Inspired

If there's a person who can truly make you inspired, I think it's Olan Rogers. If you haven't had a chance to watch any of his videos, you should make time for it.

Not only is he one of the most hilarious people that I've ever seen, his Soda Parlor Documentary is inspiring as heck.

He talks about his dream of opening up this Soda Parlor to be able to spend time with people whenever he wants. This person that loves people, and getting to know them talks about how he felt that this dream almost wasn't going to come true.

If you feel like you're uninspired, discouraged, disappointed in everything including yourself, this 15 minute documentary can maybe lift your spirits just enough to allow you to breath. To allow you to realize that there is still life, and that if you're willing to work hard and fight for your dreams that you can do it, one step at a time.

I've been living in a state completely bare of any motivation, or beauty. Usually I can find the beauty in the world, but recently all I've found is anxiety, and fear that I'll be stuck here forever. A fear that I'll never live my dreams.

And then I sit in my room and wonder what my true dreams were in the first place.

Well, one of my dreams is to make it on my own. I want to be able to support myself, without the help of parents, family, or even a husband. I'm not one who has always depended on people, and being home depending completely on my parents makes me feel like I'm worthless.

Another dream is that I want to write music, and perform and I want people to like my songs. I want to live completely immersed in music. I want to have a legit EP. One that's recorded with people. I want musicians around me that make me better.

Dream number three is to be a writer. Which at this point I've done a lot more writing than I have practicing my guitar. I like writing words that could somehow make a difference. So I write teen fiction with tiny little pieces of my life in it. I want to subtly write my story in the back stories of my characters and somehow change someone's life. Like Rainbow Rowell, or Melody Carlson, or Robin Jones Gunn.

I dream of traveling. I want to road trip everywhere. I want to fly over seas, out of this country and see what it's really like out there. I want to see all these amazing sights that I've only heard about, or seen pictures of.

I dream of a family. I dream of marrying the man of my dreams and living together in a tiny house, or apartment. Coincidentally I dream of marrying the man I do music with. But that doesn't have to happen. I just want someone who will support my crazy dreams and someone whose dreams I can love to support. I can't wait to come home to the love of my life, to greet him with a kiss and to be able to hold him and not have to let go. I can't wait to wake up next to someone. Right now this is one of the most important dreams to me, however I put it last because I realize it shouldn't be the most important to me.

I want to live my life. I haven't yet learned how to share this life with someone. I can barely keep up with my relationship with God. I don't need another distraction from my Lord.

My God has given me these dreams, and I don't think He is the type to dangle something I love in front of me and not let me have it. Dreams are supposed to be work, and I get that now.

I think I just need to stop being paralyzed by fear.

I fear that others will judge me, but to be honest with myself, some probably will.

I'm afraid that people won't like my music, or my writing, but some people won't.

I'm afraid of money. I let it consume me. Constantly checking my bank account to see if I have enough. Yet I spend money on things that aren't important to me.

I'm afraid of feeling guilty for leaving a job I don't necessarily think will grow me in the areas I need it to.

I'm afraid of people being upset with me. I care too much about how people see me and my choices.

I have so many things standing in my way and I think that I need to take the time to sit before God and give everything up.

I need to set it all at his feet. I need to set it at his feet and ask that he either bless it, or close the door on it.

I watched the Soda Parlor Documentary again today. It's something that maybe I should watch daily. It makes me feel like my dreams are achievable. Which they are, I just don't know where to start. I need to find inspiration in myself. I think.

Lord help me to see the plan. Open the doors, and close the ones that I shouldn't even be looking at. Lord help me. Give me peace in my times of anxiety. Help me to immediately look to you and know that it's going to be okay. It's not my whole life. That i'm only 23 and I have the rest of my life ahead of me. Give me strength, and help me to fight for my dreams. I love you Lord. Amen.

Dream With Me

Today i was in my Organizational Dynamic class. It may sound boring... and well, it kind of is sometimes, but this class was actually interesting. 

We talked about certain types of motivational theories in the organizations. Motivation, something that propels you to do something. Kind of. 

So, i'm sitting there in class and i'm thinking about my future, and how i basically expect these opportunities to be handed to me. I want to be a recording artist, but i'm not perfecting my songs or trying to record them on my school's campus where it's free. I want to be a writer, but i've yet to finish any of the books i've started writing. And i have an amazing opportunity to go to Massachusetts, and i'm expecting some other thing to come along and take my mind off of the overly humid but lovely home of the Patriots. 

I need to get off my butt and do something. I need to make decisions, and make plans, and work harder than i am. 

I need to charge forward and hope for the best. I need to have faith that once i throw myself out there that everything i need will be provided for if i make room for God to provide. I need to plant the seeds and wait for the rain. I need to prepare for what God is going to bring. 

So as i'm sitting there in my classroom, i have this surge of motivation. This motivation that nothing can stop me. That i know whatever decision i make i can still live my dreams if i work really hard to make them happen. 

Dreams don't fall into your lap. Is basically what i've been learning this year. Dreams don't just happen. You will rarely find someone who tells you they are living their dreams, but didn't do anything to get there. 

So this is the beginning. This is where the motivation starts. Where i can begin to live my dreams, by working my butt off to get there. 

Where is home?

Is home where you were born? 

Is home where your family is?

Is home where your friends are?

Is home where your heart leads you to to make you grow?

Is home where you interned once, and felt like you were living your dreams leading worship and you can't forget any face that you encountered there?

Guys, i'm struggling. Really bad. 

I think i wanted to just back out. 

I have this amazing opportunity to go back to Massachusetts and do a year long program, or maybe stay longer, and i am thinking about turning it down. Am i running? 

I have no idea. 

While i was there the pastor gave a sermon about how God gives us freedom to choose where we go and sometimes, either choice is good, and either choice could make us happy. 

Knowing this, i think i wanted to just go home. I wanted to forget i ever fell in love with the people in Massachusetts and just get on with my life, two streets away from my beautiful nephew. 

I wanted to be by my family, and know that i'll have a safe place to come home to. And i want to keep my wonderful couch. 

But i had made my decision! I told people, i didn't want to go back. 

But then why am i still haunted by dreams of me returning to my church family in Massachusetts and being completely content? 

So i pull up the program poster, the poster for the program i helped set up, with intentions of going back. And i'm completely broken, and i feel a need to keep myself up all night just to make this decision. 

I actually just took time to see how long of a drive it would be from Washington where i'll be attending a friends wedding. 

It's like i want to, but i'm afraid. 

I'm afraid of moving on with my life. Leaving this place i gave four years of my life to. 

Leaving the reach of my parents. 

Not seeing my nephew for a very long time. Maybe once a year. 

It breaks my heart. But i'm thinking i can do it. I can at least give up a year of my life and see if i can do it. 

It will take honesty with how i feel. It will take pulling myself up by my bootstraps. And it will most definitely take a box of tissues when i tell my mother. It will take faith. But i think that is what is most important at this point. Having faith, that God is going to work it all out, no matter what state i'm in.

I think i know. I think i've always known. I also think that they always knew. That i would be coming back.