There's Something About People Believing in You.

"What was your favorite thing about school this year?" My teachers, slash, pastors, slash, friends asked me this on Thursday as we completed our last day of second year.

For a second I was just lost for words. Normally I can pin point exactly what I want to say, or at least take a minute to figure it out.

I think this time my problem was that I couldn't pick just one thing.

One, I didn't really want to think of anything because I didn't want to admit that it was over. Two, I loved almost everything about school.

Sure, there were some hard times, and things happened that at the time felt like everything was falling apart. Looking back now I can see God's hand in every single thing that happened this year.

I am stronger. I am wiser. I am definitely more confident. I was challenged in so many ways, and God gave me the strength to power through.

I am more passionate. I am filled with hope for my future.

I am finally letting creativity have my time.

I am dreaming bigger. I am dreaming out of the box. And I am doing.

A couple of weeks ago, we had a Lighthouse core team meeting. There Jamie shared his heart about "The Living Room," a new feel for the ministry building. He mentioned wanting to make these big burlap canvasses with all the Lighthouse countries on them and the city that it's in.

Immediately I started dreaming. You see Jamie had shown our class how to make stencils for spray painting and from the very moment I pulled my first stencil off of my canvas and saw a beautiful picture, I wanted to keep doing it.

After the meeting ended I went straight up to him and asked if I could do it.

Weeks later, three hours of cutting stencils, stapling and removing staples from the stencils, inhaling spray paint fumes for a couple of hours and I was done.

Nine countries were laid out before me on beautiful burlap canvasses. Nine places that I know if I were to go there at some point I would be welcomed as family. Nine Lighthouses that are standing tall and strong, encouraging people and welcoming people into their homes just as they are. Amazing leaders who choose to believe in the people who enter their doors, just as Jamie and Natalie believed in me.

You see, I was actually astounded at the fact that Jamie immediately told me to go for it. Both him and Natalie encouraging along the way, telling me what looked amazing and how awesome it was. THAT was the reason in the end it felt like one of my biggest accomplishments. Not because I thought I couldn't do it, but because of them, I knew that I could do it the whole way through.

So my second year is over. Second year is over and I don't know what is next for me. But for the first time in forever, I'm not scared.

I'm not scared of the unknown, and I'm also not scared of what's going to happen to me.

I'm hopeful. I'm excited for new beginnings and new things brewing.

I'm excited to dream, and do, and be.

I'm excited to go out and fight for what I want because I am believed in.

My friends believe in me, my pastors believe in me, and most of all God believes in me.

I Need To Get Out of the Boat.

We all know the story about Peter getting out of the boat to walk on the water to Jesus. He saw the wind and he got scared. He began to sink, So he cried out to Jesus "Lord save me!"

Then Jesus grabs him, pulls him up, and says "You of little faith...why did you doubt?"

I think we can all identify with Peter. But I identify more with the former Peter; the Peter before he takes the risk and steps out of the boat.

I sit on the edge of the boat and watch. I watch as other people take their risks and have faith getting out of the boat to be with Jesus.

See I think that I'm with Jesus, and I think that I'm taking risks, when really I'm just finding something new in the boat to catch my attention.

I've always thought that maybe I had my eyes on the waters and I was sinking and just needed to call out for Jesus to save me.

But in all reality, I don't think I've ever even trusted him enough to get out of the boat.

I've been waiting to "feel" close to the Lord, but I don't take the steps to back that desire.

I go through the motions that may make it seem like I am with Jesus out on the water.

But if anybody actually looked hard enough, they would see me back on the boat sticking my toes in the water, testing how cold it will be when I sink.

I need to trust my Lord.

I need to risk everything to be with my Lord.

I need to get out of the boat.

Snitch

I'll never forget this label. This label made me feel probably the most insecure out of all of them.

It made me think bad things about myself:

A bad friend.

A bad student.

A target for bullies.

A tattletale.

Someone who betrays.

Someone who has nothing better to do.

It's funny, because now I can sit here and understand that none of these are true.

