There's Something About People Believing in You.

"What was your favorite thing about school this year?" My teachers, slash, pastors, slash, friends asked me this on Thursday as we completed our last day of second year.

For a second I was just lost for words. Normally I can pin point exactly what I want to say, or at least take a minute to figure it out.

I think this time my problem was that I couldn't pick just one thing.

One, I didn't really want to think of anything because I didn't want to admit that it was over. Two, I loved almost everything about school.

Sure, there were some hard times, and things happened that at the time felt like everything was falling apart. Looking back now I can see God's hand in every single thing that happened this year.

I am stronger. I am wiser. I am definitely more confident. I was challenged in so many ways, and God gave me the strength to power through.

I am more passionate. I am filled with hope for my future.

I am finally letting creativity have my time.

I am dreaming bigger. I am dreaming out of the box. And I am doing.

A couple of weeks ago, we had a Lighthouse core team meeting. There Jamie shared his heart about "The Living Room," a new feel for the ministry building. He mentioned wanting to make these big burlap canvasses with all the Lighthouse countries on them and the city that it's in.

Immediately I started dreaming. You see Jamie had shown our class how to make stencils for spray painting and from the very moment I pulled my first stencil off of my canvas and saw a beautiful picture, I wanted to keep doing it.

After the meeting ended I went straight up to him and asked if I could do it.

Weeks later, three hours of cutting stencils, stapling and removing staples from the stencils, inhaling spray paint fumes for a couple of hours and I was done.

Nine countries were laid out before me on beautiful burlap canvasses. Nine places that I know if I were to go there at some point I would be welcomed as family. Nine Lighthouses that are standing tall and strong, encouraging people and welcoming people into their homes just as they are. Amazing leaders who choose to believe in the people who enter their doors, just as Jamie and Natalie believed in me.

You see, I was actually astounded at the fact that Jamie immediately told me to go for it. Both him and Natalie encouraging along the way, telling me what looked amazing and how awesome it was. THAT was the reason in the end it felt like one of my biggest accomplishments. Not because I thought I couldn't do it, but because of them, I knew that I could do it the whole way through.

So my second year is over. Second year is over and I don't know what is next for me. But for the first time in forever, I'm not scared.

I'm not scared of the unknown, and I'm also not scared of what's going to happen to me.

I'm hopeful. I'm excited for new beginnings and new things brewing.

I'm excited to dream, and do, and be.

I'm excited to go out and fight for what I want because I am believed in.

My friends believe in me, my pastors believe in me, and most of all God believes in me.

You Believed In Me.

Not a day goes by where I don't think about you. Miss you. I think about all the conversations and all the encouragements, and I never forget how you believed in me.

You always told me to forget the world and prove them wrong.

You told me that what I had to offer was amazing, and it was worthy.

You encouraged my voice and told me how to break out and use it.

You seemed safe enough. And to my surprise you still are.

Even the memory of you holds it's own encouragement, that people like you exist.

You hold me to my dreams. You call out the gold and God never even told you to.

Somehow, along the way, you believing in me caused me to believe in myself.

I feel my value, and my confidence in that value growing.

Something I don't remember is ever feeling like I disappointed you.

You never called me condemned, but you convicted in a loving way.

After all of this, I sit here and still write to you. Letters, poems, songs.

I write and I do so because you inspire me. I do so because you told me how much I could do. You always told me there was more, and to reach for the stars.

So you are not here, and even though I'm sad, I'm living.

I'm living life, dreaming of my future and dreaming up things I never would have dreamed up.

And I do so, because you believed in me.

How I Got Here

I never used to think of things in the big picture perspective. I've always thought, things happened, and then other completely unrelated things happened, and that even more things will continue to happen.

It was never, things happened because other things happened.

But now I fully believe that everything, at least almost everything is connected.

So with that said, I would like to tell you how I got here, November 21 2015, sleepless at 4:45 am.

It all started with my seeking out another job in May.

I got a job offer and gave my notice at my current job. Then a week before my time of employment was up, the other job was seemingly less likely.

A little stressed I decided to still go on a road trip with my best friend two weeks later. I arrived in Mammoth Lakes, CA on July 12th, 2015. Immediately it felt like home and like I had purpose here.

