You Complete Me

What if there isn’t anyone for me? 

I think about this question sometimes. 

I’m not restless about finding someone to date and marry (anymore), but I would admit that it’s something that’s on my mind. 

Sometimes I think that growing up in the church put my focus more on my “future husband” than on my own future. I know that’s a strong statement. I’m not saying it’s every church, but sometimes I think the church puts a heavy emphasis on people finding mates.

To be honest, I can’t remember a time where I wasn’t thinking about who my “future husband” could be. 

It’s as if this became the most important thing to me. Finding him. 

At some point I think I stopped having my own dreams and just started only thinking about what my future would be like when I meet the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. 

I wanted to be a rockstar. A writer. A painter. 

I wanted to be Avril Lavigne. 

I wanted to be a spy. 

When I was a child, I didn’t dream about being someone’s wife. 

I dreamt about having a horse and hacking into the mainframe. 

I mean maybe I dreamt about having my own Sk8er Boi.

My identity became completely wrapped up in finding someone. In changing who I was to be what someone liked. I lost myself to try and find someone else. 

I’m twenty-seven years old now, and I finally feel like I know what my identity is. It’s not lost in a sea of things that I pretended to like or dislike. Or in my choice to wear makeup or not. Or if I end up with someone or not.

It’s lost in a God that loves me the way He made me. Who says I don’t have to change to be loved by Him. 

It’s crazy how far any of us could be from the truth, and yet God still loves us anyways. 

So now when I think about that question, “what if there isn’t anyone for me?”

I can immediately dismiss it. Because honestly who cares? 

As long as God is for me and I am for me, does it really matter? 

Of course God said it’s not good for man to be alone, but He made us for Him. Other’s aren’t made to complete us. That’s His job.

Made For More

When I was a junior in college I got my first tattoo. Now, for those of you who don't like tattoos I can understand that this may not affect you.

But for those of you who do have tattoos, do you remember dreaming up things that you wanted to get before you got any? Trying to find the perfect tattoos, or maybe ones with a lot of meaning. Or maybe you just got them because they looked cool. All good reasons.

For me, tattoos have mostly always been about the meaning behind them.

So when I was a junior in college, I made the leap.

I was struggling a lot with my health and wanting to be more healthy and workout and a friend of mine had this book called Made To Crave.

I only remember reading the first chapter before I found it. The author was talking about how we were "made for more." No I don't remember the context. But I remember how I felt.

I felt as though "made for more" was the most encouraging butt kicking statement that I had come across. Ever. Just the fact that God has made us for more.

I had spent years dreaming up all these tattoos and never doing it and then I read that line and two weeks later I got "made for more" tattooed on my foot.

My friend liked the concept so much that she eventually got it tattooed on her as well. Then that summer I did my internship in Massachusetts and the pastor's wife there saw mine and ended up getting it tattooed on her foot.

My first tattoo, would follow me wherever I went. Literally and figuratively.

Every time I was struggling or felt stuck, I would simple recite my tattoo. "I was made for more"

It started out as the start of a health journey but turned into my life long motto. I got it six years ago and I feel like in every season of my life I find new meaning in it.

A new way to relate it to something I'm going through.

A new way to see that God has made me for great things. God has made me for more than I could ever have imagined. His dreams are bigger than mine. His thoughts are bigger than mine.

But when it really comes down to it, I was made for him.

I was made for more than this world. I was made for the king.

I follow this woman named Rachel Hollis on social media, and I'm in the middle of her book "Girl Wash Your Face"

The other day she made a post about a conference or some kind of meeting with the hashtag #madeformore

Stunned I clicked on it and there are about 150k posts with that tag.

My tattoo was a movement and until this week I had no idea.

And I am so glad.

This is definitely something that people need to realize about themselves.

Each and every one of us were made for more than anything we could ever possibly imagine. God made us for great things.

So be encouraged.

When you are going through it. When you struggle or when you feel stuck. There is always more.

Know that God wants the best for us and if we let Him, He will get us there.

He will get us to the more.

Not an End

I'll just start by saying these past two and a half years have been my favorite season of my life. I have grown and matured more than I could have ever imagined and I got to meet amazing people along the way. Then enters this thing called transition.

Not a fan.

Transition is just a fancy way of saying things are changing and you either get with it or you put it off but eventually have to give in anyways because it has to happen.

It's not something you can stop. A lot of the time it's not something you even see coming.

