Girl In The Meadow

Awhile back I changed the name of my blog from "A Doubting Girl" to "Girl In the Meadow." I'm not sure if many people noticed this, or even really cared, but it happened. And here's why.

For most of my life, I doubted myself. In almost every single thing that I did. This is why I called my first real blog "A Doubting Girl" because it was the truth, and partially because it seemed dramatic and a little edgy.

I started my blog at a time in my life where I was still figuring out who I was, and now that I know who I am, I want my blog name to reflect that.

Now I could have gone with Daughter something or other, because that is how I walk out my life now (Daughter of God), but I didn't. Instead, I looked back on a picture that God showed me of myself as a little girl standing in a field with arms stretched wide and flowers in my hand. A picture of me coming to God as a child with childlike faith and just embracing the beauty of where I was at. This is where I want to always stay. Just standing in awe of God with the faith to keep walking out life as His daughter.

So. Girl in The Meadow.

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about being believed in. In that post I shared that I have started making stencils and using spray paint to make awesome pieces of wall art. Whether it be with canvas or burlap, I have so much fun making them. So I decided to start my own Etsy shop to hopefully sell them on. I just put up two different items that I just made and I'm super stoked. It's a very small step to get where I want to be, but I'm hoping that this will take off. My Etsy shop is called GirlintheMeadow.

If you feel like you want to take a gander, my link is below. I've also attached a few pictures to give you a feel for what I do. If you want something custom you can also send me a message on here or email michellewheelus@gmail.com and I can give you a quote for a custom design and a time frame. Thanks!

My Etsy Shop

No More Fear

Sometimes I sit down to write about a certain topic, and I get halfway through what I want to say and realize that I don't want to finish it. Sometimes crushes just aren't that important, or poems aren't meant to be read by everyone. Whatever the case, I gave up my previous post about graduating to start this one and see where it goes. So here I am.

I love writing. I write about love. I write about the people that matter to me and unfortunately the people that hurt me. Luckily I'm not a famous blogger so I don't get crap for it like Taylor Swift does.

I have a couple of friends who read through my ramblings. (Thanks Jen) And I have a few more people that I don't actually know personally.

Either way, I'm happy that some people find entertainment from the words I put down.

I started my blog five years ago. Mainly to write about school, or the guys that I thought I was in love with. I've expanded to family and friends and identity. If there's one thing that I've learned through finding my true identity, it's that everyone should know what their true identity is.

So, I guess I'm just testing the waters. I'm kind of done being afraid. I've lived my life full of fear. Fear of trying things or sharing my heart, past, and passions with people. I've been so scared of being judged, or hurt, or made fun of. Maybe I've just been scared of failing. But I actually think that maybe I've been afraid of succeeding.

Sometimes in life, our enemies don't want us to succeed. Maybe sometimes we pick up on that and take that fear as our own.

I don't want to be afraid anymore.

I am in the process of writing a book. There it is. It's now out there for all you five to keep me accountable.

I am seven pages into a very rough telling of my life. Hard stories. Ridiculous stories. Me trying too hard to be funny or make readers laugh. Maybe me being too raw, or making light of things that are light to me now but weren't when they happened.

You see. When you know someone's past. The things that happened to them, and the things that they did in a moment of weakness. You can attest to God's goodness in who they are now. That is testimony.

Seeing where someone came from, and seeing them in present day thriving despite the past.

Hearing someone's stories about being held captive by darkness for so long, and not necessarily believing it because of who they are now.

So. I guess this is just the beginning.

Get ready?

Get The Hell Out

Recently a lot of stuff has been happening. By recently I mean, basically this whole fall into winter.

This past fall season, I took on more responsibilities at The Station.

Two new employees moved into the staff house and both were coincidentally in first year at the school of ministry.

Things seemed to be going good. Not too many hiccups.

Then Christmas break came. And all hell broke loose.

It seemed as though both of these people began making choices that didn't reflect a Godly lifestyle. 

If you know me at all, you know that I am not a very vocal person when it comes to my opinion or when I disagree with someone.

So all I did was sit back, and listen, and watch them break the camp rules.

I listened to the struggles. I listened to them both tell me that they didn't really get why there were such rules, and how they wanted to keep living in those lifestyles. Because they chose to keep living in those lifestyles, they ended up getting asked to leave The Station.

Eventually, the school of ministry pulled the plug on first year for them.

As all this is going on, I feel like I'm barely holding on to my sanity. Two people, that yes were making bad decisions, but I still shared life with were getting kicked out, or having the floor fall out from underneath them because the school was everything to them.

So I listened more. Still listening even though I had crap of my own that I was dealing with.

I got a dog. Wasn't ready. Took it back. Tried not to fall apart. Was pretty okay. Turned 25. Had a good day. Endured the worst winter I've ever imagined. Became one of the only employees at the camp besides the director. Wanted to quit my other job. Didn't quit my other job. Still want to quit my other job. Trying to find traction in my relationship with God. Hoping that I'm being stable enough for people to count on. Got sick. Fell apart on my boss. Had a mini breakdown. Hoped that it would go away on it's own. Feeling the weight of everything build up until I couldn't take it anymore. I needed help. Prayed that God would restore my joy. God restored my joy. Someone asked me what was wrong. Started feeling like something was actually wrong when I thought I was fine.

