Good For You, Bad For You, and Not Good Enough For You....

Over the past couple of months, I have had a couple realizations. As crushes come and go, and even almost more than crushes, I have seen how I've reacted to three different types of people.

The one who is good for you.

This guy and you, well, you clicked. It wasn't some thing where you were both in some tragic event together, or have some haunted history. This could probably be seen as the one that's your best friend. You have the same interests, and you can really talk.

This person is the one that drives you crazy in a good way. The one who gets you, and who encourages you, and even puts you before themselves. They truly care.

Then you have the one who is bad for you.

This guy may be a bit of a narcissist. Completely lost in his life, and his goals, and his image. You could be totally lost in his eyes for sure, but there really isn't much staring back at you but hope for some form of validation.

This guy is the one that you sort of just stumbled upon. You didn't really mean to have a thing for him, but here you are hoping that you didn't make it awkward by grabbing his hand in the car, and just wishing that he would give you some form of affection that encouraged your feelings that they weren't in it alone.

Then you have the one who is not good enough for you.

This one may be harder to catch. It can be a mixture of the two listed above. It could be some great friendship, and some unspoken attraction, but deep down there really isn't the thing that you need. The thing that you dreamed about for so long. The pursuit. The chasing. Him fighting to be the one that you choose.

He just isn't that guy. He's either too caught up in his own fear of being rejected, or just doesn't understand your value and the fact that he should be so lucky as to steal your attention for just a minute, let alone your whole life.

Every since my teenage years, I had this idealistic view of boyfriends, and husbands, and  guys that would be the ones to pursue and make their feelings known.

As a woman about to turn 25 years old. I have yet to encounter this mystical creature I shall call "the one."

I have yet to meet a guy who has that thing about him. The one who has the fight. The one who isn't scared. The one who isn't too caught up in himself and thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread. And if you know me, that would be some major feat because I love bread.

Today I realized that the person who is in front of me now, isn't good enough for me. He's a little bit bad for me. You see, I am 24 years old, and I'm waiting around for this child of a man to grow up. No no. This is not how it should be.

Somehow, the three guys mentioned above are all one in the same. Sure three different people, but coincidentally, they seep into each category. You see, on paper they can all be separated, but when you add the feelings and the beliefs, it gets tricky.

You see the one who is good for me, really isn't because we have different beliefs that would tear us apart later in life anyways, so really he would be bad for me, and in the end because of our beliefs, it just wouldn't be good enough anymore.

The second guy, is bad for me, but somehow he makes me feel good about myself. He makes me feel comfortable and he makes me laugh, and when he's not talking about himself he's a legitimately deep person, and a deeply caring person.

And the last guy, the one that I could have seen so much of the world with. We could have talked about anything, and our dreams could have aligned. In the end, he didn't have the fight, he was afraid. He was caught up. And he made me feel as though I wasn't good enough. And in turn, he was placed in the last category.

So, as I enter my twenty-fifth year of life, I vow to wait. I vow to whole heartedly be patient with my forever. Because it is forever. Why would I settle for someone who is good for me, bad for me, and not good enough for me?

When I can wait for the one who is perfect for me...

Forever Best Friend

It's getting to that point in my life where it's more evident that certain friendships wont last. 

I'm almost at the very end of my college career and after graduation everyone will disperse. 

I know people moving to different cities and states, doing the things they were born to do!

It's so exciting to see everyone following their dreams. 

I always end up stopping to think about myself in these times, I think of myself a lot actually. I'm an extremely selfish self absorbed person but I don't think people notice much because I'm not verbal about it. 

But anyways, I think about my dreams, and my life here at this wonderful college that has contributed to a significant amount of growth for me. 

I think of all the friendships that will probably fade away, and I think to the hopes that I have always had, the hopes that I would find someone here to be a forever best friend. 

I always wanted to meet someone, you know? The one. The one person I want to be with above all else. The one person who makes me feel safe, or reassured. The one person who can send me one small text saying "good morning" and immediately my day would be made. The person who would let me use their jacket and then "forget" to get it back from me. 

I wanted to meet someone who would be with me forever. The friendship that never truly ends. 

I wanted to meet someone that I never got tired of spending time with. I wanted to meet someone who makes me laugh until it literally feels as though I should have a six pack. I wanted someone who would go on drives with me and tease me and let me tease him right back. 

I'm an idealist. What can I say? 

I wanted to meet the man of my dreams. The man who was somewhat innocent and sweet and there for me. 

My time here was spent pining over guys that were never going to like me. I told God I wouldn't date my first year here because I wanted to be sure that finding a man wasn't the reason I chose to come to this school. Now i'm not so sure it wasn't the reason. My whole life I have wanted that person, why would it ever change, especially in college when everyone is around the same age and all trying to figure themselves out. Knowing that it would have happened in whatever school I chose is a little bit comforting though. 

But I got here and no joke, a month later I started talking to someone. He seemed like a really cool guy and like he loved Jesus. We ended up having a DTR that took place at the most popular DTR spot, the "foursquares." I told him I liked him and then asked if he liked me and he said yes. But because I wasn't dating anyone for a year that was it. We hung out all the time still, walking the lines of friendship and dating. He would text me good morning, and he let me use his jacket and I left it next to my pillow and it smelled like him. I let him drive my truck, which that itself was me being vulnerable. I would grab at the rubber band on his wrist to snap it because I knew he would grab my hand and try to make me stop. Then we would sit there for a few seconds and let go. It was in those little moments where I could feel the butterflies the most. I realized a few weeks in to whatever the hell that was, that he wasn't the person I thought he was. I told him that I only liked him as a friend and the same day he told me he was dropping out and going home. A few weeks later I saw him change his religion on Facebook to Atheist. Dodged a bullet? Yeah I think so. 

But you see, that was the only thing I ever had that was close to a relationship, or close to what I wanted. 

Don't get me wrong, I have friends. I have wonderful friends who are beautiful and kind and hilarious. They are there for me and I try my hardest to be there for them too. But once your friends get their "someones" and decide that they want to make those "someones" their forever best friends, there isn't much room left for you. You get to attend the parties and toast to a wonderful couple and then you send them off saying goodbye to a little bit of that friendship you will never get back. And that's life. 

I wanted to find my forever best friend here. The one person who I could be completely honest to. The one person who would call me out when I need it, or comfort me when I need it. The person who would love me for me and think that i'm hilarious even when my jokes or stories fall short of even a pity laugh. The person would be sweet enough to want to pay for the tickets even though I asked. The person who would truly understand me. 

I think all I've ever wanted was for someone to understand me. To see me for who I am. I want someone to look at my expression and know what it means. I want someone to ask me if i'm okay and it not piss me off. Only one person has ever succeeded at this. 

I wanted the person who would think of me as more than just someone they saw around campus. More than just the girl who would say hi in passing. I wanted that friendship, with the jokes, and the laughter, and the slowly falling for one another. You know the slowly, but then all at once stuff. I wanted to build a friendship and then it turn into more. I wanted something that would last longer than the four years of college. I wanted something that wouldn't disappear the second we walk across the stage and flip our tassels. 

I wanted my forever best friend. But wanting something so bad it hurts still doesn't make it show up any faster than it's perfect timing. 

I wanted my forever best friend. I will always want my forever best friend. That longing will never go away. I am convinced that the anticipation is killing me. But it will never diminish the joy I will feel when I can look at the people I love on that day, the day I make my best friend my forever best friend, and tell them that he was worth the waiting.