Not an End

I'll just start by saying these past two and a half years have been my favorite season of my life. I have grown and matured more than I could have ever imagined and I got to meet amazing people along the way. Then enters this thing called transition.

Not a fan.

Transition is just a fancy way of saying things are changing and you either get with it or you put it off but eventually have to give in anyways because it has to happen.

It's not something you can stop. A lot of the time it's not something you even see coming.

You can be living life, loving it and not wanting anything to change, and then here comes transition lurking around the corner ready to slap you upside your head, or rip the rug out from underneath you.

Sometimes, however, you know when it's coming.

Sometimes you get to see it all unfold in front of you and you get time to process.

I'm not sure if this is better or not.

Being jolted into something new is sometimes better because otherwise you probably wouldn't have chosen to do it. That's how I ended up here in the first place.

Seeing the moment of transition coming and not wanting it to happen and not being able to stop it is hard.

That's how this has been.

Two years ago someone bought the permit to the land The Station is currently located on. We've had two years to process the fact that when our lease is up at the end of this month we will be moving.

We just had our last camp on the property.

So on the last morning, I got up early and went into the lodge to pray and worship. I sat at the back and stared at all of the chairs that sat there waiting to be occupied for breakfast.

And I thought about all of the campers that have come through our doors. And then I began to thank God for all the campers who have come through our doors.

I started thanking him for my life being impacted by this small little camp with the biggest vision. I thanked him for the friends I have made and the family I have become a part of. I somehow in a matter of minutes turned my mindset from "this is the end" to "this is just the beginning."

And honestly, it's the truth.

Transitions don't necessarily mean it's an end. Sometimes things end, but for this it's just the property.

The dream hasn't died. The vision is still there. It's just the beginning of what God wants to do with The Station.

So as I sat, finally accepting this transition.

The only word I could think of was thankful.

Thankful for this place and what it means to me.

And thankful for the more to come.

Welcome Back to Freedom

So, it's been a while. For those of you that read my ramblings.

It's November 12, and I've been in school for about a month and a week.

This year has been completely different than last year.

Where first year at MLSSM is based on identity and our foundation, second year is based on leadership and growing us in that area.

So this year so far, has been me being thrown into leadership in different places of my life.

However, as interesting as that all is, it's not what I want to talk about.

I want to talk about the struggle.

The struggle that I've faced with holding onto my identity and my joy.

Brace yourself for the seemingly endless rambling.

These past couple of weeks have felt very off. I had felt very off.

I was easily irritated, I actually at one point was so peeved that I felt like I was going to explode on someone.

Through all of this I did manage to somewhat hang on to my sanity. I didn't tear anyones head off.

I didn't know what it was, but something was wrong. Everyone else could tell because people kept asking me if I was okay.

I kept saying yes, and that I was only tired, but no. I was not okay.

On Thursday we do worship time in The Station office before we work. And my boss Rachel prayed and asked us all if we had any prayer requests. I took this opportunity to open up with people and be vulnerable.

I wasn't okay. I felt like somewhere along the way I had agreed with something and let it back into my life and it was drastically affecting me. I was full of negativity and I didn't know why. So I shared this with the team.

After I shared, Rachel told me that she had seen the shift in me a couple of weeks before. It wasn't until that moment and her saying that, that it clicked. I knew what I had done.

I don't know how far back I shared this with all of you, but in high school and college I struggled a lot with lust. But more specifically I struggled with acting on lust. Now I've never had a boyfriend, or any relations with men, so people automatically assume that I don't struggle with anything like that. Actually people often think I don't struggle with anything and that I'm perfect. Another impossible pressure on my life. I will never be perfect.

Anyways. A couple weeks ago I slipped up. I slipped up and then immediately after I repented from what I had done. I apologized for willingly allowing lust to come between me and my Father. However, even though I repented, the shame stayed.

I had invited shame back into my life and it was tearing my heart apart. It made me self-conscious. It made me angry at myself and then I was easily angered by others. The self-hatred snuck back in. I felt my body changing. I was breaking out like crazy and I felt awful and worst of all, my joy wasn't there. The thing that I fought so hard to get back, somehow slipped from my grasp.

As the team began to pray, I began praying in my spiritual language. My Swiss roommate struggled with sharing her testimony as I did, and so I prayed for both of us, that we would receive freedom to share our testimonies that would bring others freedom.

Rachel prayed freedom over me, freedom from fear. The joy was prayed back into my life. Once we were done praying and I had cried a whole buckets worth of tears, I felt it. My joyful spirit was back.

Normally after you cry you still have that sorrowful feeling of what you were crying about. But this, it just seemed the more I cried, the more freedom I received back. The more freedom I claimed back. I noticed, the rest of Thursday that I felt lighter. I felt freer. I felt joyful. When I looked in the mirror that day, I felt beautiful again. I felt like I could look at myself and honestly say that I loved who I was.

Yesterday I spent a good three hours talking with a friend about my dreams and what I believe God is doing in my life. I was talking into God's destiny for me. I came home and realized that my skin was clearing up. It had been one day. One day of freedom and my whole life seemed turned around, back on the right path.

