are worthy of it. As long as they deserve it.

You do.

I've got to be honest, I don't think we could find anyone who doesn't love you.

That's what makes it so hard. You make it really really...REALLY difficult to not love you.

I feel like you would have to try with such vigor to get me to not love you.

I know that it's different this time. I don't see you on this pedestal. I haven't lifted you up to something that you're not. I haven't fallen in love with the idea of you.

I can see flaws and some little things that I'm sure down the road would annoy me to no end. But I overlook them, because in all reality they don't matter. Because it's you.

Things that used to be a big deal for me have seemed to be just tiny differences in our thinking.

Somewhere along the way, in between me liking you and me trying not to like you and then me throwing caution to the wind and becoming fully head over chucks for you, I saw you. I saw your heart. I saw your dreams and passions and family.

I saw all these things that sometimes it hurts to know that I'll be forced to live without them. I'll be forced to say goodbye.

And like I said, the person I'm really mad at is myself. I'm the one to blame.

You took no part in it. You were just there, being yourself. And I was here becoming myself around you.

You sir, were a force of nature, and you came into my life and everything was drastically changed.

So yes I'm upset at myself. But I know that down the road I will never regret it. Any of it.

Getting to know you while secretly harboring feelings for you. Allowing you to be the catalyst that threw me into being myself. Trusting you with tough things, and you in turn completely blowing my mind by how trustworthy you really were.

I don't now, and will never regret these last six months. It was a whirlwind. It was something that swept me off my feet and made me believe that guys like you actually exist.

So I'm mad. But I am so much more thankful that I ended up here, and ended up meeting one of the most amazing men I have ever met.

Even if it had to end in goodbye, the hello and the in between were the most wonderful things I could have ever asked for.

Deja Vu

We all have those moments. Where we see something that we think we've already seen before.

We hear words that sound exactly like they did once before, when we heard them the first time.

I remember one time I had deja vu so bad, that I honesty believed that I had dreamt the situation before. No one could convince me that it hadn't happened at some point.

Today I took the time to put my stuff away in my new home.

I filled my dresser and made my bed while I listened to The Classic Crime on my record player.

Somehow everything found it's place. Everything seemed to fit perfectly into this tiny little space that was going to be my new home.

I looked over at my records stacked against my bed and it happened. Deja Vu. I sat there wondering where I had seen it all before and then I stopped.

It hadn't happened before. I knew that. I know that.

But for some reason, as I put my last book in it's place the deja vu gave me this weird feeling.

I stared down at my stack of records and this overwhelming feeling of peace came over me.

Almost as if I was finally where I was supposed to be.

I have found myself in this place where I am challenged. I am pushed further and further outside of my comfort zone everyday.

And you know what, I kind of love it.

I love the people. I love this place. I love the new adventures. And I love the future here.

The future that will consist of God pulling apart my life and putting it back together with only the important stuff.

The things that I've limited myself in, I will excel in.

The things I've told myself I've hated for so long will now be the things that intrigue me.

I sit here staring at my new home, with the amazing feeling that finally the things I've dreamed of before are coming into reality.

So maybe I haven't seen this all before and it actually was deja vu.

But I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am in the right place.

Pain is a Matter of Opinion

Recently I had a discussion with a friend about needles. I mentioned being a child and promising my mother that I wouldn't cry "this time" when she took me in for my seasonal shots.

It's funny because every year I would promise that and every year I would break my promise because I was scared. Not because the needle was actually already inside of me and it hurt.

Since then I have become someone who gives blood when she can, and sometimes can't because it hasn't been twelve months since her last tattoo.

It doesn't hurt anymore.

I've come to realize that pain is a matter of opinion. Someone who hated needles as kids could easily grow out of it, though there are those people who still can't handle them.

It's the same with anything people find painful. Usually when you're a kid you find things more painful than you would as an adult. Probably through experience but more likely because the emotional pain of life sometimes becomes more painful than the physical pain.

I've been thinking a lot about how sometimes when people express that they are hurting emotionally we don't take it as seriously as physical pain and we write it off.

