Switzerland: Day 4

Yesterday was our forth day in Switzerland and our second day in Zürich. We began our day with breakfast and coffee and then headed out with a wonderful new friend/tour guide.

We took trains and trams and explored the city of Zürich with someone who knew exactly where we were going.

We prayed over the city and over people and expected that God would show up and move.

After being joined by another friend, he took us on a tiny historic tour of Christianity through the city. We learned so much about how Christianity began In the city and even just how Switzerland was established.

We took the time to pray over businesses, and the local skatepark, but we also got to stop at a bakery and get some amazing treats.

Getting home was probably the least exciting part of the day, except for that we got to opportunity to pray for and encourage the ICF small group that was being held where we were staying.

It's truly amazing to discover new people and realize that the world is so much bigger than the small town of Mammoth that we all travelled from.

Every single person I have met so far has felt like family. I feel comfortable with them and again the gatherings just feel like family get togethers that nobody wants to leave.

Unfortunately today is our last day in Zürich and tomorrow we make our way to Davos. Even though we don't have much planned for the day I know that God is going to show up in extraordinary ways.

We're All Different

Recently it has become more apparent to me how different we all are. God made us that way. He made us as unique beings.

He made each one of us with a set of characteristics and vastly different dreams.

One person can feel called to a certain career, or ministry, and someone else could feel called to something completely different.

One person can have a dream to go out and make changes in the world, and someone could have a dream to change the world by being a good parent and a good spouse.

We are all different.

I know that I talk about dreams a lot, but it's just something that weighs heavy on my heart because I know I haven't been working towards mine.

The other day I sat across from a friend and coworker as she talked to a new employee on the phone. Basically the conversation consisted of her telling the other woman how much she liked it there and how she was going to wait for a while and then try to move up in the company.

I was sitting there finishing up some support staff tasks thinking, that's not what I want.

I made the decision to come home because I knew I needed time to prepare.

Prepare for what, I don't know.

But I sit at that desk day after day and feel completely lost.

I truly believe my anxiety attacks are a direct result of me feeling like I'm not doing enough to ensure that my dreams become a reality.

I overthink, and I have sleepless nights thinking about my future and all the things I want to do. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

I have lived my whole life trying to meet everyone else's expectations. I have done things because, well, it's what you do right?

When you graduate, you get a good job. And you just work. Because this job is what you went to school for.

That's not the case.

I went to school and studied ministry. And I'm sitting at a desk job everyday.

You want to know why? Because I got caught up. I got caught up in the whispers of my dad, who has always wanted me to have a good paying job so I can take care of myself. I got caught up in people telling me that maybe what I'm doing isn't what God wants me to do, so then I second guess what God has told me himself.

God has told me that I am beautiful and strong. Which means that I don't need to latch onto other peoples dreams, or listen to the lies society tells me, or even the lies that the people closest to me tell me.

Last week I spoke to the director at the camp I grew up at. The camp that I love and feel is a big part of my life. I asked him, again, if they had any job opportunities. He said no, that there weren't currently any jobs open, but that there is always a possibility and he wants me to come up and visit to talk with him and share my heart.

A possibility.

A POSSIBILITY!

This tiny sliver of hope, made me the most joyous person I have been since I can't remember when.

I find myself smiling when I talk about the "possibility."

Even my parents told me that I sounded so excited when I was on the phone with him and they really hope it works out.

This is something I've always wanted to do, be involved in something that I care about. Truly.

I think that's what everybody wants. I believe that's why God gave us dreams and our own set of talents or skills. He wouldn't give us dreams and then tell us we can't achieve them.

I could have the opportunity to mentor young girls who are interning. When my whole senior year of college, all my assignments were about was how the young adults of today need mentors and guidance.

I could have the opportunity to work in the kitchen. When I was a cook for two years and worked in a kitchen for four years.

I could have the opportunity to do worship, and I've basically been on worship teams every since I picked up my guitar.

This opportunity. This "possibility" is something I prayed for. I asked God to open the door to my future and shut the door to the past that was holding me back. Not a day goes by that I don't pray about this. Pray that it happens, yes, but also I'm praying that it's right.

I can look back on my whole life and only find one other instance where I prayed this hard for clarity, and that was when I prayed that God would show me where to go to school, and my Life Pacific College acceptance letter came in the mail the next day.

We are all different. We all have different dreams. We all have different paths.

What God has for you, might not be what God has for me.

And that's okay.

Identity Crisis

This weekend I had the privilege to go on vacation to Palm Springs with a few of my friends. We watched movies, ate, slept, and read magazines, on repeat.

At some point we ended up talking about couples we knew that got married and how most people end up changing because their significant other.

One of my very wise friends stated that people need to find themselves and figure out who they are before they bring someone else who has completely different interests, opinions, and values into the mix.

When I think about my desire to get married and have a family, I think about my desire to be myself.

It's funny because my whole life, as I've stated before in previous blogs, I have been the people pleaser, the one who wanted to be accepted, by guys yes, but people in general.

I've spent my whole life trying to be what other people will find attractive, funny, interesting, or just socially acceptable.

I have hated country, and then loved country again, and gotten into hardcore music, and then only listened to acoustic music.

I tried to make myself seem tough, and independent.

I tried to make myself seem more experienced and worldly.

I went from hating cussing to cussing like a sailor to hating it, to thinking it was okay, to now where I still think it's hilarious as long as people aren't getting offended.

I've spent so much time trying to be what the world wants and putting myself in roles that nobody really asked me to be in. And I am so damn tired.