You can be living life, loving it and not wanting anything to change, and then here comes transition lurking around the corner ready to slap you upside your head, or rip the rug out from underneath you.

Sometimes, however, you know when it's coming.

Sometimes you get to see it all unfold in front of you and you get time to process.

I'm not sure if this is better or not.

Being jolted into something new is sometimes better because otherwise you probably wouldn't have chosen to do it. That's how I ended up here in the first place.

Seeing the moment of transition coming and not wanting it to happen and not being able to stop it is hard.

That's how this has been.

Two years ago someone bought the permit to the land The Station is currently located on. We've had two years to process the fact that when our lease is up at the end of this month we will be moving.

We just had our last camp on the property.

So on the last morning, I got up early and went into the lodge to pray and worship. I sat at the back and stared at all of the chairs that sat there waiting to be occupied for breakfast.

And I thought about all of the campers that have come through our doors. And then I began to thank God for all the campers who have come through our doors.

I started thanking him for my life being impacted by this small little camp with the biggest vision. I thanked him for the friends I have made and the family I have become a part of. I somehow in a matter of minutes turned my mindset from "this is the end" to "this is just the beginning."

And honestly, it's the truth.

Transitions don't necessarily mean it's an end. Sometimes things end, but for this it's just the property.

The dream hasn't died. The vision is still there. It's just the beginning of what God wants to do with The Station.

So as I sat, finally accepting this transition.

The only word I could think of was thankful.

Thankful for this place and what it means to me.

And thankful for the more to come.

The List

I think most people can relate to the fact that I have a list. Not just any list.

THE list.

You know. The one that is filled with the desired traits/interests/dreams/appearance of the man that I some day want to be with. That list.

For as long as I can remember I have had a very specific list. To spare you I won't write down everything. But it was just a lot of appearances, and likes, and dreams, and so on and so forth.

Let me start by saying that I'm not here to hate on the list.

Everyone has a type.

Whether it's a look, or a personality trait, there is always something there in someone that immediately attracts you to them.

For me it's always been if someone is kind. Which surprisingly enough hasn't been too many people.

Of course we are all drawn to different people for different reasons and that is totally fine. God created each of us differently and with that comes different preferences and attractions.

Honestly, I think that having a list is fine. Depending on what is on it.

For me, my list became so specific that honestly, I don't even think any man could have ever checked off every item, not even Jesus himself.

Today I was talking to my friend about this guy that I have a crush on. Immediately I started listing off all these things that were on my list that he didn't have or do. And it hit me that maybe he doesn't have to have or do those things.

I think that I got so caught up in what my human mind would want, that I failed to even ask God what he thinks would be good for me.

I have this huge list of things that I want in a potential guy, and honestly if I met a man with all those things but he wasn't the right person it still wouldn't work. Just because we want something it doesn't mean it's good for us.

This is not me saying that we need to lower our standards and take things off our list.

It's simply just me saying that I think we need to take a minute and ask God what he sees for us.

God created us and he knows us, he knows the desires of our hearts. I think taking a look at the list with a God perspective and choosing what the actual important items are, the deal breakers if you will, is what we need to be doing.

Think about it this way.

God could have this amazing man out there for you. He's kind and sweet and makes you laugh and actually treats you like a human, and you don't want to give him the time of day because he isn't tall enough. Or he doesn't look like your type normally looks. Or he isn't a musician. Or he isn't....blah blah blah.

You could totally miss out on the right guy for you because you're too focused on a fictional character that you've made up in your mind that doesn't really exist.

Are you going to let yourself miss out? Or are you going to decide what's important and then go for it?

This is why I'm single...

When I went home for Thanksgiving last month, I had an amazing time being with family and I even got to meet a few new members of it. The one tiny detail about me being the last single person in my family is not lost on me. It's basically my uncle and me and then everyone else with kids.

As the night went on, I underwent all the "are you dating anyone?" questions, and of course informed everyone that, no, I was not dating anyone, but would send out a group message once I was.

This of course isn't that big of a deal to me.

But then, later after dinner we all sat and watched the little ones play.

Everything went a little chaotic for a second with the kids and my uncle looked at me and made a comment about us choosing the right way. Or simple way. Or basically the way that prevented us both from sitting there with crazy kids to take care of.

Without missing a beat I said "You say it as if I had a choice."

It wasn't until this moment where it was like, oh wow. So that's how I really feel.

I've been living my life "single" and doing what I feel God is leading me to do, but deep down as I watch everyone else around me find love, get married and make babies it just makes me wonder, when is it my turn?

