Surround Yourself With People Who Want to See Your Dreams Come True

In September I took a trip to Switzerland. Again. I know right? How does a girl who never even thought about traveling other than wanting to visit her homeland (Italy), end up going to Switzerland twice in two years?

Well, the simplest answer is that when I moved to Mammoth, I was immediately surrounded by people that travelled a lot.

After living in a place where traveling is the norm and streets are filled with foreign skiers and snowboarders, it kind of changes your mindset. Lets just say that it rubbed off on me.

This last trip was a totally different experience than the first.

My first trip was a missions trip. Every day planned and filled with some sort of meeting with people my pastors knew but I had only ever heard of.

This trip was more freeing in a way. When it started, I was in an awesome city with three of my closest friends. I'm sure when we all lived in the Staffhouse together that we were not expecting to all be in Zürich together two years later.

But I think it was a reunion that we all needed. We needed to see each other as we were all getting ready to embark on a different chapter of our own lives.

So in the span of two and a half weeks I went from Zürich to Laax, Laax to Interlaken, Interlaken to Saas Fee, and then back to Zürich to begin my travels home.

It was a very wonderful trip. That's all I can think to say to people when they ask me how my trip was. For some reason I wouldn't really elaborate at all unless people asked. Then I found myself grasping at straws for stories to entertain them.

I think now I understand why.

When I was staying in Saas Fee with the Bowman's, my Mammoth family, they decided they wanted to take me to either France or Italy. Since I am a quarter Italian and had always wanted to go I opted for that, so we went.

We drove over the border and into Italy and it was as if in my mind I was picturing a new check on my bucket list. Sure it was the equivalent of driving from San Diego into Tijuana for the day, but it meant the world to me. It was probably my favorite day out of the whole trip.

I got to experience this awesome country with the people that I love.

I had real Italian Pizza, a cappuccino, gelato shaped like a flower, and delicious Italian wine.

We talked, we laughed, and eventually we began our journey back to Saas Fee via a very windy pass in the dark of night. In between falling asleep in the backseat we laughed at how fast we were going and how not everyone was cool with it.

A day trip into the country that I had always wanted to go to, all because the people I was with love me and wanted to see this small dream of mine come true.

I think that before I moved to Mammoth, I wasn't necessarily encouraged to follow all of my dreams. I mean of course generally people would try and support what I wanted to do, but it kind of always came off as if they meant they wanted to support my dreams while I followed them from behind the walls of my high school bedroom.

Which I totally understand that when people aren't making crazy leaps of faith all the time, seeing other people doing it may seem irresponsible or insane. Or both.

But when you love someone, you want to see their dreams come true. Even if it means you don't get to be directly next to them when that happens.

I think the biggest lesson that I have learned is that you need to surround yourself not only with people who love you and love what you love, but also people who are going to want to see your dreams come true. Maybe sometimes they'll even help you along the way if they can.

I think the reason I have such a hard time telling people about my trip and the places I went is because the places actually didn't matter to me. Yes yes. Everything was amazingly beautiful. But for me I was just happy to see my friends. I was happy to be with the people that I love and who love me.

THAT is my dream come true.

And to experience a beautiful country together, well, that was just a bonus.

In My Own Head

Two Weeks ago I wrote a blog post about getting to know people and it being extremely hard for me to say goodbye to those people. Last night I had a bit of an emotional episode.

This summer, friends have come back to work at The Station. People that I truly care about and quite honestly I feel as though I was just holding my breath waiting for them to come back.

For some reason I have allowed this future goodbye make me fall apart.

At every point where I am shut out or cut off from community and hanging out with people I feel a little twinge in my heart. Another opportunity to grow closer, missed.

I think that because I decided to open my heart to people and get to know them, my heart feels extremely exposed. It's like I went from feeling scared to open up, to being scared that I'm not opening up enough and I'm going to say goodbye to these amazing individuals again and it's going to ruin me.

I got in my head.

I allowed my mind to tell me that there isn't enough time.

I've allowed my own season coming to an end make me feel as though everything is.

It's as though I spoke out that I wanted to open up to people and get to know them even if goodbyes are hard, and then I'm faced with another huge goodbye that is going to suck.

A goodbye to friends. A goodbye to summer. A possible last summer at The Station. And a possible last summer in Mammoth. A possible goodbye to my home.

