Impacted

There have been very few times in my life where I have been fully encompassed by sadness to the point where I couldn't breathe. And by very few, I mean that there have been two times that I remember vividly. The first time was December 6th, 2014. I had been leading worship at my church since my graduation in May and I was working at a donut shop and living with five other girls.

I had gained so many good friends in those short six months. So many people who stood by my side when I started getting burnt out. People who helped talk me through my past and show me that none of what happened was my fault.

Those people impacted my life so much that leaving literally felt like each and every one of them were being ripped from my heart. I left for reasons that now seem completely ridiculous, but I'm glad I did it. I'm glad that I endured crying six hours straight on my drive to my parents house because that decision led me to another decision.

The decision to move to Mammoth.

And to my dismay become a part of another amazing group of friends who loved me so much I started to love myself. They loved me so much that I started gaining confidence, I started seeing my worth, I started seeing that I have power and authority. God showed me that, but he also surrounded me with people that were going to hold me to believing nothing less. One in particular.

Which brings me to the second time, last Monday. Multiple people left Mammoth to go off and do new things, or follow dreams, or go back to the UK. It was probably the most emotional day I've had since that last one. Once I said goodbye to my roommate Jesse it was like my heart was completely numb and done saying goodbye to amazing people that I love.

I cried all day. And a little bit into the night. But surprisingly enough on Tuesday I only cried once, and it was because my roommate started crying first and I'm a sympathy crier.

In the midst of all the sadness, and the missing pieces, I know that it's going to be okay. Because I know that it only hurts this bad because it was good.

If I had to say goodbye to people and feel no sadness at all, then what real friendship did I have with them?

Giddy Anxious

Have you ever been so excited for something that you just get anxious about it? Like, you're totally happy, but this thing that is supposed to be happening means that you have to be patient.

You need to wait.

And the waiting is causing you anxiety.

Well. That's me right now.

I'm waiting to hear about a possible job. And after finally telling the one person I was scared to tell, the fear disappeared and all that was left was excitement.

I feel full support and I feel that the interview went well.

I have heard it from good authority that I pretty much have the job already.

But I'm waiting to hear it from the person who matters, the director, the person who would be hiring me.

I NEED to be patient. But all I can do is keep checking my email.

It reminds me of when I would go to camp, or really anywhere that I was excited to go to.

I can't really sleep. I'm anxious. I'm excited. I'm trying to be patient. But I just keep jumping every time someone mentions it.

I'm Giddy Anxious.

I know that there are certain situations in my past where I had the chance to be patient and I didn't wait on God.

I made a choice that I didn't necessarily want to make and here we are.

I need to wait on God and believe that he has the best for me.

If it's not this than it will be something else.

I'm waiting.

Anxiously Giddy.

Lord,

I pray that you will give my heart peace. Peace and Patience God. I pray that no matter what I will keep my head high and keep working hard. I will stay confident like I have been the past couple of days. I pray that I will continue striving to be better. Lord I really do want this, more than anything. I was up there for two days and I had already started to feel closer to you because the distractions fell away. I will try my best to understand if you say no that it means there is something better. But Lord I pray there isn't. ha. I want to strive to know you more God, I want to seek your face. I love you Lord.

Amen.

Time Spent

I realized on Thursday that I have spent a significant amount of time in hospitals. 

When I was a kid it was mainly me getting hurt and having to sit in the waiting room for hours. This could include anywhere from a sprained ankle and smashing my hand in the car door to almost cutting off my thumb with a Spaghetti O's can lid. 

A lot of hospital trips were for my mom and all her various health issues, a lot of surgeries and or emergency room trips in the middle of the night. 

When I got to high school it would be a mixture of going to the hospital to see people such as my youth pastor when she had a surgery, or gave birth, or when I had to sit next to her while her three year old sun got a spinal tap and she heard him screaming all the way from his room. 

Even now in college I've been to hospitals for appointments, or scares with friends. 

I don't know what it is, but I always seem to be there. I want to be there. 

Waiting for hours on end sucks, but knowing that you are there supporting the people you love is what makes it worth it. 

I couldn't tell you how many times I've been to the hospital with people who told me I didn't need to be there, or they apologize, or say that they don't want to be a burden. 

It's never been a burden. Not for me. I think deep down I just love them, so I want to be there, to know that they are safe, or at least have them feel safer because they have someone there for them. 

I can't think of the last time I went to the hospital for my own reasons. 

But I hope that when I end up having to go, that there will be people there with me, to make me feel safe, and not cold and alone in a place where I don't know or trust anyone. I want someone who will look me in the eyes and tell me that I'm not a burden and they aren't leaving. Someone who would even come with me and sit in the waiting room with me when a friend is getting checked out and I'm alone. It's nice to have those friends. It's nice to have people there for you. So that's why I always try to be.