Lately I've been searching for that moment of clarity.
The moment that my whole life will somehow come into focus and I could make a choice on what my future would entail.
However, that moment never came.
I just graduated from college and I have no clue what the hell I'm doing.
I am running out of money, time and unfortunately motivation.
I've applied at so many jobs that it seems like I'm just going through the motions waiting for some company to throw me a bone.
If there is one thing you should know about me, it's that I'm scared to put myself out there.
I know I need to go to businesses and show them my face and my interest in their company.
But it scares me. I'm an introvert. I suck at small talk. And somehow I can make a simple encounter the most awkward occurrence you could ever be so blessed to take part in.
So. No job for me. Not yet anyways.
After school I had decided to stick around town and try to make it work here. I had a place to stay for the summer and if I could get a job, God willing, I could save and move in with a bunch of other girls so we could afford one apartment.
It's been about a month and a half. No such luck.
I broke down on Saturday. I think it was needed. I never take break downs as a bad thing, if I did I would be beating myself up for having them almost every few weeks.
You see, I've been trying to fit myself into this mold. This mold of having everything together, and having a good job right off the bat and knowing exactly what I want to be doing with my life. But that's not me.
I recently read this article that stated something about figuring out your calling and how it sometimes takes time and preparation before you can actually get out there and do it. The article also said that sometimes people who don't know their calling jump on to other peoples. I can say from personal experience that this doesn't end very well.
Every since I was a kid I would do this. I would jump on to other people's dreams, or plans. My friend wanted to play flute in band and I wanted to continue hanging out with her so what did I do? I picked up the flute. One of my best friends said she wanted to move to Portland after she graduated so we both went on a road trip to Portland to see how we liked it, I don't think it's for me. I know I'm not cut out for certain things, like backpacking, or being a missionary.
I keep trying to push myself into these plans that weren't made for me, they were made for those other people I see thriving in them.
The one thing that has always been all me is music. I have always written songs, and played guitar and sang. I have always wanted to be a rockstar. That's my dream. To go play low key shows and to sing my heart out. But I need to prepare. That's the thing. I need to prepare for it all.
This week I found out my sister-in-law is pregnant again and I am going to be an auntie again. So much joy has been brought to me by just being an aunt and seeing my nephew grow taller and cuter (if that's even possible). Now that I know I can be a more permanent part of it that makes me happy. I can go home and be in my nephew's life and my whole family's life. I don't have to pick up and go back to school. My stay could be indefinite.
I've told so many people that I was going to try and stick around, but I think I was just scared of going home and getting stuck. It's so easy to get stuck in Hollister.
My parent's want me home. And I'm running out of reasons to not go back home.
When I got the text telling me that my sister-in-law was pregnant again and the baby was healthy, that was the moment where everything shot into focus. I love my family. I love my family with all my being and I want to be there with them.
I can do music anywhere. But my family is in Hollister.
So maybe I go home. I go home and practice my music, and write more, and improve and PREPARE. Prepare for the day that I can finally go up on a stage and sing my heart out. Going home can maybe be my time of preparation. Maybe.