When I was a kid I would run around and scrape my knees and twist my ankles and just basically throw caution to the wind when it came to taking care of my body.

As I've grown up, the physical pain has never measured up to the emotional hurts that I've received.

I've been rejected, called names, been judged because of beliefs, done things to myself I can't take back, let others take advantage, etc.

No physical pain that I've ever been through will hurt more than the emotional trauma I carry around with me everyday.

So sometimes when people see others in pain, they don't necessarily see it. Do you know what I mean?

They don't see someone with trigger words, or boundaries, or fears of being involuntarily touched. They only see if someone's bleeding, or limping, or in a cast.

People can write off emotional pain as if it doesn't matter. But that's their opinion. Obviously it's going to matter to the person who is going through it.

So maybe instead of shying away from people when they express emotional hurts, unstability, or scars, we decide to stay and listen.

We decide to acknowledge we shouldn't say certain things around certain people. Maybe we ask before putting our arms around someone.

We stay and let them express what's truly hurt them in their life.

Don't write them off because they aren't bleeding.

Pain is a matter of opinion.

Just because you don't think something would hurt someone, doesn't mean that it wont.

Sometimes the hardest part of life is admitting you're scared as hell..

Growing up I used to think that there would be a point in my life where I would arrive. I would have a good job doing what I love.

I would have my own place (not realistic anymore).

I would have my group of friends that hung out all the time and encouraged each other.

I would have a good position in a church, doing what I was made to do.

I would have my music, and eventually have my own album recorded.

The minute I graduated from college, I knew that none of this would probably happen as I wanted it.

It took me two full months to get a job, at a donut shop.

I moved into a house with five other girls a month later.

I didn't really have any close friends once school picked back up again because they were all busy.

I took over as worship leader at a church, where I sometimes felt unappreciated, overworked and burnt out.

I did record a small cd, with somewhat terrible quality.

Then when it came time to start paying off my student loans, I knew my current situation wasn't going to cut it.

So I moved home.

Into my old room.

Into old habits.

Into old friendships.

Into my old self who let other people walk all over her.

If you've read my blog at any point before this, you probably read that I had an opportunity to work at a camp I grew up at. I was so excited and so nervous to go up there and be in a different place. But it was going to be worth it because I would be doing the things that I love.

I had tried emailing the director two times to ask when I should make the trip up there.

Today he finally emailed me back. He told me that they just got done laying off two people and he's still waiting to see how things will work out. Also, that he'll give me an update in the next two weeks. In the mean time, I've already given notice at my job. I already have all of July planned out with last minute trips, spending most of my money on traveling before I move up there. And now it's not a for sure thing anymore?

I read the email at work sinking further down into my chair as I filled with anxiety thinking about what the hell else I'm supposed to do if I don't get this job. The job that was a trial position in the first place. A job that I was going out on a limb to even take, because I decided I was going to have faith that everything was going to work out and I would get hired on permanently after the trial period was over.

There hasn't been a day in the past six months of being home that I haven't regretted it. Moving home.

I've loved pouring into good friendships since being home, and I don't regret that.

But honestly. I'm just scared as hell.

I'm scared that I moved home and now I'll be stuck.

I'm scared that I'll never be able to travel like I want to.

I'm scared that I'll never be able to move some place random and start my life the way I truly want to.

I'm just scared. Of everything. Of failure in life.

And I don't know what to do.

I want to be back in college with my friends. In close proximity where we could all talk to each other and encourage each other. I miss it so much. I miss my dear friends.

I wish that life wasn't so hard.

I wish being an adult wasn't so scary.

I have become the most anxiety ridden I have ever been since moving home.

I'm praying so hard that God will direct my path. I trust that he has great things for me, things that my ideas can't even measure up to. All I want is to be free. Free of expectations. Free of anxiety and hurt. Free of debt. Free of hatred towards myself for not being able to handle anything. I want to be free of all of these things, but mostly my fear.

I want to walk through life confident that I can do this. I have God right beside me and there is no way he is going to let me fall.