I'm not upset about it. But I do wonder.

So I may or may not have bought the book "Loveology" by John Mark Comer.

If I have all this time as a single person, I'm sure as heck going to prepare myself for what's to come.

So I'm reading through this book, and in the back of my head I just hear the whining "why am I single?" You know. Like one of those thoughts you don't give yourself permission to think.

Page after page, of wonderful insight by the way, and I found it.

"The point of marriage isn't to find our missing half. It's to help each other become all that God intended. Our future, real selves. In marriage, two people partner to that end. They see the best in each other -- the person God created them to be -- and they push and pull each other toward that goal.

Don't get married because you think he or she is "the one." Trust me, they're not. There's no such thing! But do get married when you see who God is making somebody to be, and it lights you up. When you want to be a part of that story of transformation. That journey to the future. When you are well aware it will be a long and bumpy ride, but you don't want to miss one mile. Because you believe in God's calling on them, and you want in."

Okay. I'm not going to lie to you. I definitely started crying when I read this.

It was this moment of clarity.

Then suddenly all the crushes, almost boyfriends, and people that I gave a second glance to came rushing through my mind. There was a reason I never allowed myself to let anything become more than it was. It's not that there was a lack of opportunity, but there was a lack of future.

It honestly put my mind at ease when I realized that I had finally found the reason why I didn't have anyone. But it was also the reason why I didn't want anyone.

I have not felt this way about anyone that has ever crossed my path.

You know you have crushes and sometimes you have opportunities to speak up and say something, but you don't. Somewhere deep down inside you know this is just a crush, and it wouldn't actually go anywhere. I like them, but the future I see for them is not a future that I want.

Sometimes I think when we're single we start thinking about all the things that could be wrong with who we are. The reasons why people don't pursue us. We start doubting ourselves and believing lies about who we are only because guys aren't dropping at our feet telling us how amazing we are.

Maybe it's just the same for them? They think you're great, but you are not someone they want their future with. It doesn't have to be made into some self-hating thing. (I am mostly speaking to myself here.)

So someone doesn't want to waste your time! Why are you complaining?

I would most definitely rather not have guys pursue me for the sake of pursuing.

If I have to wait in complete silence from men, for the one person who sees my heart and where my future leads and wants in, then it was worth it.

So until that happens. This is why I'm single...

Living as though I have a million dollars.

Last year at some point, the camps bookkeeper and I decided that we wanted to buy lottery tickets. One day we were just sitting in the office dreaming up all the things the camp could do if it had the money.

A new lodge building. State of the art kitchen. Real staff housing (which I took a little offense to since I love the Staffhouse). So much more.

We both dreamed of what each of us would do if we had the money. A lot of my things were just normal things, with me being out of debt from my student loans.

So we went out and bought some. We didn't win anything. Obviously.

Then after we stopped talking about it I just let the idea die. And I let some of the dreams die too. Even the ridiculous ones that seemed too far-fetched even if I was rich.

It's been a year and our bookkeeper brought it up that she was going to go buy more tickets. And it put the idea in my head again.

So I went on my own and bought more tickets.

Last night I sat in my room dreaming again. What would I do if I had a million dollars?

And again, I realized that not much was different. The dreams were the same.

I wanted to do music, and be a part of a studio or something along those lines. And a couple of other things. But the main point being I don't actually need a million dollars to do them.

The million dollars is incentive. It's the safety net.

The idea that I can go off and take risks and do whatever I want because at least I'll be taken care of if things don't turn out how I thought.

But why would I wait if it's something I really want to do?

No one is going to drop a million dollars in your lap. For the longest time I thought of the things I would do with a million dollars, but realized I'd actually have to go out and buy a ticket to even get a shot at it.

I  realized that I don't take enough risks. I'm scared of being uncomfortable, and to actually work for something I want. Because I'm scared if it doesn't work out that I'll be running home to my parents house with my tail between my legs.

I'm scared of failure. And this is because of a lack of confidence in myself, and a lack of trust in my God.

Everything about this coming season is up in the air. The camp's lease is up in May and I'm not sure what I'm going to be doing. Where I'm going to live. If I even want to stay in Mammoth if The Station isn't here. It's been a lot to process.

It's been a lot to be overwhelmed about, I should say. And I've let myself get overwhelmed. Because I haven't been trusting God that he's going to take care of me.

I've been walking around only making choices that I know I can control. Which I think is why I ended up in Mammoth in the first place. I wasn't planning on moving here.

