Realizations of a Typical Adult

Today I arrived back in Hollister. I'm here for about a week before I fly out to Switzerland. I made it in about eight hours, walked in the door, and ate breakfast for dinner.

Everyone kind of went off to bed and I decided that it was a great idea to read one of my journals from high school. Mistake numero uno.

It was cool though, I got to read prayers that I had written down to God about other people, yes, but mainly about my life and what my purpose was. It was cute. I was kind of just sitting there all proud of myself I guess. You know, like a parent is proud of their child's scribbly marker art, or even their kid mumbling through giving thanks before a meal. It was cute in a childish way.

Reading through my very first completed journal actually made me realize how far I have come.

I found out through my twenty-five year old eyes that my sixteen year old self was whiney as hell. Like it legitimately bothered me. I was secretly hoping that the ramblings that filled each page were never actually spoken aloud to others before they were written down. Unlikely.

Not only was I completely boy obsessed, which by the way I would love to go back and punch myself in the stomach for being so naive, but I was also very persistent on saying I wanted things to change without actually doing anything to change them.

Lets take my boy crazed self for example. I wrote page after page about my crushes on these guys and talked all about how they probably didn't like me. Not that I actually gave them the chance to. Seeing as I never told any of them. To be honest, I didn't really talk to many of them either. It was more of a silent appreciation from afar. No wonder I used to sign my journal entries as "A Typical Teenager." *cue eye roll*

But here I am now. I'm sure my prayers have improved at least a little bit. I can also honestly say that I feel as though I'm not boy crazy anymore. I actually talk to guys now. Don't worry readers. I've evolved. I'm not a total creeper anymore.

The part that gets me the most I think, is that the concerns I voiced in my journal are still things that concern me today. It almost doesn't feel like a flashback to before my college years.

I literally wrote that I was scared to go through college only to not find a job and have to move home. Which I ended up having to anyways but that isn't the point. My point is that I have been scared to take leaps and bounds because I don't want to end up back at my parent's house. Or back where I started. It feels like ten thousand steps back.

I was trying to figure out my purpose then and here I am now still trying to figure out the things that actually make me happy and aren't just in my life to please someone else.

It hit me that maybe there are certain things that we will always struggle with. Mine is letting go and trusting that things will be taken care of.

I'm basically like the Israelites in the desert when they all forget what God literally just did to get them out of Egypt.

Not letting my fears get in the way of God's plan for my life will be the greatest thing I could ever do.

So this time I don't want to immediately think of the worst case scenario. I want to think of what I truly want and to go for that full force without thinking it will land me back in my old bedroom in my parent's house.

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

Sincerely,

A Typical Adult

Living for the Future

Have you ever gotten so caught up in plans, and ideas for your future that it just completely consumes everything you are? Lately, I've been so focused on what will be that I don't take a second to look at what is.

Last night our team got some pretty upsetting news. That we most likely will not be here next summer.

Now I believe that God does miracles and I'm all for seeing The Station being one, but I can't not make plans for my future.

Where will I live? What mediocre job will I take to replace the awesome one I have now? How can I still be a part of something bigger that matters?

So many questions swirling around in my brain. So many thoughts.

Thoughts like how much I hate job hunting, and how there really aren't affordable places to rent in Mammoth and I definitely lucked out with what I have.

These questions seem so overwhelming. But in the midst of the chaos in my brain, I took a second to stop and look around.

I somehow halted the perforating thoughts for long enough to breathe and be thankful for the now.

Gazing around our crowded lodge at all the campers and staff, I had this moment. I was grateful.

I was so happy that all these people are here and that I get to be a part of this.

This place was once my bosses dream, and for the past nine years she has been walking it out. She has fought and trudged through way worse things than just being snowed into the staffhouse.

Not only has she chosen to not give up, but she chooses each day to believe that there is something new God wants to show her.

So as I try to slow my mind and tell it the future will come and have worries of its own, I must also look to my King as He tells me "be still and know that I am God."

Know that He has everything covered.

Know that my wildest dreams don't even come close to the plans that He has for me.

And know that as I walk, stumble, fall, freak out, and hope to God my future isn't as hard as it's seeming to be, that He will always love me just as I am.

Here's to living for the future while being completely consumed by the now, and trusting that God will tell me when one becomes the other.

Do What You Love, Even If You Aren't Great At It

Recently I've had a couple realizations. 1.) I wasn't necessarily investing my time and money into things that I loved. But rather, I was investing time and money into things that were convenient and weren't really that important in the end.

and

2.) I've been letting my lack of experience or knowledge in those things I love stop me from trying.

I think deep down I've spent my whole life NOT doing things because I was scared that I wouldn't be any good at them.

I was scared that I would put my heart into something and fail. To me, not trying was easier.