We're All Different

Recently it has become more apparent to me how different we all are. God made us that way. He made us as unique beings.

He made each one of us with a set of characteristics and vastly different dreams.

One person can feel called to a certain career, or ministry, and someone else could feel called to something completely different.

One person can have a dream to go out and make changes in the world, and someone could have a dream to change the world by being a good parent and a good spouse.

We are all different.

I know that I talk about dreams a lot, but it's just something that weighs heavy on my heart because I know I haven't been working towards mine.

The other day I sat across from a friend and coworker as she talked to a new employee on the phone. Basically the conversation consisted of her telling the other woman how much she liked it there and how she was going to wait for a while and then try to move up in the company.

I was sitting there finishing up some support staff tasks thinking, that's not what I want.

I made the decision to come home because I knew I needed time to prepare.

Prepare for what, I don't know.

But I sit at that desk day after day and feel completely lost.

I truly believe my anxiety attacks are a direct result of me feeling like I'm not doing enough to ensure that my dreams become a reality.

I overthink, and I have sleepless nights thinking about my future and all the things I want to do. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

I have lived my whole life trying to meet everyone else's expectations. I have done things because, well, it's what you do right?

When you graduate, you get a good job. And you just work. Because this job is what you went to school for.

That's not the case.

I went to school and studied ministry. And I'm sitting at a desk job everyday.

You want to know why? Because I got caught up. I got caught up in the whispers of my dad, who has always wanted me to have a good paying job so I can take care of myself. I got caught up in people telling me that maybe what I'm doing isn't what God wants me to do, so then I second guess what God has told me himself.

God has told me that I am beautiful and strong. Which means that I don't need to latch onto other peoples dreams, or listen to the lies society tells me, or even the lies that the people closest to me tell me.

Last week I spoke to the director at the camp I grew up at. The camp that I love and feel is a big part of my life. I asked him, again, if they had any job opportunities. He said no, that there weren't currently any jobs open, but that there is always a possibility and he wants me to come up and visit to talk with him and share my heart.

A possibility.

A POSSIBILITY!

This tiny sliver of hope, made me the most joyous person I have been since I can't remember when.

I find myself smiling when I talk about the "possibility."

Even my parents told me that I sounded so excited when I was on the phone with him and they really hope it works out.

This is something I've always wanted to do, be involved in something that I care about. Truly.

I think that's what everybody wants. I believe that's why God gave us dreams and our own set of talents or skills. He wouldn't give us dreams and then tell us we can't achieve them.

I could have the opportunity to mentor young girls who are interning. When my whole senior year of college, all my assignments were about was how the young adults of today need mentors and guidance.

I could have the opportunity to work in the kitchen. When I was a cook for two years and worked in a kitchen for four years.

I could have the opportunity to do worship, and I've basically been on worship teams every since I picked up my guitar.

This opportunity. This "possibility" is something I prayed for. I asked God to open the door to my future and shut the door to the past that was holding me back. Not a day goes by that I don't pray about this. Pray that it happens, yes, but also I'm praying that it's right.

I can look back on my whole life and only find one other instance where I prayed this hard for clarity, and that was when I prayed that God would show me where to go to school, and my Life Pacific College acceptance letter came in the mail the next day.

We are all different. We all have different dreams. We all have different paths.

What God has for you, might not be what God has for me.

And that's okay.

People Matter

Right now I have two good friends who are on their way to visit me. One I have known for about four years and the other I've known of for four years but only became really close with this summer.

Last night I was talking to her about how I've basically isolated myself since being home, no old friends, no new ones. Just work and I've barely been invested in church.

She told me that when she first got married she felt very isolated too, until we started hanging out.

It's funny how you end up bonding with people right when you need someone the most.

I needed someone. And she made an effort to be my friend, and invite me over even if we just watched tv.

She needed someone. And I made the effort to get to know her better, and to be honest, she became my best friend.

I think that sometimes we don't think things mattered until someone tells you.