But if I start breaking down now, I can't have my last experience.

I can't live in the moment if I'm thinking of the last one we'll have.

So I need to stop.

Somehow.

I need to stop getting into my own head.

Get The Hell Out

Recently a lot of stuff has been happening. By recently I mean, basically this whole fall into winter.

This past fall season, I took on more responsibilities at The Station.

Two new employees moved into the staff house and both were coincidentally in first year at the school of ministry.

Things seemed to be going good. Not too many hiccups.

Then Christmas break came. And all hell broke loose.

It seemed as though both of these people began making choices that didn't reflect a Godly lifestyle. 

If you know me at all, you know that I am not a very vocal person when it comes to my opinion or when I disagree with someone.

So all I did was sit back, and listen, and watch them break the camp rules.

I listened to the struggles. I listened to them both tell me that they didn't really get why there were such rules, and how they wanted to keep living in those lifestyles. Because they chose to keep living in those lifestyles, they ended up getting asked to leave The Station.

Eventually, the school of ministry pulled the plug on first year for them.

As all this is going on, I feel like I'm barely holding on to my sanity. Two people, that yes were making bad decisions, but I still shared life with were getting kicked out, or having the floor fall out from underneath them because the school was everything to them.

So I listened more. Still listening even though I had crap of my own that I was dealing with.

I got a dog. Wasn't ready. Took it back. Tried not to fall apart. Was pretty okay. Turned 25. Had a good day. Endured the worst winter I've ever imagined. Became one of the only employees at the camp besides the director. Wanted to quit my other job. Didn't quit my other job. Still want to quit my other job. Trying to find traction in my relationship with God. Hoping that I'm being stable enough for people to count on. Got sick. Fell apart on my boss. Had a mini breakdown. Hoped that it would go away on it's own. Feeling the weight of everything build up until I couldn't take it anymore. I needed help. Prayed that God would restore my joy. God restored my joy. Someone asked me what was wrong. Started feeling like something was actually wrong when I thought I was fine.

So much has been going on in my life, and I'm still trying to find out how to process it all.

I think that there are so many lies that I keep letting into my heart, and then I keep believing them.

So here is goes. I'm going to speak truth.

It was not my fault. I did not make them make those choices.

I am strong enough to hold down the fort, despite everyone else around me falling apart and making stupid decisions.

I am stable. You can be stable and still sometimes need to cry. It's totally normal and a part of life.

I am steadfast. I can be trusted. I can be there for people. I can be counted on.

I am beautiful. I am wanted. I am home for people. I have a mothers heart. I am a daughter of the king. I am a warrior.

So here's what I say to all the lies.

The doubts. The anxiety. The depression. The fear. The second guessing myself. The little tiny things that sneak into my mind and make me feel like I'm not good enough just as I am.

Get the hell out.

This Is It. This Is How It Ends.

Tomorrow is the day that I have been waiting for. I graduate from the Mammoth Lakes School of Supernatural Ministry. It's been seven months I believe and so much has happened.

I can honestly say that I have grown more this year than I did in four years of bible college.

I have made relationships that I know will last beyond this season and I have gained a family in Lighthouse Church.

Though I am very happy to be graduating, there are many things that make it a little bittersweet.

Yes. Tomorrow I graduate. Again.

But the day after, I have to say goodbye to some of my best friends in the world.

The friends that were here when all of the growth was happening. The ones that saw me start to believe in myself and become more bold and confident. And more importantly, the ones who called it out of me.

If they don't know that they had the biggest impact on me in this season then they are insane. Never have I lived in a community that loved this hard.

This community includes the people who encourage you, that push you, that make you feel safe. They are the people that help restore and build up. They are the people that will hold you when you know you are being completely ridiculous and yet you are still crying all over their sweater. The people that love you too much to let you sit and wallow past the point of what is socially acceptable.

It's always amazing to be able to sit in a classroom and learn things that change your life. But this place has become so much more than that. I get to be a part of something so much bigger than just a school.

I get to be a part of a huge family that spans over nations. I get to travel all the way to Switzerland and immediately feel like I'm at home. I get to finally dream for things in the future that I know are completely possible and are most likely, sorry, most definitely going to happen.

Here in this place I started to dream again. I started to believe in myself again. I've started calling the gold out of myself. I have joy and I have strength and I am bold.

