I am not ashamed.

On September 5th, I took my first antidepressant. I had been struggling with anxiety/depression almost every day for about three months. I had been working out regularly and eating pretty well, so I wasn’t sure why I was so anxious all the time.

Finally, after spending months trying to rule out certain things, I gave in.

I kept beating myself up because I was thinking it was something I was doing. Or wasn’t doing. So I went to the doctor.

Initially I didn’t want to.

I have grown up in the church. I have grown up surrounded by people telling me “not to claim it” when I’m sick. Or basically just feeling like I’m not believing hard enough if I’m not getting healed.

Don’t get me wrong. I am definitely a believer that God can heal. But I’m also a believer that God uses his children for healing. Including doctors. Including medicine. So instead of continuing to believe that medication meant I had failed, I went in and got some.

And you know what? It helped.

I had spent three months of my life, riddled with anxiety everyday. Losing myself in fear and panic. Getting depressed because I felt lost in this cycle of feeling good for a day and thinking I’d been healed only to wake up in a panic the next day.

Crying after a panic attack because I was so upset that it happened again. Asking people to pray for me almost daily. Crying out to God to fix me. To heal me. To help me.

All of this had ceased and I felt like I could breathe again. I could breathe. And I could be myself. People around me even started to notice that I seemed more like myself. Lighter.

All because of a tiny little pill made by someone whom God made.

Through this whole process, I was leading worship at my church. I was still walking with God. I was still a very strong believer.

And yet, word got back to me that someone I had trusted and told all this to, had told one of the pastors that they couldn't follow a worship leader that was on medication.

I share that not because I'm upset, but because sometimes when people get on medication, other people might question their credibility. Inside or outside the church.

And if you are one of those people who feel doubted and questioned, do not be discouraged or ashamed. There is nothing wrong with medication. There is nothing wrong with taking a step to help yourself. God does not condemn you. So don't listen to anyone else who tries to. 

But find the people who are going to love and support you through your process. The people you can run to when you have a bad day. The people who will always be praying for you. Find those people.

And never be ashamed.

Switzerland: Day 7

Our second day in Davos was pretty laid back. Abi and I woke up after breakfast because we stayed up pretty late, but we had orange juice and apples in our room and that was sufficient enough for breakfast.

Then we headed to the YWAMs class where they recapped all that happened last night. Students had stories about prophesying over strangers and getting to encourage people.

Hearing their stories was truly amazing because a lot of them lined up with the MLSSM students stories.

Abi and I had given words to this teenage boy who Amanda and a YWAM girl Felicia had gotten to encourage. Then I found out that another student Max had given the same word to one of the girls I had walked up to and given a word to.

It was all just so amazing.

After lunch the MLSSM team headed into town to one of Jamie's favorite coffee shops. Amazing. The food was great and the coffee was even better.

Following that we went to a designer store called Freitag where literally everything sold there is made out of the tarps that go on the side of the semi truck trailers. It sounded a little weird to me at first too, but it was so awesome. Though sadly too expensive.

We made our way home and arrived almost right in time for dinner and then had a night of worship.

The night of worship was the perfect end to a pretty perfect day. But now onto the next.

How I Got Here

I never used to think of things in the big picture perspective. I've always thought, things happened, and then other completely unrelated things happened, and that even more things will continue to happen.

It was never, things happened because other things happened.

But now I fully believe that everything, at least almost everything is connected.

So with that said, I would like to tell you how I got here, November 21 2015, sleepless at 4:45 am.

It all started with my seeking out another job in May.

I got a job offer and gave my notice at my current job. Then a week before my time of employment was up, the other job was seemingly less likely.

A little stressed I decided to still go on a road trip with my best friend two weeks later. I arrived in Mammoth Lakes, CA on July 12th, 2015. Immediately it felt like home and like I had purpose here.

After a week of wondering what I should do, I ended up emailing the other place and saying I would be staying in Mammoth. I applied for the school at Lighthouse, and I waited. I waited for God to provide, and He did.