Recently I hung out with an old close friend, the first time since I've been home. I met her at her house where her father was too and he started questioning why I haven't been around.

Come to find out later, my friend had thought that I didn't want to be close with her because I hadn't reached out to hang out since being home.

I felt terrible.

Honestly.

This girl that was my favorite person when we were kids and still to this day, thought that I didn't like her.

She only told me this after I told her that I would consider her a close friend until the day I die.

I think we don't tell people they matter enough.

I've been home for almost four months, and I haven't attended my old church, and I haven't seen anyone from there.

They all know that I'm back.

After this realization with my friend, I thought about it.

These people, that always supported me and loved me and even helped me pay for school, probably think that I want nothing to do with them.

When really all I needed was time, and they pushed, and I withdrew. Until I had fully isolated myself into a workout, work, tv show, sleep stupor.

That's when I made my decision to go back, and to look the people that love me in the eye and tell them how much they actually do matter to me, despite my actions.

I've lived my life and had many different types of friendships.

Toxic friendships. Loving friendships. Shallow friendships. Healthy friendships. You name it.

But the ones that I always remember are the ones that mattered.

The ones that were natural, not forced.

The ones that spiraled into every summer day running around looking for adventure.

The ones that brought equal growth. Where you challenge each other and even have to be brutally honest but it works, and you both thrive.

The ones that teach you life lessons, which may hurt, and it may end, but it was a lesson nonetheless.

People have always told me things about myself; that i'm mysterious, that I'm "cool, calm, and collected," that I'm stoic.

Whatever the heck that means.

But I think the fact that I'm not very vocal about certain things makes it hard for people to understand.

I thrive on relationships. I love my friends.

But I NEED to tell them. I need to let them know how much I truly cherish their presence in my life, and their existence altogether.

I need to smile more to reassure that I'm having a good time.

I need to let them know they matter.

We need to let the people in our lives know they matter.

Lets say it until we sound like a broken record, and then keep going.

"I love you."

"I'm thankful for you in my life."

"You matter to me."

"Thank you for being my friend when I desperately needed one."

It's important. People are important. Tell them.

Regrets

I lay here in bed, wishing that I didn't have to go to sleep, so that I won't have to wake up and go to a job where I feel like I'm wasting away. I like my job, don't get me wrong.

I like what I do, I've learned a lot.

But I sit here and wonder, what if?

What if I had made a different decision?

What if I had chosen to actually go back to Massachusetts?

What if I had chosen not to stick around a good church and be a worship leader?

I wouldn't have deepened a couple of friendships this summer. I would regret not having that.

I would regret not getting worship leading experience.

I would regret not being able to try being on my own. At least for a few months.

But I feel so anxious.

Like I'm headed in the wrong direction. Like I'm falling behind, on top of falling apart.

I'm becoming more vain, because I don't have much to focus on other than work and working out and how I dress.

I don't like it.

I don't like not having a lot of friends close.

Was I just scared though?

I'm wondering.

I chose not to move across the country because family, and because I wanted to be there for my church, and then because I felt like I didn't want to go and be in an uncomfortable internship type program.

But I honestly think I was scared.

Scared that they would challenge me.

Scared that I would grow, and that it would hurt.

Scared of constructive criticism.

Just scared to live.

Now I regret not going.

I regret that I couldn't just take a year and try something that could be exciting.

I could have gone on an adventure, alone, and pioneered a great program.

I could have done a worship arts program basically. Running it, and mentoring people.

I think I feel as though I'm not thriving here because there's no one to fellowship with. Really.

I just miss feeling like I was trying new things, and seeing new places.

I loved it over there, and I let my fear of growth, and my fear of people loving me, put a bad taste in my mouth and I thought that I wouldn't be able to handle it.

And now it seems that even home is suffocating me.

I want to pray about this. Honestly, because if I can talk to the pastors there, I would love to have a second chance to make my decision. It's late already, but maybe if I begged. Ha.

Truly, I know that God is everywhere, and that he blesses me anyways. I just know that I've become complacent here, and I need the accountability. I need the challenge. Because it was a challenge, and it was tiring.