So as I say goodbye to this season, I get to look forward with the knowledge that I have this family behind me. I get to transition into something new and know that I am supported and I have full confidence that I will always have those people in my life.

The ones that love you enough to encourage you to be who God made you to be.

Switzerland: Day 11

Laax is WONDERFUL!!!

Seriously. From the minute Amanda and I sat on the balcony of our temporary home we've been in love.

This little town is one of the most beautiful places I've ever been. The mountains are just crazy and the open land somewhat reminds me of home.

This part of the trip is where I got to meet all the people I heard so much about from people at home. They are all incredibly wonderful.

We went to lunch and then hiked down to a lake where I took so many pictures and Amanda waded in the water and accidentally cut her heal.

On our hike back up we found a cool tire swing.

Amanda and Abi had a lot of fun on that one.

After making our way back up and out we went to the market and made dinner for the leaders of the Laax Lighthouse.

To end the night we encouraged them and prophesied over them.

Today is day 12 and our last full day in Switzerland. Tomorrow morning we'll be heading back to Zürich to fly home. I don't know how much time I'll have to write a blog post for today, but I know that a lot is going to happen at our Lighthouse church meeting tonight at The Livingroom coffee shop.

Switzerland has been truly amazing, and even though I'm home sick, I am going to be very sad to leave.

Switzerland: Day 10

After a fun night watching Skyfall with the YWAM students yesterday, today seemed a bit sad having to say goodbye after finally connecting with some of the students. We packed up our things and had a last horrah in town. We rode the bus for probably an hour just to see where it went. It was actually amazing getting to spend that time just to go around the town.

Church was at 5pm and it was awesome. We got to give people words and encourage the whole church. And even pray for YWAM students.

By the time we got back to the YWAM base, everyone was starving. The soup was amazing and I had three rolls with it. Never ashamed.

About a hundred sad goodbyes later and we were on our way to Laax. Two hours later and we are all in bed ready to face tomorrow. Which will consist of sleeping in, maybe jumping in the indoor sauna and then meeting the Laax Lighthouse team tomorrow night.

The trip is quickly coming to an end, but I am so excited to get to know more of our Lighthouse family.

Switzerland: Days 8&9

So yesterday was day 8 and today is day 9.Because we've had somewhat of a break from commitments and we've been able to just hangout I thought I'd combine these two days. So yesterday we got to sit in on the YWAM students last class of the week as they got to watch the videos of the prophetic words they were given from people in Mammoth.

We headed into town after lunch and ended up at a bookstore that also sold Swiss Army Knives. So naturally I had to buy two for my parents and one for myself. And a journal. And another gift for my mom. Once we were back at the YWAM base Abi and I tried to download a movie but couldn't. So we both just laid down. She fell asleep and I journaled about personal issues that I will be returning to when I get back to Mammoth. A good time of crying out to God and asking for answers, followed by pulled pork sandwiches for dinner. What else could put me back in a good mood.

Also!!! My Swiss Army Knife has tweezers in it!!! How cool is that? So needless to say my eyebrows are on point today.

This morning we got to sleep in because breakfast was later. And I really needed the sleep. Abi and I got to come into town with Natalie and Hudson and go to the store. Where I bought pounds of chocolate for everyone at home.

We ended up back at the bookstore where I used my self control and didn't buy anything else.

And now we are back at Kaffee Klatsch for the third day in a row and I'm downloading The Night Before for us to watch when we get back to the base.

It's been a nice couple of days to relax, but Abi and I are both eager to head to Laax on Sunday night.

Switzerland: Day 7

Our second day in Davos was pretty laid back. Abi and I woke up after breakfast because we stayed up pretty late, but we had orange juice and apples in our room and that was sufficient enough for breakfast.

Then we headed to the YWAMs class where they recapped all that happened last night. Students had stories about prophesying over strangers and getting to encourage people.

Hearing their stories was truly amazing because a lot of them lined up with the MLSSM students stories.

Abi and I had given words to this teenage boy who Amanda and a YWAM girl Felicia had gotten to encourage. Then I found out that another student Max had given the same word to one of the girls I had walked up to and given a word to.

It was all just so amazing.

After lunch the MLSSM team headed into town to one of Jamie's favorite coffee shops. Amazing. The food was great and the coffee was even better.