In the two months between the time I arrived and the time the school started I dealt with a lot of stuff that I had willingly taken on while being home. Things that weren't my responsibility or things that were just lies. So already I had an amazing amount of healing.

School started and it was the most amazing shift I think I've ever been through. I went from "being done" with school to not being able to wait to go to school the next day.

The third week of school we went on a trip to Redding and I prophesied over someone for the first time, and it's as if I had been doing it the whole time.

This past week a fellow student talked a lot about how people have fear of man, and how Moses had fear of man and that's where Aaron came in. Every time she would mention it, I would feel myself kind of stiffen. I think deep down I knew that that was exactly what I struggled with in my walk with God, being afraid of what everyone would think or say.

Last night, the camp's developing worship team (four staff members) got together to have a mini worship practice. We were going for a couple of minutes and two of my friends got up and went into another room, and I was left sitting next to my roommate Jacob.

He was playing the guitar and singing and I was just sitting there. A couple minutes before I had felt God say, well at least I thought He said, to lift my hands to Him. However, I've always been pretty reserved in my worship. But when it was just Jacob and me, I decided, you know what, and I raised both arms straight up into the air and began praying.

I began to pray that I wouldn't be afraid of what people thought anymore. That I wouldn't have a fear of man, but a fear of God. I didn't want to hold back in worship because I thought people would think how I worshipped was weird. So I prayed this prayer and put my hands down feeling satisfied.

If that little prayer from my end could make me feel satisfied, you will understand why what happened next left me completely crippled.

Almost as soon as the other girls came back Jacob started playing the opening riff to You Won't Relent. And as earlier discussed with him, I was going to be singing it. So I started singing the first verse, and my friend began to tremble under the Holy Spirit probably about four words in.

I continued singing, happy that she was having that experience, and focused on the words and my voice. By the time I had sang through the second part twice I couldn't do anymore. I hadn't noticed right away but I had been physically shaking the whole time I was singing, and it wasn't because I was nervous. The Holy Spirit was on me.

I stopped singing, because I couldn't. I was basically paralyzed. It felt like every inch of me was vibrating and I couldn't move. I didn't sing for the rest of the night, and very gradually the shaking feeling faded. Though I could still barely make my way to the car because my legs felt so weird.

When I arrived home I went straight to the bathroom washed my tear stricken face and came upstairs to lay down. Not sleep. Just lay down and let myself bask in what had just happened, and allow myself to fully calm down. For about an hour I laid on my bed and just thought about how God has answered my prayer. Since the day I arrived in Mammoth I've been asking God to show me His presence, to let His spirit fall on me.

I actually have a song that says "Jesus speak to me, let your presence fall, and we will sing." Little did I know when I wrote that, that it would be almost impossible for me to even speak when His presence came on me.

At some point I fell asleep and woke up around 1:30 this morning, and I've been awake every since.

You know when you are waiting for something to happen and you can't fall asleep the night before? Or something so good happens that you're too happy to sleep?

I honestly don't know which it is, probably both, but I am still wide awake. It's 5:08 am. What the heck.

Anyways, back to my point.

It was all connected.

I have repeatedly told people that I probably wouldn't have been here if I hadn't have gone for that first job that I gave my notice for. If I hadn't of quit ahead of time, I wouldn't have felt okay leaving. But because I had already gone out on a limb, I decided why the hell not?

Literally? "Why the hell not?" Is how I ended up here?

I don't fully believe that, but that's how it started. But since then God has opened every door, and the next, and the next. I went from a place of anxiety and depression, to healing and His presence.

God knew that I wasn't ready to just jump right in. I needed healing first. It was all those steps that led me to last night and being able to lay down my fear at the cross, and feel His presence.

That is how I got here, sleepless at 5:14 in the morning on November 21, 2015. I'm tired, and ecstatic and just in awe of what God managed to completely change in me in one night. Now I am left wanting more.

But first sleep because I need to be up in an hour.