Right now I have two good friends who are on their way to visit me. One I have known for about four years and the other I've known of for four years but only became really close with this summer.
Last night I was talking to her about how I've basically isolated myself since being home, no old friends, no new ones. Just work and I've barely been invested in church.
She told me that when she first got married she felt very isolated too, until we started hanging out.
It's funny how you end up bonding with people right when you need someone the most.
I needed someone. And she made an effort to be my friend, and invite me over even if we just watched tv.
She needed someone. And I made the effort to get to know her better, and to be honest, she became my best friend.
I think that sometimes we don't think things mattered until someone tells you.
Recently I hung out with an old close friend, the first time since I've been home. I met her at her house where her father was too and he started questioning why I haven't been around.
Come to find out later, my friend had thought that I didn't want to be close with her because I hadn't reached out to hang out since being home.
I felt terrible.
Honestly.
This girl that was my favorite person when we were kids and still to this day, thought that I didn't like her.
She only told me this after I told her that I would consider her a close friend until the day I die.
I think we don't tell people they matter enough.
I've been home for almost four months, and I haven't attended my old church, and I haven't seen anyone from there.
They all know that I'm back.
After this realization with my friend, I thought about it.
These people, that always supported me and loved me and even helped me pay for school, probably think that I want nothing to do with them.
When really all I needed was time, and they pushed, and I withdrew. Until I had fully isolated myself into a workout, work, tv show, sleep stupor.
That's when I made my decision to go back, and to look the people that love me in the eye and tell them how much they actually do matter to me, despite my actions.
I've lived my life and had many different types of friendships.
Toxic friendships. Loving friendships. Shallow friendships. Healthy friendships. You name it.
But the ones that I always remember are the ones that mattered.
The ones that were natural, not forced.
The ones that spiraled into every summer day running around looking for adventure.
The ones that brought equal growth. Where you challenge each other and even have to be brutally honest but it works, and you both thrive.
The ones that teach you life lessons, which may hurt, and it may end, but it was a lesson nonetheless.
People have always told me things about myself; that i'm mysterious, that I'm "cool, calm, and collected," that I'm stoic.
Whatever the heck that means.
But I think the fact that I'm not very vocal about certain things makes it hard for people to understand.
I thrive on relationships. I love my friends.
But I NEED to tell them. I need to let them know how much I truly cherish their presence in my life, and their existence altogether.
I need to smile more to reassure that I'm having a good time.
I need to let them know they matter.
We need to let the people in our lives know they matter.
Lets say it until we sound like a broken record, and then keep going.
"I love you."
"I'm thankful for you in my life."
"You matter to me."
"Thank you for being my friend when I desperately needed one."
It's important. People are important. Tell them.