Following that we went to a designer store called Freitag where literally everything sold there is made out of the tarps that go on the side of the semi truck trailers. It sounded a little weird to me at first too, but it was so awesome. Though sadly too expensive.

We made our way home and arrived almost right in time for dinner and then had a night of worship.

The night of worship was the perfect end to a pretty perfect day. But now onto the next.

Switzerland: Day 6

Davos called and we went. Today we arrived in Davos after a couple hours of train rides. Tired and a little hungry we showed up to the YWAM base where we were welcomed by the wonderful students and staff.

We mentally prepared ourselves for the Wednesday night service and then went down to dinner. We had risotto and yes it was awesome.

Then I had about half a pound of chocolate.

We met downstairs for the service and they began with worship and then Natalie spoke and Reto translated.

The service consisted of Natalie speaking and the team encouraging the congregation, some of which might not have believed in God.

The whole MLSSM team went up and gave encouraging words to individuals as well as the whole group.

Finally I decided to speak up and encourage them about seeking God and finding him.

Jeremiah 29:13 has been one of my favorite life verses for years and I'm glad everytime I get to share it.

Afterwards a girl came up to me and gave me a word about myself and how God made me. Cue the emotions.

I finally convinced myself, after I got myself together, that I would try to go and pray for the girls in the back row who Forest pointed out hadn't been prayed for yet.

If you know me at all, you know that I've been basically terrified to talk to strangers and pray for them, even when I'm not by myself. And this time I was.

So I went, and it was a bit awkward, but I told them that God thought they were beautiful and amazing and that he loved them very much. They said thank you politely and I added that I wanted to see if they needed prayer for anything. They said no. So I persisted a little further and asked them to write their names in my phone and I could pray for them later. Thankfully they did and it wasn't super awkward after. I thanked them and left, which in all honesty I'm more glad that I went instead of regretting it later.

So it's almost time to go to bed and Abi and I make our way to the door. A girl who Abi had given a word to earlier stopped me and told me she (also) got a word for me when I was standing at the front.

She got the word rockstar. She told me that she didn't know if I liked music or singing or anything but that I should be on a stage. That I should be up there on a stage as much as possible. And then I started really tearing up.

I felt so blessed, which was ironic because we came here to bless them. It just proves to show that God wants to give us more and more.

Today was only the first day in Davos and I already felt truly blessed and at home again in a new place.

My prayer for tonight will be that God will make us feel completely at home with these people and that we can love on them and become family with them like the last two places we spent our time.

Amen

Switzerland: Day 5

Today was the day of all days, but sadly enough our last full day in Zürich. We started off by staying up way too late last night and getting out of bed at 11am.

Once we had all had breakfast and were ready, we left the house to head to the river and do a prophetic act. We declared Psalms 46 over the city then we made our way onto what we all wanted to do in the city.

Mainly it consisted of finding souvenirs for our family or friends, but we did end up stopping for an amazing lunch of fondue and dessert.

Amanda had the desire to go over to the art house and to be completely honest at first I wasn't sure how I felt about it, but the minute the three of us (Amanda, Abi, and I) walked in it was like walking into a movie where someone is giving their date a tour of the museum themselves and showing them all their favorite pieces. The art was amazing but it was almost more awesome just to listen to a good friend describe her favorite artists and paintings.

We started to run out of time and had to leave to go catch the bus to take us to the train station where we would be meeting the rest of the team. Except that the bus didn't show up on time and it didn't seem that it would be showing up at all. So we began to walk, quickly.

As it was raining outside, we showed up to the train station 8 minutes late and basically soaking. Oh if only glasses had windshield wipers on them.

After a quick stop at a chocolate shop and a tiny sugar coma later, we were on our way to a small group meeting where we had the amazing opportunity to be able to speak life into the leaders.

This day was the best possible day to be our last. Friends chatting about which Swiss boy they should marry and who would be the flower girls at our triple wedding. Chocolate consumption beyond all chocolate consumptions. Pounds of cheese and bread. And feeling the presence of God within every minute of it.

Zürich has been the most amazing experience and I'm sad to leave, but there is such a peace in my heart that I will make my way back here someday. And I don't mean next week when we fly out of Zürich airport to go home.