So much has been going on in my life, and I'm still trying to find out how to process it all.

I think that there are so many lies that I keep letting into my heart, and then I keep believing them.

So here is goes. I'm going to speak truth.

It was not my fault. I did not make them make those choices.

I am strong enough to hold down the fort, despite everyone else around me falling apart and making stupid decisions.

I am stable. You can be stable and still sometimes need to cry. It's totally normal and a part of life.

I am steadfast. I can be trusted. I can be there for people. I can be counted on.

I am beautiful. I am wanted. I am home for people. I have a mothers heart. I am a daughter of the king. I am a warrior.

So here's what I say to all the lies.

The doubts. The anxiety. The depression. The fear. The second guessing myself. The little tiny things that sneak into my mind and make me feel like I'm not good enough just as I am.

Get the hell out.

Welcome Back to Freedom

So, it's been a while. For those of you that read my ramblings.

It's November 12, and I've been in school for about a month and a week.

This year has been completely different than last year.

Where first year at MLSSM is based on identity and our foundation, second year is based on leadership and growing us in that area.

So this year so far, has been me being thrown into leadership in different places of my life.

However, as interesting as that all is, it's not what I want to talk about.

I want to talk about the struggle.

The struggle that I've faced with holding onto my identity and my joy.

Brace yourself for the seemingly endless rambling.

These past couple of weeks have felt very off. I had felt very off.

I was easily irritated, I actually at one point was so peeved that I felt like I was going to explode on someone.

Through all of this I did manage to somewhat hang on to my sanity. I didn't tear anyones head off.

I didn't know what it was, but something was wrong. Everyone else could tell because people kept asking me if I was okay.

I kept saying yes, and that I was only tired, but no. I was not okay.

On Thursday we do worship time in The Station office before we work. And my boss Rachel prayed and asked us all if we had any prayer requests. I took this opportunity to open up with people and be vulnerable.

I wasn't okay. I felt like somewhere along the way I had agreed with something and let it back into my life and it was drastically affecting me. I was full of negativity and I didn't know why. So I shared this with the team.

After I shared, Rachel told me that she had seen the shift in me a couple of weeks before. It wasn't until that moment and her saying that, that it clicked. I knew what I had done.

I don't know how far back I shared this with all of you, but in high school and college I struggled a lot with lust. But more specifically I struggled with acting on lust. Now I've never had a boyfriend, or any relations with men, so people automatically assume that I don't struggle with anything like that. Actually people often think I don't struggle with anything and that I'm perfect. Another impossible pressure on my life. I will never be perfect.

Anyways. A couple weeks ago I slipped up. I slipped up and then immediately after I repented from what I had done. I apologized for willingly allowing lust to come between me and my Father. However, even though I repented, the shame stayed.

I had invited shame back into my life and it was tearing my heart apart. It made me self-conscious. It made me angry at myself and then I was easily angered by others. The self-hatred snuck back in. I felt my body changing. I was breaking out like crazy and I felt awful and worst of all, my joy wasn't there. The thing that I fought so hard to get back, somehow slipped from my grasp.

As the team began to pray, I began praying in my spiritual language. My Swiss roommate struggled with sharing her testimony as I did, and so I prayed for both of us, that we would receive freedom to share our testimonies that would bring others freedom.

Rachel prayed freedom over me, freedom from fear. The joy was prayed back into my life. Once we were done praying and I had cried a whole buckets worth of tears, I felt it. My joyful spirit was back.

Normally after you cry you still have that sorrowful feeling of what you were crying about. But this, it just seemed the more I cried, the more freedom I received back. The more freedom I claimed back. I noticed, the rest of Thursday that I felt lighter. I felt freer. I felt joyful. When I looked in the mirror that day, I felt beautiful again. I felt like I could look at myself and honestly say that I loved who I was.

Yesterday I spent a good three hours talking with a friend about my dreams and what I believe God is doing in my life. I was talking into God's destiny for me. I came home and realized that my skin was clearing up. It had been one day. One day of freedom and my whole life seemed turned around, back on the right path.

I have passion for my future again. I have passion to help people again and love people again. If this is my welcome back to freedom, I'm never going to take it for granted again. I'm never going back.

Switzerland: Day 12

Today. The last day of our trip before we travel home. We got to attend Lighthouse in Laax and our MLSSM team prophesied over the whole group.

Every single person left with a word. And I personally left feeling encouraged by giving words.

We end tonight, a bit tired and still processing our whole trip.

Tomorrow will hold a bus ride, a long train ride, another train ride, and then we make our way home on Swiss airlines.

I can't believe that for my first time off the continent I got to go I Switzerland.

I still feel so amazingly blessed, and even though I'm very homesick and excited to make my way back, I'll have memories here that I won't forget.

I won't ever forget my wonderful team: Amanda, Abi, Forrest, Patti, Jamie, Natalie & little Hudson.