I had quit my job to take a position at the camp I grew up at and came to Mammoth to visit a friend. But I think deep down that God knew I would never just up and quit my job to move somewhere I had never been before. I always needed that safety net made by me.

So here I am now. Stuck in this place of wanting to stay but wanting to start the next chapter of my life. Wanting to be around all my close friends, and also wanting new scenery.

Last week I sent out an email out to a woman who works at Bethel. I told her about how much I loved the Bethel Music studio and how I really wanted to work there. And basically just reached out saying I will take anything you have to give me.

I started the email to her never expecting a reply.

Now in a week I will be having a phone interview with her to talk about possible internships. And I have no idea what to do or what to say.

I mean, I'm still kind of committed at the camp. Two of my friends are moving in next week and we have winter camps booked and I'm supposed to be the cook.

But I stopped today and took a second to think about it. I thought about what I really wanted and not what I was just willing to do to avoid causing others any problems.

And I asked myself, "What would I do if I had a million dollars?"

I saw myself going.

Choosing to go and choosing to trust that God will take care of the rest. Because he always has.

It's funny how sometimes it takes forever to truly realize what already have.

And I already have my safety net. Because God will always be there to catch me.

In a way. I've always had my million dollars.

Living for the Future

Have you ever gotten so caught up in plans, and ideas for your future that it just completely consumes everything you are? Lately, I've been so focused on what will be that I don't take a second to look at what is.

Last night our team got some pretty upsetting news. That we most likely will not be here next summer.

Now I believe that God does miracles and I'm all for seeing The Station being one, but I can't not make plans for my future.

Where will I live? What mediocre job will I take to replace the awesome one I have now? How can I still be a part of something bigger that matters?

So many questions swirling around in my brain. So many thoughts.

Thoughts like how much I hate job hunting, and how there really aren't affordable places to rent in Mammoth and I definitely lucked out with what I have.

These questions seem so overwhelming. But in the midst of the chaos in my brain, I took a second to stop and look around.

I somehow halted the perforating thoughts for long enough to breathe and be thankful for the now.

Gazing around our crowded lodge at all the campers and staff, I had this moment. I was grateful.

I was so happy that all these people are here and that I get to be a part of this.

This place was once my bosses dream, and for the past nine years she has been walking it out. She has fought and trudged through way worse things than just being snowed into the staffhouse.

Not only has she chosen to not give up, but she chooses each day to believe that there is something new God wants to show her.

So as I try to slow my mind and tell it the future will come and have worries of its own, I must also look to my King as He tells me "be still and know that I am God."

Know that He has everything covered.

Know that my wildest dreams don't even come close to the plans that He has for me.

And know that as I walk, stumble, fall, freak out, and hope to God my future isn't as hard as it's seeming to be, that He will always love me just as I am.

Here's to living for the future while being completely consumed by the now, and trusting that God will tell me when one becomes the other.

The Replacements

Yesterday the replacement moved in. Harsh sure, but it's how I've been feeling.

Ironically enough, the replaced was once the replacer as well.

I had this realization today that sometimes you just have those people that aren't permanent.

Sometimes we go through life and someone comes along and it's fleeting, but it's wonderful.

They make you laugh, and they become the person you want to be around as often as possible. This can go both ways. It can be platonic, and it could also be a case for the hopeful romantics.

For me it's usually the latter.

Usually I meet someone, and I get to know them and for a good few weeks it feels like it may be developing into something more. Something that could last.

Being that I live in a seasonal town, and up until now a seasonal mindset, it never lasts.

People leave, people drift away, and people break your heart.

You go through a time where you wonder why? Why did I get so close to this person that I knew would leave, or I knew it wouldn't work, or I knew wasn't the right person.

I've also been in the place where I ask God why. Why was I allowed to fall in love with these humans. Why did God put such amazing people in my path that were just going to end up leaving.

I still don't have an answer, but I know that eventually it gets better. Eventually the pain of someone gone goes away, and then the space in your life is filled with someone new. Sometimes if you're lucky, they worm their way into your heart.

Yesterday the replacement moved in.

I've heard great things.

I've heard and seen that he's cute.

I've heard he is super sweet.

And I know that this isn't his fault. But i'm upset.

He's here instead of  you.

Good For You, Bad For You, and Not Good Enough For You....

Over the past couple of months, I have had a couple realizations. As crushes come and go, and even almost more than crushes, I have seen how I've reacted to three different types of people.

