We're All Different

Recently it has become more apparent to me how different we all are. God made us that way. He made us as unique beings.

He made each one of us with a set of characteristics and vastly different dreams.

One person can feel called to a certain career, or ministry, and someone else could feel called to something completely different.

One person can have a dream to go out and make changes in the world, and someone could have a dream to change the world by being a good parent and a good spouse.

We are all different.

I know that I talk about dreams a lot, but it's just something that weighs heavy on my heart because I know I haven't been working towards mine.

The other day I sat across from a friend and coworker as she talked to a new employee on the phone. Basically the conversation consisted of her telling the other woman how much she liked it there and how she was going to wait for a while and then try to move up in the company.

I was sitting there finishing up some support staff tasks thinking, that's not what I want.

I made the decision to come home because I knew I needed time to prepare.

Prepare for what, I don't know.

But I sit at that desk day after day and feel completely lost.

I truly believe my anxiety attacks are a direct result of me feeling like I'm not doing enough to ensure that my dreams become a reality.

I overthink, and I have sleepless nights thinking about my future and all the things I want to do. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

I have lived my whole life trying to meet everyone else's expectations. I have done things because, well, it's what you do right?

When you graduate, you get a good job. And you just work. Because this job is what you went to school for.

That's not the case.

I went to school and studied ministry. And I'm sitting at a desk job everyday.

You want to know why? Because I got caught up. I got caught up in the whispers of my dad, who has always wanted me to have a good paying job so I can take care of myself. I got caught up in people telling me that maybe what I'm doing isn't what God wants me to do, so then I second guess what God has told me himself.

God has told me that I am beautiful and strong. Which means that I don't need to latch onto other peoples dreams, or listen to the lies society tells me, or even the lies that the people closest to me tell me.

Last week I spoke to the director at the camp I grew up at. The camp that I love and feel is a big part of my life. I asked him, again, if they had any job opportunities. He said no, that there weren't currently any jobs open, but that there is always a possibility and he wants me to come up and visit to talk with him and share my heart.

A possibility.

A POSSIBILITY!

This tiny sliver of hope, made me the most joyous person I have been since I can't remember when.

I find myself smiling when I talk about the "possibility."

Even my parents told me that I sounded so excited when I was on the phone with him and they really hope it works out.

This is something I've always wanted to do, be involved in something that I care about. Truly.

I think that's what everybody wants. I believe that's why God gave us dreams and our own set of talents or skills. He wouldn't give us dreams and then tell us we can't achieve them.

I could have the opportunity to mentor young girls who are interning. When my whole senior year of college, all my assignments were about was how the young adults of today need mentors and guidance.

I could have the opportunity to work in the kitchen. When I was a cook for two years and worked in a kitchen for four years.

I could have the opportunity to do worship, and I've basically been on worship teams every since I picked up my guitar.

This opportunity. This "possibility" is something I prayed for. I asked God to open the door to my future and shut the door to the past that was holding me back. Not a day goes by that I don't pray about this. Pray that it happens, yes, but also I'm praying that it's right.

I can look back on my whole life and only find one other instance where I prayed this hard for clarity, and that was when I prayed that God would show me where to go to school, and my Life Pacific College acceptance letter came in the mail the next day.

We are all different. We all have different dreams. We all have different paths.

What God has for you, might not be what God has for me.

And that's okay.

The Risk of Raising Your Hand, Or Following Your Dreams

I sit here waiting. As the nerves come to the surface I try to slow my breathing and I try to stop my hands from shaking violently. It came to my realization that I was completely ridiculous and that I needed to get over myself. But, nevertheless, my time came. The Teacher asked who wanted to go next, and what did I do? I raised my hand.

I’m an introvert. I’m an internal processor, and I like small groups and sometimes being in class with a lot of people stresses me out. But there is one very important thing you need to know about me. I never raise my hand. Never. Usually I just wait to be called on or for the conversation to come my way, but never do I command the floor, or in this case by raising my hand, the whole class. But I did it. I raised my hand. I actually faced my fears of speaking in class and having all eyes, rather ears, on me. I shared my thoughts, and the teacher agreed. “Yes!” I thought to myself, “you did it! You raised your hand in class and got everything out that you wanted to say!” Then guess what happened?

 Another Student Disagreed. As if it wasn’t hard enough to raise my hand and talk in class, I had to sit through someone critiquing my answer. Excuse me, I just went out on an extremely long limb here and you are criticizing my opinion. Then I realized, this always happens. In fact, this happens to everyone, not just to me.

We will live our whole lives overcoming fears, or taking risks and then come to find that not everyone agrees with us. So what! I sat there feeling like this person was completely tearing me down, when really he just didn’t agree with something I said, he wasn’t tearing me down, he was explaining why he didn’t agree with what I said.

Just because he didn’t agree with me doesn’t mean I need to stop raising my hand. If someone doesn’t agree with you it’s not the end of the world. In my case, if I let this guy discourage me to the point where I never raise my hand again, what happens to everything else in my life? Can you imagine if someone disagreed with my desire to play music, or to write teen fiction and I was just like, “shoot, they disagree, I shouldn’t do it.”

I have dreams, and those dreams are really risky. I have a voice and things to say with that voice, if someone doesn’t approve of what really matters to me am I just going to stop using my voice?

Where there is obedience, there will be opposition. I interned at a church this summer, and the pastor spoke on the obedience of the Holy Spirit. This message was all I thought about today while debating writing this post. When we are obedient to the Holy Spirit, there is going to be opposition to try and set back the will of God; that was the bulk of the message. Well, I thought maybe my raising my hand and actually speaking up and using my voice was my being obedient to the Holy Spirit. Which means the discouraging feeling I got from the guy disagreeing with me was the opposition.

 In my decisions in life, I will always look for opposition, and charge right on through. Because of this message, and even this experience I had today, I know that life is going to throw some big things to try and get in the way of my dreams. I need to know in those times, to not listen to others criticism (unless it’s constructive), but rather listen to my heart, and walk in the knowledge that God has given these dreams to me for a reason. The enemy will try everything he can to derail them if they will bring gory to God’s kingdom.