I have passion for my future again. I have passion to help people again and love people again. If this is my welcome back to freedom, I'm never going to take it for granted again. I'm never going back.

Giddy Anxious

Have you ever been so excited for something that you just get anxious about it? Like, you're totally happy, but this thing that is supposed to be happening means that you have to be patient.

You need to wait.

And the waiting is causing you anxiety.

Well. That's me right now.

I'm waiting to hear about a possible job. And after finally telling the one person I was scared to tell, the fear disappeared and all that was left was excitement.

I feel full support and I feel that the interview went well.

I have heard it from good authority that I pretty much have the job already.

But I'm waiting to hear it from the person who matters, the director, the person who would be hiring me.

I NEED to be patient. But all I can do is keep checking my email.

It reminds me of when I would go to camp, or really anywhere that I was excited to go to.

I can't really sleep. I'm anxious. I'm excited. I'm trying to be patient. But I just keep jumping every time someone mentions it.

I'm Giddy Anxious.

I know that there are certain situations in my past where I had the chance to be patient and I didn't wait on God.

I made a choice that I didn't necessarily want to make and here we are.

I need to wait on God and believe that he has the best for me.

If it's not this than it will be something else.

I'm waiting.

Anxiously Giddy.

Lord,

I pray that you will give my heart peace. Peace and Patience God. I pray that no matter what I will keep my head high and keep working hard. I will stay confident like I have been the past couple of days. I pray that I will continue striving to be better. Lord I really do want this, more than anything. I was up there for two days and I had already started to feel closer to you because the distractions fell away. I will try my best to understand if you say no that it means there is something better. But Lord I pray there isn't. ha. I want to strive to know you more God, I want to seek your face. I love you Lord.

Amen.

We're All Different

Recently it has become more apparent to me how different we all are. God made us that way. He made us as unique beings.

He made each one of us with a set of characteristics and vastly different dreams.

One person can feel called to a certain career, or ministry, and someone else could feel called to something completely different.

One person can have a dream to go out and make changes in the world, and someone could have a dream to change the world by being a good parent and a good spouse.

We are all different.

I know that I talk about dreams a lot, but it's just something that weighs heavy on my heart because I know I haven't been working towards mine.

The other day I sat across from a friend and coworker as she talked to a new employee on the phone. Basically the conversation consisted of her telling the other woman how much she liked it there and how she was going to wait for a while and then try to move up in the company.

I was sitting there finishing up some support staff tasks thinking, that's not what I want.

I made the decision to come home because I knew I needed time to prepare.

Prepare for what, I don't know.

But I sit at that desk day after day and feel completely lost.

I truly believe my anxiety attacks are a direct result of me feeling like I'm not doing enough to ensure that my dreams become a reality.

I overthink, and I have sleepless nights thinking about my future and all the things I want to do. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

I have lived my whole life trying to meet everyone else's expectations. I have done things because, well, it's what you do right?

When you graduate, you get a good job. And you just work. Because this job is what you went to school for.

That's not the case.

I went to school and studied ministry. And I'm sitting at a desk job everyday.

You want to know why? Because I got caught up. I got caught up in the whispers of my dad, who has always wanted me to have a good paying job so I can take care of myself. I got caught up in people telling me that maybe what I'm doing isn't what God wants me to do, so then I second guess what God has told me himself.

God has told me that I am beautiful and strong. Which means that I don't need to latch onto other peoples dreams, or listen to the lies society tells me, or even the lies that the people closest to me tell me.

Last week I spoke to the director at the camp I grew up at. The camp that I love and feel is a big part of my life. I asked him, again, if they had any job opportunities. He said no, that there weren't currently any jobs open, but that there is always a possibility and he wants me to come up and visit to talk with him and share my heart.

A possibility.

A POSSIBILITY!

This tiny sliver of hope, made me the most joyous person I have been since I can't remember when.

I find myself smiling when I talk about the "possibility."

Even my parents told me that I sounded so excited when I was on the phone with him and they really hope it works out.

This is something I've always wanted to do, be involved in something that I care about. Truly.

I think that's what everybody wants. I believe that's why God gave us dreams and our own set of talents or skills. He wouldn't give us dreams and then tell us we can't achieve them.

I could have the opportunity to mentor young girls who are interning. When my whole senior year of college, all my assignments were about was how the young adults of today need mentors and guidance.

I could have the opportunity to work in the kitchen. When I was a cook for two years and worked in a kitchen for four years.

I could have the opportunity to do worship, and I've basically been on worship teams every since I picked up my guitar.

This opportunity. This "possibility" is something I prayed for. I asked God to open the door to my future and shut the door to the past that was holding me back. Not a day goes by that I don't pray about this. Pray that it happens, yes, but also I'm praying that it's right.

I can look back on my whole life and only find one other instance where I prayed this hard for clarity, and that was when I prayed that God would show me where to go to school, and my Life Pacific College acceptance letter came in the mail the next day.

We are all different. We all have different dreams. We all have different paths.

What God has for you, might not be what God has for me.

And that's okay.