Switzerland: Day 4

Yesterday was our forth day in Switzerland and our second day in Zürich. We began our day with breakfast and coffee and then headed out with a wonderful new friend/tour guide.

We took trains and trams and explored the city of Zürich with someone who knew exactly where we were going.

We prayed over the city and over people and expected that God would show up and move.

After being joined by another friend, he took us on a tiny historic tour of Christianity through the city. We learned so much about how Christianity began In the city and even just how Switzerland was established.

We took the time to pray over businesses, and the local skatepark, but we also got to stop at a bakery and get some amazing treats.

Getting home was probably the least exciting part of the day, except for that we got to opportunity to pray for and encourage the ICF small group that was being held where we were staying.

It's truly amazing to discover new people and realize that the world is so much bigger than the small town of Mammoth that we all travelled from.

Every single person I have met so far has felt like family. I feel comfortable with them and again the gatherings just feel like family get togethers that nobody wants to leave.

Unfortunately today is our last day in Zürich and tomorrow we make our way to Davos. Even though we don't have much planned for the day I know that God is going to show up in extraordinary ways.

Switzerland: Day 3

Today was the day we all travelled to stay in Zürich. We took a bus, a train, a cable car, and walked up an extremely steep hill to the home in which we were staying on the fourth floor.

Needless to say our legs are killing us.

We arrived for brunch that consisted of potatoes, cheese, eggs, more bread, and lovely coffee.

No words can describe the feeling I get when I'm around these people.

You'd think it would be awkward being surrounded by people who are speaking Swiss-German to each other but surprisingly enough I have felt right at home.

Every single gathering has been amazing. It's felt like the longtime awaited family reunion that no one wanted to leave. And it was wonderful.

We did however have to say bye to our lovely hosts from Uster, which wasn't the best, but we know we have made good friends that we can always think about when we think of this amazing place.

We also had to say goodbye, temporarily, to our fearless leaders as they left early to make the way to Davos. This was just minutes after their son let me hold him for a large amount of time. And I am convinced that he will love me by the end of the trip.

After an afternoon jaunt around the nearby streets and a bit of time editing the many photos I took, we had dinner with the housemates. Wonderful spaghetti and salad. Not something I was expecting in Switzerland, but as an Italian I did enjoy the meal.

A session of being prayed for by the Swiss, and a coat of nail polish later and we are all in bed ready to face tomorrow, which will consist of a tour around town, hopefully some good coffee and a good time with my team.

Switzerland: Day 2

Today started with Abi and I being awake at 4:30 in the morning. Or 7:30pm California time. Finally I fell back asleep and then woke up confused at 10:45am.

After we all raced to get ready, we made our way down to the same house we had Raclette at (about a five minute walk) last night.

We had an amazing breakfast, at 12pm. Homemade Swiss bread and a bunch of other wonderful things, including more amazing cheese.

At 2pm Abi and I were crashing a bit on the couch waiting for us to start our staff meeting. Though we made it through, it was somewhat difficult when the couch was so comfortable.

Finally at 4:30 we were in a living room packed full of the Switzerland Lighthouse members.

The whole MLSSM team got a chance to share encouraging words and maybe even testimonies that we had that would be encouraging to them. Patti even got to welcome the new Lighthouse to the family with a lighthouse figurine.

I personally had a wonderful time hanging out with all of our Lighthouse family. I got to pray for a wonderful woman that I had never met before, and the whole night just felt like one of those family gatherings that you don't want to leave because you all just love hanging out with each other.

Our last night in Uster is going to be a little bittersweet.

I've had a wonderful time with the people we are staying with and the people who most generously provided us with our last three meals. But tomorrow we head to Zürich to stop at our next temporary home and I'm sure get to have even more amazing food.

Tonight was a whirlwind of being with a family that I had never met before, and it was wonderful feeling like I was a part of something. Something amazing.

Switzerland: Day 1

Today part of the MLSSM team landed in Zürich, Switzerland. Exhausted from our lack of sleep and turbulence tossed bodies, we made our way through customs and out into the fresh (though cigarette-smoke filled) air.

Navigating the trains and buses seemed the same as almost every other city, except for the fact that people were speaking Swiss-German everywhere we went and we passed by completely dumb-founded at the fact that people could know such a intricate language.