After a week of wondering what I should do, I ended up emailing the other place and saying I would be staying in Mammoth. I applied for the school at Lighthouse, and I waited. I waited for God to provide, and He did.

In the two months between the time I arrived and the time the school started I dealt with a lot of stuff that I had willingly taken on while being home. Things that weren't my responsibility or things that were just lies. So already I had an amazing amount of healing.

School started and it was the most amazing shift I think I've ever been through. I went from "being done" with school to not being able to wait to go to school the next day.

The third week of school we went on a trip to Redding and I prophesied over someone for the first time, and it's as if I had been doing it the whole time.

This past week a fellow student talked a lot about how people have fear of man, and how Moses had fear of man and that's where Aaron came in. Every time she would mention it, I would feel myself kind of stiffen. I think deep down I knew that that was exactly what I struggled with in my walk with God, being afraid of what everyone would think or say.

Last night, the camp's developing worship team (four staff members) got together to have a mini worship practice. We were going for a couple of minutes and two of my friends got up and went into another room, and I was left sitting next to my roommate Jacob.

He was playing the guitar and singing and I was just sitting there. A couple minutes before I had felt God say, well at least I thought He said, to lift my hands to Him. However, I've always been pretty reserved in my worship. But when it was just Jacob and me, I decided, you know what, and I raised both arms straight up into the air and began praying.

I began to pray that I wouldn't be afraid of what people thought anymore. That I wouldn't have a fear of man, but a fear of God. I didn't want to hold back in worship because I thought people would think how I worshipped was weird. So I prayed this prayer and put my hands down feeling satisfied.

If that little prayer from my end could make me feel satisfied, you will understand why what happened next left me completely crippled.

Almost as soon as the other girls came back Jacob started playing the opening riff to You Won't Relent. And as earlier discussed with him, I was going to be singing it. So I started singing the first verse, and my friend began to tremble under the Holy Spirit probably about four words in.

I continued singing, happy that she was having that experience, and focused on the words and my voice. By the time I had sang through the second part twice I couldn't do anymore. I hadn't noticed right away but I had been physically shaking the whole time I was singing, and it wasn't because I was nervous. The Holy Spirit was on me.

I stopped singing, because I couldn't. I was basically paralyzed. It felt like every inch of me was vibrating and I couldn't move. I didn't sing for the rest of the night, and very gradually the shaking feeling faded. Though I could still barely make my way to the car because my legs felt so weird.

When I arrived home I went straight to the bathroom washed my tear stricken face and came upstairs to lay down. Not sleep. Just lay down and let myself bask in what had just happened, and allow myself to fully calm down. For about an hour I laid on my bed and just thought about how God has answered my prayer. Since the day I arrived in Mammoth I've been asking God to show me His presence, to let His spirit fall on me.

I actually have a song that says "Jesus speak to me, let your presence fall, and we will sing." Little did I know when I wrote that, that it would be almost impossible for me to even speak when His presence came on me.

At some point I fell asleep and woke up around 1:30 this morning, and I've been awake every since.

You know when you are waiting for something to happen and you can't fall asleep the night before? Or something so good happens that you're too happy to sleep?

I honestly don't know which it is, probably both, but I am still wide awake. It's 5:08 am. What the heck.

Anyways, back to my point.

It was all connected.

I have repeatedly told people that I probably wouldn't have been here if I hadn't have gone for that first job that I gave my notice for. If I hadn't of quit ahead of time, I wouldn't have felt okay leaving. But because I had already gone out on a limb, I decided why the hell not?

Literally? "Why the hell not?" Is how I ended up here?

I don't fully believe that, but that's how it started. But since then God has opened every door, and the next, and the next. I went from a place of anxiety and depression, to healing and His presence.

God knew that I wasn't ready to just jump right in. I needed healing first. It was all those steps that led me to last night and being able to lay down my fear at the cross, and feel His presence.

That is how I got here, sleepless at 5:14 in the morning on November 21, 2015. I'm tired, and ecstatic and just in awe of what God managed to completely change in me in one night. Now I am left wanting more.

But first sleep because I need to be up in an hour.