I look back on all the times I spoke up, and every time I got the courage to say something, it was for someone else.

Every time I said something that could have labeled me a snitch, I was trying to protect someone. Whether it be their physical body, or their feelings.

I never told on someone just because.

I can remember all of the times I didn't say anything when It was just me, being picked on, made fun of, getting hurt.

But I always tried to make sure others were okay.

I never told out of spite or malice. I told out of love and concern.

I think that this is something that has bothered me for a very long time.

The fact that I felt like maybe I was a snitch.

And though I may just be trying to justify my actions by saying that I did it out of love, I believe it.

I don't believe that label applies to me. Not anymore.

I'm done carrying that around.

I'm also done allowing my past to dictate who I think I am, and instead I'm going to listen to the whisper.

The still soft whisper telling me that I am loved, and that I'm going to be okay.

That I don't have to let past labels, or labels in general, define me now.

Regrets

I lay here in bed, wishing that I didn't have to go to sleep, so that I won't have to wake up and go to a job where I feel like I'm wasting away. I like my job, don't get me wrong.

I like what I do, I've learned a lot.

But I sit here and wonder, what if?

What if I had made a different decision?

What if I had chosen to actually go back to Massachusetts?

What if I had chosen not to stick around a good church and be a worship leader?

I wouldn't have deepened a couple of friendships this summer. I would regret not having that.

I would regret not getting worship leading experience.

I would regret not being able to try being on my own. At least for a few months.

But I feel so anxious.

Like I'm headed in the wrong direction. Like I'm falling behind, on top of falling apart.

I'm becoming more vain, because I don't have much to focus on other than work and working out and how I dress.

I don't like it.

I don't like not having a lot of friends close.

Was I just scared though?

I'm wondering.

I chose not to move across the country because family, and because I wanted to be there for my church, and then because I felt like I didn't want to go and be in an uncomfortable internship type program.

But I honestly think I was scared.

Scared that they would challenge me.

Scared that I would grow, and that it would hurt.

Scared of constructive criticism.

Just scared to live.

Now I regret not going.

I regret that I couldn't just take a year and try something that could be exciting.

I could have gone on an adventure, alone, and pioneered a great program.

I could have done a worship arts program basically. Running it, and mentoring people.

I think I feel as though I'm not thriving here because there's no one to fellowship with. Really.

I just miss feeling like I was trying new things, and seeing new places.

I loved it over there, and I let my fear of growth, and my fear of people loving me, put a bad taste in my mouth and I thought that I wouldn't be able to handle it.

And now it seems that even home is suffocating me.

I want to pray about this. Honestly, because if I can talk to the pastors there, I would love to have a second chance to make my decision. It's late already, but maybe if I begged. Ha.

Truly, I know that God is everywhere, and that he blesses me anyways. I just know that I've become complacent here, and I need the accountability. I need the challenge. Because it was a challenge, and it was tiring.

But I felt the growth. I felt the strength. I would do that internship over. I would do it over twice.

Lord, give me clarity. Give me hope. I loved them all so much.

Help me to follow your will, but also to follow my heart and not the words of others around me.

I have lived so much of my life based on other people's actions, or words of what I should or shouldn't do. I'm tired.

I'm done. Really. I'm done feeling as though I can't handle things.

I'm done feeling as though I need someone to go with me.

This may seem like a late night ramble, and maybe it is. But I want to love hard. And I want to live harder.

I want to charge into this life. I want to be fearless when it comes to the world and have full faith that my lord will provide.

So I will pray,

Lord, help me to have the peace that comes from your spirit. I know that this world gets crazy, and that things will never be perfect. But I also pray that you will help me to not be afraid to take leaps. Huge leaps of faith. If this is something that could be remotely possible, lord give me peace. I don't want this to be one of those things that it a great idea in the moment and then I regret it completely later. I feel as though I've missed my window, but Lord, help me to decide. I think that my life is so full of indecisiveness that maybe just making a decision would be easiest. Help Lord, I need you. I need you like the air I breathe.