By the time we made it to our host home for the next two nights, we were begging for sleep, and were barely hungry at all. However, that did not stop us from walking to another amazing family's house and sitting down to a traditional Switzerland Raclette dinner.

As we talked over our cheese and potatoes and an amazing dipping sauce, that I refuse to leave the country without, I got to know a few people and learn how much alike humans really all are, even in different countries and cultures.

I sat at the end of a full table and found myself wishing that my future would be like this. Inviting amazing people into my home for amazing food and wonderful conversation.

Cute kids playing in the living room and a post dinner cup of tea truly made for a good winding down session.

Now I lay on my sleeping bag on the floor awaiting the last member of our team to join us from England.

Once we all have a good nights sleep and hopefully a full recovery from the pounds of cheese we just ate, nothing can stop us from taking on tomorrow, day two of our journey through Switzerland.

Love Changes Hearts

This morning I had the opportunity to join some new friends for coffee. I had a great, slow morning and then we showed up to the coffee shop and it was like my mood immediately dropped.

I have no idea if it was the people, or just me, but seconds after walking in I just felt off.

For the past couple of weeks there was a person that I kept encountering that I struggled with a lot. They got on my nerves and they always just seemed like too much for me to handle.

Because of this and a couple of specific experiences, I kind of wrote them off. I wasn't trying to be mean, it was just how it happened.

Something in me just couldn't find it in my heart to connect. Realizing now it had nothing to do with her, but more about me and my heart.

Today at the coffeeshop, she expressed frustrations and struggles that she was having in her life and asked if we could pray for her.

I decided that I would try to pray first, and for some reason in the middle of my prayer, I felt my heart shift and I felt my mood improve.

As I was praying I realized that this woman was completely and totally loved by God. I prayed that God would bless her, fully hoping and believing that he would.

It was like as I stepped out to love on and pray for her, God was changing my heart towards her and reminding me that he loves His children, and He loves His children to love His children.

As I made the decision to love her, my heart changed.

My Orphan Heart Has Found Its Home

Attending the Mammoth Lakes School of Supernatural Ministry has probably been the hardest step that I have ever had to take, but by far the best. Our current reading assignment is "Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship" by Jack Frost.

I hadn't started reading the book until this evening, and I'm somewhat glad that I didn't.

Last week, I got into an accident in the snow. My first time taking on icy roads obviously didn't turn out well. But my friend/fellow student and I were perfectly fine and no other cars were involved.

With that said, it's been a tough week.

I have had car troubles in the past, many times, and every single time it's felt like one of my limbs has been ripped off and I'm left grasping for what the heck I'm going to do.

This week has been difficult in the fact that I've started training in a new job, and I have school every day. It doesn't help that I can't necessarily walk because it's always freezing outside and there's snow everywhere.

Everyday since my car accident last Monday, I have needed to get a ride from someone. Whether it be my roommate, classmate, coworker, etc. But I have had one of the hardest times asking for help.

I grew up feeling somewhat alone a lot so I became kind of dependent on myself. You could probably ask anybody, but I'm just an independent person. I'm the one that likes to volunteer to drive and I never enjoy feeling stuck because I'm waiting on somebody else.

Just this morning I opened up to my boss about the whole situation and how I was chomping at the bit for my car to get fixed and I could drive myself again. I told her that I felt that God was working in my life even when it felt like nothing good could be happening right now. I have never really felt okay asking for help. I've always told myself that I didn't want to be a burden, and because of that I never asked, I try to stay out of the way and I don't draw attention to myself.

So because I have to keep depending on people and asking for rides and even asking for food from my roommates, I feel that insecurity rising up in me. I feel like at any second one of them is going to express annoyance at my not being able to take care of myself. As that insecurity came rising up, I felt God whispering to me "you are a blessing, not a burden."

I made this revelation this morning, and then I cracked open this book.

Jack Frost talks about how all of us are born with "orphan hearts" that reject parental authority and seek to do everything their own way. Sometimes we are raised and our parents unintentionally (sometimes not) hurt or reject us, and because of that we view God's love that way and don't want to see ourselves as His son or daughter.