I realize now that when I say I'm tired, I'm not actually tired physically, but I'm tired of spending so much time trying to fit in and be someone completely contradictory to who God created me to be.

I wasn't made to be the one who draws attention, I'm the one you get to know and figure out that I truly care about people.

I'm the one who would rather talk about you and help you than spend the time to actually help myself, which I'm seeing now, is sort of a problem sometimes.

I was made to love people, in my way.

My identity is in Christ, and it always has been.

I can live in grace by knowing that I am enough the way I am, I don't have to do anything to be loved, and I want to be a person that shows other people that they don't have to do anything to be loved.

I am loved, adored, strong, courageous, hopeful, beautiful, and on my way to joyful.

I want to live the life that God created me for, but I can't do that if I keep trying to live it as someone he didn't create me to be.

I Have Lived

Today while I was at work, I found myself yet again going through the motions as I started wiping down one of the counters. It's gets to the point where you are so good at something, you can keep doing it without thinking, forcing your mind to wander elsewhere.

For some reason, today, my mind decided to wander to "What would happen if I died right now?"

It's something I don't normally think of, mainly because I don't want to die.

However, I find that the biggest thing I fear is my future, because I have no idea what will happen.

Death seems easier to grasp at this moment. It's more concrete, and final. Whereas, my future, well, nothing is set in stone, and I am terrified that I'm going to screw it up.

So I continue with wiping down the counter and think of the life that I've lived. I've done some pretty cool things, none of which would count as extraordinary, mediocre at best, but cool at least.

I've made wonderful friends, terrible mistakes, and at least one or two really good comebacks. Okay, one.

If I could look at my life played back to me, I would probably see a sad story about a girl who struggled her whole life to try and fit in, be funny, pretty, skinny, etc. I would see the girl who has no life experience at all. Just someone who has been sheltered, spoiled, and complacent.

My life so far, is not something that I would consider worth living for.

I realize that my whole life so far has led up to the moment where I will walk across that stage and get my degree. But what happens after? I am so scared, because I don't know.

But you see, if I died right now, my dreams would die with me.

My dreams that have been put in my heart to reach out.

My dreams that will somehow lead me into my future, though I don't know how yet.

I want to make so many things of this life. I want people to know that God loves them.

I want people to see His light in anything I do.

I don't want life to be wasted. I want to look back on my life and be able to say that I have lived.

I am made for more than just the right now. God has a specific purpose for making me, and he's going to use me, wherever I go.

My future should not be something I'm scared about, but something I am excited for.

I get to bring glory to God and live my dreams.

I know that when the time comes I will be able to say "I have lived."

So I continued to wipe down the counters with a smile on my face, and a new hope for my future.

I won't change for anyone, other than the one who created me.

You see, I used to do this thing.

I'm sure that everyone has done it.

Sometimes when there are people we want to impress, we change things about ourselves.

We tell little fibs, or we take on interests that weren't actually our interests a day before. 

We joke more intensely. We do pretty much everything more intensely just so that person will notice.

I did this a lot in high school. 

I remember being at my friends house and I liked his younger brother, who just happened to like heavier music. 

I however, still listened to Avril Lavigne and had Switchfoot on repeat.

When I found out he liked that type of music, I went home and downloaded all of the Thousand Foot Krutch that my brother had. Because to me that was heavy music. (So Dumb).

Then whenever we would go hangout at that house and go swimming I would bring my iPod along for after and then listen to it obnoxiously loud so maybe he would hear, I think I'm still paying for that.

I also started disliking country because someone I liked hated it.

Then I started liking country again when I liked someone here at Life my sophomore year. 

You see, I don't necessarily regret those things, because I got introduced to some really great music. 

But it's when I see myself start to act different, or more intense. Or even louder because I desperately want them to notice me. 

I realize this. And I'm seriously pissed off at myself. 

For so long I have changed the things I say or do, or like, all because of someone else.

Who were they going to fall for? Because it sure as heck wasn't me. 

This person with random interests and stupid jokes and terrible taste (that I can see now) is not someone I would want to fall for, so why do I expect to have someone fall for me, when it's not me? 

This is why I've made up my mind

See, I no longer want to be this girl who has a different personality, or different set of interests every few weeks. 

I don't want to be this girl who is afraid to share her own taste with the world. 

I don't want to live in fear of being rejected by people.

I am no longer the person who is so easily swayed by other people's opinions, or interests. 

So yeah, I like Avril Lavigne. I like Thousand Foot Krutch, I like some country music. I like so many things that I am not going to stop liking because some guy doesn't like them. I also don't like certain things, and it's going to stay that way. 

I was made to be a kind, loving, and compassionate woman. That is who I want to be. You know. With her share of sarcastic remarks and jokes about hating children. 

My God made me a unique person. I have a heart that, is yes easily hurt, but it beats for one reason. To praise Him who made me. And to praise Him the way He made me. 

So, I won't change for anyone, other than the one who created me.

"It's not who y...

"It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not."~Hanoch McCarty

I have dreams... 

I have ideas of what i think my future will be like... 

But sometimes, i don't think i'm good enough for my dreams...

I don't think that i'm capable of what my mind and heart truly want for me...

or capable of what God has for my life...

This is my ultimate downfall, when i get in the habit of thinking i'm not good enough, my dreams just seem to fade out. I know that i was made for a reason. I was made for a certain thing, that i'm sure others could do, but something i will thrive at. I don't want to just survive, or just live day to day, i want to live my dreams. I want to live the dreams that God has laid out for me. I was Made for More, and it's time i start acting like it....