My Orphan Heart Has Found Its Home

Attending the Mammoth Lakes School of Supernatural Ministry has probably been the hardest step that I have ever had to take, but by far the best. Our current reading assignment is "Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship" by Jack Frost.

I hadn't started reading the book until this evening, and I'm somewhat glad that I didn't.

Last week, I got into an accident in the snow. My first time taking on icy roads obviously didn't turn out well. But my friend/fellow student and I were perfectly fine and no other cars were involved.

With that said, it's been a tough week.

I have had car troubles in the past, many times, and every single time it's felt like one of my limbs has been ripped off and I'm left grasping for what the heck I'm going to do.

This week has been difficult in the fact that I've started training in a new job, and I have school every day. It doesn't help that I can't necessarily walk because it's always freezing outside and there's snow everywhere.

Everyday since my car accident last Monday, I have needed to get a ride from someone. Whether it be my roommate, classmate, coworker, etc. But I have had one of the hardest times asking for help.

I grew up feeling somewhat alone a lot so I became kind of dependent on myself. You could probably ask anybody, but I'm just an independent person. I'm the one that likes to volunteer to drive and I never enjoy feeling stuck because I'm waiting on somebody else.

Just this morning I opened up to my boss about the whole situation and how I was chomping at the bit for my car to get fixed and I could drive myself again. I told her that I felt that God was working in my life even when it felt like nothing good could be happening right now. I have never really felt okay asking for help. I've always told myself that I didn't want to be a burden, and because of that I never asked, I try to stay out of the way and I don't draw attention to myself.

So because I have to keep depending on people and asking for rides and even asking for food from my roommates, I feel that insecurity rising up in me. I feel like at any second one of them is going to express annoyance at my not being able to take care of myself. As that insecurity came rising up, I felt God whispering to me "you are a blessing, not a burden."

I made this revelation this morning, and then I cracked open this book.

Jack Frost talks about how all of us are born with "orphan hearts" that reject parental authority and seek to do everything their own way. Sometimes we are raised and our parents unintentionally (sometimes not) hurt or reject us, and because of that we view God's love that way and don't want to see ourselves as His son or daughter.

If I didn't already associate with this, I did when I found this passage (bare with me):

When wanting to cast out an orphan heart, remember that you can displace it only by introducing it to a loving Father. Even then, an orphan heart must choose to embrace the spirit of sonship by willingly becoming interdependent in relationships and embracing God's community of love. This is not a once-and-for-all choice. You choose sonship over and over because orphan thinking doesn't surrender easily, and it often comes back and tries to assert its influence once again. The orphan spirit tries constantly to weaken our families, relationships, and the nations by deceiving us into becoming subject to our own mission rather than living life to experience God's love and to give it away.

We are called to live in interdependent relationships and embrace God's community of love.

I have lived my life independently because it seemed easier. It seemed that if I took care of myself and did my own thing I wouldn't get hurt. I never allowed myself to belong because it was too big of a risk.

"I am a blessing, not a burden."

Here I am, living in a house with another girl and three boys and I feel at home, for probably the first time in my life.

I have a family that doesn't see me as a burden, not that I felt my real family thought that, but this is the place where I finally believe that I'm not.

I am not a burden. I am not an orphan.

God's love has become so real to me in the past month, but even more so in the past ten minutes of reading this book.

I am a daughter of the king. I accept my spiritual "sonship" and I choose God's will instead of my own independent ways.

I was born with an orphan heart.

But now my orphan heart has found its home.

Sometimes It's Hard.

Sometimes it's hard to be home. I've gotten used to it mostly, but then something will happen and remind me why it was so hard before.

I've gotten used to the not being alone, and basically having no privacy.

I haven't gotten used to the manipulation, chaos, and emotion.

It's funny the things you don't notice when you aren't there.

I have to sit and watch these people take advantage of my family, of my parents.

It's killing me.

It's hard to choose family over family.

It's hard to walk in to my mom's room and find her crying.

It's hard to see the toll things are taking on her.

It's hard not being able to do anything about it.

It's hard.

I'm used to being alone

I think the feelings of frustration I get from being home come from the fact that I'm used to being along. I can't stand having someone talking all the time, or not even really having privacy in my own room.

I can't stand that I have to tell someone where I'm going when I leave the house, or even when I get up and walk ten feet to my room.