If I didn't already associate with this, I did when I found this passage (bare with me):

When wanting to cast out an orphan heart, remember that you can displace it only by introducing it to a loving Father. Even then, an orphan heart must choose to embrace the spirit of sonship by willingly becoming interdependent in relationships and embracing God's community of love. This is not a once-and-for-all choice. You choose sonship over and over because orphan thinking doesn't surrender easily, and it often comes back and tries to assert its influence once again. The orphan spirit tries constantly to weaken our families, relationships, and the nations by deceiving us into becoming subject to our own mission rather than living life to experience God's love and to give it away.

We are called to live in interdependent relationships and embrace God's community of love.

I have lived my life independently because it seemed easier. It seemed that if I took care of myself and did my own thing I wouldn't get hurt. I never allowed myself to belong because it was too big of a risk.

"I am a blessing, not a burden."

Here I am, living in a house with another girl and three boys and I feel at home, for probably the first time in my life.

I have a family that doesn't see me as a burden, not that I felt my real family thought that, but this is the place where I finally believe that I'm not.

I am not a burden. I am not an orphan.

God's love has become so real to me in the past month, but even more so in the past ten minutes of reading this book.

I am a daughter of the king. I accept my spiritual "sonship" and I choose God's will instead of my own independent ways.

I was born with an orphan heart.

But now my orphan heart has found its home.

I Made It.

I remember the few months before I went off to college. They were a blur of worry, stress about money, and distance.

I remember praying daily that God would provide every cent for my school payments. I mean, he had called me to go to this school, so why shouldn't it be provided for.

My parents weren't in a good financial place to pay all of the payments that the school loans wouldn't cover.

But somehow. I made it.

I made it because my parents skimped.

I made it because my mom took old gold jewelry to a pawn shop and sold it for my tuition.

I made it because my pastors donated a hundred dollars a month to my account.

I made it because my aunt blessed me with almost four hundred dollars.

I made it because my school decided to give me a small scholarship here and there.

I made it because God provided for all of these people who in turn wanted to bless someone else.

I made it.

Now that I've made it through, I want to thank God and every person that had a hand in it.

I'm so thankful that people saw the potential in my heart, and what God wanted to do with my life, and they wanted to be a part of it.

I look back on all the times where I thought we wouldn't make a payment and then somehow it worked out.

I look back on all those people who blessed me, and I want to be someone who does the same.

I want to help someones dream come true.

I want to do whatever it takes so my kids can do what they love, and what makes them happy.

God has blessed me, and though I have little right now, I want to bless others.

Because others are why I made it.

There Is No End

I've always known that I'm terrible at communication. At least when said communication, is me communicating when things are not okay.

Equalling me confronting someone; a friend, an employee, a parent, etc.

I'm terrible at it because it usually needs to happen after a certain amount of time has passed and the same thing has continued to happen, continued to hurt.

If you know me at all you know that I will go as long as humanly possible taking hits, being teased, being hurt, being upset, well, basically letting people walk all over me, before I say anything.

It sucks because it's not just one person, it's multiple people, it's people that aren't even in my life anymore, it's people that are still very much in my life if not the closest people to me.

It's people that despite our friendship being as long as it is, don't actually know me as well as they should.

They don't understand how truly sensitive I am, or what I've actually been through. Because I haven't trusted enough people to speak it.

I've been cut very deep by the people closest to me and I think it makes it hard to let people in because I don't want them to get that close to end up hurting me. Especially when I see similar tendencies in them as I do in the person that did the initial hurting.

And despite all of the pain someone has caused me, intentional or not, it's still the hardest thing for me to bring it up and tell them what they have done. Like I don't want them to get upset that I'm bringing up what they did to hurt me. Or I don't want them to get defensive and then I stop presenting my side and start defending them instead so they can leave the conversation feeling better than I do.

It's not like I want to do it to hurt them either, I'm doing it so that they will understand and try not to do those things, or say those things. Then by the time I've gotten the courage to say something, I wonder, is it just me? Am I just too sensitive?

It doesn't matter.

People need to know when they are hurting you, and if they are good people, they will try to stop.

I know I'm mainly just saying all this for myself, because I need to be stronger that this.

I need to be stronger than I am.

I am weak. I am scared, and I am untrusting.

I need to be stronger and stand up for myself. If I don't like the way that I am being talked down to, I need to ask politely if they can stop treating me like I'm inferior, or talking to me like I'm stupid.

I am weak. So I can't.

I need to be courageous and believe that my life matters, my opinions matter, my feelings matter, and my need for respect matters.

