No More Fear

Sometimes I sit down to write about a certain topic, and I get halfway through what I want to say and realize that I don't want to finish it. Sometimes crushes just aren't that important, or poems aren't meant to be read by everyone. Whatever the case, I gave up my previous post about graduating to start this one and see where it goes. So here I am.

I love writing. I write about love. I write about the people that matter to me and unfortunately the people that hurt me. Luckily I'm not a famous blogger so I don't get crap for it like Taylor Swift does.

I have a couple of friends who read through my ramblings. (Thanks Jen) And I have a few more people that I don't actually know personally.

Either way, I'm happy that some people find entertainment from the words I put down.

I started my blog five years ago. Mainly to write about school, or the guys that I thought I was in love with. I've expanded to family and friends and identity. If there's one thing that I've learned through finding my true identity, it's that everyone should know what their true identity is.

So, I guess I'm just testing the waters. I'm kind of done being afraid. I've lived my life full of fear. Fear of trying things or sharing my heart, past, and passions with people. I've been so scared of being judged, or hurt, or made fun of. Maybe I've just been scared of failing. But I actually think that maybe I've been afraid of succeeding.

Sometimes in life, our enemies don't want us to succeed. Maybe sometimes we pick up on that and take that fear as our own.

I don't want to be afraid anymore.

I am in the process of writing a book. There it is. It's now out there for all you five to keep me accountable.

I am seven pages into a very rough telling of my life. Hard stories. Ridiculous stories. Me trying too hard to be funny or make readers laugh. Maybe me being too raw, or making light of things that are light to me now but weren't when they happened.

You see. When you know someone's past. The things that happened to them, and the things that they did in a moment of weakness. You can attest to God's goodness in who they are now. That is testimony.

Seeing where someone came from, and seeing them in present day thriving despite the past.

Hearing someone's stories about being held captive by darkness for so long, and not necessarily believing it because of who they are now.

So. I guess this is just the beginning.

Get ready?

What's The Worst That Could Happen?

"Why don't you trust me?" He asked calmly. 

"I don't know." She answered back timidly. "I think I'm just afraid of what could happen if I give myself to you completely." 

She thought of before, when she was in high school and tried to trust other guys. She thought back to that desperate moment where she decided it would be a good idea to date a guy because of the fact that he could like her. He didn't at the time, but she begged her best friend, to beg him, to ask her out. And he did, because he liked her, her meaning the best friend. She was always the girl who had the beautiful best friend. In middle school, in high school, and even up until her college years, it seemed as though everyone went for her best friends. She hated it inwardly, allowing for herself to become a little bitter, and sarcastic.

"What's the worst that could happen?" He interrupted her thoughts.

What's the worst that could happen? She thought to herself. Every time she trusted people they betrayed her. They broke her heart. She was always so desperate for love. So desperate that the one boy she begged to have date her ended up being, well, someone she didn't think he was. She broke up with him the next day because she, "couldn't lie to her mom." But deep down she knew it was because it was wrong. It was so wrong to beg for love. She knew she deserved more than some random guy she had only known since the day before and who blew a wine burp in her face earlier that morning. She was fourteen, and already she felt that her worth was dependent on if a guy liked her. 

"You know you mean the world to me right? That I would give anything just to show you that I love you." There he went again, interrupting her thoughts. But she felt the comfort with him. When he spoke she felt the words flow into her ears and down around her heart. Why couldn't it always be like this? 

"I think I'm starting to realize just how much." She said as she sat down on the floor at the foot of her unmade bed, letting it sink in. She let the words he spoke reach in and grasp her heart so tightly. This is all i've ever wanted right? Love? Then why does it feel so different than the other times i've tried? All her thoughts were swarming around in her head making it hard to fully cling to her decision. But she thought, maybe, just maybe, if he would come over and lay his hand on her back, she would feel the real comfort. If he did that, then she would know that this was really real, and he was really there. 

"Just let me know. Let me know you're real" Desperate for the confirmation that she needed to finally let him in to her heart, into her life. In that moment, she felt the warmth of a hand on her upper back. The touch of reassurance that she needed to know that he was real, that he really truly loved her, that he was there. She turned to see her empty room with the door closed. 

As she smiled to herself with complete confidence that what had just happened wasn't made up, she sat there as tears started running down her face. "Okay God, you can have my heart. You can have it all."