But I felt the growth. I felt the strength. I would do that internship over. I would do it over twice.

Lord, give me clarity. Give me hope. I loved them all so much.

Help me to follow your will, but also to follow my heart and not the words of others around me.

I have lived so much of my life based on other people's actions, or words of what I should or shouldn't do. I'm tired.

I'm done. Really. I'm done feeling as though I can't handle things.

I'm done feeling as though I need someone to go with me.

This may seem like a late night ramble, and maybe it is. But I want to love hard. And I want to live harder.

I want to charge into this life. I want to be fearless when it comes to the world and have full faith that my lord will provide.

So I will pray,

Lord, help me to have the peace that comes from your spirit. I know that this world gets crazy, and that things will never be perfect. But I also pray that you will help me to not be afraid to take leaps. Huge leaps of faith. If this is something that could be remotely possible, lord give me peace. I don't want this to be one of those things that it a great idea in the moment and then I regret it completely later. I feel as though I've missed my window, but Lord, help me to decide. I think that my life is so full of indecisiveness that maybe just making a decision would be easiest. Help Lord, I need you. I need you like the air I breathe.

Amen.

When You've Hit Bottom

I've always heard that it's good when you've hit rock bottom, because then there's nowhere to go but up. But what people don't tell you, is that when you're at rock bottom how crippling it actually is.

You don't feel enlightened because you can see up and see that life will be so much better after this point.

It just feels like it's not going to end.

Today, I may have hit my rock bottom.

Recently I've been struggling with anxiety a lot.

Mainly because I feel as though my life is going no where and I'm basically letting people make decisions for me.

I don't stand up for myself, I don't confront people when they hurt me, and I definitely don't initiate my future.

Today I woke up with the worst thought that I have ever had in my entire life.

It would be so much easier if I wasn't here. Honestly.

I sat on my bed with tears running down my face trying to wrap my head around getting ready for work whilst basically having an anxiety attack.

I felt like i couldn't fully breathe and I began writing in my journal, about how scared I was.

I've never in my life have I had a thought that dark. Twisted maybe, but never to the extent that taking my own life would somehow make my life easier. It scared the shit out of me.

So as I was writing, basically screaming into my journal, I begged from my heart for God to help me through this, to help me breathe.

Then something happened, a spark you could say, that ignited this fight in my heart. I was pissed.

I'm still pissed.

So pissed that I let the comments, and judgements of others contemplate my healthy mindset.

So very angry that I somehow let myself get isolated enough to think that I had to settle for this.

That I had to settle for someone treating me this way and that there was no way out.

No. No. No. NO.

I am mad.

I am mad that I have allowed this to happen to me. That I have allowed things to get this far because I'm afraid of hurting someones feelings by telling them that they've hurt mine. NO.

I am mad, that I gave up. I gave up living on my own with good friends to come home and be stuck and be pushed around.

I am mad that people never tell you how hard life really is, and then it's a complete culture shock when you start having to make your own decisions when no one let you before.

I am angry. That I feel as though my dreams aren't good enough, or that I am not good enough to achieve them.

Just no.

This was my rock bottom. But I let it come to this.

If me being completely angry and pissed off at the world is going to set me into motion, then lets have it. Bring on the internal flame that will burn in my belly.

Bring on the purification of my life by fire and the ripping up of roots that must split apart to be healthy.

I am ready to move on, finally from this place I have let my heart live.

I'm ready to move on. I've hit my rock bottom, and I don't know how long I will be here, but I know that I will not sit down here doing nothing.

I Haven't Done Anything

Last night I was watching one of my new favorite movies, and the main character said "It's hard to see people from your past, when your present is so cataclysmically screwed up." I sat there trying not to show on my face that I was having this huge life revelation in front of my parents.

I realized that that is the reason I get anxiety when it comes to seeing people from my past.

Even friends that I haven't seen in two months, will give me anxiety when they ask how I'm doing now that I've moved home.

