This is why I'm single...

When I went home for Thanksgiving last month, I had an amazing time being with family and I even got to meet a few new members of it. The one tiny detail about me being the last single person in my family is not lost on me. It's basically my uncle and me and then everyone else with kids.

As the night went on, I underwent all the "are you dating anyone?" questions, and of course informed everyone that, no, I was not dating anyone, but would send out a group message once I was.

This of course isn't that big of a deal to me.

But then, later after dinner we all sat and watched the little ones play.

Everything went a little chaotic for a second with the kids and my uncle looked at me and made a comment about us choosing the right way. Or simple way. Or basically the way that prevented us both from sitting there with crazy kids to take care of.

Without missing a beat I said "You say it as if I had a choice."

It wasn't until this moment where it was like, oh wow. So that's how I really feel.

I've been living my life "single" and doing what I feel God is leading me to do, but deep down as I watch everyone else around me find love, get married and make babies it just makes me wonder, when is it my turn?

I'm not upset about it. But I do wonder.

So I may or may not have bought the book "Loveology" by John Mark Comer.

If I have all this time as a single person, I'm sure as heck going to prepare myself for what's to come.

So I'm reading through this book, and in the back of my head I just hear the whining "why am I single?" You know. Like one of those thoughts you don't give yourself permission to think.

Page after page, of wonderful insight by the way, and I found it.

"The point of marriage isn't to find our missing half. It's to help each other become all that God intended. Our future, real selves. In marriage, two people partner to that end. They see the best in each other -- the person God created them to be -- and they push and pull each other toward that goal.

Don't get married because you think he or she is "the one." Trust me, they're not. There's no such thing! But do get married when you see who God is making somebody to be, and it lights you up. When you want to be a part of that story of transformation. That journey to the future. When you are well aware it will be a long and bumpy ride, but you don't want to miss one mile. Because you believe in God's calling on them, and you want in."

Okay. I'm not going to lie to you. I definitely started crying when I read this.

It was this moment of clarity.

Then suddenly all the crushes, almost boyfriends, and people that I gave a second glance to came rushing through my mind. There was a reason I never allowed myself to let anything become more than it was. It's not that there was a lack of opportunity, but there was a lack of future.

It honestly put my mind at ease when I realized that I had finally found the reason why I didn't have anyone. But it was also the reason why I didn't want anyone.

I have not felt this way about anyone that has ever crossed my path.

You know you have crushes and sometimes you have opportunities to speak up and say something, but you don't. Somewhere deep down inside you know this is just a crush, and it wouldn't actually go anywhere. I like them, but the future I see for them is not a future that I want.

Sometimes I think when we're single we start thinking about all the things that could be wrong with who we are. The reasons why people don't pursue us. We start doubting ourselves and believing lies about who we are only because guys aren't dropping at our feet telling us how amazing we are.

Maybe it's just the same for them? They think you're great, but you are not someone they want their future with. It doesn't have to be made into some self-hating thing. (I am mostly speaking to myself here.)

So someone doesn't want to waste your time! Why are you complaining?

I would most definitely rather not have guys pursue me for the sake of pursuing.

If I have to wait in complete silence from men, for the one person who sees my heart and where my future leads and wants in, then it was worth it.

So until that happens. This is why I'm single...

Inspired

If there's a person who can truly make you inspired, I think it's Olan Rogers. If you haven't had a chance to watch any of his videos, you should make time for it.

Not only is he one of the most hilarious people that I've ever seen, his Soda Parlor Documentary is inspiring as heck.

He talks about his dream of opening up this Soda Parlor to be able to spend time with people whenever he wants. This person that loves people, and getting to know them talks about how he felt that this dream almost wasn't going to come true.

If you feel like you're uninspired, discouraged, disappointed in everything including yourself, this 15 minute documentary can maybe lift your spirits just enough to allow you to breath. To allow you to realize that there is still life, and that if you're willing to work hard and fight for your dreams that you can do it, one step at a time.

I've been living in a state completely bare of any motivation, or beauty. Usually I can find the beauty in the world, but recently all I've found is anxiety, and fear that I'll be stuck here forever. A fear that I'll never live my dreams.

And then I sit in my room and wonder what my true dreams were in the first place.

Well, one of my dreams is to make it on my own. I want to be able to support myself, without the help of parents, family, or even a husband. I'm not one who has always depended on people, and being home depending completely on my parents makes me feel like I'm worthless.

Another dream is that I want to write music, and perform and I want people to like my songs. I want to live completely immersed in music. I want to have a legit EP. One that's recorded with people. I want musicians around me that make me better.

Dream number three is to be a writer. Which at this point I've done a lot more writing than I have practicing my guitar. I like writing words that could somehow make a difference. So I write teen fiction with tiny little pieces of my life in it. I want to subtly write my story in the back stories of my characters and somehow change someone's life. Like Rainbow Rowell, or Melody Carlson, or Robin Jones Gunn.

I dream of traveling. I want to road trip everywhere. I want to fly over seas, out of this country and see what it's really like out there. I want to see all these amazing sights that I've only heard about, or seen pictures of.

I dream of a family. I dream of marrying the man of my dreams and living together in a tiny house, or apartment. Coincidentally I dream of marrying the man I do music with. But that doesn't have to happen. I just want someone who will support my crazy dreams and someone whose dreams I can love to support. I can't wait to come home to the love of my life, to greet him with a kiss and to be able to hold him and not have to let go. I can't wait to wake up next to someone. Right now this is one of the most important dreams to me, however I put it last because I realize it shouldn't be the most important to me.

I want to live my life. I haven't yet learned how to share this life with someone. I can barely keep up with my relationship with God. I don't need another distraction from my Lord.

My God has given me these dreams, and I don't think He is the type to dangle something I love in front of me and not let me have it. Dreams are supposed to be work, and I get that now.

I think I just need to stop being paralyzed by fear.

I fear that others will judge me, but to be honest with myself, some probably will.

I'm afraid that people won't like my music, or my writing, but some people won't.

I'm afraid of money. I let it consume me. Constantly checking my bank account to see if I have enough. Yet I spend money on things that aren't important to me.

I'm afraid of feeling guilty for leaving a job I don't necessarily think will grow me in the areas I need it to.

I'm afraid of people being upset with me. I care too much about how people see me and my choices.

I have so many things standing in my way and I think that I need to take the time to sit before God and give everything up.

I need to set it all at his feet. I need to set it at his feet and ask that he either bless it, or close the door on it.

I watched the Soda Parlor Documentary again today. It's something that maybe I should watch daily. It makes me feel like my dreams are achievable. Which they are, I just don't know where to start. I need to find inspiration in myself. I think.

Lord help me to see the plan. Open the doors, and close the ones that I shouldn't even be looking at. Lord help me. Give me peace in my times of anxiety. Help me to immediately look to you and know that it's going to be okay. It's not my whole life. That i'm only 23 and I have the rest of my life ahead of me. Give me strength, and help me to fight for my dreams. I love you Lord. Amen.