I literally find myself biting my tongue when my mom comes to my room to ask if I'm okay because she "heard a noise."

I am almost a week in and I feel like I'm losing my mind. And I don't know what to do.

Do I risk telling my mom that I need her to back off? Because I desperately do.

I'm an extremely independent person and it kills me to feel like I can't go anywhere in my house and find solace.

I feel like I can't write songs because they'll be on the other side of the door.

I'm getting anxious.

I need to find something to get me out of here.

Is this what it's like to be married?

To have your significant other constantly ask questions about where you're going or just basically invade your whole sense of independence all day?

Because to be perfectly honest, if it is, I don't think I'll be ready for it for a very, very, very, long time, if ever.

I'm used to being alone, and making decisions on my own, and being able to go do things at the drop of a hat because there is no one else to check in with.

Now I know I may be exaggerating a little bit, because it's my mom and it will be different when I'm with someone I choose to be with.

But still, they are going to need to realize that I'm used to being alone, and be able to accept it.

You Are Enough

I'm counting down the days, until I say goodbye The seconds pass so quickly, and I'm running out of time

Being torn in many directions, yet my heart might be left here

There's someone that I'm leaving, and they won't know, I fear

They won't know that they are loved, or just how much I care

I waited much too long, so now it won't seem fair

I've liked you for some time now, and please don't ask me why

Maybe it's because you're handsome, or because you drink whiskey when you cry

I wouldn't mind if you touched me, or even if we kissed

I think I waited too long, for the moment sure was missed

So for now I'll just be saying, that even though it's tough

You truly matter to me, You are enough.

Time Spent

I realized on Thursday that I have spent a significant amount of time in hospitals. 

When I was a kid it was mainly me getting hurt and having to sit in the waiting room for hours. This could include anywhere from a sprained ankle and smashing my hand in the car door to almost cutting off my thumb with a Spaghetti O's can lid. 

A lot of hospital trips were for my mom and all her various health issues, a lot of surgeries and or emergency room trips in the middle of the night. 

When I got to high school it would be a mixture of going to the hospital to see people such as my youth pastor when she had a surgery, or gave birth, or when I had to sit next to her while her three year old sun got a spinal tap and she heard him screaming all the way from his room. 

Even now in college I've been to hospitals for appointments, or scares with friends. 

I don't know what it is, but I always seem to be there. I want to be there. 

Waiting for hours on end sucks, but knowing that you are there supporting the people you love is what makes it worth it. 

I couldn't tell you how many times I've been to the hospital with people who told me I didn't need to be there, or they apologize, or say that they don't want to be a burden. 

It's never been a burden. Not for me. I think deep down I just love them, so I want to be there, to know that they are safe, or at least have them feel safer because they have someone there for them. 

I can't think of the last time I went to the hospital for my own reasons. 

But I hope that when I end up having to go, that there will be people there with me, to make me feel safe, and not cold and alone in a place where I don't know or trust anyone. I want someone who will look me in the eyes and tell me that I'm not a burden and they aren't leaving. Someone who would even come with me and sit in the waiting room with me when a friend is getting checked out and I'm alone. It's nice to have those friends. It's nice to have people there for you. So that's why I always try to be. 

Love of My Life

How can they not notice?

She's sitting alone, you can see it in her eyes, she's dying inside.

Past loves left her dry and future loves leave her hanging on tomorrow hoping he'll come along or wishing that the fire she sits in front of would sweep her into the flames if he doesn't truly exist.

Does he exist though?

This man who will make her truly happy?

A man who will care for her and hold her when she needs the comfort she needs now.

A man who will lead, and pray, and love, without ceasing.

Does he exist?

She sits there wondering if she'll ever not be alone, as she sits on a crowded beach, with "friends" all around her.

Hold me, she whispers into the air hoping that no matter where he is he can hear her and feel her pain.

As she feels the fire-warmed wind brush past her face and push her hair from her face.

She knows he is there.

The one who truly cares, truly loves, and will always give her joy.

Her Lord who encompasses her with his presence as she longs for a love that has never and will never be extinguished.

She sits content with her feet buried in the sand and stares at the fire watching the flames rise up, as the fire in her heart begins to stir.

The love of God fills her, and she is finally satisfied. 

She has found the love of her life.