I wanted to be better than I was. I wanted to be prettier, or thinner, or more successful.

I don't like seeing people from my past because I feel as though I don't have anything to say about my life.

It isn't great.

I haven't accomplished anything.

And I have a terrible self-esteem so I believe this to be true.

But it's not.

It's not true.

I think that the way I've been living has made me this way.

Not wanting to think that I've done good.

My trying to "stay humble" has gone completely in the other direction to where I don't even take compliments well.

So why would I enjoy talking about things that I have done?

Why am I going to spew out things that I like, or accomplished if I'm just going to feel like I'm bragging, or talking too much about myself.

Why?

Because I deserve to.

I realize now that there is a difference between telling people your story and what you've accomplished.

Between sharing things you like and forcing out your opinion.

When people ask me what I've been up to, I am lying to their faces when I say "nothing much."

I just don't want to seem to eager to share myself. I never am.

My friend recently explained to me that I don't usually share myself. People don't necessarily get to know me easily. I may ask questions to try to get to know them, but I never share about me unless people ask, and even then I don't do specifics.

She said that maybe I'm just not comfortable with myself and therefore I don't represent who I am well. I won't share because I feel as though I haven't done anything.

But I want to change that. Desperately.

I don't want to be the girl who is constantly down on herself, and believing the lies that the enemy and myself tell me daily.

I deserve to have people wanting to know me. Meaning that I need to show them that I'm open to that.

I'm open to sharing my life and my interests.

So as a step forward, here are a few things about me:

-In May 2014, I graduated from Life Pacific College with my BA in Transformational Ministry. I graduated from COLLEGE. How cool is that. I made it. With loans, sure, but I made it nevertheless.

-I love movies, and tv shows, and if you honestly give Gilmore Girls a shot I'm sure you would like it.

-I love driving. Alone, with my friends, with the windows down, with the music blasting and me speeding down the road. I've also gotten two speeding tickets for that.

-My friends mean the world to me. If you become one of my close friends, you bet your bottom dollar I will be a protector, a listener, and a person that will give you advice if you want to hear it and then go do the opposite.

-I actually like pretty things. I grew up trying to be a tom-boy and I suppressed all of my feelings for anything remotely girly. So here I am now, 15 years later saying that I'm a girl, and I like pretty things sometimes.

-I have a record player. But I'll be honest, I did just buy it because of it being a trend now. But I do honestly love it.

-I moved home about two months ago because of finances, and basically needing a break from commitments. Including paying rent, and serving as my church's worship leader.

-Which theres another thing. I got to be a worship leader for about half a year. Being a worship leader is what I wanted to do for a really long time, and then I was doing it, and then kind of got burnt out really quick.

-I got a job at a financial firm, and I'm hoping to get better at finances because of it.

-This summer I recorded a low-quality demo with some of my songs on it. Something that I set my mind to and actually achieved before summer ended and my friend had to go back to school.

-I'm pretty good at doing winged eyeliner.

-I performed at an open mic and did one of my own songs. There were barely any people there and I could barely hear myself. But I did it and that's what counts.

So there's a few things about me and a few things i've done. I'm sorry if you actually read through everything. But this was something I needed to do.

"I have come to the realization that, life is more than what I have accomplished and, life is more than the realization that we have accomplished nothing at all." - Classic Crime

Identity Crisis

This weekend I had the privilege to go on vacation to Palm Springs with a few of my friends. We watched movies, ate, slept, and read magazines, on repeat.

At some point we ended up talking about couples we knew that got married and how most people end up changing because their significant other.

One of my very wise friends stated that people need to find themselves and figure out who they are before they bring someone else who has completely different interests, opinions, and values into the mix.

When I think about my desire to get married and have a family, I think about my desire to be myself.

It's funny because my whole life, as I've stated before in previous blogs, I have been the people pleaser, the one who wanted to be accepted, by guys yes, but people in general.

I've spent my whole life trying to be what other people will find attractive, funny, interesting, or just socially acceptable.

I have hated country, and then loved country again, and gotten into hardcore music, and then only listened to acoustic music.

