Going Afraid

Over and over again I have had the realization that sometimes in life you are just going to be afraid, but you're going to have to do it anyways. Yesterday I was at a coffeeshop with some friends and we were all working on different projects. This girl walks in and apparently knows one of my friends and he introduced us to her.

Later, when I was about to leave, my friend looks at me and says "you should give her a word" pointing at his friend.

For those of you who don't know what that means. It basically means asking God if He wants to say anything to someone, a word of encouragement or a prophetic word. Listening. And then sharing it with someone.

Without missing a beat, I say "I don't have anything."

"You didn't even ask" he says. Which threw me. Honestly. In my past three years of being involved in a ministry school and a church that does prophetic ministry, no one has ever challenged me in this way. If I had said I didn't have anything people would take my word for what it was and not push it. But he pushed it.

I walked downstairs to go to the bathroom and I was like fine I'll ask.

So I just say (in my head) God do you have anything for her?

And then I saw this picture. Shoot. He did have something for her.

I heard someone come into the restroom and I was like oh if that's her I can tell her really quick and leave and not have to encounter my friend who had challenged me.

It wasn't her. And so I paced around for a good minute before I got up the courage to walk back upstairs. I looked to where she was sitting and there was my friend smiling at me because he knew.

I walked over and super awkwardly gave her the word I thought God was speaking to her. And this girl who I knew nothing about got up and gave me a hug saying "that means so much to me."

I was so relieved. I said goodbye and started walking out and I heard her say to my friend "did you tell her anything?"

It was one of those dumb humbling moments where you're like "Okay God, I get it."

That was more important than my fear. The fact that this girl, who for all I know doesn't believe in God, knew that in that moment God knew her and loved her.

I have been fighting my fear for a long time thinking that I can't do things if I'm afraid, but that is not even close to being the case.

Almost always there will be fear, and there will be the opportunity to do it anyways.

Yesterday, I chose doing it anyways. I chose going forward afraid, but trusting that God had me.

And everyday I will trust in the fact that God always has me, and that even if I am afraid, I can do it anyways.

Hard Goodbyes

A couple of weeks ago, we had a ministry meeting at the camp. This meeting included the two staff members, the three guys living with us, and my boss and her family.

It was an amazing time of our fearless leader opening up about her crazy awesome testimony to three guys who don't necessarily believe in God.

Once the sharing time was over, she had us all go around in a circle and say what we liked about each other. (Undercover prophetic words if you will).

When it came to my turn for everyone to tell me what they liked about me, it was all good stuff, but there was one thing that stayed on my heart and mind. There was a lot said about how people wished I had opened up more.

I brushed it off that night, but a couple of days later I brought it up to my friend Rachel. "I didn't realize that I was so closed off..." In a moment of full vulnerability and letting go of previously conceived thoughts about myself, I allowed my friend to speak words into my life.

There were a lot of tears, and a lot of things that were brought up that stung, but in the end I had gotten down to what the issue was.

I had been so conditioned by words, and judgment from my childhood, that I expected everyone I met to have judged me before I even spoke, and decide that I wasn't good enough. This is why when I meet people I don't necessarily open up right away, or sometimes even talk. I've been so scared of what people are going to think of me. I have hesitated with friendships or conversations because of a false judgment I put on myself.

"Oh well they'll think this..."

"They probably think that I'm..."

"They are too cool to talk to me..."

I doubt myself. I have lacked this confidence in who I am, since I was a little girl being called names on the playground.

So it shouldn't have been a surprise to me that these new guys felt as though I wasn't opening up. It's because I wasn't. I was hiding. I didn't want them to see me because I was scared the real me wasn't good enough.

After this conversation, I made a decision. I was going to open up to them, even if it was utterly terrifying.

And because of this I had an amazing last week and a half with them.

I even offered to drive them to San Francisco. I made a nine hour road trip with three guys I had only known a month, two of which didn't speak much english.

One of them actually became a huge encourager to me. He was honestly the hardest one to say goodbye to.

I hugged them all and I drove home.

As I drove, I started crying. These three guys had become part of a family in our house. Always there. Always joking around. I already missed them.

It was such a hard goodbye.

And yet, the only thing that I regret, was not opening up to them sooner.

Caught Up

Sometimes I let things take over. I let feelings steer the whole car and I sit back and watch myself crash and burn.

I get caught up.

I get caught up in words. In actions. In things that don't call for reading into, and yet, here I go.

I overanalyze.

and I'm done.

I'm done trying to read into actions.

I'm done trying to read between the lines of what someone says.

I am honestly sick of myself trying to tell if someone had an underlying meaning in something innocent they said to me.

I need to just take people for their words. I need to take it all at face value.

I can't live a life where I think that someone likes me, or rather, doesn't like me because they said something in a certain tone.

I refuse to constantly think that someone is mad at me because they aren't talking, when really, maybe they just don't want to talk.

My internal processor has really run away with all of this. I blame being an introvert.

Maybe this is my life test. Shutting down my mind long enough to realize I'm being completely ridiculous.

But also shutting down outside encouragements and other peoples over analyzing.

Sometimes we just need to take a person for their word. And no one else's.

But maybe that's just me...

The Three Words That Lose Their Meaning

Lately i've been struggling with three things. 

And those three things happen to profess the one feeling i've never felt for someone special. 

The words I, Love, and You have this strange meaning when they are all strung together. All by their lonesome they are just words, but put together in the right order and you get a love professed. 

I've never loved a man. At least i don't think i have. Not yet anyways. 

I love my friends. I love my family. I love movies. I love a lot of things. But sometimes saying it just doesn't seem right. 

Countless times friends have said "i love you" to me, and out of habit i say " i love you too." 

It's not that i don't love them, or that it's annoying to say. But i feel like the more i say it to others, the more it loses it's meaning. When i finally get to a place where i can string those meaningless words together and utter them with full confidence and feeling to the man i've been waiting my whole life for, i want it to mean everything. 

I remember when i had my first and only boyfriend (of only a day) and he said "i love you" to me three hours after we starting "going out." This is not love. And it wasn't love when i typed them back to him right after. It was a response. It was automatic. 

Saying "i love you" shouldn't be automatic. Or a way to ease the pain of an insult. Saying "i love you" should be a way of telling a person that you care for them deeply, that they are a friend or someone special in your life. "I love you" is not a way to get what you want, it is a way to express how you truly feel about a person; you love them.

When i say these words i usually mean them, but even in my life it has become an automatic response. "I just love you!" -They will say, and i will just reply "i love you too." At those moments, i don't even really think about it, i just say it. It doesn't take away the fact that i do feel those things. But i need to be more intentional about it.

God gave us His love, and He gave us the ability to love others. Lets not take it for granted by speaking empty words, but let us mean love when we speak them, and not just respond out of habit. All i know is that in my life, i really don't want those words to lose their meaning.