The one who is good for you.

This guy and you, well, you clicked. It wasn't some thing where you were both in some tragic event together, or have some haunted history. This could probably be seen as the one that's your best friend. You have the same interests, and you can really talk.

This person is the one that drives you crazy in a good way. The one who gets you, and who encourages you, and even puts you before themselves. They truly care.

Then you have the one who is bad for you.

This guy may be a bit of a narcissist. Completely lost in his life, and his goals, and his image. You could be totally lost in his eyes for sure, but there really isn't much staring back at you but hope for some form of validation.

This guy is the one that you sort of just stumbled upon. You didn't really mean to have a thing for him, but here you are hoping that you didn't make it awkward by grabbing his hand in the car, and just wishing that he would give you some form of affection that encouraged your feelings that they weren't in it alone.

Then you have the one who is not good enough for you.

This one may be harder to catch. It can be a mixture of the two listed above. It could be some great friendship, and some unspoken attraction, but deep down there really isn't the thing that you need. The thing that you dreamed about for so long. The pursuit. The chasing. Him fighting to be the one that you choose.

He just isn't that guy. He's either too caught up in his own fear of being rejected, or just doesn't understand your value and the fact that he should be so lucky as to steal your attention for just a minute, let alone your whole life.

Every since my teenage years, I had this idealistic view of boyfriends, and husbands, and  guys that would be the ones to pursue and make their feelings known.

As a woman about to turn 25 years old. I have yet to encounter this mystical creature I shall call "the one."

I have yet to meet a guy who has that thing about him. The one who has the fight. The one who isn't scared. The one who isn't too caught up in himself and thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread. And if you know me, that would be some major feat because I love bread.

Today I realized that the person who is in front of me now, isn't good enough for me. He's a little bit bad for me. You see, I am 24 years old, and I'm waiting around for this child of a man to grow up. No no. This is not how it should be.

Somehow, the three guys mentioned above are all one in the same. Sure three different people, but coincidentally, they seep into each category. You see, on paper they can all be separated, but when you add the feelings and the beliefs, it gets tricky.

You see the one who is good for me, really isn't because we have different beliefs that would tear us apart later in life anyways, so really he would be bad for me, and in the end because of our beliefs, it just wouldn't be good enough anymore.

The second guy, is bad for me, but somehow he makes me feel good about myself. He makes me feel comfortable and he makes me laugh, and when he's not talking about himself he's a legitimately deep person, and a deeply caring person.

And the last guy, the one that I could have seen so much of the world with. We could have talked about anything, and our dreams could have aligned. In the end, he didn't have the fight, he was afraid. He was caught up. And he made me feel as though I wasn't good enough. And in turn, he was placed in the last category.

So, as I enter my twenty-fifth year of life, I vow to wait. I vow to whole heartedly be patient with my forever. Because it is forever. Why would I settle for someone who is good for me, bad for me, and not good enough for me?

When I can wait for the one who is perfect for me...

Welcome Back to Freedom

So, it's been a while. For those of you that read my ramblings.

It's November 12, and I've been in school for about a month and a week.

This year has been completely different than last year.

Where first year at MLSSM is based on identity and our foundation, second year is based on leadership and growing us in that area.

So this year so far, has been me being thrown into leadership in different places of my life.

However, as interesting as that all is, it's not what I want to talk about.

I want to talk about the struggle.

The struggle that I've faced with holding onto my identity and my joy.

Brace yourself for the seemingly endless rambling.

These past couple of weeks have felt very off. I had felt very off.

I was easily irritated, I actually at one point was so peeved that I felt like I was going to explode on someone.

Through all of this I did manage to somewhat hang on to my sanity. I didn't tear anyones head off.

I didn't know what it was, but something was wrong. Everyone else could tell because people kept asking me if I was okay.

I kept saying yes, and that I was only tired, but no. I was not okay.

On Thursday we do worship time in The Station office before we work. And my boss Rachel prayed and asked us all if we had any prayer requests. I took this opportunity to open up with people and be vulnerable.

I wasn't okay. I felt like somewhere along the way I had agreed with something and let it back into my life and it was drastically affecting me. I was full of negativity and I didn't know why. So I shared this with the team.

After I shared, Rachel told me that she had seen the shift in me a couple of weeks before. It wasn't until that moment and her saying that, that it clicked. I knew what I had done.