I tried to make myself seem tough, and independent.

I tried to make myself seem more experienced and worldly.

I went from hating cussing to cussing like a sailor to hating it, to thinking it was okay, to now where I still think it's hilarious as long as people aren't getting offended.

I've spent so much time trying to be what the world wants and putting myself in roles that nobody really asked me to be in. And I am so damn tired.

I realize now that when I say I'm tired, I'm not actually tired physically, but I'm tired of spending so much time trying to fit in and be someone completely contradictory to who God created me to be.

I wasn't made to be the one who draws attention, I'm the one you get to know and figure out that I truly care about people.

I'm the one who would rather talk about you and help you than spend the time to actually help myself, which I'm seeing now, is sort of a problem sometimes.

I was made to love people, in my way.

My identity is in Christ, and it always has been.

I can live in grace by knowing that I am enough the way I am, I don't have to do anything to be loved, and I want to be a person that shows other people that they don't have to do anything to be loved.

I am loved, adored, strong, courageous, hopeful, beautiful, and on my way to joyful.

I want to live the life that God created me for, but I can't do that if I keep trying to live it as someone he didn't create me to be.

Sometimes something needs to happen to push you out of neutral

Have you ever just been completely stuck in some random place in your life and you seriously have no idea what you're going to do? 

It's like the negatives and positives of all the options you have weigh the same and you have to actually make the decision. 

Because it's not completely black and white on which option is best. 

This is me. All the time.

I don't know if I was actually ever going to say anything. But nevertheless that option is gone now. 

I could have spoken up and said something, but thinking about it now the timing was perfect.

You see I wouldn't have done anything to change where I was. I wouldn't have made the decision to drop it or bring it up.

I would have just stayed, stuck in neutral.

So this is good I think. The whole thing being ripped off of the table. 

This way all things are left in tact and not made awkward by my words or lack thereof. 

This next step is going to be hard, but I think I've decided that it will be worth it. 

I'm not in neutral anymore. I think that's what makes this okay. I think it's what makes me okay. 

I guess this is the something I needed. The something I prayed for. To throw me out of neutral. 

I Have Lived

Today while I was at work, I found myself yet again going through the motions as I started wiping down one of the counters. It's gets to the point where you are so good at something, you can keep doing it without thinking, forcing your mind to wander elsewhere.

For some reason, today, my mind decided to wander to "What would happen if I died right now?"

It's something I don't normally think of, mainly because I don't want to die.

However, I find that the biggest thing I fear is my future, because I have no idea what will happen.

Death seems easier to grasp at this moment. It's more concrete, and final. Whereas, my future, well, nothing is set in stone, and I am terrified that I'm going to screw it up.

So I continue with wiping down the counter and think of the life that I've lived. I've done some pretty cool things, none of which would count as extraordinary, mediocre at best, but cool at least.

I've made wonderful friends, terrible mistakes, and at least one or two really good comebacks. Okay, one.

If I could look at my life played back to me, I would probably see a sad story about a girl who struggled her whole life to try and fit in, be funny, pretty, skinny, etc. I would see the girl who has no life experience at all. Just someone who has been sheltered, spoiled, and complacent.

My life so far, is not something that I would consider worth living for.

I realize that my whole life so far has led up to the moment where I will walk across that stage and get my degree. But what happens after? I am so scared, because I don't know.

But you see, if I died right now, my dreams would die with me.

My dreams that have been put in my heart to reach out.

My dreams that will somehow lead me into my future, though I don't know how yet.

I want to make so many things of this life. I want people to know that God loves them.

I want people to see His light in anything I do.

I don't want life to be wasted. I want to look back on my life and be able to say that I have lived.

I am made for more than just the right now. God has a specific purpose for making me, and he's going to use me, wherever I go.

My future should not be something I'm scared about, but something I am excited for.

I get to bring glory to God and live my dreams.

I know that when the time comes I will be able to say "I have lived."

So I continued to wipe down the counters with a smile on my face, and a new hope for my future.