Caught Up

Sometimes I let things take over. I let feelings steer the whole car and I sit back and watch myself crash and burn.

I get caught up.

I get caught up in words. In actions. In things that don't call for reading into, and yet, here I go.

I overanalyze.

and I'm done.

I'm done trying to read into actions.

I'm done trying to read between the lines of what someone says.

I am honestly sick of myself trying to tell if someone had an underlying meaning in something innocent they said to me.

I need to just take people for their words. I need to take it all at face value.

I can't live a life where I think that someone likes me, or rather, doesn't like me because they said something in a certain tone.

I refuse to constantly think that someone is mad at me because they aren't talking, when really, maybe they just don't want to talk.

My internal processor has really run away with all of this. I blame being an introvert.

Maybe this is my life test. Shutting down my mind long enough to realize I'm being completely ridiculous.

But also shutting down outside encouragements and other peoples over analyzing.

Sometimes we just need to take a person for their word. And no one else's.

But maybe that's just me...

Today

Today held new things. 

I was happy. Yet most of the day, and even now i'm alone. 

No need to please anyone, or do anything i don't want to. 

I hate being guilted, or manipulated to hanging out with people. 

And lately i feel like it's been like that a lot. 

I've been home for two weeks and i think this has been the first day i've actually been alone. Time for myself. Getting to be in peace i guess. 

It's not that i don't enjoy company, because i do. But when it's forced, or loud and obnoxious company? Yeah yeah...

I know i complain a lot. But this is really my only vice. It's not like i'm going to broadcast my feelings all over Facebook, or to everyone around me. 

Sometimes i need to be alone. Sometimes i just want to straight up tell people i don't feel like hanging out, not just with them (or maybe) but in general. Does that make me a bad person? 

Okay, i'm going to be completely transparent for a minute. Throughout highschool i had a couple toxic friendships. Friendships that consisted of lies, manipulation, false fronts, deceit, breaking trust, and people going behind my back. 

However, i forgave and somewhat forgot. What i could anyways. And these people are still my friends, closeish friends. I don't think they truly understand what they put my through, or what consequences have been evident in my life since. 

I have major trust issues, and i can always tell when people are trying to guilt me or manipulate me. I can tell if you're being fake. I can tell when you are lying or making up stories. No, i'm not a lie detector. I'm just saying, i've been around the block and i know. 

So all that said, quite bluntly i apologize, i can't stand more than a few hours being with people who have hurt me that much. I am kind of getting to the point where i almost can't at all. So much still feels fake, or seems like a show. 

So yeah, time alone is good.