I don't know how far back I shared this with all of you, but in high school and college I struggled a lot with lust. But more specifically I struggled with acting on lust. Now I've never had a boyfriend, or any relations with men, so people automatically assume that I don't struggle with anything like that. Actually people often think I don't struggle with anything and that I'm perfect. Another impossible pressure on my life. I will never be perfect.

Anyways. A couple weeks ago I slipped up. I slipped up and then immediately after I repented from what I had done. I apologized for willingly allowing lust to come between me and my Father. However, even though I repented, the shame stayed.

I had invited shame back into my life and it was tearing my heart apart. It made me self-conscious. It made me angry at myself and then I was easily angered by others. The self-hatred snuck back in. I felt my body changing. I was breaking out like crazy and I felt awful and worst of all, my joy wasn't there. The thing that I fought so hard to get back, somehow slipped from my grasp.

As the team began to pray, I began praying in my spiritual language. My Swiss roommate struggled with sharing her testimony as I did, and so I prayed for both of us, that we would receive freedom to share our testimonies that would bring others freedom.

Rachel prayed freedom over me, freedom from fear. The joy was prayed back into my life. Once we were done praying and I had cried a whole buckets worth of tears, I felt it. My joyful spirit was back.

Normally after you cry you still have that sorrowful feeling of what you were crying about. But this, it just seemed the more I cried, the more freedom I received back. The more freedom I claimed back. I noticed, the rest of Thursday that I felt lighter. I felt freer. I felt joyful. When I looked in the mirror that day, I felt beautiful again. I felt like I could look at myself and honestly say that I loved who I was.

Yesterday I spent a good three hours talking with a friend about my dreams and what I believe God is doing in my life. I was talking into God's destiny for me. I came home and realized that my skin was clearing up. It had been one day. One day of freedom and my whole life seemed turned around, back on the right path.

I have passion for my future again. I have passion to help people again and love people again. If this is my welcome back to freedom, I'm never going to take it for granted again. I'm never going back.

This Is It. This Is How It Ends.

Tomorrow is the day that I have been waiting for. I graduate from the Mammoth Lakes School of Supernatural Ministry. It's been seven months I believe and so much has happened.

I can honestly say that I have grown more this year than I did in four years of bible college.

I have made relationships that I know will last beyond this season and I have gained a family in Lighthouse Church.

Though I am very happy to be graduating, there are many things that make it a little bittersweet.

Yes. Tomorrow I graduate. Again.

But the day after, I have to say goodbye to some of my best friends in the world.

The friends that were here when all of the growth was happening. The ones that saw me start to believe in myself and become more bold and confident. And more importantly, the ones who called it out of me.

If they don't know that they had the biggest impact on me in this season then they are insane. Never have I lived in a community that loved this hard.

This community includes the people who encourage you, that push you, that make you feel safe. They are the people that help restore and build up. They are the people that will hold you when you know you are being completely ridiculous and yet you are still crying all over their sweater. The people that love you too much to let you sit and wallow past the point of what is socially acceptable.

It's always amazing to be able to sit in a classroom and learn things that change your life. But this place has become so much more than that. I get to be a part of something so much bigger than just a school.

I get to be a part of a huge family that spans over nations. I get to travel all the way to Switzerland and immediately feel like I'm at home. I get to finally dream for things in the future that I know are completely possible and are most likely, sorry, most definitely going to happen.

Here in this place I started to dream again. I started to believe in myself again. I've started calling the gold out of myself. I have joy and I have strength and I am bold.

So as I say goodbye to this season, I get to look forward with the knowledge that I have this family behind me. I get to transition into something new and know that I am supported and I have full confidence that I will always have those people in my life.

The ones that love you enough to encourage you to be who God made you to be.

Not Afraid.

On July 12th, I set out to Mammoth Lakes, CA to begin a road trip with my friend. This probably seems normal to everyone who knew I was leaving on a road trip, but only a handful of people know that I left a day early. I left early because life in Hollister just became too much.

Family drama. Falling into old habits. Anxiety that got so bad it drove me to suicidal thoughts. Well. One. It would be easier if I wasn't here.

Even as I right this, I'm tearing up at remembering how helpless and sick I felt being there.

I couldn't stand up for myself.

I wasn't doing anything I loved.

I wasn't healthy. I was being enabled. And codependent.

If you want to see someone get truly depressed, just put them in a place they don't like, doing something they don't love, and have them completely isolated from any meaningful relationships.

That was me.

So when I arrived at the wonderful camp that is The Station, it felt like an immediate 180.

I came here for three days before we left on our trip and volunteered in the kitchen.

