Today I arrived back in Hollister. I'm here for about a week before I fly out to Switzerland. I made it in about eight hours, walked in the door, and ate breakfast for dinner.
Everyone kind of went off to bed and I decided that it was a great idea to read one of my journals from high school. Mistake numero uno.
It was cool though, I got to read prayers that I had written down to God about other people, yes, but mainly about my life and what my purpose was. It was cute. I was kind of just sitting there all proud of myself I guess. You know, like a parent is proud of their child's scribbly marker art, or even their kid mumbling through giving thanks before a meal. It was cute in a childish way.
Reading through my very first completed journal actually made me realize how far I have come.
I found out through my twenty-five year old eyes that my sixteen year old self was whiney as hell. Like it legitimately bothered me. I was secretly hoping that the ramblings that filled each page were never actually spoken aloud to others before they were written down. Unlikely.
Not only was I completely boy obsessed, which by the way I would love to go back and punch myself in the stomach for being so naive, but I was also very persistent on saying I wanted things to change without actually doing anything to change them.
Lets take my boy crazed self for example. I wrote page after page about my crushes on these guys and talked all about how they probably didn't like me. Not that I actually gave them the chance to. Seeing as I never told any of them. To be honest, I didn't really talk to many of them either. It was more of a silent appreciation from afar. No wonder I used to sign my journal entries as "A Typical Teenager." *cue eye roll*
But here I am now. I'm sure my prayers have improved at least a little bit. I can also honestly say that I feel as though I'm not boy crazy anymore. I actually talk to guys now. Don't worry readers. I've evolved. I'm not a total creeper anymore.
The part that gets me the most I think, is that the concerns I voiced in my journal are still things that concern me today. It almost doesn't feel like a flashback to before my college years.
I literally wrote that I was scared to go through college only to not find a job and have to move home. Which I ended up having to anyways but that isn't the point. My point is that I have been scared to take leaps and bounds because I don't want to end up back at my parent's house. Or back where I started. It feels like ten thousand steps back.
I was trying to figure out my purpose then and here I am now still trying to figure out the things that actually make me happy and aren't just in my life to please someone else.
It hit me that maybe there are certain things that we will always struggle with. Mine is letting go and trusting that things will be taken care of.
I'm basically like the Israelites in the desert when they all forget what God literally just did to get them out of Egypt.
Not letting my fears get in the way of God's plan for my life will be the greatest thing I could ever do.
So this time I don't want to immediately think of the worst case scenario. I want to think of what I truly want and to go for that full force without thinking it will land me back in my old bedroom in my parent's house.
What would you do if you weren't afraid?
Sincerely,
A Typical Adult