You Complete Me

What if there isn’t anyone for me? 

I think about this question sometimes. 

I’m not restless about finding someone to date and marry (anymore), but I would admit that it’s something that’s on my mind. 

Sometimes I think that growing up in the church put my focus more on my “future husband” than on my own future. I know that’s a strong statement. I’m not saying it’s every church, but sometimes I think the church puts a heavy emphasis on people finding mates.

To be honest, I can’t remember a time where I wasn’t thinking about who my “future husband” could be. 

It’s as if this became the most important thing to me. Finding him. 

At some point I think I stopped having my own dreams and just started only thinking about what my future would be like when I meet the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. 

I wanted to be a rockstar. A writer. A painter. 

I wanted to be Avril Lavigne. 

I wanted to be a spy. 

When I was a child, I didn’t dream about being someone’s wife. 

I dreamt about having a horse and hacking into the mainframe. 

I mean maybe I dreamt about having my own Sk8er Boi.

My identity became completely wrapped up in finding someone. In changing who I was to be what someone liked. I lost myself to try and find someone else. 

I’m twenty-seven years old now, and I finally feel like I know what my identity is. It’s not lost in a sea of things that I pretended to like or dislike. Or in my choice to wear makeup or not. Or if I end up with someone or not.

It’s lost in a God that loves me the way He made me. Who says I don’t have to change to be loved by Him. 

It’s crazy how far any of us could be from the truth, and yet God still loves us anyways. 

So now when I think about that question, “what if there isn’t anyone for me?”

I can immediately dismiss it. Because honestly who cares? 

As long as God is for me and I am for me, does it really matter? 

Of course God said it’s not good for man to be alone, but He made us for Him. Other’s aren’t made to complete us. That’s His job.

I am not ashamed.

On September 5th, I took my first antidepressant. I had been struggling with anxiety/depression almost every day for about three months. I had been working out regularly and eating pretty well, so I wasn’t sure why I was so anxious all the time.

Finally, after spending months trying to rule out certain things, I gave in.

I kept beating myself up because I was thinking it was something I was doing. Or wasn’t doing. So I went to the doctor.

Initially I didn’t want to.

I have grown up in the church. I have grown up surrounded by people telling me “not to claim it” when I’m sick. Or basically just feeling like I’m not believing hard enough if I’m not getting healed.

Don’t get me wrong. I am definitely a believer that God can heal. But I’m also a believer that God uses his children for healing. Including doctors. Including medicine. So instead of continuing to believe that medication meant I had failed, I went in and got some.

And you know what? It helped.

I had spent three months of my life, riddled with anxiety everyday. Losing myself in fear and panic. Getting depressed because I felt lost in this cycle of feeling good for a day and thinking I’d been healed only to wake up in a panic the next day.

Crying after a panic attack because I was so upset that it happened again. Asking people to pray for me almost daily. Crying out to God to fix me. To heal me. To help me.

All of this had ceased and I felt like I could breathe again. I could breathe. And I could be myself. People around me even started to notice that I seemed more like myself. Lighter.

All because of a tiny little pill made by someone whom God made.

Through this whole process, I was leading worship at my church. I was still walking with God. I was still a very strong believer.

And yet, word got back to me that someone I had trusted and told all this to, had told one of the pastors that they couldn't follow a worship leader that was on medication.

I share that not because I'm upset, but because sometimes when people get on medication, other people might question their credibility. Inside or outside the church.

And if you are one of those people who feel doubted and questioned, do not be discouraged or ashamed. There is nothing wrong with medication. There is nothing wrong with taking a step to help yourself. God does not condemn you. So don't listen to anyone else who tries to. 

But find the people who are going to love and support you through your process. The people you can run to when you have a bad day. The people who will always be praying for you. Find those people.

And never be ashamed.

Going Afraid

Over and over again I have had the realization that sometimes in life you are just going to be afraid, but you're going to have to do it anyways. Yesterday I was at a coffeeshop with some friends and we were all working on different projects. This girl walks in and apparently knows one of my friends and he introduced us to her.

Later, when I was about to leave, my friend looks at me and says "you should give her a word" pointing at his friend.

For those of you who don't know what that means. It basically means asking God if He wants to say anything to someone, a word of encouragement or a prophetic word. Listening. And then sharing it with someone.

Without missing a beat, I say "I don't have anything."

"You didn't even ask" he says. Which threw me. Honestly. In my past three years of being involved in a ministry school and a church that does prophetic ministry, no one has ever challenged me in this way. If I had said I didn't have anything people would take my word for what it was and not push it. But he pushed it.

I walked downstairs to go to the bathroom and I was like fine I'll ask.

So I just say (in my head) God do you have anything for her?

And then I saw this picture. Shoot. He did have something for her.

I heard someone come into the restroom and I was like oh if that's her I can tell her really quick and leave and not have to encounter my friend who had challenged me.

It wasn't her. And so I paced around for a good minute before I got up the courage to walk back upstairs. I looked to where she was sitting and there was my friend smiling at me because he knew.

I walked over and super awkwardly gave her the word I thought God was speaking to her. And this girl who I knew nothing about got up and gave me a hug saying "that means so much to me."

I was so relieved. I said goodbye and started walking out and I heard her say to my friend "did you tell her anything?"

It was one of those dumb humbling moments where you're like "Okay God, I get it."

That was more important than my fear. The fact that this girl, who for all I know doesn't believe in God, knew that in that moment God knew her and loved her.

I have been fighting my fear for a long time thinking that I can't do things if I'm afraid, but that is not even close to being the case.

Almost always there will be fear, and there will be the opportunity to do it anyways.

Yesterday, I chose doing it anyways. I chose going forward afraid, but trusting that God had me.

And everyday I will trust in the fact that God always has me, and that even if I am afraid, I can do it anyways.