That's why I don't play sports, or attempt handstands (more common sense than anything, I have zero upper body strength), but also why I haven't played my music in front of people a lot. Even though I love those things, I'm so scared of what people will think if I'm not good at them.

I have always loved photography. Always. And last week I finally decided to do something about it. I bought a camera. Not a point and shoot. Not something that's attached to my phone. A real Canon camera. I think I put it off for so long because I was scared I wasn't even good enough to own one. That it wasn't a big enough hobby for me to actually spend the money on it.

But you know what I did? I took my new camera, went off on an adventure by myself and took some pictures in the forest. Even if I only liked five out of the seventy I took, going out and doing that brought me so much joy.

This picture was my favorite. And it may be too dark, or out of focus, but I took it. I took it and I love it.

I think that we spend too much time caring about what other people think. I have wasted the twenty-four years of my existence being scared I wasn't good enough.

And I may still struggle with it from time to time. But today I want to make the choice to believe that I am good enough. I'll probably have to remind myself tomorrow. But as long as I am out there doing the things I love, I'm fine with working through that struggle.

Are you?

Inspired

If there's a person who can truly make you inspired, I think it's Olan Rogers. If you haven't had a chance to watch any of his videos, you should make time for it.

Not only is he one of the most hilarious people that I've ever seen, his Soda Parlor Documentary is inspiring as heck.

He talks about his dream of opening up this Soda Parlor to be able to spend time with people whenever he wants. This person that loves people, and getting to know them talks about how he felt that this dream almost wasn't going to come true.

If you feel like you're uninspired, discouraged, disappointed in everything including yourself, this 15 minute documentary can maybe lift your spirits just enough to allow you to breath. To allow you to realize that there is still life, and that if you're willing to work hard and fight for your dreams that you can do it, one step at a time.

I've been living in a state completely bare of any motivation, or beauty. Usually I can find the beauty in the world, but recently all I've found is anxiety, and fear that I'll be stuck here forever. A fear that I'll never live my dreams.

And then I sit in my room and wonder what my true dreams were in the first place.

Well, one of my dreams is to make it on my own. I want to be able to support myself, without the help of parents, family, or even a husband. I'm not one who has always depended on people, and being home depending completely on my parents makes me feel like I'm worthless.

Another dream is that I want to write music, and perform and I want people to like my songs. I want to live completely immersed in music. I want to have a legit EP. One that's recorded with people. I want musicians around me that make me better.

Dream number three is to be a writer. Which at this point I've done a lot more writing than I have practicing my guitar. I like writing words that could somehow make a difference. So I write teen fiction with tiny little pieces of my life in it. I want to subtly write my story in the back stories of my characters and somehow change someone's life. Like Rainbow Rowell, or Melody Carlson, or Robin Jones Gunn.

I dream of traveling. I want to road trip everywhere. I want to fly over seas, out of this country and see what it's really like out there. I want to see all these amazing sights that I've only heard about, or seen pictures of.

I dream of a family. I dream of marrying the man of my dreams and living together in a tiny house, or apartment. Coincidentally I dream of marrying the man I do music with. But that doesn't have to happen. I just want someone who will support my crazy dreams and someone whose dreams I can love to support. I can't wait to come home to the love of my life, to greet him with a kiss and to be able to hold him and not have to let go. I can't wait to wake up next to someone. Right now this is one of the most important dreams to me, however I put it last because I realize it shouldn't be the most important to me.

I want to live my life. I haven't yet learned how to share this life with someone. I can barely keep up with my relationship with God. I don't need another distraction from my Lord.

My God has given me these dreams, and I don't think He is the type to dangle something I love in front of me and not let me have it. Dreams are supposed to be work, and I get that now.

I think I just need to stop being paralyzed by fear.

I fear that others will judge me, but to be honest with myself, some probably will.

I'm afraid that people won't like my music, or my writing, but some people won't.

I'm afraid of money. I let it consume me. Constantly checking my bank account to see if I have enough. Yet I spend money on things that aren't important to me.

I'm afraid of feeling guilty for leaving a job I don't necessarily think will grow me in the areas I need it to.

I'm afraid of people being upset with me. I care too much about how people see me and my choices.

I have so many things standing in my way and I think that I need to take the time to sit before God and give everything up.

I need to set it all at his feet. I need to set it at his feet and ask that he either bless it, or close the door on it.

I watched the Soda Parlor Documentary again today. It's something that maybe I should watch daily. It makes me feel like my dreams are achievable. Which they are, I just don't know where to start. I need to find inspiration in myself. I think.

Lord help me to see the plan. Open the doors, and close the ones that I shouldn't even be looking at. Lord help me. Give me peace in my times of anxiety. Help me to immediately look to you and know that it's going to be okay. It's not my whole life. That i'm only 23 and I have the rest of my life ahead of me. Give me strength, and help me to fight for my dreams. I love you Lord. Amen.