Something as simple as setting up tables made me feel like I was doing something meaningful again.

I felt like there was purpose again.

And instead of getting anxiety for thinking nothing was ever going to happen for me, I got nervous because I knew it was going to.

So I stayed.

---

This weekend I had the opportunity to go home to Hollister.

The city that it probably seems like I just disappeared from.

I went to a going away party for a couple that I've known since highschool and beyond.

Our pastor encouraged them with words about their future, and how no matter what happens they shouldn't be afraid because God will always be by their side.

Almost everything that was said in encouragement for them, I felt as though God was whispering it to me.

That he was telling me that life is going to be okay.

Life isn't going to be easy by a long shot, but it's all going to be okay. And that I needn't be scared.

---

That night brought so much healing for me.

I got to hug those that I thought might have been hurt by me just up and leaving.

I got to pray for friends, and joke with acquaintances.

I got to actually, for once in my life, tell people that I've been happy. I didn't have to say "I've been okay." or "Things are fine."

I told people what I've been up to and it wasn't as excruciating as it usually is.

I went in with anxiety, scared that I would be shunned, or made to feel bad about my choices.

I left feeling encouraged. My family in Hollister still loves me, and to be honest my insecurities were the only thing to make me believe anything else.

I left that night knowing that I shouldn't be afraid for my future. I'm going to make mistakes, and I'm going to stumble.

Probably a lot.

But God says it'll be okay.

---

Now I can think of myself charging forward into my future with God by my side.

And I'm not afraid.

Someday

Rant, vent, share it all.I'll try to catch you when you fall. I'll be here for you, if you ever need. But don't even ask me why I bleed.

It's all about you, but please don't ask about me. My depths go further than ten thousand leagues beneath the sea. If you have to go now, please go run and flee. I don't want to drag you down with me.

You see my surface and that's too much. Don't come near me, don't try to touch. Oh, I'm scum. Honey, I'm dirt. All I bring is the subtle hurt.

It stings at first. But then you'll see. You'll wish you'd never even looked at me. I wouldn't blame you, or use harsh words. If you need to go, baby fly like the birds.

The time will come, when he sees all I am. He'll see the broken, weakened man. The one that I'd have done anything for. The one with whom my childhood was torn.

He'll look me in the eyes, and still see that child. He'll see a beauty that will make his heart go wild. He'll comfort, and hold, and bring me right in. Because he will be the one, to see past my sin.

He will tell me that it's okay, that he still loves me. My past is past, and I've been set free. He will say that it's not what he sees when he looks in my eyes. But that he sees a woman of God free from the worlds lies....

Dear Twelve Year Old Self,

I want to start off by saying that you are beautiful. You are not ugly.

You are beautiful. Would you like to know why?

Because you don't care what others think yet, and though you may look different it doesn't bother you.

You are quick to run to the swings and plan all the adventures.

You would help plant the random change in the dirt so that you and your friend could dig it up later like it was treasure.

You would sing at the top of your lungs and not even care who was around to hear you.

I admire you.

You are beautiful.

Remember the fun you have when you make a whole binder of plans for when you are eighteen and plan to move out with your two best friends. Remember those best friends, because they are wonderful and sometimes friends grow apart. But still love them. And of course smile when you find the binder with the contracts you all signed saying you would do it.

In two years when you are about to enter high school, and you think that you need a boy to define you, stop. Stop and look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful. You are a beautiful creation that doesn't have to settle for some random guy to make herself feel loved, you are loved.

In high school, pay attention just a little bit more and apply yourself, actually focus on learning and not getting by.

When you finally get that 2' by 3' little card that allows you to drive a car alone, cherish it. It will become one of the ways that you can go and get away and feel free. And don't drive like the jerk driver you learned from and maybe your truck will live a little longer.

When people say that you should apply for scholarships, and you're just thinking to yourself, "oh I'll just get loans." Please don't do that to me, apply for all the damn scholarships you can. Exploit every little interest you have.

And when you finally get to college, stop and breathe it in. Not everyone gets this opportunity and you sure as hell aren't going to take it for granted. Learn. Make good friends. Don't pay attention to boys that will eventually hurt you and then pretend you don't exist.

When you walk across that stage and grab the little book that doesn't actually hold your degree; one, don't trip and two, look over and let them take your picture, don't be scared of the audience.

Finally, when you're in a place of waiting and you feel scared, isolated and alone, you are not. You are never alone.