I am not courageous.

I need to be trusting in my friends. I need to trust my parents. I need to trust coworkers. I need to trust people and believe that they care enough about me to let me speak my mind. I need to trust that one friendship will not fall to pieces if I open up and say that I don't like the way they've been treating me. That it won't fall apart if I tell them what's really happened to me.

I need to trust that people will still love me, despite my wounds, despite my fears, despite my darkness, and despite my past. Even now I need to trust that people I love will read this and not get upset, but understand that there are things I can't say.

But I don't trust.

And there is no end.

Sometimes It's Hard.

Sometimes it's hard to be home. I've gotten used to it mostly, but then something will happen and remind me why it was so hard before.

I've gotten used to the not being alone, and basically having no privacy.

I haven't gotten used to the manipulation, chaos, and emotion.

It's funny the things you don't notice when you aren't there.

I have to sit and watch these people take advantage of my family, of my parents.

It's killing me.

It's hard to choose family over family.

It's hard to walk in to my mom's room and find her crying.

It's hard to see the toll things are taking on her.

It's hard not being able to do anything about it.

It's hard.

The Moment When It All Comes Into Focus

Lately I've been searching for that moment of clarity. 

The moment that my whole life will somehow come into focus and I could make a choice on what my future would entail.

However, that moment never came. 

I just graduated from college and I have no clue what the hell I'm doing. 

I am running out of money, time and unfortunately motivation.

I've applied at so many jobs that it seems like I'm just going through the motions waiting for some company to throw me a bone. 

If there is one thing you should know about me, it's that I'm scared to put myself out there. 

I know I need to go to businesses and show them my face and my interest in their company.

But it scares me. I'm an introvert. I suck at small talk. And somehow I can make a simple encounter the most awkward occurrence you could ever be so blessed to take part in.

So. No job for me. Not yet anyways. 

After school I had decided to stick around town and try to make it work here. I had a place to stay for the summer and if I could get a job, God willing, I could save and move in with a bunch of other girls so we could afford one apartment. 

It's been about a month and a half. No such luck. 

I broke down on Saturday. I think it was needed. I never take break downs as a bad thing, if I did I would be beating myself up for having them almost every few weeks. 

You see, I've been trying to fit myself into this mold. This mold of having everything together, and having a good job right off the bat and knowing exactly what I want to be doing with my life. But that's not me. 

I recently read this article that stated something about figuring out your calling and how it sometimes takes time and preparation before you can actually get out there and do it. The article also said that sometimes people who don't know their calling jump on to other peoples. I can say from personal experience that this doesn't end very well. 

Every since I was a kid I would do this. I would jump on to other people's dreams, or plans. My friend wanted to play flute in band and I wanted to continue hanging out with her so what did I do? I picked up the flute. One of my best friends said she wanted to move to Portland after she graduated so we both went on a road trip to Portland to see how we liked it, I don't think it's for me. I know I'm not cut out for certain things, like backpacking, or being a missionary. 

I keep trying to push myself into these plans that weren't made for me, they were made for those other people I see thriving in them. 

The one thing that has always been all me is music. I have always written songs, and played guitar and sang. I have always wanted to be a rockstar. That's my dream. To go play low key shows and to sing my heart out. But I need to prepare. That's the thing. I need to prepare for it all. 

This week I found out my sister-in-law is pregnant again and I am going to be an auntie again. So much joy has been brought to me by just being an aunt and seeing my nephew grow taller and cuter (if that's even possible). Now that I know I can be a more permanent part of it that makes me happy. I can go home and be in my nephew's life and my whole family's life. I don't have to pick up and go back to school. My stay could be indefinite. 

I've told so many people that I was going to try and stick around, but I think I was just scared of going home and getting stuck. It's so easy to get stuck in Hollister. 

My parent's want me home. And I'm running out of reasons to not go back home. 

When I got the text telling me that my sister-in-law was pregnant again and the baby was healthy, that was the moment where everything shot into focus. I love my family. I love my family with all my being and I want to be there with them. 

I can do music anywhere. But my family is in Hollister. 

So maybe I go home. I go home and practice my music, and write more, and improve and PREPARE. Prepare for the day that I can finally go up on a stage and sing my heart out. Going home can maybe be my time of preparation. Maybe.