Time Has Taught Me Things

In 2010, I started writing my own teen novel. I worked on it for a long time and then eventually felt like it was terrible and it would never get published, or even finished. I read so many better things around me and knew so many writers that were exceedingly better than I was.

Last week, I opened it back up again. I began rewriting it, adding detail and changing certain situations. I was fully immersed in it. It brought me joy again.

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In sixth grade I got my first guitar. I loved it. I wrote terrible songs with my friends and then we would stand by our tree and sing them during school breaks. It never led anywhere but eventually my songs got better and I could do it on my own.

Recently I've had a really hard time playing my guitar and writing songs. Even looking at my guitar across the room makes me feel guilty for not touching it. I have a hard time because I don't want anyone to hear me. There is a much better guitar player in the house and I think sometimes I'm just too intimidated to write my songs that consist of four chords.

So I haven't.

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Sometimes I think we allow others success to scare us out of our own.

I spent almost all of college feeling like I couldn't be a writer because it was somebody else's thing. They were a terrific writer and I sucked, or at least felt like I did.

But when we put the pressure of others success on ourselves, it scares us out of trying.

At least it scared me out of trying.

Instead of asking my friend to read my writing and help me become better, I just stopped writing.

I became too prideful. If I couldn't be great at it on my own then I wasn't going to do it at all.

I'm scared of criticism, even if it's constructive, especially if it's constructive.

But here I am again, writing. I'm writing because I love it. Because I love creating things.

If I love something, I'm not going to stop because someone else does it better. There's always going to be someone that does something better.

The only difference is that they aren't me. They don't want to say what I want to say.

They don't want to sing how I want to sing, or play guitar.

No one can do what I do, because no one is me, but me.

I can keep doing what I love and continue to get better.

Or I can stop everything because I think that I'm not good enough, based on someone else's years of practice.

These are the things that time has taught me.

Inspired

If there's a person who can truly make you inspired, I think it's Olan Rogers. If you haven't had a chance to watch any of his videos, you should make time for it.

Not only is he one of the most hilarious people that I've ever seen, his Soda Parlor Documentary is inspiring as heck.

He talks about his dream of opening up this Soda Parlor to be able to spend time with people whenever he wants. This person that loves people, and getting to know them talks about how he felt that this dream almost wasn't going to come true.

If you feel like you're uninspired, discouraged, disappointed in everything including yourself, this 15 minute documentary can maybe lift your spirits just enough to allow you to breath. To allow you to realize that there is still life, and that if you're willing to work hard and fight for your dreams that you can do it, one step at a time.

I've been living in a state completely bare of any motivation, or beauty. Usually I can find the beauty in the world, but recently all I've found is anxiety, and fear that I'll be stuck here forever. A fear that I'll never live my dreams.

And then I sit in my room and wonder what my true dreams were in the first place.

Well, one of my dreams is to make it on my own. I want to be able to support myself, without the help of parents, family, or even a husband. I'm not one who has always depended on people, and being home depending completely on my parents makes me feel like I'm worthless.

Another dream is that I want to write music, and perform and I want people to like my songs. I want to live completely immersed in music. I want to have a legit EP. One that's recorded with people. I want musicians around me that make me better.

Dream number three is to be a writer. Which at this point I've done a lot more writing than I have practicing my guitar. I like writing words that could somehow make a difference. So I write teen fiction with tiny little pieces of my life in it. I want to subtly write my story in the back stories of my characters and somehow change someone's life. Like Rainbow Rowell, or Melody Carlson, or Robin Jones Gunn.

I dream of traveling. I want to road trip everywhere. I want to fly over seas, out of this country and see what it's really like out there. I want to see all these amazing sights that I've only heard about, or seen pictures of.

I dream of a family. I dream of marrying the man of my dreams and living together in a tiny house, or apartment. Coincidentally I dream of marrying the man I do music with. But that doesn't have to happen. I just want someone who will support my crazy dreams and someone whose dreams I can love to support. I can't wait to come home to the love of my life, to greet him with a kiss and to be able to hold him and not have to let go. I can't wait to wake up next to someone. Right now this is one of the most important dreams to me, however I put it last because I realize it shouldn't be the most important to me.

I want to live my life. I haven't yet learned how to share this life with someone. I can barely keep up with my relationship with God. I don't need another distraction from my Lord.

My God has given me these dreams, and I don't think He is the type to dangle something I love in front of me and not let me have it. Dreams are supposed to be work, and I get that now.

I think I just need to stop being paralyzed by fear.

I fear that others will judge me, but to be honest with myself, some probably will.

I'm afraid that people won't like my music, or my writing, but some people won't.

I'm afraid of money. I let it consume me. Constantly checking my bank account to see if I have enough. Yet I spend money on things that aren't important to me.

I'm afraid of feeling guilty for leaving a job I don't necessarily think will grow me in the areas I need it to.

I'm afraid of people being upset with me. I care too much about how people see me and my choices.

I have so many things standing in my way and I think that I need to take the time to sit before God and give everything up.

I need to set it all at his feet. I need to set it at his feet and ask that he either bless it, or close the door on it.

I watched the Soda Parlor Documentary again today. It's something that maybe I should watch daily. It makes me feel like my dreams are achievable. Which they are, I just don't know where to start. I need to find inspiration in myself. I think.

Lord help me to see the plan. Open the doors, and close the ones that I shouldn't even be looking at. Lord help me. Give me peace in my times of anxiety. Help me to immediately look to you and know that it's going to be okay. It's not my whole life. That i'm only 23 and I have the rest of my life ahead of me. Give me strength, and help me to fight for my dreams. I love you Lord. Amen.