Words With Friends

Today I had a conversation with a couple of friends about, well, liking people. We shared stories, and talked about views on how to go about telling people you like them.

I didn't necessarily disagree with anything that was said. I mean I do think it would be nice if a woman didn't have to make the first move, but I don't think that men have to be the only ones to.

I know in the past I've put myself out there first. It was always kind of awkward for me. I would like people and I guess I would want to be with them. But when I would open up and say that I liked them, I didn't necessarily expect a response, or ask them if they liked me back.

I think I just assumed that if they liked me back they would tell me.

My friend mentioned that he thought girls should be the ones to tell the guys they liked them. Because guys are less likely to get weirded out and feel they need to act differently.

Women on the other hand could and probably would change their whole schedule so they didn't bump into you on the way to class and give you the wrong idea. (I may or may not have done this).

I guess it's true. At least for me. Every time I've told someone I liked them, I was actually the one to back off. They could have said they were flattered but only liked me as a friend and I would get awkward and weird and stop going out of my way to talk to them.

Maybe this is why I have stopped telling people. Maybe I got to the point where I ruined too many friendships for myself. It wasn't worth it in the end to say anything.

I think some people are just too scared to say anything, and I completely understand. But at some point, somewhere down the line, there's going to be someone. There's going to be someone that you know you can't live without. And then, fear itself couldn't be enough to hold you back from expressing how you feel.

And you never know. Maybe they were just too scared to tell you they felt the same.

Impacted

There have been very few times in my life where I have been fully encompassed by sadness to the point where I couldn't breathe. And by very few, I mean that there have been two times that I remember vividly. The first time was December 6th, 2014. I had been leading worship at my church since my graduation in May and I was working at a donut shop and living with five other girls.

I had gained so many good friends in those short six months. So many people who stood by my side when I started getting burnt out. People who helped talk me through my past and show me that none of what happened was my fault.

Those people impacted my life so much that leaving literally felt like each and every one of them were being ripped from my heart. I left for reasons that now seem completely ridiculous, but I'm glad I did it. I'm glad that I endured crying six hours straight on my drive to my parents house because that decision led me to another decision.

The decision to move to Mammoth.

And to my dismay become a part of another amazing group of friends who loved me so much I started to love myself. They loved me so much that I started gaining confidence, I started seeing my worth, I started seeing that I have power and authority. God showed me that, but he also surrounded me with people that were going to hold me to believing nothing less. One in particular.

Which brings me to the second time, last Monday. Multiple people left Mammoth to go off and do new things, or follow dreams, or go back to the UK. It was probably the most emotional day I've had since that last one. Once I said goodbye to my roommate Jesse it was like my heart was completely numb and done saying goodbye to amazing people that I love.

I cried all day. And a little bit into the night. But surprisingly enough on Tuesday I only cried once, and it was because my roommate started crying first and I'm a sympathy crier.

In the midst of all the sadness, and the missing pieces, I know that it's going to be okay. Because I know that it only hurts this bad because it was good.

If I had to say goodbye to people and feel no sadness at all, then what real friendship did I have with them?

What You See is Not What Everyone Else Sees

This morning I woke up with my bun on the very top of my head and at least half of my hair had fallen out from the bottom. In that moment, I knew it was going to be a bad hair day.

My hair was greasy, and my part was now, thanks to my bun, indecipherable.

I finally got ready and did my best to style my hair, ending up with it in a pony tail.

I did my make-up and I picked out my outfit for the day.

Feeling fine with myself, I made my way across the property to the camp office and began my weekly task of cleaning the office.

I was sweeping when one of my roommates walked in to ask me a question.

As they were making their way out the door they stopped and said "you are having a good hair day. What's different?"

And then I say hesitantly, "It's in a pony tail."

"Oh." He replied, "I like it. You wearing make-up?"

"Yes." I say.

"Lipstick?" He asked further.

"Yup." I reply, now just completely taken aback.

"I like it." He said and then turned and left.

As I continued sweeping I felt my "feeling fine" mood lift off of me, and I felt full on happy with how the day had turned out.

There were two things that I realized through this experience.

One being that you never know how someone is feeling about themselves. I was feeling basically crappy about how my hair looked today and then now I feel great.

Because someone went out on a limb and decided to compliment me, I instantly felt better. So we should never hold back when trying to encourage people.

Two being that people see us very differently then we see ourselves. We are our own worst critic, and somehow sometimes we don't think good things about ourselves, when on the opposite end people could think the world of us.

We could think we look crappy as hell, and then people tell us that we need to keep doing what we're doing because we look great. What even is that?

As I begin to walk out this newfound confidence in the fact that I am totally and completely ridiculous when it comes to overthinking my appearance, I hope that you realize that people see you very differently then you see yourself.

So when you look in the mirror just remember, what you see is not what everyone else sees.

Friends

Last night I had the privilege to go out ice skating with a few of my friends and then a bunch of other people that I have never met before.

As we tried our best in balancing and not falling on our butts we not only bonded further, but I got to meet and laugh with people that I didn’t even know.

Now if you know me at all, you know that this is a great success, seeing as i’m an introvert and don’t say much when i’ve just met people.

I went in to this night thinking it could be awkward, but it ended up being a really fun night. One of many to come I hope.

I think that as i’ve grown older, i’ve grown more comfortable with myself and who I am and know that it’s okay to be who I am right away. That I don’t have to ease people into getting to know me. That i should just be myself right away, and if they like me they like me, if they don’t, well, their loss.

I’m not conceited, but i’ve become more confident.

I know that I try my hardest to be a good friend, and to have somewhat good morals. I know that I want to be there for people and to laugh with people and make people feel good about themselves. Who wouldn’t want a friend like that?

This picture is of my roommate (on left) and I (on right) at a dance our school calls “social.” This woman is one of my best friends. Someone who knows me, and laughs with me, and laughs at me. She’s there when I need her and she is cute as hell. I’m glad that she is my friend and that she allows me to be these things with her as well.

Friends are people who allow each other to be who they are, all of who they are, without judgment, laughter maybe, but not judgment.

I enjoy these friendships and I know now that they are something that I need to appreciate more.