Good For You, Bad For You, and Not Good Enough For You....

Over the past couple of months, I have had a couple realizations. As crushes come and go, and even almost more than crushes, I have seen how I've reacted to three different types of people.

The one who is good for you.

This guy and you, well, you clicked. It wasn't some thing where you were both in some tragic event together, or have some haunted history. This could probably be seen as the one that's your best friend. You have the same interests, and you can really talk.

This person is the one that drives you crazy in a good way. The one who gets you, and who encourages you, and even puts you before themselves. They truly care.

Then you have the one who is bad for you.

This guy may be a bit of a narcissist. Completely lost in his life, and his goals, and his image. You could be totally lost in his eyes for sure, but there really isn't much staring back at you but hope for some form of validation.

This guy is the one that you sort of just stumbled upon. You didn't really mean to have a thing for him, but here you are hoping that you didn't make it awkward by grabbing his hand in the car, and just wishing that he would give you some form of affection that encouraged your feelings that they weren't in it alone.

Then you have the one who is not good enough for you.

This one may be harder to catch. It can be a mixture of the two listed above. It could be some great friendship, and some unspoken attraction, but deep down there really isn't the thing that you need. The thing that you dreamed about for so long. The pursuit. The chasing. Him fighting to be the one that you choose.

He just isn't that guy. He's either too caught up in his own fear of being rejected, or just doesn't understand your value and the fact that he should be so lucky as to steal your attention for just a minute, let alone your whole life.

Every since my teenage years, I had this idealistic view of boyfriends, and husbands, and  guys that would be the ones to pursue and make their feelings known.

As a woman about to turn 25 years old. I have yet to encounter this mystical creature I shall call "the one."

I have yet to meet a guy who has that thing about him. The one who has the fight. The one who isn't scared. The one who isn't too caught up in himself and thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread. And if you know me, that would be some major feat because I love bread.

Today I realized that the person who is in front of me now, isn't good enough for me. He's a little bit bad for me. You see, I am 24 years old, and I'm waiting around for this child of a man to grow up. No no. This is not how it should be.

Somehow, the three guys mentioned above are all one in the same. Sure three different people, but coincidentally, they seep into each category. You see, on paper they can all be separated, but when you add the feelings and the beliefs, it gets tricky.

You see the one who is good for me, really isn't because we have different beliefs that would tear us apart later in life anyways, so really he would be bad for me, and in the end because of our beliefs, it just wouldn't be good enough anymore.

The second guy, is bad for me, but somehow he makes me feel good about myself. He makes me feel comfortable and he makes me laugh, and when he's not talking about himself he's a legitimately deep person, and a deeply caring person.

And the last guy, the one that I could have seen so much of the world with. We could have talked about anything, and our dreams could have aligned. In the end, he didn't have the fight, he was afraid. He was caught up. And he made me feel as though I wasn't good enough. And in turn, he was placed in the last category.

So, as I enter my twenty-fifth year of life, I vow to wait. I vow to whole heartedly be patient with my forever. Because it is forever. Why would I settle for someone who is good for me, bad for me, and not good enough for me?

When I can wait for the one who is perfect for me...

The Hello and The In Between

When it all comes down to it, I guess the person I'm mad at the most is myself. I let my mind, and more stupidly my heart, go there. I checked onto a train going the opposite direction and left them to fend for themselves in the midst of your being.

I wrote off all reason and logic and let my heart really go with it.

I let my mind run with all the encouragements from outer sources, that the feelings of which my heart was taking on could be reciprocated.

I let my mind be changed by positive feedback.

I let my life be turned upside down by your heart.

I let everything that I held dear become nothing compared to being able to spend time with you and make memories that I would have years after you leave.

Stupidly, I allowed myself to really fall for you. Heart and mind.

So here I am. Opening at the coffeeshop after a night filled to the brim with tears and goodbye letters and hope that in some alternative universe you have feelings for me too and it would somehow all work out.

At least five thousand unlikely scenarios race through my mind as I think of the day I say goodbye to you and hand you the letter.

The one I luckily wrote on my phone first rather than paper, otherwise my tears would have made it unreadable.

I think of the best possible scenarios and those still don't seem to be good enough to will you to stay, or me decide to abandon any previous reservations from our differences in values.

It's crazy though, because I have seen it. I've seen the alternative universe. The one where our values collide. The one where you're passionate, but not about the same things.

There was this hope in your voice. This hope that something greater could and would answer your prayers.

I saw the fire around your heart as you prayed. It was new and fragile but as you prayed it grew. It grew and took over your whole body in some amazing fashion that was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

I saw you sitting in front of us all, asking God to be there with us. Asking God things I'm sure you've never asked him before.

Then I could see how your heart, paired with Christ's, was going to change the world like nothing anybody could have ever imagined.

Somewhere I read that it's okay to love someone who doesn't love you back, as long as they are worthy of it. As long as they deserve it.

You do.

I've got to be honest, I don't think we could find anyone who doesn't love you.

That's what makes it so hard. You make it really really...REALLY difficult to not love you.

I feel like you would have to try with such vigor to get me to not love you.

I know that it's different this time. I don't see you on this pedestal. I haven't lifted you up to something that you're not. I haven't fallen in love with the idea of you.

I can see flaws and some little things that I'm sure down the road would annoy me to no end. But I overlook them, because in all reality they don't matter. Because it's you.

Things that used to be a big deal for me have seemed to be just tiny differences in our thinking.

Somewhere along the way, in between me liking you and me trying not to like you and then me throwing caution to the wind and becoming fully head over chucks for you, I saw you. I saw your heart. I saw your dreams and passions and family.

I saw all these things that sometimes it hurts to know that I'll be forced to live without them. I'll be forced to say goodbye.

And like I said, the person I'm really mad at is myself. I'm the one to blame.

You took no part in it. You were just there, being yourself. And I was here becoming myself around you.

You sir, were a force of nature, and you came into my life and everything was drastically changed.

So yes I'm upset at myself. But I know that down the road I will never regret it. Any of it.

Getting to know you while secretly harboring feelings for you. Allowing you to be the catalyst that threw me into being myself. Trusting you with tough things, and you in turn completely blowing my mind by how trustworthy you really were.

I don't now, and will never regret these last six months. It was a whirlwind. It was something that swept me off my feet and made me believe that guys like you actually exist.

So I'm mad. But I am so much more thankful that I ended up here, and ended up meeting one of the most amazing men I have ever met.

Even if it had to end in goodbye, the hello and the in between were the most wonderful things I could have ever asked for.