Amen.

My Attempt at "Fiction"

"I don't know what to do now." She said, having decided it was time she finally spoke up. It was in this moment where the realization that she didn't have any real dreams came to surface. She looked him in the eyes and she saw it, the sadness had now taken over him.

There was no reason for him to be sad, she was just voicing her thoughts, or at least what she had been feeling for the past five months. She didn't know what to do. The eye contact seemed to last longer than forever until he finally looked down and out the window. "What?" She asked him, trying to make sense of why he hadn't spoken yet.

"I can't." He said quickly, without shifting. She looked down at her folded hands in her lap shaking, contemplating how to go on further.

"I just, I wanted to be honest." She mumbled. "I don't think I could ever forget about it, if I didn't tell you first." She tried so hard to force down the tears, and the nerves that were attempting to get her whole body, instead of just her hands. She had never let it get this far. Falling in love with someone always seemed too scary for her so she never took the leap. She hadn't let herself get to this point, not for a long time. The last time almost broke her completely.

"I get it." He said, invading her thoughts, she looked up and he was looking into her eyes again. It's like those eyes could stop anything, her heart at least. "I just don't know what I should say."

This is what she was waiting for wasn't it? The great rejection? Why did she think that it would be any different than the last time? Why on earth did she let herself get to the point of love without shutting it down? She was being careless. She was careless. How could she let this happen? She felt her heart clench and it wasn't letting go. Is this what heart break feels like? You get to the point where you can't hold it in any longer, so you need to tell that person? She thought. But then she finally uttered the words and silence.

As she had sat there after telling him her feelings, she watched his expression. She watched it go from content to extremely confused. She had said it right, right? She kept playing it over and over in her head, until she realized neither of them had said anything for the past two minutes. They had just sat there, in the silence. That's when she decided to speak up. Now knowing that her feelings weren't reciprocated, because otherwise he would have said something. That's when she decided to lay everything out on the table. This table that once had all their friends gathered around it, now just them because she had asked him to stay.

You see, when she got here, she figured that she would just meet someone, and then go with them wherever they went. She would be one to follow. She didn't mind it, because well, she didn't have any big dreams. She'll just latch on to someone else's and go with them. She didn't mind, she actually preferred it. But now...?

As she sat there, her hands still in her lap, shaking. She realized that she had put all her hopes into something completely one-sided. She had hoped for him too hard. She put her heart into something that was dangerous. It was probably the biggest risk she had ever taken, loving someone whether or not they loved her back. Is this how God feels every time he shows us love? She thought. Sitting there, hoping and praying that they will receive it and decide to love you back? Because here she was, hoping and praying, but breaking at the seams.

He sat there, completely silent. As she tried to steady her breathing, her heart. She looked down again and she began to lose it. She lost the tears that she had been pushing down, and her whole body began to shake. She needed to leave. She looked up one last time to indicate that she was done, her heart was on her sleeve for too long and it needed to go back inside and start beating again. She knew that she would remember this. She would remember this moment as a defining moment in her life. The time where she took the leap, she took the risk of putting her heart out there and it was rejected; sent back to it's perfectly safe cave in her chest, wounded...

She looked into his eyes, and saw it again, the confusion. She pushed herself back in her chair to get up and he stopped her by placing his hand on hers.

"Stop" he said. Looking as though he was still unsure of what he was saying. It seemed as though he was acting out of character, and right as she thought it he noticed. He removed his hand from hers and leaned back in his chair, still holding eye contact with her.

As the tears seemed to stop, leaving her with mascara stains on her face, she slowly sat back into the chair unsure of what to expect.

He looked at her, still confused but a little less so than before. "Stay" he mumbled, his voice shaking, he looked down.

"What?" She said, not having heard him over her obnoxiously loud heart beat.

"I said stay..." Finally certain that the words that were leaving his mouth were true, he looked up and into her eyes. "I want you to stay."

I won't change for anyone, other than the one who created me.

You see, I used to do this thing.

