We're All Different

Recently it has become more apparent to me how different we all are. God made us that way. He made us as unique beings.

He made each one of us with a set of characteristics and vastly different dreams.

One person can feel called to a certain career, or ministry, and someone else could feel called to something completely different.

One person can have a dream to go out and make changes in the world, and someone could have a dream to change the world by being a good parent and a good spouse.

We are all different.

I know that I talk about dreams a lot, but it's just something that weighs heavy on my heart because I know I haven't been working towards mine.

The other day I sat across from a friend and coworker as she talked to a new employee on the phone. Basically the conversation consisted of her telling the other woman how much she liked it there and how she was going to wait for a while and then try to move up in the company.

I was sitting there finishing up some support staff tasks thinking, that's not what I want.

I made the decision to come home because I knew I needed time to prepare.

Prepare for what, I don't know.

But I sit at that desk day after day and feel completely lost.

I truly believe my anxiety attacks are a direct result of me feeling like I'm not doing enough to ensure that my dreams become a reality.

I overthink, and I have sleepless nights thinking about my future and all the things I want to do. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

I have lived my whole life trying to meet everyone else's expectations. I have done things because, well, it's what you do right?

When you graduate, you get a good job. And you just work. Because this job is what you went to school for.

That's not the case.

I went to school and studied ministry. And I'm sitting at a desk job everyday.

You want to know why? Because I got caught up. I got caught up in the whispers of my dad, who has always wanted me to have a good paying job so I can take care of myself. I got caught up in people telling me that maybe what I'm doing isn't what God wants me to do, so then I second guess what God has told me himself.

God has told me that I am beautiful and strong. Which means that I don't need to latch onto other peoples dreams, or listen to the lies society tells me, or even the lies that the people closest to me tell me.

Last week I spoke to the director at the camp I grew up at. The camp that I love and feel is a big part of my life. I asked him, again, if they had any job opportunities. He said no, that there weren't currently any jobs open, but that there is always a possibility and he wants me to come up and visit to talk with him and share my heart.

A possibility.

A POSSIBILITY!

This tiny sliver of hope, made me the most joyous person I have been since I can't remember when.

I find myself smiling when I talk about the "possibility."

Even my parents told me that I sounded so excited when I was on the phone with him and they really hope it works out.

This is something I've always wanted to do, be involved in something that I care about. Truly.

I think that's what everybody wants. I believe that's why God gave us dreams and our own set of talents or skills. He wouldn't give us dreams and then tell us we can't achieve them.

I could have the opportunity to mentor young girls who are interning. When my whole senior year of college, all my assignments were about was how the young adults of today need mentors and guidance.

I could have the opportunity to work in the kitchen. When I was a cook for two years and worked in a kitchen for four years.

I could have the opportunity to do worship, and I've basically been on worship teams every since I picked up my guitar.

This opportunity. This "possibility" is something I prayed for. I asked God to open the door to my future and shut the door to the past that was holding me back. Not a day goes by that I don't pray about this. Pray that it happens, yes, but also I'm praying that it's right.

I can look back on my whole life and only find one other instance where I prayed this hard for clarity, and that was when I prayed that God would show me where to go to school, and my Life Pacific College acceptance letter came in the mail the next day.

We are all different. We all have different dreams. We all have different paths.

What God has for you, might not be what God has for me.

And that's okay.

Why am i here?

I'm sitting here in the Loop, our campus coffee chop. I'd call this post coffee shop revelations too, but see, this is where i'm looking for answers, not finding them. 

This weekend is preview weekend here at Life Pacific College, high school students galore. 

I see excited faces, people talking excessively about how they are going to love it when they come here. 

Here i am a senior in college, and i'm wondering what i'm doing here. 

I take classes because i have to. The only classes i've been remotely interested in were art, music, or counseling. 

And there were multiple classes that were a flop because the teacher wasn't super interesting. 

I am a senior in college, and i don't remember why i came here. 

Well i remember wanting a music and worship minor, and then getting here to find out they took away the minors. 

And now they are bringing back a worship major. The year after i leave. 

I mean, maybe God somehow worked it out to where i wouldn't take a worship major or minor. I don't know. 

All i know is that i'm going to graduate with a degree that i partially don't understand, and a pastoral license that i don't even intend to use in any formal setting at a church. 

I want to be a worship leader. I grew up loving music. 

I led worship in high school with my youth pastor. 

Maybe i didn't need those classes or minors or majors to understand what worship leading is. 

Maybe being trained so closely by my youth pastor gave me all the knowledge i need.

Maybe, i'm already a worship leader...

I don't know honestly. 

But i'm graduating, and i don't know why i'm here, or where i'm going. 

I know i'm going to get there, and i know that i'll have a degree. 

But i don't have this strange passion to learn like most people here. 

I've realized in the past months and even year, that i basically paid 40K to come to this school, to come out of my shell.

Ask anybody in my quad, or anyone who knows me even just a little bit, and they will tell you that i've come so far. 

I'm not shy like i used to be. I've found out stuff about myself that i never would have otherwise. 

I am more confident. I became closer to God. 

And at this point, i may not know what i'm going to do with my life, but i know who i am. 

I am a daughter of our Lord. 

I love. I'm alive in Christ. I am stronger than i thought. I was made for more than i could ever imagine. I get so scared about what is going to happen after i graduate and i need to keep reminding myself that i was made for more than i could ever imagine, and i know that whatever i do, it's going to be completely amazing, because God is in it, and he wouldn't have me do anything that wasn't on my heart. 

I came to LIFE, and i found myself. I found God. I found lifelong friends. I found meaning. And i found out that i was made for more.

40K well spent.