When you feel like you're suffocating and drowning in doubt for what your future holds, know that you will be okay. You will always be okay.

Just stop and take a breath and remember that the One who created you is holding you still. Have peace and know that He is in control and that you need to try your hardest to stay faithful. Try your hardest to stay as innocent and adventure driven as you are now. Always live for adventure. Always live your life for Christ, and believe that he has amazing things in store for you.

Don't be scared to take a few leaps. Don't let money fool you, it's not the most important thing.

Let yourself be beautiful the way you are. Seriously. Let yourself laugh at the funny things and then even laugh at the times that are hard. Remember that you have your whole life ahead of you. You don't have to have everything figured out by the time you're twenty-three. Trust me, you won't anyways.

I hope that you will be happy, truly. Don't allow others words, or actions dictate your happiness. If you get to the point where you feel as though you are being taken advantage of or hurt or controlled, stop it. Don't let people hurt you in your life because they are hurting in theirs. Stay strong and stand up for yourself. Always stand up for yourself.

And again, remember to keep your childlike heart, believe the best in people, hope for greatness and live for adventure.

Love,

Your twenty-three year old self

It's been a while.

My life has been pretty crazy the last couple of weeks. And by crazy, I do mean crazy emotional. All of my life I've thought that my heart would be protected if I didn't let a man hurt me.

I thought that if I never got into a relationship with someone then I'd never have the chance to get my heart broken.

But I'm here now, and I'm fully convinced and ready to tell you that I was completely wrong. And that I was kidding myself for years.

This summer I had the wonderful opportunity to become better friends with a few women from my church. These people became some of my best friends. The people I ran to when I was lonely, and when I just needed to sit and watch t.v., or cry.

We joked, and talked about God, and talked about the future.

We vented about ministry, and about boys and about how Lorelei totally should have been with Luke the whole time.

This summer I learned to actually look forward to seeing people, because it wasn't a given anymore. I wasn't just going to be able to walk down my hall and say hi to all of my quadmates.

I learned how much effort friendship really takes, and how much effort I actually wanted to put into it.

I opened my heart to new friends. They weren't just people I was thrown into a situation with. It was intentional.

And now my heart is breaking. More than I ever could have imagined it would.

I'm leaving.

I think about moving home and I can cry in an instant.

I'm excited for the future that I'm going to be preparing for, but sometimes I have doubts that this heartbreak from leaving friends is worth it.

Thinking about starting over scares the hell out of me.

And I may feel heart broken.

But I know that I have memories that I wouldn't trade for anything.

And I think that's what is most important.

Even if it hurts now, I know that I will look back and smile later.

I Have Lived

Today while I was at work, I found myself yet again going through the motions as I started wiping down one of the counters. It's gets to the point where you are so good at something, you can keep doing it without thinking, forcing your mind to wander elsewhere.

For some reason, today, my mind decided to wander to "What would happen if I died right now?"

It's something I don't normally think of, mainly because I don't want to die.

However, I find that the biggest thing I fear is my future, because I have no idea what will happen.

Death seems easier to grasp at this moment. It's more concrete, and final. Whereas, my future, well, nothing is set in stone, and I am terrified that I'm going to screw it up.

So I continue with wiping down the counter and think of the life that I've lived. I've done some pretty cool things, none of which would count as extraordinary, mediocre at best, but cool at least.

I've made wonderful friends, terrible mistakes, and at least one or two really good comebacks. Okay, one.

If I could look at my life played back to me, I would probably see a sad story about a girl who struggled her whole life to try and fit in, be funny, pretty, skinny, etc. I would see the girl who has no life experience at all. Just someone who has been sheltered, spoiled, and complacent.

My life so far, is not something that I would consider worth living for.

I realize that my whole life so far has led up to the moment where I will walk across that stage and get my degree. But what happens after? I am so scared, because I don't know.

But you see, if I died right now, my dreams would die with me.

My dreams that have been put in my heart to reach out.

My dreams that will somehow lead me into my future, though I don't know how yet.

I want to make so many things of this life. I want people to know that God loves them.

I want people to see His light in anything I do.

I don't want life to be wasted. I want to look back on my life and be able to say that I have lived.

I am made for more than just the right now. God has a specific purpose for making me, and he's going to use me, wherever I go.

My future should not be something I'm scared about, but something I am excited for.

I get to bring glory to God and live my dreams.

I know that when the time comes I will be able to say "I have lived."

So I continued to wipe down the counters with a smile on my face, and a new hope for my future.