I'm sure that everyone has done it.

Sometimes when there are people we want to impress, we change things about ourselves.

We tell little fibs, or we take on interests that weren't actually our interests a day before. 

We joke more intensely. We do pretty much everything more intensely just so that person will notice.

I did this a lot in high school. 

I remember being at my friends house and I liked his younger brother, who just happened to like heavier music. 

I however, still listened to Avril Lavigne and had Switchfoot on repeat.

When I found out he liked that type of music, I went home and downloaded all of the Thousand Foot Krutch that my brother had. Because to me that was heavy music. (So Dumb).

Then whenever we would go hangout at that house and go swimming I would bring my iPod along for after and then listen to it obnoxiously loud so maybe he would hear, I think I'm still paying for that.

I also started disliking country because someone I liked hated it.

Then I started liking country again when I liked someone here at Life my sophomore year. 

You see, I don't necessarily regret those things, because I got introduced to some really great music. 

But it's when I see myself start to act different, or more intense. Or even louder because I desperately want them to notice me. 

I realize this. And I'm seriously pissed off at myself. 

For so long I have changed the things I say or do, or like, all because of someone else.

Who were they going to fall for? Because it sure as heck wasn't me. 

This person with random interests and stupid jokes and terrible taste (that I can see now) is not someone I would want to fall for, so why do I expect to have someone fall for me, when it's not me? 

This is why I've made up my mind

See, I no longer want to be this girl who has a different personality, or different set of interests every few weeks. 

I don't want to be this girl who is afraid to share her own taste with the world. 

I don't want to live in fear of being rejected by people.

I am no longer the person who is so easily swayed by other people's opinions, or interests. 

So yeah, I like Avril Lavigne. I like Thousand Foot Krutch, I like some country music. I like so many things that I am not going to stop liking because some guy doesn't like them. I also don't like certain things, and it's going to stay that way. 

I was made to be a kind, loving, and compassionate woman. That is who I want to be. You know. With her share of sarcastic remarks and jokes about hating children. 

My God made me a unique person. I have a heart that, is yes easily hurt, but it beats for one reason. To praise Him who made me. And to praise Him the way He made me. 

So, I won't change for anyone, other than the one who created me.

I Move to Be With My Father

Chapel today was a huge wake up call. Well, at least more than usual. 

This woman spoke about her experience with going to Indonesia to love on women who are being sold into prostitution daily. 

After telling us this amazing story of love and compassion, she reads a letter she wrote to the school about compassion. 

A letter that is full of conviction to move. A letter that told the whole school that we need to move out with compassion. 

We need to be where the Father is. 

Like in the story of the Prodigal Son, the other son who stayed and was faithful, though he was doing what his father was asking of him, his father wasn't even there. The son was in the house doing who knows what, and the father was moved by compassion to go to his returning son and to celebrate his coming home. 

She spoke about this moving because of compassion. She tells us that we all desire this comfortable home, but that God will not be there, he won't give us this comfort. He wont be in the house with the fireplace and the warm cozy couch. He will be out in the road in the wind, waiting for us to follow because of compassion, to follow because we know the Lord isn't there anymore. God has moved, and we need to follow Him with compassion. 

Yesterday, i was speaking to one of my pastors, the one from Massachusetts. And i basically poured out my heart to her telling her i had no idea what i was going to do. Then she asked what my options were, and i told her either go to Massachusetts where every bit of me would be stretched and shaped and grown, or go home. At home i would have the comfort of my family and my friends, but at Massachusetts i would be where i would grow.

I told her that in the past, i've always made decisions that would cause the most growth. This message was the perfect thing that i could have heard today. The "home" that this woman spoke of today, is the city of Hollister for me. The smooth country road, and the past, and everything i know. And going out, is this place in Massachusetts, where i would finally be forced to start living my dreams, where i would move to be with my Father. I can't stay in Hollister because that's not where my Father is anymore, He's moved out, and moved on to more, and i need to follow Him. Because if there is one thing i will always do in my life, i move to be with my Father.